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Original poster

Feeling shit about breakfast clubs

84 replies

Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 21:44

I’ve always done term time school hours. I’ve two children in Primary (year 5 and Year 2) and due to impending divorce and ex being a financial dick head I’ve had to take a different school job with more hours.

It’s still term time, they will still come home at the usual time and I will still be off for holidays etc, but it means that 5 days a week they will be going to breakfast club at 8am.

Jesus, I thought it would be simple, but the 9 year old will not let it go. I’ve had sulking, I’ve had sad faces, I’ve had brave faces and now I have tears because I’ve lost patience with it and told her if I can’t work then we won’t have anything and I’ve upset her, but she just will not stop.

I do feel shit. It’s always been a huge thing to me not to use the childcare and I know they don’t want to go, but I’m currently not in an ideal world, I’m in a world where their dad is sitting pretty watching them go without in order to punish me and someone (me) has to step up and earn the shortfall.

It’s only an hour a day isn’t it? They’ll enjoy it won’t they? I feel like a shit parent right now because the guilt tripping is huge.

I’m under loads of pressure to earn the money, whilst at the same time being “mum” and this just isn’t helping.

I’m not asking exh for help. It’s due to him I’m having to work more, all help comes at a huge high price.

OP posts:
bizboz · 01/08/2021 22:14

My DC have gone to breakfast and after-school club every day since the youngest was in Y2. We have to work, it's just the way it is. We are both teachers so they get the holidays with us but term times are busy. Can you sit down with your DC and explain the benefits to them and you of you working - financial, using your skills etc. At her age it might also be possible to start introducing the idea that women are not just at home to look after children and the importance of financial independence.

bringonyourwreckingball · 01/08/2021 22:17

I have always worked 4 days a week and long hours. The bits my kids remember (13 and 15 now) are when I showed up early and spoiled all their fun. They will get used to it, then enjoy it if you don’t make it a thing

Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:17

Some of it is tapping into my guilt and worry, it’s more hours than I wanted and it’s going to be a huge juggling act on my own (no nearby family and school not within walking distance) so it feels like a big upheaval all round for us all

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Biblionerd · 01/08/2021 22:19

Well of course they're going to make you feel shit, that's what they do! But they'll be fine, I promise! Mine even sometimes make me feel shit on a day to day basis about using wraparound care at school, but when I collect them they're always perfectly fine and have had the best time.

I'm sorry your ex has put you in this position

ManxRhyme · 01/08/2021 22:20

Breakfast club is hardly anything in terms of childcare. Stop beating yourself up and feeling as if you've 'failed' by having to use childcare. You need to be careful how you project childcare to your kids, as the impression I'm getting is that both you and exDH view it as a negative thing and kids will pick up on it.

Just be matter of fact about it and say because you have to work she will need to attend school a little bit earlier. Not discussion. They will get used to it. Mine love breakfast club. An extra breakfast and lots of toys. What's not to like.

Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:22

I don’t think childcare is negative, it’s just I’ve never had to use it. I worked for myself then took school hour jobs so it’s never been needed.

I told them in a positive way and I actually thought they would be chuffed because the breakfast club is actually really good at their school, but it went down like a lead balloon which I hadn’t expected at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:24

Exh will just view anything I do as wrong whilst airbrushing over the fact I’ve had to take more hours because of him

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 01/08/2021 22:24

I strongly suspect your 9 year old is picking up on YOUR feelings about it and half playing up/half telling you what you want to hear. There is no moral superiority on not using childcare and going to breakfast club will not in any way damage your children. Probably quite the opposite by giving them more social time with their peers.

I understand you did it out of frustration but telling them that it would be their fault you financially struggle if they don’t comply would however not be something id want my children to hear from me.

Relentlessly cheerful about their jolly exciting new adventure now they’re big girls and boys and don’t need mum to be babying them all the time plus a planned treat from your salary when you get paid (could be as simple as a trip to get an I scream or choose a magazine) would be the way I would approach it.

Bobbybobbins · 01/08/2021 22:26

Your kids will be fine once they adjust to it. Just wanted to say well done and massive respect for stepping up for your kids like this OP.

museumum · 01/08/2021 22:28

Tbh “priding yourself” on “not using childcare” is just bloody weird. I can only imagine your 9yr old is picking up in your really weird attitude to breakfast club. My ds goes 3x a week and considers it an extra “playtime” before school but then I don’t have any weird hang ups about childcare.
I see you’re going through a difficult time right now OP but please do try to re-examine some of your attitudes. For your own sake.

Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:29

@Bobbybobbins Thankyou for saying that.

I know it seems a minor thing, but I’m just swimming in shit all the time and trying to keep us afloat with an ex who makes life as hard as possible with his spite and meanness and it’s all on my shoulders x

OP posts:
dopeyduck · 01/08/2021 22:29

Crikey, you're all being a tad dramatic, it's breakfast club not packing them off to boarding school full time.

