Have you ever grieved 'well'?

[BettyCarver]

I'm not sure I ever have. By grieving 'well' I suppose I mean, do you feel you've processed the range of emotions that come with loss in a healthy way? If you have, how long did the grief process take, or is it ongoing, and how do you feel now?

@RefuseTheLies my mum died suddenly around 9 weeks ago. We were very close, I have 2 small DCs who won't remember her. It's been so painful lately I'm not sure how I'm continuing to work and look after the DCs if I'm honest. We also had nothing unsaid although it was sudden and too soon.
Im wondering if you have anything that helped you through it except just time?
@Crunchymum hope you're ok this morning. X

I lost my sister to an accident in my early 20s. We had a good relationship which I think made the grief uncomplicated. Spent the first two weeks at my parents house talking of nothing else, lots of people visited. Went through photographs etc. Then I went back to my life at the time and grieved intermittently but intensely for a good year. Cried a lot. Read a lot of poems and books about death and grief. Associated the songs of the time with her sending me messages. Talked to people who had lost people. Sobbed on my housemates shoulder.

I think the feelings can still be as strong and I am glad about that (wouldn’t want to not be sad about it or have moved on completely) but they have come in less frequent waves as time goes on. We still talk about her in happy ways and have lots of photos around in the family. I suppose you get used to having the loss as part of your life.

It is awful and unfair and doesn’t stop being that but yes I guess I have accepted, or absorbed the truth of it and life is not defined by it so much any more as someone wrote above.

It has been harder for my parents. Firstly losing a child and secondly their relationship was more rocky with her.

As Ransom789 says, I have heard that you only have one grief. The first big loss is the start of the process. I have found losses after my sister easier to bear somehow. And, yes the funerals bring back that grief as well as sadness about the new loss. Maybe in part it is about accepting your own mortality. I think I did feel that it could have been me even though I was nowhere near the accident just because we had always been a pair.

When big things happen I always have a chat with her and I kind of imagine my life as moving towards the end when I will see her again. But not yet as I have the rest of my life to live out for both of us.

No, I don't think I grieve well at all. I just don't think or talk about the cause of the grief. I lost a close friend 2 years ago and a young (adult) relative 4 years, both unexpectedly, and I still can't talk about it. Even typing this has me in tears. Predating those events, with losses of grandparents and other members of family, pets - certain relationships even - I just have to put it to the back of my mind and forget about it all as much as I can.

Barely grieved my father as he had had a great life and was ready to go (told us so repeatedly!). He was very ill and ultimately had a 'good death' and was loved and cared for well at the end.

Losing a baby near term in traumatic circumstances took years to recover from though and ultimately has affected my mental and physical health sadly.

I probably would not use the same expression, but for both my grandmothers I felt able to remember and celebrate all they did in their long lives and still to this day think of what they brought to my life which I hope in some way I reciprocated.

I lost my dad a few weeks ago. He was unwell for a couple of months before and in that time I got to say everything I needed to, and in retrospect all that I needed to tell him was how much I loved him. When he died I was astounded at how there was nothing left of him in the vessel that was his body. I opened the window, I felt he was there but not in his body, and I firmly believe that we are spirits that for a while occupy a mortal vessel. And that the only thing that’s really really important, and that matters, and is real, is love.

@kittlesticks - thanks for thinking of me. I've managed to jump a few waves and I feel peaceful and relaxed.

Hope you are doing alright?

Dad died 3 months ago - thought I was doing ok, he was ready - his body couldn’t take anymore. My family were such a nightmare, after the funeral I went non contact with them. I developed anxiety attacks - I seem less able to cope with normal life stresses without my heart jumping out of my chest. It’s very hard to concentrate at work.

@kittlesticks

Im wondering if you have anything that helped you through it except just time?

I'm so sorry for your loss . I wish I did have something that helped, but it was just time and moving through the grief by allowing myself to really feel the depth of the loss. I had a 16 week old baby when my mum died, and I grieved hard for the loss of the gran / grandchild relationship, too (my mum was thrilled to finally become a gran and she would have been a totally fabulous one as well).

