Have you ever been in a situation where someone just doesn't like you for no reason? Advice needed!

[Redandgreenjaguar]

Hi everyone!

I am struggling with knowing how to deal with my BIL and SIL who from day 1 have 'chosen' not to like me. I have now been married to DH for 2 years and been together for 7 years and if anything it has got worse. We are due to attend my FIL 70th joint birthday tomorrow and I am dreading the event so much because they will be there.

I have always been friendly, polite and kind however no matter how hard I have tried they will always manipulate a situation to make me look like my intentions were negative. Since covid happened we have not even them often, but to name a few examples from the past:

• meeting in our home city for lunch. SIL/BIL arriving from another city and for them to avoid getting lost and paying for parking, I offered for them to park at our flat for free and I would drive us all in and park close by (DH did not have a car). BIL asked my DH why all the plans had to evolve around me. 😳 they drove in, got lost and turned up 90 mins late.

• At their house, BIL and SIL was playing in the garden with puppy and when they went inside to grab food I continued playing with with him, the ground was wet from the rain and he ran and jumped on the trampoline and splashed himself. SIL came storming out saying I was getting the dog wet and spent about 15 minutes complaining how they would have to get a towel to dry him now (I was spoken to like a child)

• general attempt at excluding me during skype/meet ups. Never very friendly with me and sometimes I don't even get acknowledged, it takes me going above and beyond to say hi and ask questions etc to communicate with both.

• critism of gifts we've bought for their children, sometimes we don't even get a thank you. Received critism on social media I.e a photo of child on a rocking horse we bought with toddler crying on it saying how they hated it

I have many examples, and I can honestly say I genuinely cannot think of a legitimate reason why they dislike me so much. ( don't want to say it without sounding arrogant but I am happy and live a good life surrounded by my lovely family and I have a rewarding job, maybe its that?) I am pretty quiet, inoffensive and I've always tried to be polite and kind. By all means, I am not perfect but i can not think of examples of my behaviour as to why they treat me the way they do. DH said that they treated his ex partners in the exact same way and were quite nasty, from memory calling his (nice) ex a horse because of her teeth.

For the event tomorrow. DH asked what time we would be needed to meet them both to go and collect the cake and some other items for the event - BIL said I didn't need to attend.. I feel so pushed out. I dont know whether to go or not now! Should I still go or meet them all later?

Has anyone else found that somebody just doesn't like them and you can't work out why? I know I shouldn't care but it's hard when they are family and there are occasions where I have to meet them. How did you approach it? Am I best continuing 'killing them with kindness'. I have been dreading tomorrow for weeks now and I honestly don't want to go. There is only a small group going so difficult to avoid them.

@coasterCoaster YES I love this idea!!!!

That will definately keep me entertained and i am sure there are many we could think of.

Thank you

Of course but it's never about you, it's about them.

Totally agree about being cool with them and no more trying to kill them with kindness. I don’t like confrontations either so would just give them a wide berth where possible. They must be very unhappy, bitter people to behave so unpleasantly towards you.

My husband's sisters disliked me intensely for 30 years, I still have no idea why. They treated him like shit too, but he always made excused.

When he had an affair and left me they were absolutely delighted and have welcomed him back to the fold like the long-lost prodigal brother .

It bothered me for a long time, especially when it meant my children got left out of family events. However, their attitude since he dumped us all has left me feeling rather glad they didn't like me, and my kids are now old enough to see things as they are and realise it's not my doing. God knows I tried.

The barmaid in our local was always really frosty towards me and l couldn't understand why....turns out she was shagging my fella.

Oh, and as examples of how they behaved.

They were 40 minutes late for our wedding, and had the gall to complain to me afterwards that I was too early.

They didn't turn up to my son's christening, despite us asking one of them to be godmother. Just didn't show up

They sent a round robin email saying how great it would be to see "all the cousins" at a family birthday party, but didn't invite out children and when asked said they didn't think we would want to come. Bizarre behaviour. I'm so glad I never have to see them again.

Definitely look at Grey Rock - you just don’t get interested or involved in any drama at all.

The problem I found with killing with kindness is that when you do need to be assertive or set the record straight, it is somehow used to show that you are not as nice as you seem or putting on an act. (Or that you are a drip that ‘deserves’ to be taught to be more assertive)

Push things back on them - what do you mean by that? Roll your eyes and say Why are you so angry?

I think it's sibling stuff.

Is it SIL that is related to your DH?

