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Original poster

Boys will be boys and strategic incompetence

61 replies

ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 07:19

I have two sons, now (just) adults.

I've tried very hard to bring them up to be decent people, respectful and useful. They are both more than capable of cleaning a house and cooking a meal, of organising themselves.

One has his first serious girlfriend and they're planning a holiday. When I say "they" I mean the girlfriend is planning a holiday with help from her mother. I spoke to mum yesterday, she called me to check some details while DS was at work. I apologised that DS hadn't been better at sorting this out and she was all "hahaha, it's just boys, I'm lucky I have girls". I know she was just being nice, but I don't want my boys to live in a world where this strategic incompetence is accepted, even celebrated. It's not funny, it's disgraceful.

If the girlfriend has been raised to accept it, and view it affectionately, all my efforts (which seem to have failed anyway) were for nothing.

It's very frustrating. Is it just this girlfriend and her mum or are there still loads of women treating this nonsense as normal? I feel like I should have given myself an easier life and just let boys be boys.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 10/08/2021 08:08

If the daughter is under 18 isn’t she too young to actually book a holiday, I thought children couldn’t book holidays.

The lucky have girls comment is completely ignorant and sexist. If your son is capable and not lazy, he would have stepped in to be the main organiser and the one who books it etc, he’s chosen not to. Yes the mum may be a little overbearing, but your son is more than capable of turning down her offer to organise a holiday and do it himself.

However, if my child was going on holiday with a boyfriend I would like to have as much info as possible so I knew where they were staying etc, but I wouldn’t want a part in organising it, after all, if they’re not capable of organising a holiday would they cope if something went wrong etc.

MsTSwift · 10/08/2021 08:10

Currently on a holiday Dh pretty much arranged it himself. Normally I do it as I have more time but this year he has. I note the proximity to places he wants to cycle 😁 but I was booked into a gorgeous spa yesterday inc treatments he’d arranged so not complaining !

Antsinyourpanta · 10/08/2021 08:10

@Arcminute

Women shine at holiday-related admin

Dont women shine at all boring shit admin? Grin

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SimonJT · 10/08/2021 08:11

@Galassia

Why can’t we accept that it’s usually the woman who organises stuff like this and are good at it? It doesn’t mean that men are fools or that women are domineering.

Men shine at other things that women don’t and vice versa.

Oh dear.
Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 08:12

Yes, well that's a separate point. The parents seem very keen for their child to go on holiday with a grown man. I know she'll be fine with DS, but I'm not sure why they're so confident about that! It's a UK holiday, I don't think there's anything GF couldn't do.

Actually there are a few things making me uneasy about the whole situation, I've realised, but I'm trying to step back and let him be a grown up.

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 10/08/2021 08:15

In fairness your DS GF is 17, which does change the dynamics of her mum getting involved, although her other comment was out of order.

Flatdisco · 10/08/2021 08:15

@GemmaRuby

Bossy men are described as assertive, natural leaders, etc etc. I’m sure we all know this.
Yep I was going to say this.
Ducksurprise · 10/08/2021 08:16

. The parents seem very keen for their child to go on holiday with a grown man

How old is DS?

Arcminute · 10/08/2021 08:16

[quote Antsinyourpanta]@Arcminute

Women shine at holiday-related admin

Dont women shine at all boring shit admin? Grin[/quote]
Indeed, which is of course why the work is so highly valued and well paid. All those shiny women doing it

GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 08:16

You sound very sensible OP. If he’s old enough to go on holiday then he’s old enough to organise it without help from his mum and GF mum.

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 08:18

@Ducksurprise

. The parents seem very keen for their child to go on holiday with a grown man

How old is DS?

He's exactly 2 years older than her. Sorry, that sounded worse than it is.
OP posts:
franke · 10/08/2021 08:18

I agree with your broader point op but to be fair to your son, who I assume is a fairly young adult, it does sound as if the mother has taken over a bit. This is perhaps a bit intimidating given that it's his first real experience of dealing with 'inlaws' - he probably doesn't want to rock the boat. It's a problem if it sets a pattern for the future though.

