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Original poster

Boys will be boys and strategic incompetence

61 replies

ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:19

I have two sons, now (just) adults.

I've tried very hard to bring them up to be decent people, respectful and useful. They are both more than capable of cleaning a house and cooking a meal, of organising themselves.

One has his first serious girlfriend and they're planning a holiday. When I say "they" I mean the girlfriend is planning a holiday with help from her mother. I spoke to mum yesterday, she called me to check some details while DS was at work. I apologised that DS hadn't been better at sorting this out and she was all "hahaha, it's just boys, I'm lucky I have girls". I know she was just being nice, but I don't want my boys to live in a world where this strategic incompetence is accepted, even celebrated. It's not funny, it's disgraceful.

If the girlfriend has been raised to accept it, and view it affectionately, all my efforts (which seem to have failed anyway) were for nothing.

It's very frustrating. Is it just this girlfriend and her mum or are there still loads of women treating this nonsense as normal? I feel like I should have given myself an easier life and just let boys be boys.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2021 07:30

She won't think she's lucky when her DDs are crying with frustration because their male partners expect them to do all the wifework though will she?

Although I suppose if your DS ends up marrying this woman and she has a sister, he'll be held up as one of the good ones because he does his share and the other DD will be screaming at her DH 'why can't you be more like BIL he cooks, gets up in the night, picks up his socks, buys presents for his family, organises holidays etc etc'.

But I agree that it's not funny or something to be celebrated. We all know that men are just as capable as women as doing things in the home, they manage to function and get on in life at work and in their leisure pursuits after all, just that some don't want to and know that if they leave it, a woman will do it for them.

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:38

Yes, that's what happening. He could do it, he knows he should do it, but he's happy to let these two women do it all for him and they seem pleased about that!

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:40

The mum even said "let's talk direct and cut him out, to make sure things are done right". He's a grown man and he's got someone else's mother treating him like a child.

OP posts:

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Families
Nitgel · 10/08/2021 07:42

How will they both learn if her mother is organising? Sounds weird from her side really...

ragged · 10/08/2021 07:44

Are you bossy, OP?
Maybe your lads are used to bossy persons in their lives who want things done their way & easiest thing is just to let them be the boss.

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:45

@ragged

Are you bossy, OP? Maybe your lads are used to bossy persons in their lives who want things done their way & easiest thing is just to let them be the boss.
This is a good point and there's probably some truth in it. What's the word for "bossy" as a male characteristic?
OP posts:
Arcminute · 10/08/2021 07:46

She’s a woman organising her own young adult daughter’s holiday, so I’m not sure her girls are as naturally independent and competent as she might think

Antsinyourpanta · 10/08/2021 07:47

DH is a workaholic and often works til late before we go on holiday. His contribution is chucking a few clothes in a bag at 11pm the night before.
If weve been abroad (or camping, or both) it's me that spent time packing, organising, sorting out passports , insurance,EHIC cards, foreign break down cover, driving licences, ferry bookings etc
DH once said (quite seriously) that he couldn't understand people who got stressed out about going on holiday because it only took 10 min to pack a bag.
Fast forward a few years when he was going on a lads trip abroad - the trauma and stress of having to sort out his own boarding card and insurance!Wink

GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 07:51

Don’t understand why GF’s mum is arranging the holiday though… and why it was her and not GF who called you (if anyone needed to).

Seems less about male incompetence and more about weird GF mother relationship.

To be fair to DS, it doesn’t sound like he’s been given the opportunity to clarify the information because they’ve come straight to you.

Itstheprinciple · 10/08/2021 07:52

The word is still bossy!

The girlfriend's mother needs to back off and let your DS have input into his holiday. He probably feels outnumbered.

GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 07:52

@ragged

Are you bossy, OP? Maybe your lads are used to bossy persons in their lives who want things done their way & easiest thing is just to let them be the boss.
Hilarious. Yes it’s your fault OP
Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:53

GF is a little bit younger, not quite 18 yet.

