Should I check my 14 yr old DS' phone?

[Darkchocolateandcoffee]

I read somewhere that you should check your teen's phone, but it feels intrusive to me. He is happy, well adjusted, slightly shy, clever but not amazingly so (bottom of top set).

If I check it, what am I looking for? We have talked to him about grooming etc and I have zero suspicions that anything dodgy is going on - I just wondered if I was a crap mum for not checking his phone.

What if I find (eg) he's texing his mates saying he's gay, or that he fancies a girl, or something else that is not harmful and also none of my business?

I don't. I stopped looking at about 13/14 for the same reasons as you. I have open dialogue and mine aren't afraid to talk about various issues with me.
They know all the pitfalls and I THINK they'd come to me. I'm not reading their messages!

Oh I'm so glad you said that. I really don't want to pry. Thank you!

I do, but only because we made it clear to them up front that they were not their phones, they were being lent family phones, and they should not have an expectation of privacy with them. Essentially they are each just borrowing a phone to use.

What if he was being bullied, or was messaging that he was depressed, and hadn't told you? Or is on his phone in the middle of the night, not sleeping? Those are possible issues not just grooming.

SuperSecretSquirrels on that basis do you let your children look at your phone. If not Why does your right to privacy trump theirs.

@Zwellers

SuperSecretSquirrels on that basis do you let your children look at your phone. If not Why does your right to privacy trump theirs.

Yes I do.

But regardless of that, I am the adult, they are children. It is up to me to look out for their safety, not the other way around.

Have you set up any parental controls on his phone or are you just leaving it up to him to chose what he does online.

Would you leave him in a room with books with pictures of things like beheadings or other extreme violence or extreme porn? Personally I would t and that why I had as tight parental controls as possible set up on their phones and that why I would check their phones.

If you have apple phones it’s easy to set up parental controls that work pretty well. They aren’t foolproof but they are pretty good.
Teens are naturally curious and it’s very easy to end up seeing things they shouldn’t.
You can’t protect them completely. A friend could show them something on their phone that inappropriate and there isn’t much you can do about it.

I don't have a teenager but I was a teenager myself.

They're legally entitled at that age to privacy.

A 14 year old isn't really considered a kid anymore. They're a teenager approaching adulthood. They should have been taught morale throughout their life and want to follow the morale themselves. I believe that something somewhere has gone wrong if a 14 year old wont respectfully use their phone.

I believe that generally someone of that age has the capacity to have information given to them and make informed decisions. They can be taught appropriate behaviours in a way that makes them feel as though they're making the appropriate decisions themselves.

A parent has the responsibility to protect their child, but I don't believe that gives them the authority to invade their privacy.

Wookneecorn Absolutely. The idea that we have to be suspicious by default is awful...like the way some businesses in Australia look in everyone's bag or at their receipt as they leave the shop.

If you just assume your child is up to no good, then they know you don't trust them. That you have no regard for their judgement.

Don't check his 'phone, respect his privacy. It sounds as though you would be able to tell if he was in difficulty.

I know someone who still has a tracker on her 17 year old's phone. I mean...where's the line!?

Totally disagree with posters saying checking your young teen's phone is an invasion of their privacy.

Walking into their bedroom or into the bathroom while they're in there is an invasion of their privacy, and shouldn't be done unless you think they're ill or dying or something. Ditto, don't read their diary if they keep one.

Checking their phone is responsible parenting and potentially safeguarding them.

Some reasons why:- (this last is not exhaustive)
*Risk of being groomed
*Risk of child exploitation
*Risk of being a victim or perpetrator of online bullying
*Imagine a teen being sexually curious. Not a leap. They type some words into Google. Google finds images. Imagine those images include pictures your child may find alluring. Say you have a 14 Yr old. They find naked pics of other 14yr olds (ish). Those are the breasts and buttocks and other bits they're hoping to see. There's probably rumours circulating that other kids in their peer group have seen for real. Your child doesn't realise that's kiddie porn... it's their peer group age. Then they share that image...
*your child falls out with someone in their peer group. Happens all the time. There's an argument. Happens all the time. They'll probably make up next week. But currently, there's a spat. One thing if it's face to face, but this is virtual and there's a trace. There's name calling (perhaps on both sides). But your child brings xxx into it. Race, maybe or homophobic language. Something considered to be and recordable as a hate crime.
*your child has some half-baked theories and ideals. Based on whoknowswhat. Gleaned from whoknowswhere. They'll probably outgrow them. But currently, this is what they're going with. Do you want them espousing these views online? Hasn't this recently happened with the England cricket team?
*your child is self harming
*your child is confessing or disclosing secrets

This is NOT about not respecting their privacy. This is keeping your child safe.

Google ThinkYouKnow

All this x 1000 if you allow them on apps and sites which they are legally too young to be on or if they download these themselves without your knowledge.
Also, no phones in bedrooms at night.

@Rogue1001

Totally disagree with posters saying checking your young teen's phone is an invasion of their privacy.

Walking into their bedroom or into the bathroom while they're in there is an invasion of their privacy, and shouldn't be done unless you think they're ill or dying or something. Ditto, don't read their diary if they keep one.

Checking their phone is responsible parenting and potentially safeguarding them.

