Am I clingy and controlling? Feel a bit sick

[Ahets]

I’m worried I’m running my relationship. It’s not that new, 18 months nearly. For context, DP is quite introverted, not much relationship experience, quiet and reserved and is happy with just being rather than getting overly excited or enthusiastic about things. That makes him sound like a misery, he isn’t, he just doesn’t express himself much. Not sure if that’s relevant.

I fear I am controlling or at least clingy.

1. Can’t stand not having plans to see each other set out in detail. For instance, he works different hours each week and sometimes doesn’t get his timetable until the Sunday. I feel upset and annoyed if he doesn’t check it immediately and then tell me so we can plan.

1. I feel upset if he doesn’t become as excited as me about a weekend away. I email him ideas and hotels and he rarely responds other than to say it sounds nice. He doesn’t book annual leave in advance and doesn’t plan ahead to fit these things in. This makes me feel rubbish and I send him more ideas I guess as a way to make the plan more appealing to him.

1. If we have only one or two texts in a day I feel like he doesn’t care or is losing interest. I get upset and don’t express this to him but withdraw for a while.

1. I don’t like that we don’t speak on the phone daily.

1. I felt upset that he told his family about a promotion the day before he told me. I had helped him work towards this and discussed it with him at length.

1. I want to see him most days and feel pushed out if he says he is busy with work etc.

The worst thing about all of this is that before him I was wildly independent. I didn’t give a shit about whether a man text more than once a day or whether we spoke on the phone. I couldn’t have cared less. It’s as if the more he is chilled out, the more I panic and feel worried and then do these strange things. I’m not sure I’ve ever emailed a partner so much about trips away or been so keen to pin down in detail the next time we meet. I’m just not like that. Except I am with him. I can’t seem to help it and I don’t know why!! Am I being neurotic and toxic? How to stop?

You do sound extremely clingy and also a little controlling

I know it's a cliché but do you have any other friends, hobbies, interests? It sounds like you are focusing all your energies in to this relationship which probably isn't a healthy situation.

@Coronawireless yeah I agree I need to let the small things go. He always says he wants the same things but I guess we’ve not yet had a proper discussion. I feel insecure and put on the back burner with everything. I know regardless I need to step back. It’s hard and I don’t know where to start.

@PercyPigAndMe no I’ve not posted before. Just felt v worried today and haven’t known where to turn!

I would feel suffocated if I was with a man who behaved and felt as you do, because it seems as though you are living your life through him. Just existing in the moments when you are not with him and only really purposeful and alive when he is there. That is a massive responsibility for him and drain on him.

You asked what to do. Develop some passions. Genuine passions. Things you love so much you would rather do them than see him in that given moment. Anything from sport to volunteering, creative hobbies, cookery classes, choir, joining a band, animals - anything. Get passionate about life. I adore DH but I would massively miss bootcamp, mountain hiking, kayaking, going to the theatre with mates, adult ed classes and my day job if he 'needed' me so much every day.

Also, having real passions and goals of your own in life makes you a far more interesting person when you do meet up. And if it doesn't work out, then you still have a vibrant life. You can't lose. What do you enjoy in life? What intrigues you? What successful people do you feel most envious of - Musicians? Olympians? Novelists? Entrepreneurs? That can help you get a sense of what you could do in life that makes you really proud of yourself.

You want more enthusiasm from him, he can’t give it, it’s not his nature.
You get excited about making plans for experiences together, hes tepid in response.
You like an regular back and forth of communication, he doesn’t have that need.
In an ideal world, you’d have a match for your own energy.
But you say he’s perfect for you in some ways. Maybe he can learn, behaviourally, to be a little more generous toward you by including you as his overt priority more. That might reassure you.
I would imagine he loves your enthusiasm and enjoys your reliable loyalty to him and zest for him.

It sounds like you're not compatible tbh.

Daily phone calls would do my head in, and he may be overwhelmed by what you want from him, which may in turn cause him to step back.

I hate putting me under pressure. If he's already extremely busy with work I don't think it will benefit either of you to put him under more pressure.

If you're not happy I'd suggest you step back and find a different relationship that is more suited to you.

DH is very similar. He is never overly excited about anything - but, I have known him for 6 years and know that it's just his way, it doesn't mean he loves me any less and it doesn't mean he's not excited about plans or the future. He also works shifts (we both do) and we've both had to realised that sometimes we would have had to go longer without contact or seeing each other before we lived together.

He doesn't sound like a bad person, he just sounds different to you and he's probably feeling the pressure of your actions.

You're the only person that can change this behaviour or call it a day. Some CBT or counselling may help.

@robotcollision that’s exactly what I’m doing. So embarrassed to say but I totally do live through him. I wait to see him. I do see friends and have hobbies and a career. But these become ‘waiting’ times to see him. Embarrassed about that.

