WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll ·
17/08/2021 23:54
Sorry, this will be a long one, but I have something of a dilemma wrt a gravestone. I didn't like to 'crash' the bereavement topic, as it's a more pragmatic situation rather than an emotional/supportive one.
Note: all names have been changed and a few immaterial details obscured/amended.
My elderly family member (Mavis) died late last year and, as the standard ‘settling’ time for the grave is now approaching, at some point soon, I need (and want) to arrange for the grave inscription to include her. However, I don’t know the best way to go about it and I wondered if you lovely MNers might be able to make any wise suggestions and give your opinions on how you think I should proceed.
Sadly, Mavis had a daughter (Laura) who died when she was very young. Laura was buried in what would become the ‘family’ plot and her parents (Mavis and her DH Albert) arranged for a very heavy and ornate headstone and surround, paying loving tribute to her, in the style of the time.
Several decades later, Albert died. Laura’s grave stonework had sadly crumbled, become all broken up and was far beyond repair/re-use. All of the pieces had to be completely removed and taken away to be disposed of, to enable Albert to be buried in the grave, as organised by Mavis.
Mavis arranged for a (very different – much more contemporary-style) new replacement headstone to be installed (with no surround), in due course following Albert’s burial. She added several lines of kind words in tribute to Albert and put a brief summary of the family names and relationships, which means that her name is actually mentioned twice on there. The only problem is that she didn’t leave any space on the new stone for the acknowledgement of her own death and burial in the grave, nor obviously her birth and death dates. The whole of the stone itself is filled up with writing (and a meaningful symbol at the top), but it sits upon a blank plinth of the same colour.
Mavis and Albert also had another DD (Emily), who predeceased them both, but she did grow up, marry and have children herself (adult, both still living), and she is buried in a separate grave, together with her own DH, who also died not too long after her.
Anyway, the writing on the gravestone is the equivalent of what follows:
LAURA JOHNSON
(Laura’s dates)
Much loved daughter of
Mavis and Albert Johnson
Also ALBERT
(Albert’s dates)
Loving father to Laura
Cherished husband of Mavis
(a few lines of personal tribute to Albert)
Also loving father
to the late Emily
Now, in an ideal world, she would have left enough space on the bottom for her own details to be added when the time came, and I would then have no need to be asking this at all, but for whatever reasons, she didn’t do that. Maybe she didn’t want to think about it (she was very reluctant to make a will, even at an advanced age, as she thought that doing so would tempt fate and she would die soon after as a direct result of having made the will). Maybe she thought it unnecessary, as she is already mentioned on there and didn’t want any ‘fuss’, but I would like her presence there to be acknowledged and her dates to appear as well. I also believe that, as well as primarily for the family, as time passes, grave inscriptions are also there as a mark in history and I want it to be accurate, for future generations of cemetery-visitors to see. She did have some MH issues, but she was also very astute and I certainly don’t believe that she just didn’t think about it.
As I see it, I have six options:
A: Leave the stone exactly as it is – no acknowledgment of the fact of her passing or her dates
B: Add her name and dates on the plinth – seems quite disrespectful, as if she’s an afterthought and obviously no room for a similar amount of personal tributes as for Albert
C: Add her name, dates and lines of tribute on the back of the stone – again, seems disrespectful and separates her from her DH and DD - and easily goes unnoticed/forgotten, as people don't expect writing on the back
D: Add a second stone in a similar style, to sit alongside the other one – seems unbalanced with three names on the left and just one on the right, and would probably look awkward and a bit overwrought
E: Add a stone ‘accessory’ in the same colour, such as a substantial square flower holder/urn, with her name and dates on – again, seems a bit divisive and ‘separates’ her from her DH and young DD
F: Replace the whole stone with a bigger one in the same colour and style and copy all of the existing wording, but with her name, dates and similar-length tributes at the bottom – this seems the obvious solution, but part of me feels that the stone has already had to be replaced once and this is the exact replacement she chose herself after being widowed (and her renewed tribute to her DD) and hasn't been there all that long; plus (and this might be a slightly weird thing to ponder), what would happen with the existing stone that she lovingly chose and had specially commissioned? Would it just be destroyed or thrown out?
Or G: Something else???
All suggestions and thoughts greatly appreciated. She lived to a fine old age and we weren’t immensely close, so I’m sad but not grief-stricken; but I really want to find the most practical solution to provide the most appropriate memorial and tribute to a much-loved lady. Feel free to give a lengthy considered opinion, just say the above letter of what you would do or anything else/in between!
Many thanks in advance to anybody who is still reading – sorry it was so long.