Am I clingy and controlling? Feel a bit sick

[Ahets]

I’m worried I’m running my relationship. It’s not that new, 18 months nearly. For context, DP is quite introverted, not much relationship experience, quiet and reserved and is happy with just being rather than getting overly excited or enthusiastic about things. That makes him sound like a misery, he isn’t, he just doesn’t express himself much. Not sure if that’s relevant.

I fear I am controlling or at least clingy.

1. Can’t stand not having plans to see each other set out in detail. For instance, he works different hours each week and sometimes doesn’t get his timetable until the Sunday. I feel upset and annoyed if he doesn’t check it immediately and then tell me so we can plan.

1. I feel upset if he doesn’t become as excited as me about a weekend away. I email him ideas and hotels and he rarely responds other than to say it sounds nice. He doesn’t book annual leave in advance and doesn’t plan ahead to fit these things in. This makes me feel rubbish and I send him more ideas I guess as a way to make the plan more appealing to him.

1. If we have only one or two texts in a day I feel like he doesn’t care or is losing interest. I get upset and don’t express this to him but withdraw for a while.

1. I don’t like that we don’t speak on the phone daily.

1. I felt upset that he told his family about a promotion the day before he told me. I had helped him work towards this and discussed it with him at length.

1. I want to see him most days and feel pushed out if he says he is busy with work etc.

The worst thing about all of this is that before him I was wildly independent. I didn’t give a shit about whether a man text more than once a day or whether we spoke on the phone. I couldn’t have cared less. It’s as if the more he is chilled out, the more I panic and feel worried and then do these strange things. I’m not sure I’ve ever emailed a partner so much about trips away or been so keen to pin down in detail the next time we meet. I’m just not like that. Except I am with him. I can’t seem to help it and I don’t know why!! Am I being neurotic and toxic? How to stop?

I think you sound desperately clingy rather than controlling..
I think you need to take a massive step back and stop suffocating him otherwise it'll damage your relationship.

@Pebbledashery how do I do this? I feel like damage has been done. I’ve never been like this before. It makes me feel like shit as well as the impact on him.

You sounds like you might have some fear of abandonment?

@SheABitSpicyToday yes I had therapy for this years ago and it didn’t impact my relationships. I still have therapy now. I don’t know why I do this with him? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stand that I do it. It makes me feel sick with myself. It’s so horribly pathetic and exhausting and takes the fun out of everything.

I must admit, a lot of the behaviour you describe would have me feeling very overwhelmed.

Have you discussed your feelings with him? Can you pin point why you suddenly feel this way?

Is there something underlying this change, do you think?

18 months in and it sounds like you haven't worked this stuff out together - that's not great. You'd expect this kind of thing in the first few months maybe but by now you'd hope you would be feeling more secure.

I don't think he's going to change his ways or become the sort of person you seem to want him to be.

So all you can do if you want to stay in the relationship is work on your own reactions and feelings I think.

What's your communication like between you?

@SpringRainbow and @MorriseysGladioli I’ve always been like it a bit with him as he is just so reserved and I rarely hear things like ‘I miss you ‘ or ‘I love you.’ But recently he’s been covering a lot of extra work with covid and so he’s been out of contact (physically) and it’s escalated this feeling. Any time he’s takes a step back, or I feel that’s what is happening, I take three forward in panic.

I’ve not really told him directly that I feel abandoned, no. I don’t think he could help anyway as he’s actually a lovely partner and his traits aren’t bad ones they just make me feel unsure of his feelings towards me. He wouldn’t be able to change those traits so it’s on me try and fix this and I am not doing a good job at the moment

You sound anxious, full on and possibly histrionic.

He may well be a quiet and gentle person but it may also be that he is aware that you can be overly dramatic and that’s why he keeps things low key so as to avoid confrontations and energy sapping drama.

