If your parent went to boarding school, what are they like?

[FullBoard]

My dad started boarding school at age 7 (in the 1950s), and went straight from there to university, he never returned to live at home.

I feel awful for saying this, but thinking about ttc has got me thinking about my own upbringing, and if it's "normal" (though whose is??).

My dad is loving in his own way, but he's never said the words "I love you" to me or my siblings. He played with us when we were younger, but as we've grown up it's almost like he can't relate to us as adults? He is very academic and intelligent, but seems to struggle to understand other people's emotions (and I suspect his own). He is retired now, but was a workaholic and even now he has to be 'doing something' in the day. I know it's good to keep busy, but it's a bit martyr like at times: he won't let himself have a lazy morning and a rest if he is tired or unwell; he will make himself garden for hours and then complain about how tired he is, or how his back hurts etc, but if I suggest that maybe that's because he's doing too much he will disagree and say he's lazy etc.

He can be very regimented about certain things, he has to watch the news at 10 live at 10pm for example, not on catch up, it needs to be watched live, even if we are halfway through watching a film. He won't outwardly demand that we change the channel, an example would be:

Him: oh the news is on in 5 minutes.
Me: do you want me to change the channel?
Him: oh no, we're watching this film.

But if I don't then he will sulk. There's other examples of this: him being particular about something with no obvious reason why he's so particular about it, him not clearly expressing what he would actually like, but then having a sulk if he doesn't get his 'own way' (that he will deny is his own way). It sounds silly, but it can be infuriating that he doesn't clearly say what he would prefer, and it makes family things like Christmas and holidays abroad, meals or days out, much more stressful than they need to be.

I'm sure much or some of all this is related to growing up in boarding school and not having much personal control over his day or life. Maybe he finds it hard to express what he actually wants because this was discouraged at school? Sorry for my waffle, just wondering if anyone else has similar experiences of a parent who went to boarding school?

Both my parents went to boarding school. Neither of them ever told us they love us. I don’t remember ever hugging my dad and my mum hardly ever hugs me or my brother. I tell my DS I love him every day and we are very cuddly. It’s the weirdest thing, my dad never so much as held my son but my mum will give him a hug if he goes to her, because he is a cuddly child who is used to showing and giving affection. My dad was away for work a lot and my parents could have easily sent us to board as well as we lived abroad for our whole childhoods (diplomat’s children) but for some reason she kept us with her and we went to multiple schools as a result. Dad was v sporty and we spent a lot of time as children watching him do sport and mum was always at home with us. It was a strange peripatetic childhood with a frequently physically absent father and a present but emotionally distant mother. It’s the last thing I would want for my son. It’s so important to me that he knows he is loved and cherished.

DH went to boarding school. It damaged his relationship with his parents and it has made it really hard for him to cope emotionally.
He is a wonderful father but it has not come easily. He wanted so much more for his own children than he had himself. Boarding school was completely out of the question. It has taken a lot of reflection and work on himself to be the father he wanted to be.

@SurferWoman

These boarding school threads are depressing.

My DCs went to boarding school, had amazing opportunities, great fun and loved every minute.

They are currently at university and are kind, thoughtful, confident, high-achieving, well-balanced young people with a wide range of interests.

Please remember, boarding school in the 1950s,1980s whatever has very little relevance to the experience children have today.

Mine too, Surfer.

We have intentionally parented differently too

Surfer/Boardingschool this thread does say its about parents who went to boarding school so it will be of a different era. Sadly there are so many similar stories from that time.

My parents were born in the 20s and both boarded, and my father did not see his parents at all from age 12 to 18.
They were both loving and kind, affectionate and tactile, though I would say my father was a private man. My father said he never felt he had his own home growing up, but that didn’t seem to cause any sort of issues other than maybe a sadness and unsettledness, which he certainly did not reveal to us but which I can perhaps see in hindsight.
I don’t think it’s boarding though - previous generations had different societal expectations on what was considered acceptable behaviour. My mother had a very different upbringing but still boarded from a young age and was very much able to express her feelings!
Your father doesn’t sound that much older than me - he would have been part of the ‘free love’ generation after all! So maybe it’s just his personality as much as his environment.

