If your parent went to boarding school, what are they like?

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My dad started boarding school at age 7 (in the 1950s), and went straight from there to university, he never returned to live at home.

I feel awful for saying this, but thinking about ttc has got me thinking about my own upbringing, and if it's "normal" (though whose is??).

My dad is loving in his own way, but he's never said the words "I love you" to me or my siblings. He played with us when we were younger, but as we've grown up it's almost like he can't relate to us as adults? He is very academic and intelligent, but seems to struggle to understand other people's emotions (and I suspect his own). He is retired now, but was a workaholic and even now he has to be 'doing something' in the day. I know it's good to keep busy, but it's a bit martyr like at times: he won't let himself have a lazy morning and a rest if he is tired or unwell; he will make himself garden for hours and then complain about how tired he is, or how his back hurts etc, but if I suggest that maybe that's because he's doing too much he will disagree and say he's lazy etc.

He can be very regimented about certain things, he has to watch the news at 10 live at 10pm for example, not on catch up, it needs to be watched live, even if we are halfway through watching a film. He won't outwardly demand that we change the channel, an example would be:

Him: oh the news is on in 5 minutes.
Me: do you want me to change the channel?
Him: oh no, we're watching this film.

But if I don't then he will sulk. There's other examples of this: him being particular about something with no obvious reason why he's so particular about it, him not clearly expressing what he would actually like, but then having a sulk if he doesn't get his 'own way' (that he will deny is his own way). It sounds silly, but it can be infuriating that he doesn't clearly say what he would prefer, and it makes family things like Christmas and holidays abroad, meals or days out, much more stressful than they need to be.

I'm sure much or some of all this is related to growing up in boarding school and not having much personal control over his day or life. Maybe he finds it hard to express what he actually wants because this was discouraged at school? Sorry for my waffle, just wondering if anyone else has similar experiences of a parent who went to boarding school?

Sounds just like my friends dad, wasn’t at boarding school but didn’t have loving parents, however a lot of it is likely due to undiagnosed ASD for him

My dad went to boarding school aged 7 (in a different country to his parents). I don't think he ever fully recovered.

Not having a close parental bond in those formative years seemed to have a notable effect on him, he was always very insular, and unaware of normal polite social skills. Also very selfish and 'me first'.

Sounds very like my dad who went off to boarding school at 7. Not quite so regimented as you describe but it’s definitely affected his views on family.

He had a respectful but distant relationship with his parents and siblings and I would describe him as a good parent. Played with us and taught us to swim and sail and play tennis and golf.

I think he’s proud of us. My three siblings and I are all successful and happy. But he’s never said it. Never expressed any relationship love, emotion or regret.

I think he values his friends more.

My father went to public school. He never ever said 'I love you' to any of us four children. He did have emotions, but boarding school gives you a distance and a stiff upper lip. You are taught never to make a fuss and just get on with things. I went to public school and am similar. I suppose I am repressed. I hated it, btw.

I work with a very efficient but emotionless woman who went to boarding school from a very young age.

She speaks to her 5 year old son in the same way she speaks to colleagues (very business-like).

I have no idea if that's just 'her' or because she went to boarding school but she'll be sending her son off also in a couple of years.

DH went to public school at 7.

He had a very distant relationship with his parents. They were older parents by the standard of the time (early 40s when he was born). he finds it incredibly hard to express love to our two Dcs. he is much better at expressing love for his dog. But he loves deeply. he is just kind of slightly distant and a bit embarrassed by displays of affection. he is getting better though. He shows love by a very Tiger Father support of the Dcs in things like making sure they are completely safe, and that they have everything they need physically and economically.

he was determined our boys would also go to boarding school. Thank God by the time our eldest was 10 he realised it was a non-starter because DS1 is very severe;y affected by ASD and tourettes as well as having global developmental delay and cognitive issues.

he loves us, For some odd reason he is unbelievably demonstrative and affectionate with me. Not with the Dcs but he is getting better.

He is the best father he knows how to be. He needs support to actually show love, although he defintiely feels it deeply. It can be hard for me, but at the end of the day he has no other aim but his family's happiness and security.

My grandfather went to boarding school. He was similar to pp descriptions. I always put it down to being a different generation, who didn't show emotions. Maybe boarding had an impact too.

yes it might be down to different generations.

DH';s parents were older parents and his mother's parents were older parents also after suffering alot of still births I believe. I think his mother;s parents were born in the 1890s. DH says his upbringing was 'Victorian', rather than a more usual 60's upbringing which it might have been otherwise.

Everything you've written is my mum to an absolute T but she didn't go to boarding school.

My dad didn't but both his brothers did and so did my auntie (his brothers wife) and her sisters. They are all warm/loving etc. (I used to spend a lot of time with them over the summers).

But, they all went to boarding school at 11 or 14 and were only weekly borders. Plus almost all the village kids did too so they knew lots of kids there. (rural Italy, in the 70s. it would have been 1.5h journey each way to get to high school and the roads were often shut due to snow in the winter).

