If your parent went to boarding school, what are they like?

[FullBoard]

My dad started boarding school at age 7 (in the 1950s), and went straight from there to university, he never returned to live at home.

I feel awful for saying this, but thinking about ttc has got me thinking about my own upbringing, and if it's "normal" (though whose is??).

My dad is loving in his own way, but he's never said the words "I love you" to me or my siblings. He played with us when we were younger, but as we've grown up it's almost like he can't relate to us as adults? He is very academic and intelligent, but seems to struggle to understand other people's emotions (and I suspect his own). He is retired now, but was a workaholic and even now he has to be 'doing something' in the day. I know it's good to keep busy, but it's a bit martyr like at times: he won't let himself have a lazy morning and a rest if he is tired or unwell; he will make himself garden for hours and then complain about how tired he is, or how his back hurts etc, but if I suggest that maybe that's because he's doing too much he will disagree and say he's lazy etc.

He can be very regimented about certain things, he has to watch the news at 10 live at 10pm for example, not on catch up, it needs to be watched live, even if we are halfway through watching a film. He won't outwardly demand that we change the channel, an example would be:

Him: oh the news is on in 5 minutes.
Me: do you want me to change the channel?
Him: oh no, we're watching this film.

But if I don't then he will sulk. There's other examples of this: him being particular about something with no obvious reason why he's so particular about it, him not clearly expressing what he would actually like, but then having a sulk if he doesn't get his 'own way' (that he will deny is his own way). It sounds silly, but it can be infuriating that he doesn't clearly say what he would prefer, and it makes family things like Christmas and holidays abroad, meals or days out, much more stressful than they need to be.

I'm sure much or some of all this is related to growing up in boarding school and not having much personal control over his day or life. Maybe he finds it hard to express what he actually wants because this was discouraged at school? Sorry for my waffle, just wondering if anyone else has similar experiences of a parent who went to boarding school?

Yup my dad is very successful career wise and even socially in his "set." But horrendous father.

Mine went to boarding school at the same age.
I think it does affect them deeply.
Mine is not family orientated in the way that other dads are. His joy wouldn't come from seeing us ride a bike for the first time for example. He wouldn't be wondering if we were safe or wanting to taxi us around.
It's hard to explain as he is loving and kind it's more that we are not at the forefront of his mind. I would say his priorities are enjoying his own hobbies, his animals, friends and then us as an afterthought almost.

My dad boarded in the 50s on a scholarship much like yours OP. He also never knew his dad, which I think is relevant as he didn’t have a father figure to model behaviour.

I don’t recall him ever telling me he loves me outright, but he shows that he does all the time. I’m still an absolute Daddy’s girl but I also have 3 brothers and he spoiled them as much as he did me growing up. He was physically affectionate too, plenty of cuddles and bedtime stories and he played with us all the time. He was and is a brilliant dad, and as I said he was disadvantaged by not having known his own dad. Boarding school definitely didn’t fuck him up.

As parents ourselves now my brothers and I all tell our DC all the time that we love them, but that’s the only major difference in my parenting vs my Dad.

I was at boarding school in the 1990s. There is nothing that could ever change about boarding schools that would change the fact that from an unnaturally young age you have to detach from your family and ‘home’. Your moral guidance and support comes from other children. Incidentally I did love being at boarding school and would never ever tell my family how I truly feel. I was very successful there, head girl, lots of extra curricular etc but no one would know the sadness it causes me every day to think I missed out on half a childhood with my mum and in my own home.

((((Butwhatcanwedo))))) I am glad your experience was a good one though. I do wonder at parents who say on mn how much their kids like it and are successful whether they would feel like you if asked (not by their parents!)

I think its a whole different issue with modern boarding schools though. Sometimes if parents are working long hours/ abroad it may seem the best option as the alternative wouldn't be as good?

My dad went to boarding school, he's nothing like you describe your father as.

From a dysfunctional family, but my mum's family sorted him out!

I think it very much depends on so many factors, my dad never had any love, attention or affection from his parents, and yet he has been wonderful to me. He does have a foul temper though.

Boarding school in the 40s and 50s was brutal. My dad was beaten often and won't really talk about about his experiences there except to say is was awful. He enjoyed secondary but being beaten and away from parents aged 6 was very damaging. It was nothing like boarding houses nowadays.

Mine particularly struggles with talking through a plan and taking other people's views into consideration. Even something as simple as going for a walk, I would go about it by talking to others and seeing where they want to go, whereas he just decides where we go.
I'm guessing that this decision making and negotiation is something that you learn in a family setting and he missed that

My dad went to boarding school. He was a normal dad for his era, for his own family and social 'set' it was the thing to be a distant dad in those days (50s and early 60s). I know he did have the odd struggle during his teenage boarding years but I doubt whether it affected his 'fathering' of my sister and I, it was much more to do with how his very high-brow family dealt with everyone, and that was his model.

Some of the things you have described in your op I personally think are down to different reasons, not to the boarding school.

It is fashionable for those who hate the idea of boarding school, or who have suffered because they've boarded themselves and the experience was crap, to knock the whole thing. But boarding schools have changed down the decades, some were pretty awful places even in the 80s (fagging was only banned in that decade) but not all of them.

I have worked in many boarding schools and these days many modern schools are absolutely lovely, very warm and friendly places where youngsters have fun and build family bonds amongst friends. There are some very close and loving families who send their children to boarding school, and whose children are friendly, balanced and very loving throughout their time there, and who will build close and loving families when they grow up. There are also the complete opposite, of course.

