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Original poster

Confronting abuser - how would you? TW sex abuse

65 replies

AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 06:56

My father is an alcoholic with autism. There’s a huge history. I’ve created distance, he doesn’t know where I live, and I have blocked him on everything and am NC, but he has my mobile number. If you block a mobile number, the caller can still leave messages. He has a habit of leaving me 2-3 messages, usually sarcastic and abusive, but I don’t listen to them.

Yesterday he’d clearly been at the bottle all day and left 2 in the morning which were about a family matter. Someone on my FB is leaking back info to him. I post v little on there, but he knows which groups & who I interact with. It is getting back to him and he’s and angry man. I’m a grown woman of 46 FFS. How dare he have any say?

There were 7 messages in the afternoon, of a vile, graphic content, about how now he is alone, he may be 70 but is still able to use his body, what he would do to single female family members - including me (I’ve recently split with my partner whichever bastard is feeding him info on FB must have told him this) and the last few were along the lines of, “Don’t be shy” and asking about virginity. They turned my fucking stomach. I had to delete. I wish now that I saved his filth to play back to him.

My question is, what would you do today? I’m bubbling up with so much anger and hatred. HOW DARE HE? The man who put me on this earth, what a fucking disgrace to humanity.

This isn’t AIBU but…
AIBU to call him and tell him I will cut his fucking bollocks off and feed them to him if he EVER disturbs me again?

Do I call the police? He was arrested for violence once but it couldn’t be taken to court as he doesn’t have cognitive capacity, apparently. Shall I call them anyway, and ask an officer to pay him a visit?

Shall I organise a cease & desist letter, too? Maybe see a solicitor tomorrow?

I was also thinking of putting a message on my FB to ask who I hevee troll is feeding him to stop.

Or do I stay silent? That might pain him, too.

I have NC for this, obviously, as it turns my stomach.

OP posts:
FortVictoria · 22/08/2021 07:02

So sorry you are having to deal with this. Do you want to confront him? If you feel it will help you, do it. If you want to stay NC report it to the police. It is utterly appalling that he feels he can speak to and threaten you this way. Don’t just keep quiet - do something that will force these messages to stop and let you live in peace.

Theunamedcat · 22/08/2021 07:07

Try the police/solicitors approach if they don't deal shut your Facebook down and change your number

Do you have an idea who is feeding him the information? Perhaps send them a copy of the messages and ask them how they feel about things now

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:08

Thank you for replying, Fort, I’m going to use this thread to think it through. Yes, threatening me like this has made me so angry. Horrible bully. Nasty animal. Yes, I need to stop this.

I’m confused. Part of me wants to shout in his ugly face, but I am not a terrorising person, and using terror and anger to fight terror and anger might not be helpful.

OP posts:
Marshy86 · 22/08/2021 07:10

Hey Op,

Do you have any idea who it might be ? I had this same problem and in the end had to block the people who were feeding information back. He's angry because you've gone NC and took away his control so clinging to what ever he has left but if you got rid of who ever is feeding this info back you take control away even more so which I think would help. Is it possible to switch mobile numbers at all or ring your providing asking if there is a way to not receive these messages ?

romdowa · 22/08/2021 07:11

Maybe it might be good for you to have your say to him. To tell him how vile he is. After that though I'd set up a new Facebook, with a different name , new number and be very selective with who has your information, only giving the details to one family member at a time, so you can weed out who the snitch is.

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:11

@Theunamedcat

Try the police/solicitors approach if they don't deal shut your Facebook down and change your number

Do you have an idea who is feeding him the information? Perhaps send them a copy of the messages and ask them how they feel about things now

I think I will call the police & get solicitor. I have to protect myself.

I don’t want to change my mobile number. Why should I? I have a right to keeping them number I have always had.

In a way, at least his messages serve as a reminder of his vile behaviours. I don’t know who is giving him information on my FB. Again, why should I have to change my things because HE can’t behave himself? I was off FB for 10 years because of him and have only recently enjoyed reconnecting with people.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 07:13

I wish you had kept the messages, but I know from experience that they are very triggering. Personally, I would wait until you receive another one and take that to the police as they are unlikely to act without anything to go by. (Sorry) I hope they nail the bastard’s balls to the chair.

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:15

Thank you Marshy, you’re right about the control. I’ve blocked a few people on FB, I think I might have a huge cull too. Maybe it’s someone not doing it out of malice, but I suspect he is asking someone to see my account.

Ive looked into the ability to leave messages and every provider has told me that you can block a user but they can still leave messages. I don’t want to change my number. I have my right to peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:17

@romdowa

Maybe it might be good for you to have your say to him. To tell him how vile he is. After that though I'd set up a new Facebook, with a different name , new number and be very selective with who has your information, only giving the details to one family member at a time, so you can weed out who the snitch is.
Thanks, Romdowa,

Yes I think maybe I should have my day to him, as he won’t expect it. Maybe even nice and early to wake him from his hangover.

I like your idea about a new FB but I already vvv select about who I have on there. It must be a family member telling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:20

@Justilou1

I wish you had kept the messages, but I know from experience that they are very triggering. Personally, I would wait until you receive another one and take that to the police as they are unlikely to act without anything to go by. (Sorry) I hope they nail the bastard’s balls to the chair.
Yes, very triggering, and I didn’t want his filth on my phone. Also, he was incoherent & it is in different languages (part of his autism is that he abuses me in a nice range of languages). I think the police would act, as he has a record for a violent act and because I half-reported him when I was receiving some other dodgy calls.

Yes, please don’t be sorry, I hope they nail his balls to a chair, too. Fucking vile bastard.

OP posts:
romdowa · 22/08/2021 07:25

Then you have your say , tell him how utterly deplorable he is and that you will force feed him his own testicles should he ever speak to you in such a manner again. As for Facebook, if you don't want a new one , then I would start removing family members, claim its a glitch with Facebook. Start with the most likely suspects first and go from there.

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:32

Thanks romdowa that is v helpful. I’ll do it nice and early so I can look forward to the rest of my day in peace.

I’m almost tempted to do nothing with my FB. I don’t post much, anyway, have removed the odd personal photo. He can only see who I interact with and which groups I’m in. If I tell him not to leave messages & the police visit him, he won’t be able to say anything, anyway. I’m not doing anything harmful, just interacting (liking photos mainly) of relatives he fell out with (he has fallen out with almost everyone over the years). Hopefully the police & solicitor action will gag him. Wonder how i find a solicitor to do this…

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 22/08/2021 07:41

@AchingLimbs can you turn your voicemail off completely?

MinesAPintOfTea · 22/08/2021 07:45

Start with police. Then you have a police report a solicitor can refer to.

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:45

No. You can’t disable voicemail.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:46

Thank you, I hadn’t thought of it like that. Yes, will call police after I have called him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:48

The problem is that part of me then thinks - why should I involve myself? Why should I spend this energy, fretting, worrying, ruminating?

OP posts:
Galassia · 22/08/2021 07:52

Your father is the same as he has always been. I don’t understand how if you’ve blocked him he can still send you messages.

You know the kind of messages he sends so if you are unable to block them on your device then just delete without reading.

You are giving him some control by reading g his messages, take that control back by not reading them and just deleting as you would some spammy sales pitch.

Your bigger problem is the person reporting back to him.

That person is the silent one who you think is a friend but clearly wishes to cause you trouble.

I would not waste my efforts on the father, he is what he is and probably doesn’t have a lot of time left in earth.

It’s the person who has it in for you that isn’t showing you their hand that is going to be a bigger problem.

Speak to your service provider about getting your father permanently blocked or change your number.

If he really means nothing to you then erase him altogether. By giving him head space and attention or further thought you are allowing him back into your life and enabling him to cause you distress. Be in charge and cut him off completely.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 07:52

Will he remember what he did and said?
If so, what if you said I have your disgusting messages from last night (quote a few things). If you ever contact me again or get anyone to spy on me, I will send them to everyone you know and to the police and put them publicly on Facebook? He doesn't know you deleted them and it may make him scared enough to leave you alone.

IheartJKR · 22/08/2021 07:54

I would post the messages on fb. Let everyone see what a piece of crap he is.

Sorry op Flowers

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 22/08/2021 07:56

Don’t listen to the messages, then they can’t upset you.

Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:57

Just to clarify - these were voicemails on my mobile phone.

I will certainly be quoting his own words back in his ugly face.

OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 07:58

@TwoMuchTwoYoung

Don’t listen to the messages, then they can’t upset you.
I usually don’t, but something has happened in the family recently & I needed to know if he knew. Also they were coming in thick & fast! It was difficult not to - but I didn’t listen to the whole thing, just opening lines of some of them.
OP posts:
Original poster
AchingLimbs · 22/08/2021 08:05

Thanks, @Galassia

Yes, of course he is the same as he has always been. If you block someone on a mobile phone, they can still leave you voice messages. I don’t understand this either, but please believe me, have done extensive research into it.

I usually don’t listen. But his gf recently died and I wanted to get more information about this, as she was leaving me dodgy calls a few months ago as well.

I think you might have thought they were written messages. They are voicemails. I don’t have to listen to them, but equally, he shouldn’t be leaving them ..

Yeah I dunno who is passing back info on FB.

I certainly do hope he doesn’t have long on this earth. Unfortunately he seems undefeatable despite drinking like a fish. Now he has retired, he has more time on his hands for a jolly time.

Just to emphasise that I have already spoken to my service provider and I will not be changing my number.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 22/08/2021 08:39

I really urge to to reconsider confronting him about the messages.

At the moment your anger and hatred is causing you pain, not him. It is unlikely to have any impact on stopping the behaviour and may simply hurt you. Telling him how you feel won't make you feel better, because you almost certainly won't get the apology and recognition of the hurt he's caused that you want. At best, as a response you'll get confusion or self pity, otherwise it will be anger and defensiveness.

You are expecting such a confrontation to be cathartic for you, but I can tell you from experience it almost certainly won't be, it will just pile more pain and resentment on top of the old.

Alcoholics in a drunken binge will often blackout and not remember what they said or did. Long term alcoholism also causes damage to the brain - he may well no longer have any sense of shame and be incapable of any sort of empathy or understanding.You can't say or do anything that will change that. And alcohol aside, he may simply not be a nice person anyway. Alcohol can change nice people into nasty ones, or it can make already unpleasant, violent people even worse.

You need to find a way to let him not have space in your head and to let the anger go. Reconcile yourself to the father he wasn't and isn't and stop letting him hurt you over and over again. If you have never had counselling, maybe now is the time to try.

As for the mobile messages, just don't listen. Even when you say there was a reason to do so this time, let it go. I know it's a hassle getting a new mobile number but if the calls persist I'd do it. I understand the impulse to be obstinate on principle because he shouldn't be able to affect your life like this but it's surely worth it for the peace of mind it gives.

As for FB could you post a warning message saying something like
"As many of you know, I do not have contact with XXX for very personal and private reasons. I expect my friends and family to respect those reasons and not pass information I share on this page on to him. However it's clear someone has done that, not necessarily to be unkind but maybe in a misguided way. However this has resulted in me receiving distressing and upsetting messages showing he knows about personal aspects of my life. I want to be clear - if I do find out someone is feeding this information to XXX I will take this as a serious betrayal of my trust and it will irreparably damage my relationship with whoever it is.

Good luck.