Should I check my 14 yr old DS' phone?

[Darkchocolateandcoffee]

I read somewhere that you should check your teen's phone, but it feels intrusive to me. He is happy, well adjusted, slightly shy, clever but not amazingly so (bottom of top set).

If I check it, what am I looking for? We have talked to him about grooming etc and I have zero suspicions that anything dodgy is going on - I just wondered if I was a crap mum for not checking his phone.

What if I find (eg) he's texing his mates saying he's gay, or that he fancies a girl, or something else that is not harmful and also none of my business?

I have worked with many teens who have made poor or in some cases tragic/ life altering choices using their phones and then there is the rest of the world. I have spent many hours of my professional life helping teens and parents after poor choices, exploitation, grooming etc etc and IMO all teens are vulnerable and at risk.

Teenagers need to be kept safe and am afraid part of that is checking their computer/ social media and cell phone. I would ask the teen and gauge their reaction and make a choice based on this. However, sensible, clever, shy, well adjusted boys sometimes make poor choices or have undesirable people chatting to them ….

I would also be looking in videos, images and internet history re any porn access ( it really is having an impact on young men and does need to be monitored).

I was an unpopular Mother at that age because I did check and this was not negotiable. I’ve met many parents who wanted to protect their child’s privacy, some of whom have been entirely oblivious when really bad stuff happened. A child’s privacy should be respected however the medium of the internet is not a private sphere, it means access to the world and the world can access the person. I chose to check and yep my work did influence me and there were a few difficult conversations in our household …. I advise parents to check, just as they would when their child goes out, to someone’s house etc… yes it is an ethical question of sorts but for me came under the I trust my child but I do not trust other people with my child….

If you are not prepared to check your child's phone you are leaving them open to abuse. Surely you want to safeguard your own child from potential harm?

@Rogue1001

Totally disagree with posters saying checking your young teen's phone is an invasion of their privacy.

Walking into their bedroom or into the bathroom while they're in there is an invasion of their privacy, and shouldn't be done unless you think they're ill or dying or something. Ditto, don't read their diary if they keep one.

Checking their phone is responsible parenting and potentially safeguarding them.

Some reasons why:- (this last is not exhaustive)
*Risk of being groomed
*Risk of child exploitation
*Risk of being a victim or perpetrator of online bullying
*Imagine a teen being sexually curious. Not a leap. They type some words into Google. Google finds images. Imagine those images include pictures your child may find alluring. Say you have a 14 Yr old. They find naked pics of other 14yr olds (ish). Those are the breasts and buttocks and other bits they're hoping to see. There's probably rumours circulating that other kids in their peer group have seen for real. Your child doesn't realise that's kiddie porn... it's their peer group age. Then they share that image...
*your child falls out with someone in their peer group. Happens all the time. There's an argument. Happens all the time. They'll probably make up next week. But currently, there's a spat. One thing if it's face to face, but this is virtual and there's a trace. There's name calling (perhaps on both sides). But your child brings xxx into it. Race, maybe or homophobic language. Something considered to be and recordable as a hate crime.
*your child has some half-baked theories and ideals. Based on whoknowswhat. Gleaned from whoknowswhere. They'll probably outgrow them. But currently, this is what they're going with. Do you want them espousing these views online? Hasn't this recently happened with the England cricket team?
*your child is self harming
*your child is confessing or disclosing secrets

This is NOT about not respecting their privacy. This is keeping your child safe.

Google ThinkYouKnow

All this x 1000 if you allow them on apps and sites which they are legally too young to be on or if they download these themselves without your knowledge.
Also, no phones in bedrooms at night.

I also completely agree with this.

I’d be annoyed at 14 if you suddenly started doing this. Have an open conversation with him that any worries he can talk to you and leave it al that. Unless you feel you need to check as he’s causing you concern leave him be

They're legally entitled at that age to privacy really?

I checked up until ds was 15 or 16,I can't quite remember. We were always clear that his phone could be checked and we were to have passwords.

I like the point a couple of posters have made...

The Internet isn't private.