You say 'I've always made such a big deal out of not using childcare' maybe the message is stop making a big deal out of it and get on with the situation as it stands.

A skill in life is resilience.

Redlorryellow · 01/08/2021 22:31

Please don’t worry. My dc was in breakfast club at least 3 days a week from age 3-5 and she was fine. You will all adjust. I’ve also been there myself as the child in an acrimonious divorce with a financial dickhead dad and wanted to echo what PPs said, that your dc is probably feeling scared and vulnerable and being annoyed about breakfast club is just an outlet for those feelings. It’s a shit situation but you sound like you’re doing your best. In time she will see that, I promise. I see now the sacrifices my mum made for us in that situation and it’s made me a better mum to my dc. Flowers for you x

CommanderBurnham · 01/08/2021 22:34

Ok so the conversation goes: I know it's not ideal, if there was any way we could avoid it I would. Lots of other children go, their parents work and they are fine. I need you to give it a try and see how you go. If you really don't like it I will look for a childminder but I can't make any guarantees about that.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/08/2021 22:34

9 is more than old enough to understand that you need to work to earn money. My DS fully understands that at 6.

I am guessing she is upset about the impending divorce, things changing, things being outside her control, and her reaction to breakfast club might be related to those feelings.

I wouldn't be feeling bad about sending her and I would probably have a conversation acknowledging that this is part of a very difficult set of changes, and thanking her in advance for her cooperation. Once she goes she'll probably enjoy it anyway.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 01/08/2021 22:35

@Hercisback

It's not about the breakfast club, it's everything the breakfast club means to her (divorce, life changes, less time with mum). You're doing the right thing. You're doing the best for your kids and you know that.

It’s always been a huge thing to me not to use the childcare
This phrase also gives an insight. If she's picked up on your deliberate avoidance of childcare then her impression of it won't be positive.

Hercisback is completely right, I think. Try to let go of the guilt, because actually this isn’t really ABOUT breakfast club. But also try to project positivity about childcare if you can, from now on. Maybe help her make a friend there ahead of time, if possible? It’s an adjustment, but your kids will definitely cope.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/08/2021 22:36

Ok so the conversation goes: I know it's not ideal, if there was any way we could avoid it I would.

It's breakfast club, not foster care!

CommanderBurnham · 01/08/2021 22:38

Yes but the child needs to hear that. So she doesn't feel that she's been dumped.

Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:47

To clarify over childcare.

My ex put a lot of pressure on me not to use childcare, and because of how he was when we were married, I didn’t.

I don’t have a problem with childcare, they do loads of clubs etc so it’s not some fear over leaving them.

I’m more furious that I’m financially pushed into it by him, but at the same time will be made to feel like a failure because I using it due to him.

I haven’t said anything negative to the kids ever about childcare, they just don’t want to go to it and if there was a way to avoid it right now I would take that option!!

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 01/08/2021 22:51

Is there any coffee shop on the way? By the middle of Yr 5 they could maybe be dropped or walk to the coffee shop on the way to school one day a week and can have a budget of whatever the breakfast club costs. If they manage that OK and always get to school that day you could expand it in yr6 to everyday. Tell them that they need to be reliably going to breakfast club without a fuss to show that they are mature enough for this independence. Get them practising walking there after school and buying something.

You shouldn't feel guilty, and this is just a suggestion. If your ex says something then maybe say that you will consider his kind offer to amend his hours so he can pick them up and drop them at breakfast club. Watch him retreating!.

Original poster
Williesfillies · 01/08/2021 22:52

Sadly it’s a village school in a village with nothing! We aren’t able to walk due to distance and the youngest still needs to go anyway

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 01/08/2021 22:54

Only you can make yourself a failure. No one else has rights to that. Unless they're an examiner I guess.

This reluctance might be coming from your ex's influence on your DD, in which case he can look after her of he's dead against childcare.

I'd be tempted not to call it breakfast club, but rephrase it as 'going to school a bit earlier' to remove the childcare connotations.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 01/08/2021 22:58

9 year old girls are the worst for moaning about how unfair life is. My DC go to breakfast and after school club from time to time and as its not a regular arrangement DD thinks complaining about it will get her out of it. Buy its tough shit. I have to work. She'll get over it.

Frazzled2207 · 01/08/2021 23:00

It’s totally fine
They will get used to it
I know kids who go to breakfast AND after school clubs every day and holiday camps during most of the holidays. Because their parents have no choice. And they’re fine.

Well done on the divorce. Sounds to me like you’re doing a brilliant job.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/08/2021 23:04

Sounds like you played a blinder in getting that shitbag out of your life, so well done you.

I'm with PP: be matter of fact, don't waver. They'll get used to it. And try to shake off whatever your ex's clearly fucked up views on it are. The beauty of not being married to him is that his opinion of you is now worth fuck all. Anyone he tries to make you look bad to by saying that you use childcare, OMG as a working single mum is just going to be thinking, "Yes, and? Fuck off, weirdo."