Yes, a poor boarding school can be a miserable experience and will have an effect. But a good one won't, and it is debateable how much the experience affects a person's ability as a parent afterwards. I still think family background and a person's own character has an even bigger effect.

My Mum boarded as a teenager (from about 12 I think). Started as a day girl, but begged her parents to board. Loved it, is still in contact with some of her friends and couldn’t understand why my DB and I didn’t want to board. She’s warm and spontaneous and a great mother. The only side effect I can think of is that she has no relationship with her younger sister who appeared with no warning one year when she returned for the holidays.

Her own mother boarded from a very young age (7 I think) and was a very regulated and emotionally closed off woman. However her reasons for boarding (abandonment by both parents) would have played a part in that too.

My own DC don’t board and I am glad of that, but we have a lovely state boarding school on our doorstep and I hope they choose to board there for sixth form.

Thanks it’s quite complicated probably to understand, but I think partly my success was due to my need to live up to expectations and make the best of it for my mum’s sake, and also as a distraction from the everyday misery. Also there was huge pressure. I am just pointing out that what looks good from outside may actually be abysmal and the effects may worsen over time.
I was on two scholarships and I can’t believe that when my grades weren’t ‘good enough’ (I’m talking not top marks in the first term when I had just arrived and had terrible homesickness) I was threatened with having the scholarships removed - what a thing to do to a distressed child.
I visited lately, it was the weekend, and a couple of girls told me, a complete stranger but they obviously thought I’d understand, how miserable they were.

There's boarding school and boarding school.

I went home pretty much every weekend.

My parents went home for the holidays, but had relatives or friends taking them out most weekends when they wanted to. They used to received a "birthday package" when it was their birthday, and they had a proper party at home every time they came back.

There is a huge amount of difference in people, independent of the school they attended. I think this thread will attract the highly anti-boarding crowd.

My parents in law are both quite distant with dh, never show any emotion or discuss anything emotive and none of them went to a boarding school.

There is also a big difference in ‘old fashioned’ boarding and modern boarding with frequent visits home, technology allowing communication etc. The holidays are 19-20wks a year.

My father boarded from 13, he is not distant and is very loving.

My cousin boarded from 8 (choir school then well known boarding from 13) and is the most wonderful father. I wish I could be as great a parent as he is!

Not to mention that there are lots of people around who had a very dysfunctional relationship with parents whilst living with them full time!

My partner was at boarding school from seven. He is very loving but thinks I’m extremely odd for having emotional reactions to things that don’t concern me. So can watch something very sad, say ‘yes that’s sad’ but have no outward emotion otherwise. He said he had to switch that side of himself off at school as otherwise the home sickness was too bad.

I’ve never seen him cry although I have seen him upset. A switch definitely got switched but as a person he is warm, loving, engaged with the children. Had an extremely close relationship with both his parents.

If you look at the title it is specifically about experience of parents who boarded. Its not an "is boarding good or bad" thread or even about modern day boarding. Many have said it is different today, myself included!

A lot of people's parents have similar traits after boarding in those times (I think you'd agree being beaten at 7 and told not to cry at night etc is harsh.) So i guess by extent many of these posts will be negative. I dont think that's fair to say its attracting an "anti-boarding" crowd though as such. Unless they're anti having seen the resulfs of a previous generation I guess.

@ChocolateHoneycomb Very true, lots of shite parents who never went nr a boarding school.
I also think age matters and the temperament of the child too.

My point is that i really don't see why anyone would have kids if they are bought up (for the majority of the time) by other people.

Meandering, I’m trying to say it doesn’t matter what the actual school experience is like or what you got out of it in a practical or academic sense or whether you made friends and had fun. If you were at boarding school you were not brought up in a family environment which has a big impact on development and future life. At boarding school you did not have time afforded to listen to your problems or just about your day by your parents. No hugs from parents each day. It’s unnatural. I think homesickness is totally trivialised. When you arrive and are homesick you are realising that your family aren’t there any more and you don’t have the grounding of home. It’s huge for children to deal with that.
It might be ok for some people and of course our establishment is chock full of ex boarders but I want my own children to have a normal closeness with us and each other and the stability of home life. Family dinners not a refectory.

Sounds like my MIL. Lovely lovely women terribly scarred by attending boarding school from 7. I cannot imagine sending my 7 year old away, it breaks my heart. She has had lifelong MH issues and life is very hard for her. Everything mentioned above really, inability to express emotion until she breaks down, never really told DH she loved him, does not seek help until at breaking point, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia. Very hard for her and everyone involved.

She explicitly links these to her Boarding School experiences by the way, has talked of being traumatised by then.

Surely back then it was common for parents not to say I love you or show much affection? Weren’t children canned in normal school as well not just boarding.
Those that went to boarding school were probably from the same background, wealthy middle/upper class family. Would they have shown much affection if their children had stayed at home. I’d imagine they’d still be emotionally distant.

Mine did. Hot on the heels of his father dying young and it being handled very badly by all the adults in his life. A traumatic childhood and boarding at 11 on top of that. I’m told that he didn’t want to have his own children because he wasn’t sure that he had the skills needed to be a parent. When he changed his mind (or life changed it for him, that part is unclear) he turned out to be a great dad. He was, and continues to be, prickly and grouchy and I remember all my friends being scared of him. But for whatever reason that never mattered very much. I don’t think he was particularly hands on with us, but in all the important ways he was great. Practical, supportive, wise and we have always felt loved, valued, supported and that we are a source of huge pride for him, despite the fact that he doesn’t have the emotional wherewithal to say that out loud. I consider myself very fortunate.