So YOU may not see what they're looking at/posting/sharing, etc but the rest of the world can

Such interesting replies. A lot to think about. Thank you

I always told Dd from day 1 that I would reserve the right to check her phone and that I should always be given access to her passwords. She also had to have find my iPhone on with location settings. Her phone was set up to be an extension of mine, when she first had a online at 11.

The reality was I didn't check often as I didn't need to. However, it meant that if I'd had concerned it wouldn't have been going behind her back. She knew it was possible.

The supervision gradually waned over the years but at 13/14 I still retained that right to monitor her online use. She was still a child and I felt it was one of my parental responsibilities.

I tech online safety and I am a CEOP ambassador. I tell other parents to do the same, and teach much younger children about reasonable ways to,stay safe online. And it is recommended by all online safety providers. Therefore I followed the advice I taught.

And it isn't an invasion of privacy IMO. It is just taking responsibility as a parent for your child's online safety. It's the same as ensuring they are physically safe from harm - putting up some safeguarding boundaries to guide them.

I have a very good relationship with my Dd and always did. She told me pretty much everything, especially if there was a concern. However, there is no guarantee that they will always do that, especially if there is a problem. Being aware that an normal open child may not always tell you everything is a good thing to bear in mind.

Dd is 19y now and an adult so obviously this monitoring no longer applies and hasn't done for a long time. It was a gradual easing over the years.

Mind you, even now she chooses to leave find my iPhone on, I don't check it ordinarily but technically could. Only time it's used these days is to locate a mislaid device at her request, or if we are meeting her somewhere/some time and she tells us to use it to locate her more easily - she claims it easier than her trying to direct us. She has out find my iPhone on her device too.

I've never needed to check my dcs phones, not since they reached teens. Kids see them their diary now, and how many of us felt violated when our mums read our diaries? For safety, have one family account that all the phones are linked to and have open dialogues about what is an is not acceptable on line. If you are worried about something in particular and have reasonable cause to, then check their phones, but not as a matter of course.

To add, our family rule is that they have my password and I have theirs.

I will be checking my DDs phone as she grows and see 16 as the probable cutoff.
I find these kind of threads interesting because of the differences in people’s thoughts on teens being kids/adults.
I find on Mumsnet you get 18 years olds being talked about as ‘he’s still a child’ ‘their brains aren’t fully developed yet’ and then on the other end of the scale comments about 14yr olds being nearly adults!!
14 is a child, they do not have the life experience to deal with these difficult situations. They need guidance and sometimes and adult stepping in.
We talk about them needed clear, reinforced boundaries around behaviour in order to feel secure - this is one of those boundaries.

@Fiercestcalm

I have worked with many teens who have made poor or in some cases tragic/ life altering choices using their phones and then there is the rest of the world. I have spent many hours of my professional life helping teens and parents after poor choices, exploitation, grooming etc etc and IMO all teens are vulnerable and at risk.

Teenagers need to be kept safe and am afraid part of that is checking their computer/ social media and cell phone. I would ask the teen and gauge their reaction and make a choice based on this. However, sensible, clever, shy, well adjusted boys sometimes make poor choices or have undesirable people chatting to them ….

I would also be looking in videos, images and internet history re any porn access ( it really is having an impact on young men and does need to be monitored).

I was an unpopular Mother at that age because I did check and this was not negotiable. I’ve met many parents who wanted to protect their child’s privacy, some of whom have been entirely oblivious when really bad stuff happened. A child’s privacy should be respected however the medium of the internet is not a private sphere, it means access to the world and the world can access the person. I chose to check and yep my work did influence me and there were a few difficult conversations in our household …. I advise parents to check, just as they would when their child goes out, to someone’s house etc… yes it is an ethical question of sorts but for me came under the I trust my child but I do not trust other people with my child….

This post sums it up well IMO.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

I have had to make the most stressful phone call to a parent when their child threatened suicide whilst alone in their house at 14. He wrote it on a group chat that my son was in and I was the only parent with a contact number for his Mum. He had mental health issues which school were helping him with. That poor mother was a few doors down from her own home having a coffee with a friend.

