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Original poster

Boys will be boys and strategic incompetence

61 replies

ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:19

I have two sons, now (just) adults.

I've tried very hard to bring them up to be decent people, respectful and useful. They are both more than capable of cleaning a house and cooking a meal, of organising themselves.

One has his first serious girlfriend and they're planning a holiday. When I say "they" I mean the girlfriend is planning a holiday with help from her mother. I spoke to mum yesterday, she called me to check some details while DS was at work. I apologised that DS hadn't been better at sorting this out and she was all "hahaha, it's just boys, I'm lucky I have girls". I know she was just being nice, but I don't want my boys to live in a world where this strategic incompetence is accepted, even celebrated. It's not funny, it's disgraceful.

If the girlfriend has been raised to accept it, and view it affectionately, all my efforts (which seem to have failed anyway) were for nothing.

It's very frustrating. Is it just this girlfriend and her mum or are there still loads of women treating this nonsense as normal? I feel like I should have given myself an easier life and just let boys be boys.

OP posts:

SmallChairs · 10/08/2021 08:57

@Galassia

Why can’t we accept that it’s usually the woman who organises stuff like this and are good at it? It doesn’t mean that men are fools or that women are domineering.

Men shine at other things that women don’t and vice versa.

You get that there is no sex-based characteristic that makes one sex good at checking Airbnb, buying flights, packing etc, right? Any more than the possession of a vagina makes you a whizz at doing laundry.

BeetleyCarapace · 10/08/2021 09:03

Strategic incompetence can afflict both sexes. Many of my friends wouldn't think twice about 'getting a man in' when a tyre needs changing. Even though without exception they are all capable of dealing with it if they chose to. (Obligatory NAWALT, etc)

ErstwhileGoth · 10/08/2021 09:08

I hear you, OP.

My 22 yo son moved out earlier this year and in with a female friend. They share the household chores. She's moving out and in with her partner next month so he's moving to a smaller place on his own.

He's really looking forward to living alone and being responsible for all the household shit that comes with it. That's how he's been brought up and he's an adult so why wouldn't he? He's also planned an overseas road trip next year with a 3 day festival stop. All without the help of a woman...

But I find these attitudes are still prevalent. He went out with a woman a couple of years ago but stopped seeing her because she simultaneously wanted to constantly defer to him and let him make the decisions in their relationship but also treated/responded to him as a 'typically incompetent male' (complete with eye rolls and 'silly man, what would you do without me!' type comments) and patronising comments about him managing to do his own laundry etc which just became infuriating. This hasn't been his only experience of this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

coodawoodashooda · 10/08/2021 09:08

@ExpressDelivery

The mum even said "let's talk direct and cut him out, to make sure things are done right". He's a grown man and he's got someone else's mother treating him like a child.

I have 3 sons. That is infuriating.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/08/2021 09:11

I can guarantee that when DD is old enough to do these things, she'll forget most of what she's supposed to be doing. It's not sex based.

JonahofArk · 10/08/2021 09:18

When the mum called you to check some details what did you say?

Did you answer her questions or did you tell her to check with your son? Because if you did the former then you are complicit in this dynamic too.

And tell him to stop being so ridiculous. Maybe embarrassing him a bit would work here? In your shoes I don't think I would be able to help myself from taking the piss out of him about the fact that his girlfriend's mum is organising his life-might make him think twice.

Greenrubber · 10/08/2021 09:47

It is possible that the mum is just trying to help out her daughter as at that age she has probably not booked any holidays by herself!
They asked your son for the info and he has not given it to them yet so they contacted you because maybe he was at work? And it was just easier as they were booking things at the time?
I think you are over thinking this and it's a non issue
I also think although it's a little off topic parents of all boys or all girls seem to have some kind of issues with each other not in a competitive sort of way but a mum of only daughters making a comment about having only daughters seems to offend a mum of only boys and vice versa it isn't meant in a horrible way they just dont know and are brought up on stereotypes like boys will be boys etc

My MIL told me so many stories of people making comments about how she had 3 boys and how she must long for a girl etc there's are rude comments because you have what you have at the end of the day and that's life but she hated it and she felt she had to constantly defend her 3 boys!

Now she has 5 granddaughters and another girl on the way and she actually makes these same comments to all her DILs how she hopes we have a boy and we obviously can't carry boys, how girls are so screechy compared to boys etc she doesn't say it maliciously but we all find it really really annoying as you can imagine especially since she has the exact same done to her

So what I'm trying to say is don't take it personally I doubt its in anyway a dig at your sons capabilities and more of a lesson for her daughter

ssd · 10/08/2021 11:11

@JonahofArk

When the mum called you to check some details what did you say?

Did you answer her questions or did you tell her to check with your son? Because if you did the former then you are complicit in this dynamic too.

Thats nice. So you think his mum should be taking the piss out of him and his girlfriends mum should be thinking herself lucky as she doesn't have a boy???

I hope you don't have a son @JonahofArk

JonahofArk · 10/08/2021 11:37

@ssd yes, I would be taking the piss out of a grown man who is happy for his girlfriend's mum to organise his holiday.

As for his girlfriend's mum being lucky she doesn't have a boy-I didn't say anything of the sort so I'm not sure where you got that from.

ssd · 10/08/2021 11:44

[quote JonahofArk]@ssd yes, I would be taking the piss out of a grown man who is happy for his girlfriend's mum to organise his holiday.

As for his girlfriend's mum being lucky she doesn't have a boy-I didn't say anything of the sort so I'm not sure where you got that from. [/quote]
Maybe from reading the thread?!?

JonahofArk · 10/08/2021 11:53

@ssd so you're making an assumption about what I think based upon the rest of the thread?

I didn't say anything about anyone being lucky they don't have sons so perhaps you need to direct your comments about that elsewhere. I stand by my actual point in any case.

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