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Original poster

Have you ever grieved 'well'?

55 replies

BettyCarver · 15/08/2021 22:34

I'm not sure I ever have. By grieving 'well' I suppose I mean, do you feel you've processed the range of emotions that come with loss in a healthy way? If you have, how long did the grief process take, or is it ongoing, and how do you feel now?

OP posts:

MuchasSmoochas · 15/08/2021 22:41

Yes I have. Had 4 months from diagnosis to death with my dad 10 years ago. Was broken hearted but still felt so lucky to have had him for nearly 40 years, grateful I was with him at the end. Was back at work 2 weeks later, still a bit weepish but everyone was so kind. He got to say his goodbyes and sort his affairs out. Could have been a lot worse. Am catholic, although not a believer, but I do find the catholic death culture quite healing. I think there’s something about a wake which helps you accept. But everyone is feeling different. Hope you are ok OP

Original poster

BettyCarver · 15/08/2021 22:46

Thank you @MuchasSmoochas. I'm ok; I haven't lost anyone close to me recently but I do sometimes feel I haven't come to terms with losses from the past.

OP posts:

RefuseTheLies · 15/08/2021 22:46

My brother died suddenly 10 years ago in less than pleasant circumstances. I'm still not really able to process it fully.

My mum also died unexpectedly 5 years ago. It was a terrible shock and I miss her so much, but I was able to grieve her and move on because I had no unfinished business with her - I knew she loved me, and she knew I loved her too. We had a great relationship and there was nothing left unsaid.

catinboots21 · 15/08/2021 22:47

@MuchasSmoochas

although not a believer, but I do find the catholic death culture quite healing

My dad died two months ago Muchas and I've really been struggling but I whole heartedly agree with this

TSSDNCOP · 15/08/2021 22:50

No. I bury feelings. Never process and address them. I sit with the dead and talk to them, then I never speak of it. My mother for instance doesn't know I sat with my dad.

I always thought that was a good thing. Meant I could function for other people who I felt had more right to the grief.

I suspect I am a counsellors dream.

alphabeticalabc · 15/08/2021 22:53

I grieved not too badly, but was very dosed up on diazepam for the first 2 weeks.
It helped just getting full nights sleep I think.
I've grieved before and not slept properly for 6 months or so.
I was still devastated obviously, but it took the edge off and I could think more clearly.

Ragwort · 15/08/2021 22:54

Yes, my DF died recently in his 90s, it was fairly peaceful and he died at home (I was with him as he died), we were spared the difficult decisions of whether he needed to go into residential care etc. He'd had a very happy life (as far as I could tell, you can never know someone's innermost thoughts I suppose) and 30 wonderful years of retirement... we knew he wasn't going to get better so I am just grateful that at my age (60+) I still had my DF and the end was so peaceful... I also have a strong faith which really helps me.

Original poster

BettyCarver · 15/08/2021 22:54

@RefuseTheLies interesting what you say about not having any 'unfinished business.' Makes a lot of sense, that even if a death is unexpected, if everything has been said that needs to be said, it eases the grieving process

OP posts:

Charley50 · 15/08/2021 22:56

Yes. My very close sibling died when we were both in our twenties. He took his own life. It was incredibly traumatic and had an enormous impact in the first few years, although I still got on with my life, although not fully functioning. After around 10 years I began to come to terms with it. Now I don't feel anymore that his death has defined me. I still cry if I hear certain songs, or read his letters etc, but I can appreciate why he felt the need to do what he did, and still love him but have absorbed his death as part of his / my life. I still have pictures of him up, and occasionally read things he has wrote to me, or his school reports, diaries etc, and have a good cry. But that's fine.

MuchasSmoochas · 15/08/2021 23:00

Sorry to hear that @Charley50. I lost a close friend to suicide 2 years ago and it was brutal. Very different to an older person dying. 💐

Charley50 · 15/08/2021 23:01

Just to add to the above, my mum died at a very elderly age. She was religious and I think she honestly believed she will see my sibling (her child, who took his own life) when she died, which of course was a comfort to her as her health failed. I felt she was physically and mentally ready to go, and haven't grieved too much for her tbh. I have photos and some of her stuff around me, and lots of memories that I'm fond of.

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 15/08/2021 23:02

I think I’ve grieved well and badly at different times.
My first miscarriage, - I grieved so badly, it took ages and traumatised me, it pretty much broke me, tbh. By comparison my dad died suddenly and the initial devastation was pretty horrific. I remember the first maybe 6 weeks it got worse and then I started to gradually ‘move through it’, with hindsight, in a fairly healthy way. Still took the guts of 2 years to process. Looking back there are stark differences between the 2 episodes.

charley50 · 15/08/2021 23:03

@MuchasSmoochas

Sorry to hear that *@Charley50*. I lost a close friend to suicide 2 years ago and it was brutal. Very different to an older person dying. 💐

Thanks 🙏🏼. It was absolutely brutal, but the pain does fade.

