Confronting abuser - how would you? TW sex abuse

[AchingLimbs]

My father is an alcoholic with autism. There’s a huge history. I’ve created distance, he doesn’t know where I live, and I have blocked him on everything and am NC, but he has my mobile number. If you block a mobile number, the caller can still leave messages. He has a habit of leaving me 2-3 messages, usually sarcastic and abusive, but I don’t listen to them.

Yesterday he’d clearly been at the bottle all day and left 2 in the morning which were about a family matter. Someone on my FB is leaking back info to him. I post v little on there, but he knows which groups & who I interact with. It is getting back to him and he’s and angry man. I’m a grown woman of 46 FFS. How dare he have any say?

There were 7 messages in the afternoon, of a vile, graphic content, about how now he is alone, he may be 70 but is still able to use his body, what he would do to single female family members - including me (I’ve recently split with my partner whichever bastard is feeding him info on FB must have told him this) and the last few were along the lines of, “Don’t be shy” and asking about virginity. They turned my fucking stomach. I had to delete. I wish now that I saved his filth to play back to him.

My question is, what would you do today? I’m bubbling up with so much anger and hatred. HOW DARE HE? The man who put me on this earth, what a fucking disgrace to humanity.

This isn’t AIBU but…
AIBU to call him and tell him I will cut his fucking bollocks off and feed them to him if he EVER disturbs me again?

Do I call the police? He was arrested for violence once but it couldn’t be taken to court as he doesn’t have cognitive capacity, apparently. Shall I call them anyway, and ask an officer to pay him a visit?

Shall I organise a cease & desist letter, too? Maybe see a solicitor tomorrow?

I was also thinking of putting a message on my FB to ask who I hevee troll is feeding him to stop.

Or do I stay silent? That might pain him, too.

I have NC for this, obviously, as it turns my stomach.

Are you sure you can't disable your voicemail? I can def turn mine off so phone just rings out

Depends on your phone and provider, but I have disabled my voicemail.
The police should be able to retrieve the deleted voicemails if you give them your phone.
Your father certainly has serious issues. How dare he be so vile to you and about women 😤
I think the police will take the threat of sexual violence very seriously indeed!
I you feel calling him would help you then obviously do that.
In your shoes I'd send a letter. In anger on the phone you are less likely to say everything you need to.
On paper you can consider what to say and how to phrase it for maximum impact.
Its bizarre that one of your friends/family is passing info onto him. I think you'll need to do a Colleen Rooney.....
Good luck in your decisions.
But please don't let this person take up any more of your life 💐

A blocked number shouldn't even be able to get through at all so not sure how he is leaving you messages. I'd call your phone provider and get it sorted out completely! You can disable voicemail too. Mine is disabled.

I don't think you should confront him, I feel like that's what he wants, contact of any kind. I'd save any future messages and go to the police. Be very selective about who you talk to within your family. I'm so sorry you are in this position and hope you have some other real life support system around you!

In your position binwould disable voicemail (I haven't bothered with it for 15 years) and deactivate my Facebook account.

I can’t disable my voicemail completely because I need it for work.

Please believe me - people keep repeating - a blocked number can still leave voicemails.

OP, I would post all his vile messages on your FB page, with a message to all your FB contacts that this is why you are asking all of them to stop passing any information about you to the perpetrator.
It might just shock the leaker into stopping, when they see what you are suffering as a result of their actions.
By all means go down the police/solicitor route, but alcoholic brain damage will probably mean he a) forgets their visit straight afterwards and b) lacks capacity to be prosecuted for his behaviour.

@Gerwurtztraminer
Thank you so much for this advice. You clearly know about alcoholism & you are right. I am expecting empathy and him to confront his behaviours, but he won’t. One time he just laughed when someone reminded him how vile he had been to me. I judging potential impact by my own sanity and actions, rather than by his. He is clearly damaged, perhaps also brain damaged, because of his alcoholism. I can’t expect much reaction. He will most certainly have blacked out & forgotten.

I like the idea of that FB message. It might help to have it acknowledged.

Thank you, @Babdoc, you advice is consistent with what I’ve just posted to Gewurtztraminer… the Fb message might provoke some reaction - and might also serve as a reminder to others

I really would edit FB contacts and get a new mobile number. That you move over to. And eventually you just never have that sim in an active phone. So he is literally shouting into the void. And you never hear from him again.

@AchingLimbs

No. You can’t disable voicemail.

Are you sure? I've turned off my voicemail so noone can leave a message.

Sorry just seen you need vmail for work.