Could either be that he has been singled out as the scapegoat for whatever is going on with his sibling or resentment because sibling feels he's the 'golden child'.

Hard to say without more information. But whichever it is, it sounds as though all the resentment is taken out in the partner - you.

Nothing much you can do about it other than stop trying to have a positive relationship with them. You'll make no headway trying to make them treat you like a person because they're not really treating you like a person - just a phantom in some weird family drama.

Which is rubbish, really.

There's probably nothing your DH can do, either. Sounds like a deep dynamic and it has a lot of resentment of him at its base.

💐💐

Boundaries,...... you need much stronger boundaries ...they are not very nice , go to the event be yourself try to relax . You won't be rude as you are clearly not a rude person, you are a kind and sensitive person . It's time to stop.letting them bully you , boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries. ....Good luck

I think they’re jealous of you.
You have a nice life, a good job, a strong relationship and get on better with the in laws.
I had a stepsibling who was always awful to me and i think it was jealousy too. I spent years tying myself in knots trying to find a way to “make myself smaller” and get her to like me. I finally realised it wouldn’t ever happen when i publicly complimented her and she insulted me straight back. I remember thinking “yeah, im done here” and honestly, it was the best decision ever. Be free and enjoy time with your partner and the rest of the family and just ignore them.

God they sound hideous! I would personally ignore them in a polite way, don't give them any fuel, mind you it doesn't sound like they need to be given any fuel, they create it themselves regardless!

As to why? It cannot have anything to do with you if they were the same as your DH ex. Is it your DH they actually have the problem with and all connected to him? Who is his direct relative? Your BIL or SIL? I am presuming he doesn't get on well with them and maybe never has?

Have you ever considered that it's not the fact they don't like you but that they're just arseholes? Who treat many people inconsiderately and moan about things all the time. How do they speak about others when your around them?

Go to everything, be sweet & friendly. You'll come out on top.

I was treated so badly by my husbands sister when we first met, she was just nasty :(
It turned around after a few years, when she was so bad (our pre wedding dinner), she gave herself a fright. I had put up with it for so long, turned to her and said, you may get away with this behaviour in your family, but you cannot with mine.!I drove her parents back to their hotel and said their daughters behaviour was appalling and they all should be embarrassed. I got home to my partner, asked him why they thought it was ok they let her get away with it?
I was glad to get it out, and honestly don’t think they had ever heard it before. They had all just said, ah, that’s what she’s like etc
After all this, I stayed out of her way, didn’t engage, was polite when necessary, stopped trying to get her to like me.
20 years later, I can see clearly now, she was just so unhappy. Fortunately we live in different countries!
It was just gross, looking back, honestly she was so horrible, I’m surprised she didn’t scare me off all together

DH said I didn't have to go and help them collect cake/table decorations and I could stay with FIL but both agreed they would be getting what they want an excluding me, so I will probably go anyway, although dreading it all the same

So what if it’s what they want? Will you have a better/ less anxious time of it by not going and staying with FIL? Do that then. Don’t get drawn into their bullshit with ‘I’m not going to do what suits me best because that’s what they WANT me to do’ thinking. If you want to go pick up a cake do that, if you want to sit it out do that. Fuck what they want. And fuck them.

Stop trying to kill them with kindness. It’s not killing them at all, it’s enabling them if anything. Stop putting in the effort, unfollow on social media even if you can’t bring yourself to unfriend them, stop arranging meet ups with people who dislike you and make you feel bad, tenner in a card for kids birthdays and just treat them as an irrelevance the rest of the time. Definitely look up grey rock and try to do that - they’re unpleasant nasty people that you sometimes have to be in the same room as and that’s all.

They sound like absolute arseholes.
If I was in your position I would do one of 2 things depending on situation and atmosphere..

I would either ask what their problem was and turn it around on them and make them look like bullies in front of people or whilst they were talking, just smirk, little laugh and walk off and talk to someone else and make them realise they're idiots.

@Redandgreenjaguar

To those who ask about my DH, they sometimes treat him the same way but definately not as bad as the way they treat me. We have both been critised on social media but in a tactful way whereby if we brought it up, they would easily claim it wasn't about us it was about someone else.. It has caused a few arguments in the past with my DH tbh when I've felt so uncomfortable because of the way they have spoken to me and he hasn't noticed (been distracted) and I've taken it out on him for not sticking up for me. He's noticed It more now though, and started to speak up more. DH said I didn't have to go and help them collect cake/table decorations and I could stay with FIL but both agreed they would be getting what they want an excluding me, so I will probably go anyway, although dreading it all the same.