You do sound clingy, and it can be very off putting to most people. You have been together for quite a while, and by now, should have realised, or got used to both your differences, and accepted things if you wish to carry on with things.

I would find it odd, and irritating, that someone had to be texting and phoning all day, to keep check on everything.. its all weird to me.

You’ve developed an anxious attachment to somebody undemonstrative.

Honestly, you need to read about languages of love, and styles of attachment.

I would feel smothered if I was in your partner’s shoes.

I don’t think he will ever be able to offer you what you want, so I think that you are probably incompatible.

I think you sound desperately needy and i think it’s deeply unhealthy for both of you, I’m surprised he’s still with uou he must love you very much, it must be suffocating for him and I assume th fact he’s laid back and quiet is what enables him to deal with it.

You need to seek help as these issues are yours.

I don’t think you are necessarily mismatched but you’re right it’s your psychological reaction making you overly needy and yes that needs to be addressed. The way I see it the qualities you have described are really great ones as they are low maintenance and consistent. If he got all excited over trips and that’s what you felt valued for you would need to keep this up and wonder if he really wanted to spend time with you or just enjoyed the excitement phase (which wears off). When you’re feeling the needy instead of arranging things like this try researching a meal he likes or a film/series he might like to binge with him. Spend more time with him at home and play house a bit. He’s probably a bit exhausted so focusing on quality time and communication may help you feel more secure

I disagree that you're controlling. You're just consumed with the clinginess and neediness.. I hate to say this but you will end up driving him away. You need to learn to not live through someone and be your own person.
You also need to be with someone who puts you at the very top of their list in everything they do.. You're unfortunately not compatible with your current partner.

I could have written this myself, I have been in relationships where I've behaved like this, usually because I feel insecure or my feelings arenjust so intense I find them difficult to manage.

It's so hard to change though. The only time I haven't been quite as full on is with my husband because I've always felt so comfortable with him and with us.

Without assigning blame, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. I'd give yourself two months, say, to work on this with your therapist and try to find ways to actively enjoy the time you're not with him. If it doesn't work, I think for both your sakes you need to end it.

Sounds like you aren’t particularly compatible. You don’t sound controlling but very demanding/clingy. To someone who is more introverted and less of a planner, it must be pretty overwhelming.
What is it about him that means you put your life on hold for him? You say this is very different to how you were before so what has changed?
Maybe if you met just before lockdown one, you haven’t had the usual lifestyle you may have been used to.

[quote Ahets]@SheABitSpicyToday yes I had therapy for this years ago and it didn’t impact my relationships. I still have therapy now. I don’t know why I do this with him? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t stand that I do it. It makes me feel sick with myself. It’s so horribly pathetic and exhausting and takes the fun out of everything.[/quote]
You've had therapy for years well it hasn't worked has it?

Don't know where you Go from this

It does sound like you're not entirely compatible. For example, it's not unreasonable for you to want to know in advance when you can see each other and when it's impossible due to work. But if he's not willing to engage with you on that, then there's a mismatch between what you want and what he wants.

Ditto, if you'r reorganising a trip away and you need him to be constantly validating your choices and brimming with excitement, and he can't do that, then again, there's a mismatch.

These two are the ones I picked out because I'm more like you for the first, but him for the second. I like to plan and book etc, but once it's organised, i would put it out of my head until we were actually getting ready to go. So my point is that it's all just personality traits.

I'm surprised it's lasted this long. You sound obsessed with him. It's not healthy. Relationships should be fun but he is being controlled by you.

You sound clingy,needy and neurotic.

Unfortunately, things aren’t going to just change.

If you want to change then you will need to get to the root cause of why this is happening and develop tools/ strategies to help cope with these feelings.

Clingy, co-dependent and neurotic. This isn't good for you, or your partner.

You need to learn to be alone and not need constant assurance, validation and contact with your partner. If you want to hear your partner tell you he misses you, make him miss you. If he is someone who does not express their feelings, you need to accept this and stop pushing him in a hope that he will.

To be honest, I don't think this relationship is healthy for you if it is making you behave in this way. You either need to rein in your behaviour or stop seeing him.

With respect he sounds like a wet lettuce, you need someone with a bit of fire in their belly. Your mismatched.

You need to be with someone demonstrative and expressive for a start and then see how your clinginess manifests when you're actually in a compatible relationship. Some people just bring out the very worst of us.

I can be like this with my husband occasionally. (normally depending on time of the month)

He is however in the forces so often away for vast amounts of time and I struggle with the amount I miss and think about him compared to how I think he feels about me.

I think in general men are much better at compartmentalising than women.

We can have a wonderful romantic weekend, staring into each other’s eyes and discussing the beauty of alining planets which allowed us to meet and become soul partners and the next day I don’t hear from him for 12 hours with nothing but a curt “I’m working!”