Some reasons why:- (this last is not exhaustive)
*Risk of being groomed
*Risk of child exploitation
*Risk of being a victim or perpetrator of online bullying
*Imagine a teen being sexually curious. Not a leap. They type some words into Google. Google finds images. Imagine those images include pictures your child may find alluring. Say you have a 14 Yr old. They find naked pics of other 14yr olds (ish). Those are the breasts and buttocks and other bits they're hoping to see. There's probably rumours circulating that other kids in their peer group have seen for real. Your child doesn't realise that's kiddie porn... it's their peer group age. Then they share that image...
*your child falls out with someone in their peer group. Happens all the time. There's an argument. Happens all the time. They'll probably make up next week. But currently, there's a spat. One thing if it's face to face, but this is virtual and there's a trace. There's name calling (perhaps on both sides). But your child brings xxx into it. Race, maybe or homophobic language. Something considered to be and recordable as a hate crime.
*your child has some half-baked theories and ideals. Based on whoknowswhat. Gleaned from whoknowswhere. They'll probably outgrow them. But currently, this is what they're going with. Do you want them espousing these views online? Hasn't this recently happened with the England cricket team?
*your child is self harming
*your child is confessing or disclosing secrets

This is NOT about not respecting their privacy. This is keeping your child safe.

Google ThinkYouKnow

All this x 1000 if you allow them on apps and sites which they are legally too young to be on or if they download these themselves without your knowledge.
Also, no phones in bedrooms at night.

Completely agree with this

Oh, and I forgot persuading other ch to share nudes/sharing nudes of themselves and forwarding those pics on.

Or online stalking or harressment

Also just to add it’s not necessarily about what ur teen is doing but what someone else might be doing to the via the phone

Trust your gut instincts.

@Zwellers

SuperSecretSquirrels on that basis do you let your children look at your phone. If not Why does your right to privacy trump theirs.

Because they are the adult who is legally responsible for the child?

@Zwellers

SuperSecretSquirrels on that basis do you let your children look at your phone. If not Why does your right to privacy trump theirs.

Are you serious? Do you think it’s the same thing?

Personally I would wait until they were 16 years old to give them freedom over their ‘own phone and internet use’. That is the age of consent and I wouldn’t want any of my kids getting themselves into situations they may regret, or i regretted that I could’ve prevented because I have turned a blind eye to their online activities. It’s not just porn or meeting paedos, it’s the stuff young men can get influenced by and get turned into angry misogynists.

There should be a tapering off as they get older but not completely abandoning them to the internet. At 14 there is a huge surge in hormones and emotions are all over the place. I see this all the time at work and with my own stepson, he went from perfectly sensible boy to what can only be described as an angry toddler in a mans body.

We did catch him with some pretty horrific stuff on his laptop and he was 13 at the time.

Unfortunately the other children in our family are going to have their phones monitored; at 16 they have their freedoms. IMO after they’ve sat their final GCSE.

I am a not checker, I think its an invasion of privacy and potentially futile. By 14 I expect them to be able to get round your snooping and that you encourage sneaky behaviour by not showing trust. We do set all parental controls on phones, internet etc to try and prevent the accidental wandering onto dodgy stuff (I"m not bonkers).

I rely on our relationship and talking to them to find out about their views/ behaviours/ fears etc.

BUT I am aware I am an outlier in this and totally see why others think knowing exactly what they are seeing and saying is how you keep them safe.

My daughter isn't of an age where this is applicable yet, but me and my partner have discussed. I intend to make it fully clear to my daughter that occasionally (every other month or so) I will check her phone without warning. Not to invade her privacy, but to keep her safe. I wouldn't read through her messages with family, friends etc. I would be looking for random, strange adults sending her messages, I would be looking at what apps she is using and her privacy settings on those, and the general content of what she is posting (I.e inappropriate pictures on Instagram). Before giving her a phone I would discuss with her the importance of privacy, coming across inappropriate images/videos, being careful about what she is putting out which can all be traced back to her and how to keep herself safe online. If there were no issues or concerns, I would check less and less. I would only be checking more often if I had a particular reason to be concerned or a dramatic change in her behaviour. Having worked in secure children's homes which specialise in girls with sexual exploitation issues, I think it's important to check phones, but to be upfront about what you are checking and why.

I have never checked any of my dc's phones. My dc have, I believe, never hesitate to tell me if there's been a problem re something they or someone else has sent.

I think the occasional check with no warning is best. Means things can't be hidden from you.

As a teacher I have seen the "other side" of things 14 yos get up to. Grooming, county lines, sending explicit texts, online bullying etc I would keep an eye on phone use.

I have had to make the most stressful phone call to a parent when their child threatened suicide whilst alone in their house at 14. He wrote it on a group chat that my son was in and I was the only parent with a contact number for his Mum. He had mental health issues which school were helping him with. That poor mother was a few doors down from her own home having a coffee with a friend.

Seeing those chat messages where 14 year olds scramble to help someone but don't know what to do is bone chilling.

So yes, I have checked phones/chat messages. My sons are now 18 and 15. I do occasionally check the 15 year olds. The police also advise you to check phones. This is not an invasion of privacy but an act of safeguarding. They are children who need guidance and an adult can provide it.

I like the idea of the children’s phones being ‘family phones’ and not their personal possessions. One of the reasons that I wouldn’t give a phone as a birthday or Christmas gift.

In terms of privacy and the right to have it. I honestly don’t know. If you haven’t asserted the right before I think it’s pretty unfair to suddenly start. My kids aren’t at the age to have phones yet but when it happens they’ll be rules right from the beginning and when those rules will fade I honestly don’t know. At 17 I was staying out without rules so I would say probably cut off around 16.