Have you ever been in a situation where someone just doesn't like you for no reason? Advice needed!

[Redandgreenjaguar]

Hi everyone!

I am struggling with knowing how to deal with my BIL and SIL who from day 1 have 'chosen' not to like me. I have now been married to DH for 2 years and been together for 7 years and if anything it has got worse. We are due to attend my FIL 70th joint birthday tomorrow and I am dreading the event so much because they will be there.

I have always been friendly, polite and kind however no matter how hard I have tried they will always manipulate a situation to make me look like my intentions were negative. Since covid happened we have not even them often, but to name a few examples from the past:

• meeting in our home city for lunch. SIL/BIL arriving from another city and for them to avoid getting lost and paying for parking, I offered for them to park at our flat for free and I would drive us all in and park close by (DH did not have a car). BIL asked my DH why all the plans had to evolve around me. 😳 they drove in, got lost and turned up 90 mins late.

• At their house, BIL and SIL was playing in the garden with puppy and when they went inside to grab food I continued playing with with him, the ground was wet from the rain and he ran and jumped on the trampoline and splashed himself. SIL came storming out saying I was getting the dog wet and spent about 15 minutes complaining how they would have to get a towel to dry him now (I was spoken to like a child)

• general attempt at excluding me during skype/meet ups. Never very friendly with me and sometimes I don't even get acknowledged, it takes me going above and beyond to say hi and ask questions etc to communicate with both.

• critism of gifts we've bought for their children, sometimes we don't even get a thank you. Received critism on social media I.e a photo of child on a rocking horse we bought with toddler crying on it saying how they hated it

I have many examples, and I can honestly say I genuinely cannot think of a legitimate reason why they dislike me so much. ( don't want to say it without sounding arrogant but I am happy and live a good life surrounded by my lovely family and I have a rewarding job, maybe its that?) I am pretty quiet, inoffensive and I've always tried to be polite and kind. By all means, I am not perfect but i can not think of examples of my behaviour as to why they treat me the way they do. DH said that they treated his ex partners in the exact same way and were quite nasty, from memory calling his (nice) ex a horse because of her teeth.

For the event tomorrow. DH asked what time we would be needed to meet them both to go and collect the cake and some other items for the event - BIL said I didn't need to attend.. I feel so pushed out. I dont know whether to go or not now! Should I still go or meet them all later?

Has anyone else found that somebody just doesn't like them and you can't work out why? I know I shouldn't care but it's hard when they are family and there are occasions where I have to meet them. How did you approach it? Am I best continuing 'killing them with kindness'. I have been dreading tomorrow for weeks now and I honestly don't want to go. There is only a small group going so difficult to avoid them.

They sound absolutely fucking awful.

Why shouldn't you go to your FILs celebration just because they're a pair of arseholes? Honestly, if it was me, I would go and enjoy myself but I wouldn't give either of these people the time of day. Fuck em I say.

Wow they sound like absolute arseholes!

My experience was with a work colleague. I was 23 when I started work with her. She was 43. She was pretty much a bitch to me from day 1. Being young and naive and desperate to be liked and desperate to please and just generally a kind pleasant young woman I went down the 'kill her with kindness' route. It didn't change her attitude to me one bit.

Fast forward 20, yes 20 years and she's finally treating me with respect. The change has come from me. I'm now in my 40's and I'm just not the same person I was when I started. I'm not afraid to speak up for myself anymore, I'm not scared to call her out on her behaviour. The first time I pulled her up on it that was it, she caved and has been nice as pie to me ever since.

They're basically bullies. Find your voice. Go to the party and say, I don't appreciate you suggesting don't need to come, in fact it was incredibly rude, im as much a member of this family as you are!

Be strong.

I've had this and you have my sympathies. I stuck with the kill them with kindness approach. I did try to speak to the family member to see if I had done something to cause offence but it was turned to make me look like the aggressor, the reality was they just hated me. I don't make an effort to help them out, I make no effort with gifts (money in a card) and whilst I can't change their behaviour, how I react is down to me and i am a nice person, so it's their loss!

It isn't you, OP, it'll be something beyond your control like their own insecurities. You have a job and a family and are content. Some people can't deal with other people's happiness. Don't let them spoil it for you. It's what they want.

For the event tomorrow, do you want to go and collect a cake? Why does your DH need to go? Aren't SIL & BIL capable of collecting a cake on their own. I think you and DH need to agree between yourselves what you want, and then present a united front, whatever suits you best.

They're a set of cunts, there's no winning them round so no point even trying. If I were you I'd be very polite but cold and formal with them. Channel your inner ballet teacher dealing with pushy parents - just make it clear they're beneath you and don't engage.

Sounds like my dh's family members. Friends think it's jealousy because I seem to hold it altogether well. Or more likely I don't splash everything over social media.

I refuse to engage now. I keep my distance turn up to the event and sit beside my dh and kids and that's it,

I give up on people like that, I just stop making the effort. I had it with a could dh’s female friends (wives of his mates), I did my best then just decided “fuck it their loss”.

I can relate to your post except it is my own sister who treats me this way. I always suspected but only recently had confirmed from her daughter that she is jealous of me. I think jealousy is at the route of your situation. You have got your life together, they have not. You have something that they wish they had. Probably your calm demeanour and the fact you are quietly getting on with your life without needing to prove anything to them. Some people are just wired to be jealous. There isn't a lot you can do about it other than control your own reaction to it. They don't have the ability to change their jealous feelings so don't let it get to you. I have tried to view my sisters behaviour as her showing herself up rather than attacking me. That emotional distance has allowed me over the years to become less bothered by these scenes where she tries to sabotage. Be the bigger person.

