Am I clingy and controlling? Feel a bit sick

[Ahets]

I’m worried I’m running my relationship. It’s not that new, 18 months nearly. For context, DP is quite introverted, not much relationship experience, quiet and reserved and is happy with just being rather than getting overly excited or enthusiastic about things. That makes him sound like a misery, he isn’t, he just doesn’t express himself much. Not sure if that’s relevant.

I fear I am controlling or at least clingy.

1. Can’t stand not having plans to see each other set out in detail. For instance, he works different hours each week and sometimes doesn’t get his timetable until the Sunday. I feel upset and annoyed if he doesn’t check it immediately and then tell me so we can plan.

1. I feel upset if he doesn’t become as excited as me about a weekend away. I email him ideas and hotels and he rarely responds other than to say it sounds nice. He doesn’t book annual leave in advance and doesn’t plan ahead to fit these things in. This makes me feel rubbish and I send him more ideas I guess as a way to make the plan more appealing to him.

1. If we have only one or two texts in a day I feel like he doesn’t care or is losing interest. I get upset and don’t express this to him but withdraw for a while.

1. I don’t like that we don’t speak on the phone daily.

1. I felt upset that he told his family about a promotion the day before he told me. I had helped him work towards this and discussed it with him at length.

1. I want to see him most days and feel pushed out if he says he is busy with work etc.

The worst thing about all of this is that before him I was wildly independent. I didn’t give a shit about whether a man text more than once a day or whether we spoke on the phone. I couldn’t have cared less. It’s as if the more he is chilled out, the more I panic and feel worried and then do these strange things. I’m not sure I’ve ever emailed a partner so much about trips away or been so keen to pin down in detail the next time we meet. I’m just not like that. Except I am with him. I can’t seem to help it and I don’t know why!! Am I being neurotic and toxic? How to stop?

I think you aren't right for each other and it's making you anxious. His lack of enthusiasm in everything would bother me too. And if you're always the one initiating plans, sorting weekends away etc I imagine you feel like he's not as interested as you. I think that could chip away at you.

Sometimes people's communication style and lifestyles just don't match, unfortunately.

@Pebbledashery

I disagree that you're controlling. You're just consumed with the clinginess and neediness.. I hate to say this but you will end up driving him away. You need to learn to not live through someone and be your own person. You also need to be with someone who puts you at the very top of their list in everything they do.. You're unfortunately not compatible with your current partner.

This is good advice.

You are not getting what you need and instead of realising that and moving on, you are consumed by him.

You sound lovely but this is really NOT good.

You will never be happy with someone like this.

My husband is a self contained man, and not very emotional, certainly not very verbal about his emotions.

I wasn't ever a clingy person but I definitely have become even more self sufficient throughout our long marriage.

That certainly wouldn't suit everyone but it works for us.

I have some great female friends who are very comfortable verbalising their emotions, even about their female friends.
It has taken me years to get better at accepting that and not cringe and be embarrassed.

But my parents never verbalised their emotions so I do think this is partly learnt behaviour.

Husband and me make a conscious effort to be more verbal with our kids because we understand it is a life skill.

It is very important to get what you need from a relationship.
If not, it is a very lonely place to be.

You need to be exploring this in therapy.

Will you be happy for this to continue into a long term relationship?
If not, you need to get out.

It could be the way your partner is or is he not as into you as you’re into him? I’ve seen a man pulling back like that before in a friend’s relationship and it didn’t work out. I also saw my friend become clingy and really insecure because the other party was putting minimal effort in compared to her. Op I’m sorry but this situation sounds far from healthy but i believe it is the relationship at fault and not yourself.

I think if he was more vocal about his feelings for me, showed a little bit of initiative with even booking a restaurant (he’s managed that 3 times ever), or just expressed that he missed me voluntarily without me saying it first or seeing me get upset. Whenever I’m upset he is all ‘I miss you’ etc. And hugs me etc. But it’s just like why can’t you be affectionate generally, not just when I’ve got to the point of feeling totally pushed away?!