SkyLarkDescending · 10/08/2021 08:19

I agree with you OP.

However...

What did you say when they contacted you? Did you defer back to DS? Or did you give them the information they need?

If he is an adult and you sorted this out for him isn't that enabling his 'incompetence?'

Wouldn't it be better for him to feel the natural consequences of this? His GF and her mum being annoyed at him, dealing with consequences of delayed booking? Etc

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 08:20

Yes, if I'm being generous, I can see why DS is leaving them to it. It's frustrating that they're letting him and that they find it cute.

OP posts:
AirEngland · 10/08/2021 08:20

It’s disappointing that GF and her mum are coming to you for the information instead of asking DS again.

How about DS not needing asking twice?

Ducksurprise · 10/08/2021 08:22

You did Grin I would have no problem with my 17 year old going on holiday with another teenager. However I would be slightly more interested in the logistics but I wouldn't be organising nor contacting you which is frankly weird.

DameCelia · 10/08/2021 08:23

@Galassia
Shock

Original poster
ExpressDelivery · 10/08/2021 08:23

Wouldn't it be better for him to feel the natural consequences of this? His GF and her mum being annoyed at him, dealing with consequences of delayed booking? Etc

Yes, maybe, but I don't think they would have been annoyed with him, they'd have seen me as unreasonable. It was something really very straightforward, he'd just "forgotten" and was uncontactable at work for 8 hours while they were wanting to get it done.

OP posts:
AirEngland · 10/08/2021 08:25

They might not find it cute though. Yes the mum used some stereotypes - but possibly it was just throwaway niceties in response to OP apologising for her son. She’s not likely to say “well actually it is a bit annoying - I’ve got other things I should be doing right now other than chase him…” is she?

Gertie75 · 10/08/2021 08:32

Have you mentioned it to your son? Yes he's an adult and you say you've raised him to be an independent man but it sounds like he's already falling into the stereotypes you describe.
He's never too old to be reminded it's not OK or cute to be unreliable.

ThePoint678 · 10/08/2021 08:46

Sweet mother of Jesus. I hear you OP. I hear you 100%.

I’m trying to train my males to be functional but it’s difficult when others happily let them off the hook. When I was away for work for a week (pre Covid obviously) and had toddlers the other toddler mums (not dads) and females in my family offered so much help to my husband that he could have easily gotten away without lifting a finger yet when he was away no one so much as offered me a hand lifting the buggy up the stairs! And when my son got into an argument with another boy at school his parents called to apologise and said “ahh it’s boys, isn’t it?!”

Ahh no. It’s not boys. Behave properly. Function properly. Stop this incompetent bullshit.

You should have said unfortunately it’s for your son to sort out and sorry you can’t assist. Let the girlfriend learn quickly how this works.

DismantledKing · 10/08/2021 08:48

This is an interesting companion thread to this one, where shit make behaviour is seen as cute and totally hilarious.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4317831-My-DH-almost-put-the-dishwasher-on

GemmaRuby · 10/08/2021 08:48

@AirEngland

It’s disappointing that GF and her mum are coming to you for the information instead of asking DS again.

How about DS not needing asking twice?

My full comment was that I agree with OP (that DS should have sorted it in the first place). But it is also disappointing that GF contacted OP instead of her own BF.
DismantledKing · 10/08/2021 08:48

*shit male behaviour

ssd · 10/08/2021 08:50

Ive no problem with a 19 yr old being unforgetful ,although it just sounds like he was going at his pace, working around his commitments, whilst the gf and mum were taking over. It's the mum I'd be more annoyed with, if shes making comments to you about how lucky she is to have girls, whats she saying to your ds about how unlucky you are???
If i were you id be speaking to your ds about him being equally as important as his gf and how he needs to step up and not let the gf mum take over. Although to most 19 yr old boys this will be a bit intimidating i guess.

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