Have you ever been in a situation where someone just doesn't like you for no reason? Advice needed!

[Redandgreenjaguar]

Hi everyone!

I am struggling with knowing how to deal with my BIL and SIL who from day 1 have 'chosen' not to like me. I have now been married to DH for 2 years and been together for 7 years and if anything it has got worse. We are due to attend my FIL 70th joint birthday tomorrow and I am dreading the event so much because they will be there.

I have always been friendly, polite and kind however no matter how hard I have tried they will always manipulate a situation to make me look like my intentions were negative. Since covid happened we have not even them often, but to name a few examples from the past:

• meeting in our home city for lunch. SIL/BIL arriving from another city and for them to avoid getting lost and paying for parking, I offered for them to park at our flat for free and I would drive us all in and park close by (DH did not have a car). BIL asked my DH why all the plans had to evolve around me. 😳 they drove in, got lost and turned up 90 mins late.

• At their house, BIL and SIL was playing in the garden with puppy and when they went inside to grab food I continued playing with with him, the ground was wet from the rain and he ran and jumped on the trampoline and splashed himself. SIL came storming out saying I was getting the dog wet and spent about 15 minutes complaining how they would have to get a towel to dry him now (I was spoken to like a child)

• general attempt at excluding me during skype/meet ups. Never very friendly with me and sometimes I don't even get acknowledged, it takes me going above and beyond to say hi and ask questions etc to communicate with both.

• critism of gifts we've bought for their children, sometimes we don't even get a thank you. Received critism on social media I.e a photo of child on a rocking horse we bought with toddler crying on it saying how they hated it

I have many examples, and I can honestly say I genuinely cannot think of a legitimate reason why they dislike me so much. ( don't want to say it without sounding arrogant but I am happy and live a good life surrounded by my lovely family and I have a rewarding job, maybe its that?) I am pretty quiet, inoffensive and I've always tried to be polite and kind. By all means, I am not perfect but i can not think of examples of my behaviour as to why they treat me the way they do. DH said that they treated his ex partners in the exact same way and were quite nasty, from memory calling his (nice) ex a horse because of her teeth.

For the event tomorrow. DH asked what time we would be needed to meet them both to go and collect the cake and some other items for the event - BIL said I didn't need to attend.. I feel so pushed out. I dont know whether to go or not now! Should I still go or meet them all later?

Has anyone else found that somebody just doesn't like them and you can't work out why? I know I shouldn't care but it's hard when they are family and there are occasions where I have to meet them. How did you approach it? Am I best continuing 'killing them with kindness'. I have been dreading tomorrow for weeks now and I honestly don't want to go. There is only a small group going so difficult to avoid them.

This is bizarre, what horrible people. It is them not you. I have some tricky family members who I can't be sure how they'll be. I deal with it by just having no expectations at all, I am just polite, go with it and just emotionally distance myself. You know it is them. Sad if family relationships aren't what we want but that is how it is. I would hide them on face book or what ever. You don't need to engage. Unsure why your husband is tolerating it, as a couple you should distance yourselves. Ps it doesn't take 4 people to collect a cake - it would be normal for you to let them get on with it.

I would ignore them too. Make polite conversation if you have to but otherwise treat them with complete indifference.

From experience... Drop the rope.

Disengage immediately - these arseholes are living rent-free in your mind. Evict them.

Stop thinking about presents (let your DH organise and buy them all)

Don't make any effort when they visit- no cooking, no prep, no planning activities, nothing... ideally take yourself off somewhere else and leave your DH to it.

For fils birthday do something other than cake collect '- nice walk in the park or take some decorations and set them up or just have some tea and biscuits w FIL

My own version of this is my DH and his oxbridge uni friends are hugely cliquey and were basically a shower of unwelcoming arseholes despite huge efforts on my part
(An example... we got engaged and went to a 12-15 person dinner party no one said congratulations while i wss in the room and no one asked to see my bloody amazing ring they'd known me 3+ years at this point)
The whole thing stressed me out and upset me at the time. Then i dropped the rope
Now...
When actually invited -I decline of their group events
When i get free tickets for concerts/theatre/events i take my friends not his
i dont bother making 3-4 course meals when they deign to visit. Dh does all the prep and clean up
i make no conversational effort unless i want to.

It was a very liberating exercise and i highly recommend it. I reached new zeniths of zero fucks given.

I agree they sound like a pair of dicks , I always like to think people like that are just so unhappy they like to take their misery out in others because it makes them feel better.
Why shouldn’t they like you , even if they find you annoying or whatever there is no need to behave like that and that comment that you don’t need to be there . Your dh should of stood up to him and said of course you will be there . I think you have to options you let everything go and ignore as you have been doing which to be honest isn’t working or every time they pass comment you pull them up tell your dh to do the same . I honestly wouldn’t let them get away with talking to you like that I think you and your dh need to speak up and stick up for each other.

OP, these people are arseholes. Be civil with them if you have to but do nothing else. Cut the cord- don’t have them on SM, let DH sort out presents for birthdays and Christmas and when you have to see them at family events be cool with them and focus on what you want to do. The more you do this, the easier it will become.

Some people are just vile, leave them to it and avoid giving them any headspace