I wouldn't post anything on FB about this. The person who is leaking might enjoy the drama, and I don't think it would help if you then later want to go to the police.

That’s true, maybe best not post in FB.

Yes, whilst voicemail can be disabled, I do need it for work. Blocked callers can still leave messages, I’ve asked & done research around it, too.

OP you are correct - a blocked number CAN still leave voicemails - it happens to my sen dd and our network provider has confirmed the only thing to do is give the number over to them as spam/phishing to look into, but in all likelihood, nothing will happen or change.

Personally I wouldn’t confront your dad - he’ll either not remember what he said or he won’t be bothered. He’ll probably enjoy the fact that he’s getting to you, invading your life and making things problematic for you.

I would definitely contact the police first and get their advice, he’s surely got to be breaking some law. Take it from there based on their advice.

In the meantime, I would delete all but essential friends on Facebook, even if that means you’re down to a handful - at least you know they’re true friends you can trust. Only be part of private groups, not public.

Maybe you should infuriate him by waiting until early evening and sending a text message stating that you deleted his messages without listening to them like you do to all the shit he says to you. He’d probably be just drunk enough to get angry and try again. Then you could call the police with a very truthful account of the deleted messages and something to show them.

Also suggest that you delete all people in common or your entire FB profile (once you have saved all your photos, of course.) I had to do similar to escape the flying monkeys who were feeding info to my abusers too.

Yes blocked numbers can leave voicemails. Also withheld numbers can.

I do think the polite message on Facebook s a good idea.

If you get any more in future do save and report to police. You could also consider reporting now so words of advice are given to him. Any further contact can then be dealt with as he has been told what is appropriate.

Well you learn something every day. I didn’t know blocked numbers can leave messages either.
Police and solicitor’s letter I think.
Police can retrieve deleted voicemails, I think.
I certainly wouldn’t be speaking to him, it doesn’t sound like he would be sorry and not do it again.
As to Facebook just come off it.

Could you get a separate phone for work? Or can your phone use a dual SIM? Tat way you could disable voicemail on your personal line only. Could that be an option?

Why don't you just change your phone number?
Also you should have kept the messages and reported it to the police.

Also the OP should be able to use social media and use her voicemails without fear of harassment.

She shouldn’t have to moderate or change her reasonable use of this to safeguard herself from abuse.

Maybe a post on your Facebook saying whoever is feeding my private information back to my father, I hope you sleep well t night, especially after he just left several messages threatening sexual assault against me and other single females in the family.
That maybe enough to make thera stop and think, and stop passing on messages.
I would however change your number (yes you shouldn't have to) but it's the only way you can stop these messages

Do you have lots of friends on fb, ie over 100? If not, and if you have some small idea who it might might be, could you send a dm with some false info in it, slightly different to each person, and see what comes back to you. It might take some time but you'll find out who it is.
I think from now on you need to not listen to his messages, but keep them to build up a harassment case against him. Hopefully the police and the solicitor you engage will help you with how to do this.
I wouldn't ever contact him. I think it would just give him pleasure to know he had got to you.

I don’t think it is appropriate to put the message @HalzTangz wrote above, as it will be reported straight back to this evil sperm donor and he will love the effect that he has had. No way does he get that satisfaction - or the saboteur for that matter.

Ok. This is my plan.

• I couldn’t help myself this morning & I rang him. I wanted to confront him with his shit & to let him hear that I HAVE A VOICE cos otherwise he will think I’m a silent compliant weakling. He didn’t answer phone so I left a message. I used his own coercive language - come on now, you want a bit of this, surely. I told him he’s a disgrace to humanity and if he dares to leave such messages again, I will cut off his very parts of the anatomy he mentioned and feed them to him. I was very clear and unaffected & I told him I will call the police, and that if he touches my family or me ever again I will put him in jail.

• Tomorrow, I will call the police and log this as harassment and sexual violence. Previously they offered to visit his home. I will request that they do so.

• I will get a solicitor to send a thing-and-desist letter.

He will hear authority, just not from me.

I have blocked & dropped ppl from FB, but there wasn’t much there anyway. I will continue as normal. I have the right to connect to my family & friends.

I will not change my number. I will do what I usually do - listen to 1 millisecond of a message to see if it’s of importance, and then delete. But I think if I do the police & letter, he will be silent for some time.

Thanks for all your help & suggestions.

Cease and desist.

In case anyone needs it, there are samples here:

www.lawdepot.co.uk/contracts/cease-and-desist-letter/#.YSJKhiV4XDs

Looks like I can write my own before taking legal action. I will speak to the police first.