They have been awful tbh. They turned up 2 hours late to one meet up and rather than apologising when they saw us, BIL seemed to be mad at us that we hadn't seen his text that he had sent 15 mins before telling us he was going to be late 🤷

FIL is not keen on SIL either for many reasons not disclosed on here (involving borrowing money and not paying him back).

To the above poster I think you are sadly right about jealousy, I do not judge them in any way, I honestly believe you should live your life how you want to, but we are polar opposites. SIL doesn't work (no judgement she has young children I don't blame her) and they like to spend their money on gadgets etc

Myself and DH have no gadgets (very old phones, no smart watches, Alexas etc) but spend our money on adventures, holidays, camping etc if I don't say so myself, we are a great match, and laugh a lot together. We're close to both our families (minus them) whereas SIL and BIL have a strained relationship with FIL and her parents.

Killing them with kindness hasn't got me very far... Its hard i want to be more assertive, it isn't my nature but if I was it would give them more fuel to hate me more and no doubt there would be social media posts!

You have really answered your own question. Obviously you must go to the party and when you see them simply greet them at the beginning and wish them a safe journey home at the end. This means that you can speak to everyone else and enjoy yourself without worrying about them. If there are any snidey comments, ignore them. Silence speaks a thousand words. I hope you have a lovely time.

I echo the song what if that’s what they wanted thing
Get them and ‘what they want, think, expect to say out of your head
Think about what you want, if you want to spend time with your pils then do it because it sounds like whatever you do you’re in the wrong with them so you may as well just do what you like
And also the bingo game sounds good

‘Killing with kindness’ kind of just comes across as being a doormat/desperate for approval. Dicks like this need put in their place, laughed at, dismissed. Your husband needs to deal with it, it’s his relative and their spouse.

Do you get on very well with FIL? If you want to be there for him then definitely go. Blank sil and bil as much as possible. Just keep well away. Keep your head held high and do not shy away from chatting to others and enjoying yourself.

If you don’t ‘love’ your FIL then just stay home and enjoy the peace

Good luck 🤞

I got this with my inlaws. Bil was the prodigal son and dh is a bit of a black sheep. Sil is very glamorous and I have always been quite casual. We're different people. They stay in contact with the other side of the family and meet up all the time. Ours was excluded from many events for years. The kids were confused at first but see them as they are now and,are no longer interested .

I just tend to grit my teeth through things but stay polite but am happy with minimal contact. I decided there was nothing I could do to make them warm to me and it was really affecting me trying. You could be the Lord Jesus Christ snd they'd stll find fault with you

They sound vile! Could you not speak to your husband and get him to talk to them?

They sound horrible, but it sounds to me like you are getting too involved. Why does it need 4 of you to collect a cake? It's not a fun activity, it's a chore, why would you even consider getting involved? Was BIL actually being horrible when he said you were not needed, or was it just a statement of fact?
Maybe SiL was annoyed that you let the puppy get wet - it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but it clearly was to her.
The present thing sounds rude, but like someone else said, just stick a tenner in a card and leave it at that. Some people ( my usually lovely SiL is one) are just very blunt and like to have everything perfect as they see it. They really would rather have money as a present rather than something didn't want or ask for. I still find it rude, but try to focus on the good bits.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would try to disengage. Don't offer help, don't be more than civil, don't buy expensive presents. Let your DH manage his relationship with his siblings. There are patterns of behaviour which go back years, probably to when they were children.
If you like your FiL, spend the time with him, and let the others run around collecting whatever needs collecting. They've said they don't need your help, leave it at that.
It does sound as if you are judging them tbh, maybe rightly so, but maybe that comes across to them.
Best just to keep your distance, make sure you are polite, and then have very little to do with them. You don't have to like them. You don't even have to talk them other than hello and goodbye. All you really need to do is make sure FiL has a nice day.

I agree with @DelphiniumBlue

I stay with FIL and spoil him or chat with him etc…The only way with these people is avoidance.

I wouldn't collect the cake but I would get your dh to say Redandgreenjaguar is chilling out before the catch up later.
Make it clear that you're enjoying not collecting the cake, your time is more valuable.
And when you do have to be with them act like they don't exist.

They are unimportant to you.
If they weren't family you wouldn't mix with them, other than a few wider family functions you are not obligated to mix with them. So don't.