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Original poster

Feeling shit about breakfast clubs

84 replies

Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 21:44

I’ve always done term time school hours. I’ve two children in Primary (year 5 and Year 2) and due to impending divorce and ex being a financial dick head I’ve had to take a different school job with more hours.

It’s still term time, they will still come home at the usual time and I will still be off for holidays etc, but it means that 5 days a week they will be going to breakfast club at 8am.

Jesus, I thought it would be simple, but the 9 year old will not let it go. I’ve had sulking, I’ve had sad faces, I’ve had brave faces and now I have tears because I’ve lost patience with it and told her if I can’t work then we won’t have anything and I’ve upset her, but she just will not stop.

I do feel shit. It’s always been a huge thing to me not to use the childcare and I know they don’t want to go, but I’m currently not in an ideal world, I’m in a world where their dad is sitting pretty watching them go without in order to punish me and someone (me) has to step up and earn the shortfall.

It’s only an hour a day isn’t it? They’ll enjoy it won’t they? I feel like a shit parent right now because the guilt tripping is huge.

I’m under loads of pressure to earn the money, whilst at the same time being “mum” and this just isn’t helping.

I’m not asking exh for help. It’s due to him I’m having to work more, all help comes at a huge high price.

OP posts:
Wineat5isfine · 01/08/2021 23:07

Don’t feel bad. The reason for breakfast club is because you are rocking it as a mum and have a job!

They will love it. Breakfast with friends, some play time before school.

It will be fine!

beigebrownblue · 01/08/2021 23:08

Yes they'll be fine. Don't be deterred.
Sorry your ex if being an arxxhole.

I've been there, it's tough.

Breakfast clubs, especially those attached to schools are usually staffed by very well trained people and ensure smooth entry to school.

I was very grateful for them when mine were younger.

You are doing great by the sound of it.

Mollymalone123 · 01/08/2021 23:13

I work in breakfast and after school club- make sure to let staff know about how u you our children might be feeling- we have lots of kids come to us in similar circumstances and far worse -a good setting will help them settle.I’m sure they’ll be fine

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BackforGood · 01/08/2021 23:13

What RJnomore1 and museumum said.

I totally disagree with this Ok so the conversation goes: I know it's not ideal, if there was any way we could avoid it I would. Lots of other children go, their parents work and they are fine. I need you to give it a try and see how you go. If you really don't like it I will look for a childminder but I can't make any guarantees about that. which paints it out to be something negative in the first instance. That's setting yourself up for more moaning.

ThePlantsitter · 01/08/2021 23:13

They will totally deal with this.

My two still haven't forgiven me for the year they had to go to after school club for one night a week. They are joking though, DD said this would be her supervillain backstory. I'm telling you this because I understand the guilt when you're not used to using childcare but I promise as soon as they start going you will realise how this is nothing and actually they can just deal. Even if they find it hard or hate it, seriously it's one hour early crap cereals. It's not like you're sending them down the mine.

ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2021 23:14

If they haven't done a session yet then it's the big unknown and they will continue to be nervous/upset about it until they have had a few sessions.

Just reassure your DC when they bring it up, but stop talking about it otherwise.

They will be fine, but they don't know that yet, they CAN'T know that yet. It's outside of any experience upon which they can draw comfort from.

TheCupboardOfChaos · 01/08/2021 23:15

@Sparklingbrook

They will be absolutely fine. And they will one day look back and realise you did what you needed to. Mine are grown up now but at that age children that didn't need to go to Breakfast Club wanted to go as well, and if there were spaces left they would opt for it.
I had been thinking this, too.

OP, remember that children at independent schools are often there from 8 until 4 every day - and that's just the normal school day, not before- and after-school care. Nobody turns a hair.

Catawaul · 01/08/2021 23:26

Mine love breakfast club and they wish they went to after school club too! I really like it, it's a slow start to the day, fewer children so more attention, no rushing in the mornings and they are never late for school!
Do you think your 9yo is using this as an outlet for other worries? My DC do this, they latch onto something straightforward they can articulate a moan about but don't talk about their genuine concerns which are more complex.

Wouldyoudothesame · 01/08/2021 23:27

Well I'm a stay at home mum and my DD1 begs me to send her to after school club. First it was one day now it's ended up as 3 days a week! As a child I was at every before and after school club going and vowed I wouldn't do the same to my children...but my eldest has different ideas 😅 Honestly they will be fine, it's only an hour before school after all. Sounds like you are doing a great job looking out for your kids interests...sometimes they disagree with what we think/know is best for the family situation x

CommanderBurnham · 01/08/2021 23:44

@BackforGood

I stand by it. It's not ideal for OP. childcare is entirely reasonable for people, including myself but for others it's a big deal. It's correct to acknowledge her obvious anxiety, which has come from all the upheaval she has had. At no point in that convo has she been told she has the option of not going. It's just done in way that demonstrates some empathy.

I have an anxious little boy who doesn't like his feelings minimised or disregarded. But he gets told to suck it up. Kindly.