PinniGig · 15/08/2021 23:10

@TSSDNCOP

No. I bury feelings. Never process and address them. I sit with the dead and talk to them, then I never speak of it. My mother for instance doesn't know I sat with my dad.

I always thought that was a good thing. Meant I could function for other people who I felt had more right to the grief.

I suspect I am a counsellors dream.

I am exactly the same. Tend to just go into a default mode which to the untrained eye and probably most people is akin to being a cold, heartless soulless bastard but it's just an inbuilt thing I do.

For me personally the loss of my dogs I find the hardest to deal with. I grieved harder when my last dog died than when I lost a parent to cancer. Again people can't always grasp why that is and I can't answer nor explain it either.

I do have an absolute strong personal, spiritual belief in an afterlife and genuinely feel we will all catch with up those loved and lost one day.

TSSDNCOP · 15/08/2021 23:18

Ah yes @PinniGig, utterly devastated by death of my pets.

I'm not sure about the afterlife, although I would never wish to offend someone in their belief in that.

I am always confounded by the way one minute we are, and then the next we are not. You leave a death bed and the outside world is continuing without missing a beat.

AugustRose · 15/08/2021 23:30

It's coming up to 3 years since my dad died but I think I processed his death fairly quickly - although I wish he was still here. From actual diagnosis to him dying it was only 5 weeks (with hindsight he had been poorly for a while but didn't say), I was fortunate to be able to spend time with him one on one for more than a day for the first time in my life (I am the youngest of 3 and moved away 19 years ago) and even though it was hard, and he was in pain, I am grateful for it. My stepmum died the year before and I know he missed her terribly, he had been hiding his pain while looking after her and I didn't want him to continue in pain. However, my brother took his death very badly and I don't think he has accepted it yet, some of this comes from guilt even though he has nothing to feel guilty for. I think he feels he should have known earlier that something was wrong as he saw him more often.

I think my own grief was 'easier' (not the right term really) because 12 years ago our baby died at full term and it was the most devastating thing to happen in my life. His death took me a lot longer to process and accept and still causes me immense pain when I consider the lives of my other children and what he/we missed. I spent many days on autopilot telling people I was fine when I absolutely was not but there isn't really anything someone can do to ease that grief.

Ginger1982 · 15/08/2021 23:33

Yes, my dad died 25 years ago when I was 13. My life is very much 'before' and 'after' but as 'after' has been so much longer it has just become part of who I am. Yes, I miss him at special times but I've accepted it and feel I've moved on with my life well.

Original poster

BettyCarver · 15/08/2021 23:35

@AugustRose I'm so sorry, that must have been truly devastating

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 15/08/2021 23:40

Nope, grieving is unpredictable, uncontrollable and unpleasant.

I have a child born with a rare genetic condition (diagnosed at birth) and I'm still dealing with the grief of that several years on.

My mum dropped dead 11 months ago and I can't foresee a time I'm ever going to not grieve for her 💔

LittleOverWhelmed · 15/08/2021 23:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Davros · 16/08/2021 00:03

I find the Catholic and Jewish "death culture" very cold. They're both very formulaic with most things set out. That might help people who are grieving as they don't have to worry about what they are supposed to do but I find it quite distant. My Dad died suddenly many years ago, we had a Humanist funeral as he was not religious, it was very personal and warm. I got on so well with him, we were great pals, but I felt ok because there weren't unresolved issues, I just wish he had lived much longer

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/08/2021 06:41

I think Ive done ok with my dad. He was ill and we knew it was coming. I find well meaning people say that doesnt make it easier. To those people I say yes it does. I've been a girl guide for most of my life and Im very good at being prepared.

I feel that Ive cheated though. I listen to griefcast which is people who have done the work expressing what they went through and me tjinking oh yes thats how I feel too.

Duckypoohs · 16/08/2021 06:49

I think I grieved for my dad well, I was 15 when he died, he had a good funeral. I was obviously traumatised but felt that I got through it OK. My Mum not so much, I had babies by then and returned home after the funeral to just exdp and the kids. I no one to talk to, just had to get on with it, my siblings were shitty. It was awful, I was pretty much suicidal for a long time.

Random789 · 16/08/2021 06:51

I went to an aunt's funeral several months ago and it made me realise that every funeral I attend now for the rest of my life will be about the death of my son, at whose funeral I couldn't grieve, at whose funeral I just felt numb and confused.

Because my aunt's death was less raw, I could approach the sadness of it and feel the sadness of it.

I understand now that when we arrange a funeral we are arranging it for every guest who attends and who has lost someone, so that they can make one more sidelong pass at their grief.

Duckypoohs · 16/08/2021 06:54

My Dad died of a sudden heart attack, him and my mum were recently separated. My Mum died of cancer, there was 3 weeks between diagnosis and death, I was there when she died which has fucked me up ever since, I never wanted to be there, it was peaceful enough, she was unconscious and not in pain but fucking hell I was basically forced to be there by my siblings.

Tbh to this date have never talked about anything important irl. It's shit.

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