Thank you for replies, interesting to read replies so far. A couple of people have mentioned ASD, not sure that this is the case for my dad, think he might be slightly on the spectrum (think we all are to some degree) but am no diagnosing expert!

"He is the best father he knows how to be." This rings true for my dad too, my mum died when we were younger, so he has had to navigate bringing us up on his own, which must have been very hard to do.

I think it might also be a generational thing. Boarding schools in 1949 must be different worlds to ones in the present day. Even now, my dad regular talks about boarding school and how strict it was etc, but he is also very proud that he went, says how lucky he was to have had a scholarship etc. Though sometimes I wonder if he is trying to convince himself that is really was lucky.

I went to boarding school
I find it very hard to show any negative emotion, less so the positive stuff. I find it almost impossible to ask for help and pride myself on "managing" everything myself. I am definitely repressed, but I do tell my kids I love them and I am demonstrative.
My kids will not be boarding.

"I find it very hard to show any negative emotion, less so the positive stuff. I find it almost impossible to ask for help and pride myself on "managing" everything myself. I am definitely repressed."

This sums me up too, I remember years ago when I was a teenager, a friend told me that it's okay to ask for help sometimes and I didn’t have to do everything myself. It was like a revelation, but I still struggle to seek out help, and hate talking about my feelings in person. I'm determined to finally book some counselling before actually ttc though.

I find it very hard to show any negative emotion, less so the positive stuff. I find it almost impossible to ask for help and pride myself on "managing" everything myself. I am definitely repressed

Exactly the same for me. The impact of boarding school doesn’t end with the borders for sure.

My father went to boarding school at 11 after his parents marriage failed messily. It was also decided that he should live with his father; his sister lived with their mother.

As soon he was 16 he left his boarding school and went to live with his mum (where he did A-levels and went to university).

He is another one who struggles to show any emotion except anger (which is rare), and isn't at all demonstrative..

An older friend who went to boarding school said that she was effectively raised by her peers, and if they weren't pleasant, then nor was your life. She also said that any weakness was pounced on, so you learned not to show it. You may imagine how that plays out in future relationships and child raising.....

My mum went in the 60/70s she’s a supportive and incredibly protective parent even though we are all 30ish now.
She however is very very unaffectionate

Partner's dad has never said I love you and partner would say I'm sure he loves us in his own way. Fil is like an emotionally detached but interested godparent I'd say. Boarding school from 8.

My father didn’t go to boarding school but was pretty much like your dad.
He had a very dysfunctional childhood, an only child whose father had multiple mistresses but a very caring mother.
He would just turn the tv over or off if what we were watching wasn’t to his liking. If we remonstrated he would walk out of the room and my mother would rush to placate him.
He definitely ruled the house and probably bullied my mother to a degree. Definitely no affection from either.

The only upside to my dad boarding in the 1920s and my sister in the 1950s was that they ate anything given to them and cleared their plates! Neither of them showed any affection or said anything loving though my sister was very kind in a rather take it or leave it way. They were both self sufficient and self motivated but neither of them were able to relax in company.

No. Both my parents boarded and are not like this. Don’t forget, children who board still spend approximately 20+ weeks of the year at home!
Very likely to be both generational and the type of family he grew up with (IMO).

Just to add some balance, my dad went to boarding school (though he was born late 50s so would have attended later than yours did) and he is a very loving father and now grandfather, has no problem saying “I love you” face to face, on phone calls, in texts etc, very family orientated, affectionate and generous, greets and says goodbye to all family members with hugs and kisses. But he always speaks about his time at boarding school as fun and happy times (though there were racist incidents as expected to a black boy in Britain at that time)

My mum was a boarder in the mid-late 50s. I got the impression that she enjoyed her time there, but she also felt very strongly that DSis and I wouldn't ever board. Her relationship with her parents was quite distant and I know she resented the fact that she was sent away to school and her brother wasn't.

She was a 'doer' - she didn't stop ever, I think she felt that time spent idle was time wasted. Even when she watched tv she would have a drawer on her lap she was sorting, or do some ironing at the same time.

Unlike PPs parents though, she was very affectionate and told us how much she loved us and how proud she was of us all the time. She said that she wanted a different relationship with us than she'd had with her own parents. We were incredibly close.

My dad went to boarding school
Aged 7. It damaged him emotionally for life. He's a Sensitive soul and he was really damaged by the hierarchy, bullying, lack of care and empathy. He used to tell us stories when we were children from his school days and I always imagined he grew up in an Oliver Twist work house. It was only when I was older I realized it was in fact a public school !

It completely messed my Ddad up. He didn't want to go, he was sent at at the age of 10 with his brother and literally had to be ripped, sobbing, from his mother's arms to be put on the train. He's very closed off, unemotional and cold, doesn't think about other people's feelings, only himself & what he wants. I think part of this is undiagnosed ADHD / ASD to be perfectly honest as well, but he says himself that he has never forgiven his parents and it was the worst thing to ever have happened to him.