Seem to have hit a nerve with a couple of people. If your children went to boarding school and it was a positive experience for them, then great.

This thread is specifically asking about people's experiences of having a parent who boarded though. I've acknowledged that boarding school must be a very different experience now to what it was in the 1950s. My dad has talked about getting the cane, only being allowed to write home once a week, and not seeing his parents for months at a time. Nowadays that would be classed (rightfully) as physical and emotional abuse/neglect.

I had an uncle who boarded at 7 and said it was basically child abuse and fucked him up.

I always thought it was too young and then when I had kids knew I could never let them go at that age. My son is now 11 and could have boarded for secondary school, I think he would have fared ok as he's sociable and gets on with everyone and is quite independent but he's also still young and sometimes needs the affection and security of home. My youngest definitely would never cope.

DH boarded as a teen and I think enjoyed it but admits he was escaping a crap home life. He is also fiercely independent and undemonstrative but I'd say that was down to other aspects of his upbringing rather than just school. He's always been affectionate to the kids and is a really good dad to them considering what poor examples his parents proved to be.

Your father doesn’t sound that much older than me - he would have been part of the ‘free love’ generation after all! So maybe it’s just his personality as much as his environment.

Sorry to sound dim, what's the free love generation? He was born in 1943. The boarding schools that he went to were all religious and he is still very religious now; I definitely don't think the concept of a free love generation applies to him!

My parents both went to boarding school. They are completely normal, my friends used to love hanging out and sleeping over at my house!

I spent a couple of years in boarding school too so their own experience didn't put them off.

They do laugh that the food was generally grim.

My mum is exactly like this. Didn’t go to boarding school. I did, and had a wonderful time, and tell my DS I love him about 50 times a day 🤷‍♀️

Hmm, I think a lot of these personality traits are typically British? Emotionally distant?

My dad is very emotionally distant and never went near a boarding school! Also obsessed with keeping busy etc etc.

I know of two people who went very young. Aged 7. And also have friends who have parents who went young. All said it was damaging.

My dad was sent away at 7, parents in the armed forces and were mostly on the other side of the world. His sister was kept with them for a while
Dad was still there aged 11 when he was taken to the heads office and told his father had died, and that was that.

I do wonder if the boys had it worse than girls because dad's female cousins etc all seem a bit less....damaged by it; perhaps the staff were kinder in girls schools? Aged 75 my dad is now increasingly odd, always reserved - I remember going to find him one birthday party and he was reading the FT on the sofa, completely distanced from everyone.

My DH was sent at 8 and now nearly aged 40 I find myself grappling with his emotions and a real sense of abandonment. He is also becoming a bit distant - not too bothered about his own parents life events, family etc because that's how they were with him, but I've had to point out that if we don't show we care about our parents generation, our own boys won't learn to celebrate these things either. It is a very hard thing to reintroduce some sense of emotion and feeling back into a family.

Neigh I think that's really interesting observation. I have to remind myself my dad doesn't know about family birthdays/occasions as he just didn't really have them. And certainly not the close relationship I have with my kids. Its a fine line between not seeing my father as its damaging to me and seeing him because we ought to.

Im v close with my kids but it dies feel like we don't have wider family!

Ex who is dd father went in late 60's

Long line of family generations to go to the most expensive BS's

He is seriously fucked up, He see's saying sorry as a weakness. Can't be wrong....Wasn't shown much affection by seriously twisted family.

Stoic

An awful father

I think he was probably bullied, rarely ever talked of his experiences.

He went at 7 100 miles away from home. Only returning for long school holidays.

Awful man

Apologies

I'm projecting somewhat

I never ask for help, and absolutely loathe talking about myself. I didn’t go to boarding school - it’s just who I am!

