Do you ever grieve a bit for your child free life?

[Babymeanswashing]

It’s weird as I don’t regret DD. Not one little bit. I’d never want a world where I didn’t have her.

But everything was so much easier. Just left the house without having to think about change of clothes and nappies and if it is going to interfere with a nap.

Sleep. Oh Jesus I am actually nearly in tears remembering what it was like to go to bed and sleep and get up … and I used to think I got tired!

The books I’d read and the way I could just watch telly!

I feel pretty shit admitting this, and shallow. If someone said to me now would you still have a baby I’d say yes, in a second. I really don’t regret her and my life is so much happier … it’s just so much more complicated too!

I’m guessing your daughter is still young, it gets easier they sleep more, have a lot less stuff that needs to be organised.

This time is fleeting.

All the time.

Yes occasionally I think, oh its a lovely evening it would be lovely to go out and sit in a pub garden or go for an evening walk or out for a meal but we can't.
It really is a fleeting "that's a shame", I wouldn't really call it grief or regret, just a wandering thought really.

I love my kids and I know it won't be long before I will be able to go out of an evening again and then I'll probably miss being up at night cuddling the babies 🤷‍♀️

That’s what I keep telling myself @CheeseyMcCheeseface - she’s 8 and a half months. I think I read MN too much, all I can see is how she won’t sleep through the night until she’s four or five and I know even then worst case scenario 2016 doesn’t seem that long ago. So it will end. But I feel in the thick of it a bit.

Yes definitely. I’m much happier now and like you I can’t imagine a life without my children. I adore them. But yeah, so many things were so much easier before they came along and I do miss that simpler life and freedom to do as I please sometimes!

Absolutely. I adore my daughter and wouldn’t be without her but I do look back wistfully on my days of freedom and realise how little I appreciated them.

Daily. Don’t feel shit and shallow. It’s perfectly normal and reasonable to admit that, in some aspects, the life you have now is not as easy or enjoyable as the life you had previously.

Yes.

I love my kids, but to have a day of my pre-mum life would be awesome. Not just the chores and work but also the lack of responsibility/thinking about them. I can put my children into childcare but I can never switch that bit of my brain off. And I’d miss them crazily.

Yes of course - totally normal to think back as you describe.

ALL. THE. TIME.

I actually do regret the TIMING of my children - I had my first at 26 and in the process threw a grenade at both my career and my late twenties as a whole. Second was at 30, which on reflection was when I would have had my first in an ideal world!

Yes to a day of my pre mum life!

And to think how I used to complain I think now … I had days, weeks sometimes, where I could watch box sets and sleep and I used to get bored and lonely!

Yes although ds is 9 now so I'm getting a lot of those things back.
I think it's a perfectly normal feeling to have and doesn't indicate a lack of love for your dc.

I look at child free friends and think how easy their lives are in comparison. I had no clue. I feel like I've been beaten black and blue by my two today, both so boisterous and loud. I swear my toddler is having an effect on my ear drums. My eldest is 6 and he's great company now but the pair of them together are so noisy. When I'm driving, I'm a nervous wreck as they are so distracting. Love them to bits but the baby and toddler years are full on!!!

Yes I do. Sometimes a lot. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love my DD (and I’m pregnant with a second) but I’ve been tired for about 4 years now. Holidays aren’t really holidays either. I remember looking at a picture of a beautiful hotel and crying because I felt like I’d never get to experience the peace and tranquility of somewhere that beautiful again. I know that’s not necessarily true but I do miss the freedom.

I think if we had any family support I’d feel different - people who have childcare and babysitting on tap must be able to at least access little glimpses of their baby free life! It’s very rare for us.

Of course!

It’s totally normal.

Loving your children doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly perfect or easy. Loving your children doesn’t even mean that you prefer you life now either - it’s totally possible to love the bones of your kids but strongly miss your life before and really look forward to more of your own freedom as they grow up.

I don’t think it’s selfish or shallow - it’s the reality of most people. We take on challenges and we give it our best, it doesn’t mean we love it every step of the way or that we don’t occasionally look backwards and think oh why did I start this fucking challenge because I’m knackered and grumpy and sick of it. I think there’s very few people who genuinely don’t miss the freedom of being child free. It doesn’t mean they want it back, it means they miss it.

Yes! When my DC were little I used to fantasise about living on my own in a small, clean, quiet flat. I think this is normal!

Only when one insists on me staying up to say goodnight until 1am and the other one wakes up at 8.30.

Everyone does don't they?

Of course you do when they’re that young. Daily drudgery of cooking, planning and tidying up had me retreating to my fantasy world of being child free and single. Now I wonder how I still managed to have so many. .

Please don’t use MN as any kind of barometer for reality. Much of it is people seeking advice because they have a problem to solve, like bad reviewers. You hear much less from the people where it’s fine.

Ahh so much. Just to be able to grab your handbag and leave the house and do literally whatever you want. Wouldn’t change my 2 boys for the world but I miss life being much more simple and only having to think about my own needs. Mine are 2 and 4 now so I’m quite embedded in this life now and not grieving it in a way I did when my eldest was a baby. I do feel it worse when I am ill and wish I could just take a day off work and stay in bed watching tv. Oh and not having crumbs and sticky fingerprints on everything would be nice.

Yes, daily. I'm definitely finding parenting harder than ever right now. Mine are currently 4 and 7. If I'm totally honest with myself, whilst I love them to bits, I don't enjoy any of it. However I know (hope!) this will pass.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

Only when one insists on me staying up to say goodnight until 1am and the other one wakes up at 8.30.

That must be a typo. 7.5hrs of sleep sounds like the dream!

On holiday at the moment. I’d just like an hour a day to read a book in the sun.

@golddustwomen

Yes, daily. I'm definitely finding parenting harder than ever right now. Mine are currently 4 and 7. If I'm totally honest with myself, whilst I love them to bits, I don't enjoy any of it. However I know (hope!) this will pass.

Oh god. You’ve just dashed the hopes if anyone hoping it gets easier after the toddler phase.

I guess all kids are different though. My 5 year old is turning out to be wonderful company on this holiday. Their younger sibling on the other hand…

I understand OP. My toddler is still not sleeping through the night. I am working full time and I feel and look like shit. I am a shell of my former self really and I cry almost everyday about how bad a job I am doing at everything.

But I love my daughter more than anyone and anything. I’ve concluded that motherhood just comes at great personal cost.

Yes. But mine are young adults now and I have my life back. Remember that when you feel sad about the passing years. It is WAY better when they get older!