@Ahets

I think if he was more vocal about his feelings for me, showed a little bit of initiative with even booking a restaurant (he’s managed that 3 times ever), or just expressed that he missed me voluntarily without me saying it first or seeing me get upset. Whenever I’m upset he is all ‘I miss you’ etc. And hugs me etc. But it’s just like why can’t you be affectionate generally, not just when I’ve got to the point of feeling totally pushed away?!

Thing is, some people are just not like that. Some people just aren’t very good at showing affection or sharing their feelings. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, it just means that he isn’t good at expressing how he feels.

You really need to decide if this is something you can work on or not.

Maybe he will open up a bit more in time, but there is a very good chance he won’t.

Whatever's going on, I hope you are taking all of this to therapy, as something is clearly making itself heard within you. Whether or not this is the man for you is ultimately up to you to decide, but in the meantime this relationship is dredging up some stuff that needs to be worked through, with or without him so I hope you can look this stuff head on. Good luck.

[quote Ahets]@robotcollision that’s exactly what I’m doing. So embarrassed to say but I totally do live through him. I wait to see him. I do see friends and have hobbies and a career. But these become ‘waiting’ times to see him. Embarrassed about that.[/quote]
OP you really need to change that. Start acting 'as if' your friends, work and hobbies were as central in your life as he is. Gradually, they will become central and I promise you, you will feel more balanced and in control and happier. Life is happier if you source your happiness from lots of different places, people, activities and things rather than pinning it all on one.

And men like women with a bit of mystery (he doesn't need to know why you are always busy on a given night of the week) or who have a lot of energy and excitement for the lives they lead. It's very attractive.

I said it earlier but you definitely keep posting about this bloke. I'd honestly just chick him back in the pond as he's clearly not giving you what you need

You seem very full on, I couldn’t bear it to be honest. I don’t mean to be unkind, but goodness me, make plans with friends, don’t make this man your entire world. It must be suffocating! I think you may push him away if you carry on. Put a little distance between you, it may make him keener!

I think you are fine, but not compatible. I talk every day to my partner and we both love it. I need to be with someone demonstrative. I think you have different needs and his lack of giving you the commitment you crave so deeply is going to spiral and make you feel worse.

I think he brings out the worst in you OP and you need someone different. It sounds like you're obsessive and/or dependent on him and the more reticent/less attentive he is the more full on you become. I don't think it sounds very healthy or good for you. I think you need someone who is just a bit 'more' and then you will find you are not this clingy, controlling mess.

I think this is not the person for you. You want someone who gets enthusiastic about weekends away and trips, will help you plan and will tell you spontaneously that they miss you and cannot wait to see you. Then your anxious behaviour would disappear.
You have a man who is introverted and clearly needs his space, and is not pro-active in planning things or expressing emotions.
It is not going to be a healthy dynamic unless you accept that is who he is and change your behaviour. Or find someone else who better fits with what you are looking for.

Read 'Attached' by Levine and Heller. It'll explain why you both are as you are and how you can fix it.

Hi OP. I was like this with my DH. I was consumed by him. My whole validation as a person was through him and like your DP he is very introverted, doesn’t show much affection and does not verbally express love. It broke me eventually. We split 3.5 years ago. As other posters have said, he just brought out the worst in me. I’ve been working my ass off trying to figure out why I was like that, have spent years in therapy to no avail. Turns out my toxic childhood has a lot to blame for how I was with my ex. It’s like he threw me back into my childhood and all the pain that went with it. He pressed those buttons unintentionally. I am a textbook codependent and am working hard to overcome/deal with this. I am currently reading “Facing Codependency” by Pia Mellody and all the pieces of the puzzle are finally starting to come together. If you’ve had a difficult childhood perhaps it’s worth looking at as it may give you some reason as to why you’re acting so insecure and clingy. I wish you well OP as I know how soul destroying it is.

I think some people are being a bit harsh with you. At 18 months DH and I were living together.

I think you have every right to expect a bit more than a ‘yeah whatever whenever’ attitude at this stage.

You have every right to want enthusiasm and if your boyfriend isn’t giving you what you need you should keep looking until you find a man who makes you feel happy and relaxed.