My Dad went to boarding school, and hated it. My Mum also went, and loved it. She made it sound like a St Clare’s / Malory Towers fun-fest.

Neither of my parents were effusive with the ‘I love yous’ but they very much showed and demonstrated it and behaved lovingly, which is the most important thing.

I’m really loathe to ascribe too much to the boarding school experience, as opposed to innate personality.

My mum is the same age as your dad OP. She went to boarding school as a child and is a very loving and affectionate mother to me and my brother.

However, she didn't attend boarding school all the way through - it was for a few years when she was young due to specific family circumstances. It did have a negative effect on her relationship with her own parents.

Your dad sounds like mine in many ways. Mine didn't go to boarding school though. Very strict, religious upbringing. Brilliant mind. His father was a pillar of the community. Married a "suitable" wife (that he is utterly miserable with but would never divorce). Does not "do" affection at all (he isn't very comfortable with touch and certainly wouldn't ever say "I love you").

As with others above, he may be on the ASD spectrum (1 of 5 kids in my generation and 4 of 7 kids in the generation below me are).

As others have said, boarding 50s style doesn't exist any more (thank goodness). My sister boarded in the 90s and absolutely thrived on it.

There is a lot of research about the damage done by boarding schools on the past (especially if boarded at 7.) Just google "boarding school trauma."

It isnt really a random idea from mumsnet.

I think most people can understand if you take a child at 7 and put them into a harsh environment (as many were then) cane them whenever they do anything wrong and dont show too much love (emphasis on british stiff upper lip/stoicism) and see family rarely then it will affect you!! Boarding schools today have learnt from this and are SO different.

Both my parents went in the 50s from age 7. My mum tells us awful stories about hers where they had to strip the bed every morning, had to wash in cold water in a bowl, bath once a week, not allowed to go to the toilet in the night, forced to finish their plates all the time including gristle, had letters home monitored so they couldn’t say anything to upset their parents. Mum was a bit wild so probably got into trouble and met the boundaries more. She’s very loving but very needy emotionally.
My dad is very stiff upper lip and only recently mentioned being abused by older boys. He’s very much a doer and is a member of loads of clubs and networks, always researching things and learning skills. My parents divorced when we were young and every weekend we would be at museums, doing activities, playing games, sailing etc. I can remember going to a friend’s house and her parents were together and her dad was reading the paper. I could remember saying to mine you never do that when we’re with you. He was also very loving and given bear hugs. But we don’t talk about difficult things. My brother got mentally ill when we were teenagers and that was all very difficult. We never talk about that time or his death. But I’m ok with that, I don’t want to either. My mum on the other hand constantly wants to talk about painful things and it’s completely draining.

Fryme where is your autism statistic from? I'm really curious as it forms part of soemthing I teach and I think officially it is 1 in 100 currently. I wouldn't be surprised if if is a lot higher (but I do now see autistic traits everywhere so could be just me...)

Oh sorry Fryme - just realised you meant in your family. I thought you meant wider generation. D'oh ignore me sorry.

I do think effects of trauma and autism can look similar.

My father went to boarding school in the 50s, he went on to have a very successful professional career....

But as a parent, son and husband? he was a monster, he blamed his schooling for everything, he cried when he was sent away and pleaded with his parents not to send him away but they did and he never forgave them.

My parents split up when i was still at primary school and i ve never seen him since.

If i was a multi millionaire, i d never have sent my kids to boarding school - whats the point of having children if someone else brings them up?

I went to boarding school from 11-18. The effects are huge but it has taken me a long time to realise that.
I echo comments above that one of the main things is I really struggle to ask for help and am most at ease doing everything myself. It impacts on my marriage because I am no good at sharing tasks with my husband, and I am bad at handling things done his way (he is a bit domestically challenged though).

However, with regard to affection for my own three children, I think I’ve over compensated for the coldness of my own childhood. I tell them I love them a lot, we are a very loving and affectionate family. As babies I bedshared and breastfed quite a long time. We love spending time together and I could never ever let them be away from home like I was.