You do you. Ignore them and don't give them the satisfaction of showing them you're upset. Leave them and their playground antics to themselves.

What does your dh say/do when they treat you so dreadfully?

Before I got to the end of your post I was going to say that I bet they treat others like this as well. And seems I was right.

I would just not bother with them any more. Who cares what they think. They’re arseholes and you don’t owe them anything.

And no I wouldn’t bother killing with kindness. Life’s too short to seek validation from people who you don’t need in your life.

They are bullies OP, their behaviour is not about you or anything you have done.

And they don’t get to push you out and dictate whether you get to go to family events. If you get along with FIL, go and have a lovely time and just ignore them.

Does your DP support you with this? I’d be really angry if my sister treated my DH like this for no reason.

I'd still go. Surely it's up to your FIL who is invited? Anyway be civil but in future stop trying, stop bothering and stop caring.

They sound like total cunts

I have a colleague who really confuses me. She's done things that are literally some of the worst things that have ever happened to me at work - think humiliating me in front of the rest of the team - and has also totally had my back at other times, also I rate her technically, she's extremely good and I learn a lot from her. I just don't know how to cope with working with her and I'm afraid of her, frankly. Trying my best to get out of her team - almost there, next month I hope.

I’d go, hold your head up high and ignore them - don’t try and engage with them, very simple answers if they do speak to you, just look really disinterested.

They sound horrible.

Don't know why I posted that.

I'd just ignore them. If you want to ho - go. But set yourself some boundaries before you go and don't grovel to them.

To those who ask about my DH, they sometimes treat him the same way but definately not as bad as the way they treat me. We have both been critised on social media but in a tactful way whereby if we brought it up, they would easily claim it wasn't about us it was about someone else.. It has caused a few arguments in the past with my DH tbh when I've felt so uncomfortable because of the way they have spoken to me and he hasn't noticed (been distracted) and I've taken it out on him for not sticking up for me. He's noticed It more now though, and started to speak up more. DH said I didn't have to go and help them collect cake/table decorations and I could stay with FIL but both agreed they would be getting what they want an excluding me, so I will probably go anyway, although dreading it all the same.

They have been awful tbh. They turned up 2 hours late to one meet up and rather than apologising when they saw us, BIL seemed to be mad at us that we hadn't seen his text that he had sent 15 mins before telling us he was going to be late 🤷

FIL is not keen on SIL either for many reasons not disclosed on here (involving borrowing money and not paying him back).

To the above poster I think you are sadly right about jealousy, I do not judge them in any way, I honestly believe you should live your life how you want to, but we are polar opposites. SIL doesn't work (no judgement she has young children I don't blame her) and they like to spend their money on gadgets etc

Myself and DH have no gadgets (very old phones, no smart watches, Alexas etc) but spend our money on adventures, holidays, camping etc if I don't say so myself, we are a great match, and laugh a lot together. We're close to both our families (minus them) whereas SIL and BIL have a strained relationship with FIL and her parents.

Killing them with kindness hasn't got me very far... Its hard i want to be more assertive, it isn't my nature but if I was it would give them more fuel to hate me more and no doubt there would be social media posts!

Are they from a different race, class, culture or religion? I’m assuming not but wonder d if they didn’t approve because you were somehow an ‘outsider ‘?

They sounds awful.

I had this a number of years ago. I started a new job and one of the women I was working with was very cold to me. When we were alone I asked her what I had done to upset her. She admitted that she had applied internally for the job but I got it. She apologised and was lovely after that. We became great friends.

@permanentTemporary .. OK this really resonates with me, I have a colleague like this and he is bloody awful but incredibly smart. A lot of other staff are intimidated by him, so much so, they haven't gone for a managers job because they don't want to manage him... he's done some awful things and is an utter bully. Some people will be over friendly with him as they would rather be friends with the enemy, I distanced myself from him but that seemed to fuel him being awful even more. I stay WELL AWAY now. Before covid I sat next to him in the office... oh I don't miss that one bit!

Don’t waste you time killing them with kindness. Ignore the fools. You’re not in a high school playground. They need to grow up.

@oneglassandpuzzled good question, they live down south, we live up north. Class could be argued i guess? I was brought up by a lovely working family, my dad was never home because he worked so many hours. Me and my sister were always encouraged to prioritise our education as my dad wanted us to have less struggles than he had growing up. With that, I had a good education and landed a good respectful job. I sometimes get told i sound a little posh but I am definitely not! Do you think that could have something to do with it? I havent thought of that before!

I'd spend the day amusing myself by seeing if I could communicate 'you're a cunt' every time I looked at either of them without actually saying it. You and DH could play bingo ticking off the things you expect them to say/ways you expect them to behave, see how many you can accurately predict. I would ridicule them in my own subtle way for their petty, jealous hatred of you, a shared look and hidden smirk between you and DH when they tick another item on the bingo card will make the whole thing more bearable imo. This is 100% about them though OP, their issues and insecurities, you sound lovely

[quote Redandgreenjaguar]@oneglassandpuzzled good question, they live down south, we live up north. Class could be argued i guess? I was brought up by a lovely working family, my dad was never home because he worked so many hours. Me and my sister were always encouraged to prioritise our education as my dad wanted us to have less struggles than he had growing up. With that, I had a good education and landed a good respectful job. I sometimes get told i sound a little posh but I am definitely not! Do you think that could have something to do with it? I havent thought of that before![/quote]
You sound as if you’ve got far more going for you than they have! I suspect chips on their shoulders.