I think that I'm being stalked, but the police say it's not enough to help

[Youarestillintherunning]

Sorry I started to post this, and pressed create before I was ready!

For the past 10 years, someone that I was friends with has been harassing me and potentially stalking me. When we were friends I was in a relationship, he kept asking me to go to his house and didn't understand why I felt this was disrespectful to my partner, he also kept making comments about my body, so I eventually said to him that I didn't feel we could be friends anymore.

At this point, his behaviour completely switched. He started sending me abusive messages, about how I would never make it to my 60s, how amazing my breasts were and other vile stuff. I blocked him, updated my privacy settings but over the past 10 years he has made a multitude of different Facebook accounts which he messages me from, and then blocks me before I can block him. He then unblocks me a couple of months later, sends more messages and blocks again. I've even changed my name on Facebook to not my real name, and he still finds me.

I was out a few months ago, and noticed him watching me from across a road while I was waiting for a taxi. When he saw me looking, he ran down an alleyway. 5 minutes later he reappeared, and ran off again. He has sent me messages on multiple occasions asking if I had a nice time with my mum (when I have seen her that day) and commenting on my outfit, which leaves me to believe that he must be stalking me in real life. The messages he sends, he talks in third person about himself and how amazing he is, and how weird it is that I keep dating losers when I could have someone like him etc...

I have reported him to the police on 4 different occasions after I discovered that he has previously been to prison for stalking another young woman. He has also been sending messages to my mum, a friend that I used to go to school with and seems to know all of my exes. The police have said, that because he leaves a 3 month gap in-between communications with me, it's not enough to amount to harassment, and therefore there is nothing they can do as he hasn't sent me any direct threats.

Out of desperation, I sent a message to his sister (as she is the only person related to him that I know) and told her what has been happening. She apologised (I told her she didn't need to, it's not her fault!) and said that this isn't the first time that women have messaged her, her sisters or her mum about his behaviour, and that he has autism and she is sure he would never actually do anything to harm me.

But the truth is that I'm really scared, and the police have made it clear that there is nothing they will do. I don't know what to do anymore, and would really appreciate any advice.

@endofthelinefinally

Contact your MP. They can raise it with the police on your behalf. IMO the police response is very poor.

This. Even the most uncaring MP would send a letter on your behalf to the police as they wouldn't want to be caught out later if something terrible happened.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

I’m so glad there are so many helpful replies here. I don’t have much to add other than to suggest you take a clear chronology of events into your local police station and ask to speak to an officer from the Public Protection Unit (PPIU/PPU - the names of the units seem to vary). They are specially trained officers who might be better equipped to help you than a 111 call handler. I am horrified that you aren’t being taken seriously. It is appalling. I am so sorry you are going through this.

@Queenoftheashes

Disgusting attitude from the police I remember when they fined a woman for wasting their time reporting the man who went on to kill her I second pp saying write to your MP about it. If there’s a three month loophole there shouldn’t be.

Saw this programme and even when giving evidence to the inquiry to the police conduct the police officer who charged her was unrepentant and seemed like he would do it again even knowing the circumstances as far as I recall.

Have a read of this @Youarestillintherunning & contact them - I am certain they can get someone to advocate for you to get this stalking stopped.

It is beyond awful that you have been effectively blocked from getting help by 111 & it's important that not only does your case get taken seriously before any harm comes to you or another woman he has been stalking, but that the police force in your area receive the correct training to ensure any further reports of stalking are dealt with promptly and correctly.

@Youarestillintherunning would help if I posted the link wouldn't it!?!

www.sdast.co.uk/

You say his sister has been contacted by other women with the same issue with him, could you try and find out who they are?

Maybe a united complaint from multiple people he’s done this to will make them act?

I agree on contacting your MP too, and carry on reporting to the police every time he contacts you.

How awful the police have said they can’t do anything, shocking response.

Autism or not this is totally unacceptable and quite frankly bloody scary.

I too would contact my MP in your case OP. You are being let down massively.

I've had issues with stalking in the past and the police's response was woefully inadequate. I suspect because my stalker was a middle aged woman who lived In a nice area and had a husband etc whereas I was a 19 year old living in a shared house in a rough part of town.

They didn't care that she would follow me around in her car, make fake accounts to slander and contact me and abuse me in the street. She was unhinged but they obviously thought I was to blame some how.

Please push on with your reporting and let us know how you get on.

OP I’m afraid I’m my experience the laws on stalking and harassment are a bit of a mess and rely a lot of interpretation of legal precedents which are a mixed bag to say the least.

The ‘three month’ rule isn’t a loophole. Harassment is all about showing that someone has embarked on a course of conduct. There was one case in which a judge deemed that if there was no contact for three months there was effectively no course of conduct… But context is key. You have a history of several years of concerning behaviour. Therefore three months isn’t relevant because this is a course of conduct spanning many years.

If you haven’t gotten anywhere complain. It might be that your case has not been directed to officers with the requisite skills and experience to recognise stalking correctly and properly interpret the precedents relating to course of conduct. The charities others have listed are a good starting point. You should also look into a civil order - Stalking Prevention Order.

I'm disgusted to see that despite some dreadful stalking cases ending in tragedy & law changes, the police still haven't upped their game since I went through this & had to move as I got no help from the police, not even when he was breaking into my flat & moving my furniture around & robbing my shed.

Definitely raise a complaint with the police, in these circumstances there is absolutely no excuse for their slack dismissive behaviour, other than they aren't taking you seriously because you are female. Feck that shit, I'd be very angry. Things have meant to have improved, they clearly haven't 😏

This is completely unacceptable by the police! WTF are they doing .OF course its harassment ,however just because he allegedly has Autism ,it doesnt excuse his behaviour .Defo reset your privacy settings .If you can as a PP said get access to a good lawyer . Then go to Police with your findings .

That sounds like a really scary situation. You've had some great advice on here and I hope the police take it seriously now.

This is who you need to contact
www.paladinservice.co.uk/

Oh OP, I'm angry on your behalf that this isn't being taken seriously.

I was briefly and 'lightly' harrassed/stalked by a male neighbour for a few months and it was extremely stressful, so I can only imagine your experiences.

Honestly, find someone who will " shake him up" I understand you are scared but if you can call him out in public everytime and demand the police are called CCTV
LOOKED. everytime it must be everytime.

I'd pay some one to make sure he knows to leave you alone, men I know wouldn't want paying, they would be glad to make sure you are ok

Sadly the police aren’t bothered, even if he assaults you they might not be arsed. I have personal experience of this, I was stalked for almost a year after ending a relationship a few years ago. He was totally relentless and followed me to work every day in his car beeping his horn and shouting abuse at me. He would find any phone he could to contact me on including phone boxes so I couldn’t block all of the numbers, just changed my number in the end. He posted letters through my door and sometimes just parked up outside my house and sat there in his car for over an hour… The police weren’t interested really, just told me to keep a log of his behaviour which I did. It escalated and he assaulted me one morning in front of a few people (who did nothing I hasten to add). The police had a word with him, they wouldn’t charge him even though he admitted it because they didn’t think it was serious enough!

They can be pretty useless to act I’m afraid. I know how terrified you must be and realise how unsettling it is. I don’t have any advice other than to make sure you keep a log and contact the police every time you see him following you.

The police need to act NOW op. Demand help.. this needs to stop. It’s clearly a prolonged case of stalking.
Best of luck x

Without going into detail, I had the same response. Again all over the phone. In the end I went into the local police station with call logs, messages and letters. They acted really quickly. It didn't put him off I'm afraid, but he escalated his stalking and that eventually got him into trouble on a bigger scale. Please go to the station. It's incredibly hard to live like this I know. Good luck x

I would guess that because he is Autistic they are writing it off as that and not doing what they should or would usually do. Unfortunately law enforcement have form for this. Contact the stalking charities and they can help you decide how to escalate this to the police. And your MP, councillors, police and crime commissioner. Whatever is going on for him, he needs to stop and they need to intervene. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

the police said that as I had messaged him back, I was effectively encouraging communication (even though I was telling him to leave me alone). They told me not to reply to him, and just keep a record.

And yet when my friend had a similar issue, the police (wrongly) told her that as she had never actually told the guy to leave her alone or she would call the police, they could take no action as she had "taken no steps to indicate that his course of action was unwelcome"!!! So they considered all the contact that had been made before she warned him off to be irrelevant to proving a course of conduct as "how was he supposed to know" she didn't like it

Similar to other posters she got nowhere with 111 or over the phone and had to go down to the station with all the evidence and demand to see an officer with specialist experience of stalking.

Im so sorry to everyone else who has experienced this or similar situations, but thank you all for sharing your stories, and advice. When I finish work this afternoon, I'm going to go through all of my messages and create one big document with everything that has happened/been said, and then present this to the police again, and if they still won't help then I will make it a formal complaint as well as approach my local MP to get this taken seriously.

Also, I have a question to anyone else who has experienced this. How can I prove that all of the communication is from him? Because he makes fake Facebook accounts under random names. I know that it's him, because he refers to himself in the 3rd person, saying things like "What's your problem with X? He's so handsome and healthy etc," I also recognise his pattern of speech, the same phrases that he uses and the fact that he says things that I directly told him back when we were friends. But they are under about 4 different names, all profiles with no pictures or infomation on?

I don't think you can prove it but i would just add in brackets after each entry in your document something like "believed to be x due to figure of speech (and quote what he said)/ mentioned info he knows about me/same name as previous profile" etc.

Just spell out what made you know each time so that if someone were reading it they could follow your thought process.

My mums ex did this to her to lesser extremes (including using different aliases on FB) over a shorter period of time and got 8 weeks in prison and a three year restraining order. He also had a previous conviction for stalking and harassment. Do not accept less than a prosecution.

Oh how bloody awful for you! Like others have said, I'd escalate it with the police. It's totally not on.

@Youarestillintherunning

Also, I have a question to anyone else who has experienced this. How can I prove that all of the communication is from him? Because he makes fake Facebook accounts under random names. I know that it's him, because he refers to himself in the 3rd person, saying things like "What's your problem with X? He's so handsome and healthy etc," I also recognise his pattern of speech, the same phrases that he uses and the fact that he says things that I directly told him back when we were friends. But they are under about 4 different names, all profiles with no pictures or infomation on?

In my case they tracked stuff that he sent under different names. IP address and such like. Take anything you have against him. More the better. Our stalker ( I say our as he was obsessed with one of my children and myself ) thought he was clever. He wasn't ! Good luck x