Seeing those chat messages where 14 year olds scramble to help someone but don't know what to do is bone chilling.

So yes, I have checked phones/chat messages. My sons are now 18 and 15. I do occasionally check the 15 year olds. The police also advise you to check phones. This is not an invasion of privacy but an act of safeguarding. They are children who need guidance and an adult can provide it.

Well done. Somebody has to be responsible.

Utter bullshit spouted about them "being legally entitled to privacy" at that age. Show me the legislation please?!

I work in safeguarding. It's unbelievable what teenagers are capable of using their phones for and what they can hide from others with them.

So yes, I think it's utterly irresponsible giving them a device that leaves them open to abuse, grooming, bullying, porn, photos being sent, inappropriate material, brain washing etc etc etc and this is WITH the parental controls on.

I'm not saying snoop, I'm not saying do a daily check and make them secretive. But as a parent you have a responsibility to make sure you safeguard your child. Having seen some of the horrors of the "normal, happy well adjusted child who ALWAYS talks to me openly" to suddenly completing suicide within a week because a naked photo of them was circulating.

There needs to a fine balance of openness trust and honesty. And I'm sure as shit certain every single 14 year old has something on their phone they don't want their mum to see.

We check our son’s phone ( just turned 15) purely for safeguarding reasons.

It is absolutely our responsibility as parents.

From our checking; we found some serious things. Online bullying in a group chat from school towards another child, a girl sending him nudes when they were 13 and that’s just the start.

My DD is only 11 and actually doesn’t have a phone yet.
BUT most of her peers do and I know there have already been incidents (where school have had to get involved) of cyber bullying and inappropriate use of tik tok.
They are NOT old enough to understand or predict the real life consequences of their online life. They need guidance.

Of course you should check your young teens phone, just because they seem well adjusted doesnt mean any thing when it comes to their life. My friends teen daughter is very well adjusted, smart, loving very popular she still checked her phone to find she had been sending nudes. 14 year olds arent adults.

we rarely do, but dc have to hand over their devices upon request and they are not allowed to change their password.
so far, touch wood everything has been fine.
we discuss online safety quite a bit as a family and also school is hot on it. we hope dc take heed and they continue to stay sensible.

It’s also important to remember that ALL these kids will have been told by parents and school how to behave online.
How to stay safe.
What not to post or send or search for.
What to do if a random starts asking home for things….
They could all tell you what they should do.
But far too often, when faced with a choice they make the wrong one.

@Smartiepants79

It’s also important to remember that ALL these kids will have been told by parents and school how to behave online. How to stay safe. What not to post or send or search for. What to do if a random starts asking home for things…. They could all tell you what they should do. But far too often, when faced with a choice they make the wrong one.

I don't agree with that at all. "Far too often" where's your data to back that up?

I think most teens make the right decisions in these situations. I think the ones who don't are the exception and not the rule.

@Smartiepants79

My DD is only 11 and actually doesn’t have a phone yet. BUT most of her peers do and I know there have already been incidents (where school have had to get involved) of cyber bullying and inappropriate use of tik tok. They are NOT old enough to understand or predict the real life consequences of their online life. They need guidance.

BIG difference between 11 and 14. Huge. Mine got phones at 11 and I had to check and talk to them a lot at that time.

At 14...not so much.

@FortunesFave
Of course there’s a big difference between 11 and 14! But a 14 yr old is still a child that we as parents are responsible for.
You choose what you want for your children.
In my opinion I would actually say the 14 was at higher risk than the 11 year old.
At 11 much more likely to come to an adult with a problem and I would have thought less likely to be the instigator (not always true obviously).
At 14, trying harder to be independent and yet fit in at the same time. More easily ashamed and embarrassed of silly mistakes and less likely to ask for help.

Breck Bednar was 14 when he was groomed and murdered by Lewis Daynes.

We owe it to our children to keep them safe online.

I did when mine were early teens but there gets to a point where you have to talk to them, trust them and hope for the best.

I belong to a group on FB which is a uni group offering advice to parents with DCs starting uni and support going through the uni years. One mum posted the other day asking how she could put a tracker on her 18 year olds phone before she went away