I agree mum seems too involved and I worry about that for DS too. It was information he'd been asked for previously and had failed to obtain though. They didn't come to me first.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:54

@Itstheprinciple

The word is still bossy!

The girlfriend's mother needs to back off and let your DS have input into his holiday. He probably feels outnumbered.

I don't think I've ever heard a man described as bossy?
OP posts:
ragged · 10/08/2021 07:55

bossy males are bossy people

you have pretty strong opinions about this situation, OP

I guess that answers my question

speaking as a diffident person myself

ragged · 10/08/2021 07:56

oh wait, now that I think about it, on MN, bossy males are called "controlling". Maybe that's the answer you wanted.

GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 07:58

Bossy men are described as assertive, natural leaders, etc etc. I’m sure we all know this.

ssd · 10/08/2021 08:00

His girlfriends mum thinks she's lucky having daughters. What she really means is she's lucky having a daughter who is used to her mum taking over and lets her away with it.

Galassia · 10/08/2021 08:00

Why can’t we accept that it’s usually the woman who organises stuff like this and are good at it? It doesn’t mean that men are fools or that women are domineering.

Men shine at other things that women don’t and vice versa.

Apeirogon · 10/08/2021 08:00

My mum always did the painting and decorating when I was growing up, and would have said that she brought me and my brother to be able to do the same. But no - we're both rubbish at it, and both our partners (his wife and my husband) are much better than us. My mum despairs!

I guess I'm saying that sometimes it's just personal preference, not a sexist thing. Some people enjoy planning holidays and others don't.

The gf's mum does sound a bit annoying though!

OldScrappyAndHungry · 10/08/2021 08:02

I totally sympathise with you OP, as a mum of two boys too. However I agree with others about GF’s mum - why’s she being so smug? It’s not her DD organising things it’s her! “I’m lucky I had daughters!” Hmm Daughters she could control she means? She sounds like an arse.

But I see this kind of ridiculous excuses for incompetence all the time with my girlfriends and their husbands. It’s nonsense. Thankfully my dh has never been like this so neither are my sons yet, but if they end up with a GF with a controlling mum they’re a bit stuffed Confused.

Beamur · 10/08/2021 08:04

I think you've got a point OP. You've tried to raise your son to be capable and yet here he is, barely into adulthood and already slacking off and leaving it to women to pick up the mental load. I'd be pretty unimpressed too.
Behaviour being enabled by other women and then you're being blamed on here possibly by other women for being too bossy and thus training your son only to respond to that.
Nice one. Get the women to do the lifting for the patriarchy all round eh?

Arcminute · 10/08/2021 08:05

@Galassia

Why can’t we accept that it’s usually the woman who organises stuff like this and are good at it? It doesn’t mean that men are fools or that women are domineering.

Men shine at other things that women don’t and vice versa.

Women shine at holiday-related admin Confused
MaMelon · 10/08/2021 08:06

If it helps you, I have a son who is very bossy and my DH can be very bossy (well, he tries). DS is 24, and he organises the holidays for him and his GF. He organised the last family holiday we went on a couple of years ago and he had our itinerary worked out to the minute - he was like a tour guide on speed, it was utterly exhausting. I lost the plot with him on Main St in Disney, it was not a magical experience. He's showing signs of organising our next family holiday but we've told him that he and his GF will be doing their own thing, DH and I are taking it easy.

He may also be a natural leader, it's too early in his career to tell, but he's certainly bossy and can be quite controlling at times. Bossy people are bossy - it matters not a jot whether they were born male or female.

DismantledKing · 10/08/2021 08:06

@Galassia

Why can’t we accept that it’s usually the woman who organises stuff like this and are good at it? It doesn’t mean that men are fools or that women are domineering.

Men shine at other things that women don’t and vice versa.

For fuck’s sake
GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 08:08

To clarify my earlier posts, I do agree with you OP. It’s disappointing that GF and her mum are coming to you for the information instead of asking DS again.

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