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Original poster

Is a lie still wrong even after 2 years

74 replies

Crazyforyooo · 08/08/2021 08:32

I've been with my DP for 2 years, When we first got together we didn't really discuss our previous relationships and neither of us wanted anything serious. We saw each other regularly and after a couple of weeks DP said those 3 little words and our relationship became serious or so I thought.
About 6 weeks into our relationship DP had bookee to go on holiday to a friends wedding abroad, he told me he was going on his own but was a bit cagey about flight details etc but I didn't think anything of it at the time.
Forward 2 years and I've just found out he went on holiday with an ex, i knew they had a couple of dates but it transpires they were a bit more than this. I get that what he did before me is irrelevant its what happened when we were in a fledgling relationship that bothers me.
He said they had separate rooms etc, its the lying I hate. He's also said he didn't tell me at the time because we weren't serious, he didn't want to get hurt etc. He's had plenty of opportunity to tell me before I found out from a mutual friend. Now I'm cross and hurt and he doesn't get it says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill it was two years ago... Not apologised, just made excuses and I still don't know the full story.
Sorry for rambling I'm just a bit lost. Its also not the first thing he wasn't honest about but again that was at the beginning. These days he treats me really well but there's always that underlying niggle in my head.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 08/08/2021 08:34

And that underlying niggle will never go away. I’m going to assume you don’t trust him because of it ?
Do you have any reason to think he has cheated while you’ve been together ?

trevorandsimon · 08/08/2021 08:39

Separate rooms, my arse. Tell him to show you the booking email to prove that. Hes definitely lying about that, trying to minimise.

Hekatestorch · 08/08/2021 08:40

Depends on the situation.

Was it a wedding and they just travelled out together as that's what they arranged to do.

Or did they go as a couple? Or was the wedding not real?

I mean, personally, I think he should have just be honest at the start. I wouldn't be happy, in your shoes. But alot would depend on how he was in the majority of the relationship.

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Farwest · 08/08/2021 08:40

If he had told you - explicitly agreed - that you were exclusive, in a relationship that you both wanted to be longterm, and then he lied and went on holiday with his ex --- yeah, that would bother me.

But I wouldn't expect that to be the case after just 6 weeks. I suspect he was lying when he said he loved you after 2 weeks. You jumped in very, very fast.

What were the other lies?

Relationships are built on trust. Yours wasn't.

PomegranateQueen · 08/08/2021 08:40

He didn't think the relationship was 'serious' yet he felt able to tell you he loved you? Hmm

I'm sorry to say that I think he is still lying to you, they would have shared a room.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2021 08:43

Actually I’m on the fence, it was six weeks in and a friends wedding, so clearly planned before you even met him, it’s a bit mad to be saying I love you after two weeks and thinking the relationship is serious. You were virtual strangers.

I can see why he still went with her to the wedding and I can also see why he didn’t tell you. Annoying but I’d give this one a pass.

ShippingNews · 08/08/2021 08:44

If he told you he loved you after a few weeks, then the relationship was surely serious and exclusive at that point. If this holiday was as innocent as he now says, separate rooms etc, why didn't he just tell you at the time ? Hmmm I wouldn't believe a word he said.

emanresua · 08/08/2021 08:49

My ex did something very similar. It was the tip of the iceberg. Over the following three years more, and more, and more lies came out.

spotcheck · 08/08/2021 08:50

Whether he has the 'right' to go on holiday with his ex/ if he owed you transparency - all that is just semantics.

His behaviour is slippery as hell. He's trying to worm his way out of this on a technicality. I bet he does that sort of thing a lot?
This is not the behaviour of a man with a working moral compass.
In my experience there is no peace with men like that.

spotcheck · 08/08/2021 08:51

And actually. He may not have ' owed you' the truth at the time, but he did owe it to you after.

Milomonster · 08/08/2021 09:21

Yes this would bother me after two years - it could have made a material differences to how the relationship went had he told you.

Motnight · 08/08/2021 09:23

He knew his behaviour was dodgy, otherwise he would have told you at the time, Op.

My guess is that this set of lies is just the tip of the iceberg.

Doyoumind · 08/08/2021 09:30

No way were they in separate beds. Telling you he loved you so soon was weird and I wonder if it was so he could get away with going away with his 'ex' unquestioned. I wouldn't trust him.

spongedod · 08/08/2021 09:33

I don't tolerate lies so that would be the end for me. There is no trust. I ended my first marriage when I found out he had lied to me a few months later. The thing he lied about would not have been an issue had he told me at the time, but he didn't and when I found out it removed any trust I had in him and that was not fixable.

MarianneUnfaithful · 08/08/2021 09:42

I don’t like the fact that he is continuing the lie.
Mid he said ‘god, what an arse I was! I was too scared to tell you / was hedging my bets because we were so new / such an immature thing for me to have done / it was wrong and selfish and cowardly and it’s been in my conscience’ I would feel better about it.
Turning it on you and blaming you for ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ is not good. Not good at all.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2021 09:46

I would really struggle with this.There is no way they had separate rooms. It was the original booking with one room.

LittleFroggie · 08/08/2021 09:49

Are you certain there was a wedding? Was it a holiday with her?

Imissmoominmama · 08/08/2021 09:54

I did something dodgy at the very start of my relationship with DH. We’ve been married for 25 years now.

Do you want to punish him; leave him; make him tell all now, after two years? Would any of those outcomes make you feel better?

If not, you have to decide whether or not you can move forward without bringing it up. He won’t have told you because he doesn’t want it to affect your relationship. He’s with you, not her.

Of course, if you suspect there are more secrets throughout those two years, then it’s probably best that you cut your losses.

DahliaBlue · 08/08/2021 09:58

It was early days in the relationship. If everything is okay now, I would let this one go.

Original poster
Crazyforyooo · 08/08/2021 10:00

@MarianneUnfaithful

I don’t like the fact that he is continuing the lie. Mid he said ‘god, what an arse I was! I was too scared to tell you / was hedging my bets because we were so new / such an immature thing for me to have done / it was wrong and selfish and cowardly and it’s been in my conscience’ I would feel better about it. Turning it on you and blaming you for ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ is not good. Not good at all.
I totally agree if he had been honest with me when I called him on it and said all the above, I'd have still been pissed about it but I'd have listened and once I calmed down we could have moved on. once I'd gotten over my strop
OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyforyooo · 08/08/2021 10:08

It was definitely a wedding of a mutual friend they met previously on holiday. He has now told me they shared a room but twin beds (as I suspected) I would have accepted this as being ok and lived with it but he'd said he was definitely going on his own to meet friends out there. Wouldn't let me go to the airport etc didn't know flight times.
The other thing he told me when we first met was he couldn't take me home with him as he lived with housemates and it was against the rules. It transpired he lives with his ex he's known 16 years and their two kids I found this out eventually by accident and called him on it but we'd been together 3 months then. (they still currently live together but thats a whole other thread). I really liked him and accepted the reasons that he hadn't been honest.

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 08/08/2021 10:13

Does his ex know about you? Have you met his kids?

Doyoumind · 08/08/2021 10:13

OP you are being far too accommodating here. The 'whole other thread' is relevant. He's lied about significant things several times. Have you met his ex and kids?

Chikapu · 08/08/2021 10:16

He's a liar and will continue to lie if you accept his reasons for doing so, he knows he can get away with it.
At this point, I'd be wondering if the 'I love you' after two weeks wasn't also a lie.

daseychain · 08/08/2021 10:20

He lives with his ex and your main worry is a holiday?
Are you sure they've split up?

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