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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

My mum just died

82 replies

Kitkatchunkyplease · 22/08/2021 04:53

She died about 11pm. I can't sleep. I can't believe this has happened. I've never really posted on mumsnet quite like this, but I'm lying in bed and it feels like the longest night. I don't know whether to keep trying to sleep or give up and get up.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 22/08/2021 07:15

ThanksI'm sorry for your loss.

There is no right and wrong way of grieving. If you want to go to work on Monday, that's fine - missing the inset day may just make your job harder. What other people do or don't do is irrelevant. Do what's right for you and your family.
Your mother sounds wonderful and will leave a big hole in all your lives.

There are quite a few books which help little ones of your DDs age understand death gently. We lost an uncle we were close to when DD was 3, she wanted me to read a story called 'Badger's parting gifts' repeatedly. Goodbye Mog is another often mentioned, it wasn't written back then and I'm not sure I could read that one aloud without my voice breaking down.

kittlesticks · 22/08/2021 07:30

Hi @Kitkatchunkyplease just wanted to extend my condolences and to let you know that this happened to me, to our family, in June. My wonderful mum died completely out of the blue. She was late 60s and suffered a heart aneurysm. It's sinking in a bit now but I still struggle to believe she's fully gone. The pain I'm in is HUGE and I think it helps sometimes to think 'it really is this bad' and that calms my mind in a strange way.
I also relied utterly on her for childcare for two young children and it feels like my life has been shaken about in a bag.

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum. There's a thread in bereavement for losing a parent - you will find people in there who understand when you're ready. In the meantime I am sending you a lot of solidarity and recommend taking it 30 minutes at a time today. Try to keep hydrated, if you can't eat.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 22/08/2021 07:32

aww love to you it's awful loosing your mum. When this happened to me i put on a favourite film that i found comforting. It helped.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 22/08/2021 07:32

Thank you. Especially for the advice, it's really appreciated. I just told my dd who of course didn't understand it at all, poor little thing. My mum thought she was the absolute world. She was a great grandma and had the time to do all sorts of things that I always feel too busy to do while working full time.

OP posts:
Nottodayjosephine111 · 22/08/2021 07:39

So sorry for your loss OP. Your mum sounds amazing.

We lost my maternal grandmother at 8pm last night. She’s been in a home for older people with mental health issues for around 15 years though, so I feel like I lost my actual gran then. Was diagnosed with untreatable cancer about 2 weeks ago, then it got her. She was 80, so lived a long life. I got to see her last week and she knew who I was so that’s something at least.

Be kind to yourself and lean on those around you. I won’t be leaving my mum alone for a while, she’ll have to kick me out ❤️

Kitkatchunkyplease · 22/08/2021 07:44

I'm so sorry to hear about your gran. I lost my nan 6 years ago from dementia so I recognise that feeling that you've already lost them. It doesn't make it easier though,does it.

OP posts:
HairyMaryMyCanary · 22/08/2021 07:49

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers
I was numb for a long time after my mother died. It's seven years now, and I feel her near me most days.

Nottodayjosephine111 · 22/08/2021 07:50

Yeah she had dementia, but also scitzophrenia and had a stroke a few years back too so really wasn’t the gran I’d known for long enough. Sounds bad, but it may be a bit of relief she has passed. She wouldn’t have wanted to live like that, and she is at peace now.

I hope you get on okay today telling DMs friends. See how you feel later about going to work, just feel your feelings and go with it. Sending you brave vibes and hugs Flowers

MrsG30 · 22/08/2021 07:57

I’m so sorry OP Flowers. I lost my dad on the 10th, and it’s heartbreaking 💔

UncomfortableSilence · 22/08/2021 07:59

I'm so very sorry for your loss. A sudden loss is so hard to process. I lost my Dad before Christmas also very suddenly. I too work in a school and decided to go straight back as felt the distraction would help and due to Covid we had to wait for 3 weeks for his funeral, looking back now I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. Make sure to look after you, I know that sounds cliched but I spent all my time supporting my mum, brother and DDs and I really feel I haven't even started to grieve.

ZiggZagg · 22/08/2021 08:00

Oh OP, my heart is breaking for you. My gorgeous dad died in April at only 70 years old, it was half expected but he was so strong and had always recovered previously so I think we all expected him to get better this time but it was not to be. A few points for you.

DD will feel something is wrong and will likely understand nana is gone. My DS3 kept asking if grandad was coming home from hospital for a while and there was a change in his behaviors, he became quite aggressive and emotional. Please be patient with her as she will not fully understand what is happening. Also, in the moments of darkness, she will provide strength and light for you. DS truly saved me from utter despair, in such a way that only one so innocent can. Even in utter heartbreak my DS made me laugh and, of course, they keep you busy!

Talk about her, she has left you with a lifetime of wonderful memories and love. These will keep you going in the darkest of times.

