Confronting abuser - how would you? TW sex abuse

[AchingLimbs]

My father is an alcoholic with autism. There’s a huge history. I’ve created distance, he doesn’t know where I live, and I have blocked him on everything and am NC, but he has my mobile number. If you block a mobile number, the caller can still leave messages. He has a habit of leaving me 2-3 messages, usually sarcastic and abusive, but I don’t listen to them.

Yesterday he’d clearly been at the bottle all day and left 2 in the morning which were about a family matter. Someone on my FB is leaking back info to him. I post v little on there, but he knows which groups & who I interact with. It is getting back to him and he’s and angry man. I’m a grown woman of 46 FFS. How dare he have any say?

There were 7 messages in the afternoon, of a vile, graphic content, about how now he is alone, he may be 70 but is still able to use his body, what he would do to single female family members - including me (I’ve recently split with my partner whichever bastard is feeding him info on FB must have told him this) and the last few were along the lines of, “Don’t be shy” and asking about virginity. They turned my fucking stomach. I had to delete. I wish now that I saved his filth to play back to him.

My question is, what would you do today? I’m bubbling up with so much anger and hatred. HOW DARE HE? The man who put me on this earth, what a fucking disgrace to humanity.

This isn’t AIBU but…
AIBU to call him and tell him I will cut his fucking bollocks off and feed them to him if he EVER disturbs me again?

Do I call the police? He was arrested for violence once but it couldn’t be taken to court as he doesn’t have cognitive capacity, apparently. Shall I call them anyway, and ask an officer to pay him a visit?

Shall I organise a cease & desist letter, too? Maybe see a solicitor tomorrow?

I was also thinking of putting a message on my FB to ask who I hevee troll is feeding him to stop.

Or do I stay silent? That might pain him, too.

I have NC for this, obviously, as it turns my stomach.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/a-guide-to-writing-warning-letters/

I think you need to be very clear about the what you said in the message when you speak to the police or this could be used against you.

Shame you left that message for that waste of space. You deleted his message so don't have evidence of his language. He now has evidence of yours. Really, you need to honk about the possible legal effects here.

Re whoever is feeding that scum bag information. You can select who out of your friends see posts. You can always post an inflammatory message on there just to a select few and see if it gets back to him. If he still leaves voice mails you can find out which posts he is responding to and know who is blabbing. Then cut them off.

Thanks, both @justilou and @ClaryFairchild You are judging him with your own sane minds - there’s no way he would go the police or twist anything. I will be clear with what I said in my message.

You’re right, I should be careful about leaving messages back for him. I may have deleted mine, but the police can retrace them.

He was vvv quiet yesterday, so my message will have worked for now.

Would you send the cease and desist letter, out of interest?

I would go to the police. Let them know what he said, that you deleted it and how you felt that about him still being able to get to you despite you attempting to cut off all contact, move away, etc, and that you became enraged and left that message. In hindsight, you know that you should have come to the police with the message instead of calling, but you thought you’d feel empowered at the time. Ask them if the message can be recovered, (I don’t think so.) because you believe that would be very clear evidence to have him charged with all kinds of things.

Honestly… If you could just put the bastard in jail, that would be the best solution for you and the rest of the planet.

@Justilou1ustilou - there were many messages - 9 or 10 I think. He will never ho to prison because he lacks capacity. He is quite severely disordered - autistic, alcoholic, learning disabilities.

The police will be able to recover the messages. I’ve been in a similar situation before & discussed it with them.

Well that’s good. I’m sorry he can’t be jailed. He can probably be sectioned though.

Why would he be sectioned? He’s not going to kill himself or anyone else. He is autistic & alcoholic, nobody will section just on the basis of that. I’ve been there, too, with him.

Restrict all your Facebook posts to only you and one person. Gradually add more people who can see the posts and eventually you find out who is feeding him

change your answerphone response so it says "do not leave voicemails as I don't listen to them, try calling again later", and then stop listening to voicemails.

Thanks for this. It’s my voicemail on my mobile, not my answerphone. I was looking for specific advice on the events of Saturday but have sorted it now. Thanks for help!

Hi Op,

I'm glad to see you have a plan in place, I've definitely learned from experience the less control they have results in a weaker hold they have over you so hope the facebook cull works.

Why is it the evil people on this planet seem to be the ones who out live us all ? My Nan is a vile human and suspect she has some sort or disorder/ narcissistic yet she's lived through a world war and pandemic - still alive and kicking although the distant family keep telling me she's always on her death bed. Funny when they're not around I see her walking around town doing her shopping 🤦‍♀️🤣

Good job, @AchingLimbs! I’m glad you feel that things are moving forward in a way that leaves you feeling less invaded disempowered by this bastard. Hopefully he will drink himself into oblivion sooner rather than later.