Wallywobbles · 02/08/2021 05:13

So your career has suffered all of their lives basically. Time for a few, kindly said, home truths so they don't feel they have to make the choices you did. I'd be gutted if my kids saw childcare as a failure.

In France, all mums go back to their jobs at 13 weeks. Childcare is from 8- 6 or 7 for most. It never occurred to me to feel guilty about it.

Your guilt is very much a British thing. Let it go.

WaterBottle123 · 02/08/2021 06:58

Completely lone parent here. Smallest DD has done breakfast club and after school club since reception. Consequently she has a very wide of range of friends. She also does holiday club as I don't work in a school.

Your children will be absolutely fine. You're setting them a great example.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/08/2021 07:05

Of course they'll be fine. I'm also divorced and DS goes to breakfast club, I worked school hours only until he was 7. He didn't want to go but then he found out one of his friends went and he was fine!

Bunnycat101 · 02/08/2021 07:33

I think it’s inevitable that some of your feelings about childcare will have passed onto your children, if not from you then your ex if he was so bullish about it. You still have a term time job with no need to use after school care so have a better situation than the vast majority of working parents. You should feel no guilt for 5 hours.

I’d also be vey wary of stressing financial issues to the children as to why you have to work. You don’t want them to be stressed about money on top of anxiety about the divorce.

Logically what is the difference between spending 6 hours and school and 7 hours with a bit more food?

BoomChicka · 02/08/2021 07:56

It seems like your DC have picked up on you and ex dh attitude to childcare/parents who use childcare, so it's not surprising. But, I'm sure they will enjoy it after the first day nerves.

Hercisback · 02/08/2021 07:58

@CommanderBurnham The only problem with what you said is the option for a childminder. Don't give that option. You can acknowledge the child's feelings without an alternative offer.

Jobsharenightmare · 02/08/2021 08:01

They may or may not enjoy it but sadly that's irrelevant. You have no choice. I'd also be quite factual about it and not talk about how much fun they'll have but talk about it being like brushing their teeth; necessary routine. That way if they don't mind it it will be a good surprise.

MushMonster · 02/08/2021 08:11

They will be ok.
Good chance in life to learn about priorities, family teamwork, and compromise.
Once they are there, they will love it. They are not so little anymore.
I think they may be picking up on your own feelings about childcare.
You all need a reset. You made it till here having mornings and afternoons together, and to be honest, you are not losing that much time together.
It will actually get you closer, as you all have to work together. They have to compromise and go to the club (where they will make friends!), you work more hours. They can start helping with the house, so you can get some family downtime together.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/08/2021 08:16

It’s very likely they know your views on childcare and are picking up on that.
They will be fine, if they do clubs etc it’s not like they have been home 24/7 with no other adults ever.

Original poster
Williesfillies · 02/08/2021 08:19

Tbh the club is attached to their school, it has their friends in it, and it’s run by staff who have children in the school and are mostly friends we have socialised with, so there’s no nervousness for them.

I genuinely thought they would love the idea, but my eldest says she will miss having time with me.

She’s not picked up any attitude from me over childcare, as I’ve said numerous times I don’t have an issue with childcare, I didn’t use it because my Exh pressured me not to, so I did jobs that fitted better.

She’s struggled with school since she went back after lockdown. She’s always been quite a homebody and I think she just views this as more time spent at school when she would rather be at home

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 02/08/2021 08:21

suspect while your eldest is upset about this. It has probably more to do with the divorce and all changes then actually breakfast club.

This. I also think 9 is old enough to understand that this arrangement means you still have afternoons, weekends and holidays together, which is an incredibly fortunate position to be in.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 02/08/2021 08:27

Our breakfast club had a policy where kids could just turn up no booking in advice needed.
I'll admit to often sending in my dc (who liked it when they got thereGrin) when I didn't really need to and had a day off or they were bickering and I wanted them out the house earlier as I was close to boiling point

Standback · 02/08/2021 08:43

Op I have year 2 and year 5 DC. They don't go to breakfast club but they are desperate to! They moan at me all the time about how it's not fair they can't go. What I'm trying to say is, kids will find something to moan about, no matter what! If it wasn't this, it would be something else. My 9yo especially is an expert in this.

I went to both breakfast and after school club from reception to yr 6, every day. I loved it some days, hated it others but can now appreciate how hard my mum worked so needs must.

gogohm · 02/08/2021 09:02

I think you need to sit them down and be fairly truthful with them. Spare any accusations about their father though! Eg "as you know mum and dad have decided/ dad has decided that they don't want to live together now, it's nothing you have done wrong sometimes adults don't want to love each other any more. We'll always both love you (important). But this means we have to have two houses and they cost more than one house, so I (mum) need to work more hours so we can pay for food and the bills."

They might ask more detailed questions, my dd wanted to see the spreadsheet my ex and I made to see it was fair!

Hemingwaycat · 02/08/2021 09:04

Gosh, mine had to go to breakfast club throughout school from reception onwards. It was either that or I didn’t go to work and they didn’t have the lovely house we lived in! Your 9 year old will be fine and in secondary school soon so it won’t even be an issue.

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