Having said that, I did have bereavement counselling too because I wanted to be open to accepting any help that was available. I was very, very lucky with the counsellor who was assigned to me. And I did some small things like had my mum's clothing made in to a teddy bear for my daughter, and had her hand print taken at the funeral home and made in to a charm for my little girl's bracelet.

Nine weeks in, you'll still be in shock though so please don't be hard on yourself or even think about anything other than getting through one day at a time. Just know that one day, the grief will not be so raw, and it will be ok (because we had great mums, right? And they would want that for us)

Once. When I lost my mum at 21 I was all over the place, ridden with guilt and 'what ifs'. I decided at that point that I needed to do better next time for my own mental health.

My beloved aunt who for all intents and purposes had always looked after me like a mum, died 10 years later. And that time I grieved well. Mainly because I was very sad but I had no regrets. And no guilt. She knew how much she meant to me, how much I loved her and I was there with her until the end (although she died suddenly of a heart attack - I was there for dinner the night before).

I'm not sure. I feel guilty because I don't feel I grieved.

My mum and best friend died last year. I miss my dad but he had a great life, I was him loads and he would have wanted to die when he did.

I cried a lot about my best friend - cried about what she will be missing out on, her plans for retirement etc. I really miss her every day but I haven't felt angry or any other of the named emotions in the grief cycle.

Is that bad ? Am I normal ?

Sorry Dad not mum.

*I was with him loads.

Really should proof read before hitting post.

I've absolutely no idea. I probably sob my heart out once a week. I also find myself lost in thought thinking about the last few days before he (Dad) died. I'm quite good at snapping myself out of it. I think that happens about once a week too, when I'm alone. Days before he died he said to me "promise me you won't be going round skriking about me" and I hang onto that.

He died just over a year ago.

@TSSDNCOP

No. I bury feelings. Never process and address them. I sit with the dead and talk to them, then I never speak of it. My mother for instance doesn't know I sat with my dad.

I always thought that was a good thing. Meant I could function for other people who I felt had more right to the grief.

I suspect I am a counsellors dream.

I suspect you're a counsellor's nightmare!

No, I really haven't grieved well my natural reaction is to bottle it all up and force myself onwards and upwards. My Mum died 3 years ago and from diagnosis to death it was 4 months. They were horrific months because she was so frightened and so poorly. I haven't processed it and can't really speak about it. I dream about her a lot so I know my subconscious is trying to deal with it.

Also, lost my brother very unexpectedly last year and, again, I've not dealt with it very well. Just suppressed it all.

@NotWanting
'I haven't felt angry or any other of the named emotions in the grief cycle.

Is that bad ? Am I normal ?'

You've verbalised how I feel... I don't know whether I'm feeling what I should feel. Or is there even a should?
When I hear people say they cry every day or miss the person they've lost every day, I feel guilty because I can't relate to that but at the same time I do know I've loved the person who's gone

@BettyCarver that sounds fine. And that’s how I feel about my Dad. The grief cycle is a theory, everyone is different.

@Crunchymum I'm really glad you've been jumping the waves.
I'm sorry for everyone's losses in this thread. I've found the bereavement thread on loss of a parent helpful so far, I'm sure anyone on that thread would welcome others over.
Wishing everyone all the best possible.

I suppose I'm grieving 'well' at the moment.

My dad died on Saturday morning. He had Huntington's disease. My mum and I had been grieving for several years, following his shock diagnosis - we had no idea the disease was in our family.

We haven't cried at all. We're just relieved that he's out of the clutches of something so utterly cruel.

to everyone

I don't know if I have grieved well. I feel like I'm just quite shallow. My husband took his own life 3.5 years ago, and I am... fine. In the early days I felt a piercing sense of liberation from caring for him and dealing with the illness. I cried, I was shocked, everything changed, but I was OK. I had a bit of trouble sleeping, but mostly noticed how nice it was to be sleeping alone and able to turn the light on and read or cough without disturbing anyone.

My dad died 18 months later, after a sudden illness that lasted a few weeks, and I was positively glad. He'd had a long life and had managed to stay independent almost to the end. I never have to worry about him again or give him money or stress about who he's managed to con this time.

So. It just seems that I don't love very deeply. I can't calmly contemplate the death of my son though.