@morningteaisthebest he would talk with me if I wanted to. But this is who he is and I won’t get more from him in the way he expresses himself. He’s introverted with everyone. When I’m with him it’s perfect. It’s when we are apart that I can’t seem to cope well, constantly emailing, wanting to speak or plan the next trip.

Rationally I know that just basic psychology means that makes me less attractive. Yet I can’t help it.

He's a lovely partner for someone else, but not you I dont think.

If you go back to the old love languages thing then yours sound different to each other's

You do sound very clingy and controlling. He’s going to start feeling suffocated and you’re going to end up pushing him away. If you want this relationship to work it’s something you need to address, probably in therapy.

@Galassia that’s a good point. Makes me feel worse but reckon that’s probably true!

I think maybe you just aren’t right for eachother. I’ve been in relationships like this where i just haven’t felt wanted, loved, worthy etc. With my husband it was never like that from day 1 because we are right for eachother.

@WildWestWanda what can I do now? I want to change this so much

I wonder though if your DP is kind of holding back a bit which makes you feel you have to work for it a bit.

I would seriously reevaluate this relationship with your therapist.

I agree with others that you probably just aren't right for each other. People are just different, nothing that you have posted suggested that he isn't interested or whatever, but just that he doesn't act or respond as you feel he should. Its probably going to be wearing for him and for you if you continue on.

Considering this is an 18m relationship YANBU

Everything you said is understandable. You don't seem like a priority, not like you've only been chatting 8 weeks. But at the same time this isn't fun or healthy for you (I've been there, when your happiness depends on getting a reply or phone call). Do you think you're more invested in the relationship than him?

I have to say if a man was behaving like this I'd run for the hills OP. Just back off a bit or you'll risk ruining things. A couple of texts a day is fine. Busy with work can just mean busy with work and you run out of day and head space for anything else.

It just sounds like an imbalance in how much you want to see each other and text. You need to be wanting the same things. No use if somebody wants to meet every day and the other person once a week.

I don’t think you sound clingy or controlling as you have insight into your behaviour. You sound anxious though. Is that because of your own personality? Have you been like this with other people? Or is it because of him? After 18 months, do you sense that things aren’t moving forward? What are your longer term plans as a couple? Does he talk about the future or is he avoidant when you do? What ages are you? Do you want children? All relevant.
Try to rein in your anxieties over short term things - he didn’t text, he was busy. But be quietly firm about the bigger picture. Where does he see things going? Do your plans align? You have a right to know and don’t let the cool girls tell you otherwise.

You're always posting about this aren't you? If not, apologies but there's someone exactly like you doing this and just changing the odd detail

And yes - clingy. I'd be off if I was him

It doesn't sound massively clingy or controlling to me. You're just two different people with two different expectations of levels of communication etc in a relationship.

Have you communicated your needs? If you have and he hasn't communicated his for you to both find a nice balance, I can't see this lasting long term.

I don’t think you sound genuinely clingy / controlling.

Could it be that the fact that he’s undemonstrative makes you anxious?

Isn’t there a book called the five languages of love, or something, which explains that each of us needs varying things to make us feel secure and loved. Maybe you need more overt demonstrations of love.

Maybe you need to be reassured that you are his top priority, too.

While reading I was thinking toxic before I seen you mention it.

Some relationships are toxic in many different ways. Usually when one person is more invested than the other they can over do things for fear of losing them.

You won't have this in every relationship, sometimes we just meet someone that we really want to be with and find them amazing but you both are not compatible. You will do anything to keep them happy, interested, beside you, but because you are not compatible all it results in, is jealousy and anxiety and pushing them away.

Unfortunately you can not change this in this relationship, it's how your personalities work together, as hard as it will be, you need to end this relationship 😞 sorry.

You will meet someone who you gel with, where you won't have the need, to know their every movement, complete trust, not becoming jealous, not needing them by your side every free minute you have.

The thing with toxic relationships is that they are the hardest to end. But you will look back and think wtf was I thinking.