Work can wait. I started a new job 5 days after dads funeral. I had no choice financially but I know now I needed more time. I can't emphasize this enough OP, this is a time for you and your family. You must prioritize yourselves at this point. My DSis is a Midwife and has not long gone back. I wish I had had the option.

Your family are number 1. Be with them, support your dad. Everything will be full on with practical tasks, arranging the funeral, informing agencies etc. Take time as a family, even if just to cry. The hard work starts after you lay your beloved mum to rest, the loneliness and foreverness will kick in and you will need each other like never before.

Eat properly and ensure you sleep when you need it, grief can cause you to eat crap which will make you feel worse. Eat the cake but ensure it is not all you eat.

Take the help, we wanted to do everything for mum (and dad) but it is too much and leads to utter exhaustion. If aunty x wants to do the dishes let her, uncle y can take the bins out.

Finally, take time to just be. Think about her, laugh, cry, talk to her, look out for signs from her. ( I'm not woo but have definitely felt dads presence when I needed reassurance).

Take care if yourself OP, remember all the things your mum did for you and taught you and you will realize she is never truly gone, she has left an amazing legacy in you which you will now pass on to your DD.

Lots of love ❤️

lachy · 22/08/2021 08:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your DM sounds like a lovely lady.

Sending hugs to you and your family Flowers

Stillfunny · 22/08/2021 08:09

I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is unique as they have been in your life since the beginning. Your mother sounds lovely and was loved by a lot of people. That is a blessing in her short life. But it sounds like she had a happy life with you and your daughter especially.
I hope the happy memories will sustain your family through the coming days. Flowers

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/08/2021 08:10

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. She sounds like a wonderful mum. Hugs from this internet stranger. Thanks

mnahmnah · 22/08/2021 08:11

Hi OP. So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad at this time of year and I’m a teacher too. I took the first two week of term off. Other staff were brilliant, so supportive, I didn’t have to do a thing. I would really recommend taking that time and not worrying about school. It’s a strange start to the year, but you soon catch up once you return.

FeralMeryl · 22/08/2021 08:26

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a strange new landscape to navigate.
I had some very odd thought processes after my mum died (such as a strong urge to ask older ladies if they'd "be my mum" and bitter envy at fictional characters who still had their mums).

I still find it helpful at times when I'm alone, to make a couple of cups of tea, sit at the table and chat to her (like Pearl Mackie's character did in Dr Who).

In time, memories that may seem too painful now will become joyful and treasured.

Greeneyesbiglashes · 22/08/2021 08:35

I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like an amazing woman and the way you speak shows how much you appreciated her which i’m sure she would have known 💕

lljkk · 22/08/2021 10:22

Have you any practical things to arrange, OP? Like taking care of your late mother's pets, home, financial affairs? Did she have a will? do you need to notify other people?

There's no manual how to do this. One moment at a time.

QueenHofScotland · 22/08/2021 10:30

I’m so sorry for your loss - I lost my mum in June and I don’t think anything prepares you for it.

A was bereft on those first few days - I still am but it’s not as raw now. I felt physical pain and wondered how I could get through each day feeling the way I did. A close friend promised me that I would never feel as bad as I felt during those first few days ever again, and she was right, thank god.

I still miss my mum desperately and think about her constantly. I have been off work for 9 weeks now and plan to go back in two weeks. I couldn’t face people and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do my job properly with the way I was feeling. I also had a lot to sort out in terms of the funeral and her home as I don’t have a dad.

Sending you love and strength to get through this first day without her.

Thinking also of her best friend too.

Kitkatchunkyplease · 22/08/2021 14:17

Thank you for all the kindness and wisdom on this thread.
I have rung all of my mum's nearest and dearest. The first call was the hardest but by the end I was pretty good at it. That took hours and hours and now I'm going for a sleep as I do finally feel tired.

OP posts:
tubbycustardtummyache · 22/08/2021 14:25

I am sorry. The same thing happened to me about 6 months ago (even down to the timing of the death and childcare). It is horrible and disorienting.
It’s very personal what you do about work. I only took 2 days as I needed the distraction but I can see why you might need much longer. Look after yourself x

MegaClutterSlut · 22/08/2021 15:25

Sorry for your loss op, take care of yourself Flowers

We lost fil unexpectedly and I just remember all of us sitting there in a room, all together in utter disbelief at what happened

Lockdownbear · 22/08/2021 22:45

How are you now?
That must have been physically and emotionally draining to call her friends.

There is definitely a wave of stuff to do that carrys you along for the first few days. Gives you something to actually think about.

Vallmo47 · 22/08/2021 22:52

I’m very sorry op. I lost my mum in 2007, she was only just turned 60 years old.
You sound in shock. Please talk to us anytime 💗

Zeev · 22/08/2021 22:57

I'm so sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing.