Husband vs dad

[Sami561]

Hello everyone,

First time poster on here so forgive me if I haven't posted this in the right place... Looking for some advice during a really difficult period in my life. Will try to make this as short as possible but apologies in advance as I know it is going to be a lengthy post!

My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter who has not been a great sleeper since she was 6 months old (waking up 8+ times per night at times) and its placed a great strain upon our relationship- especially as I have been the one dealing with the sleep deprivation at nights whilst nothing seemed to change for my husband.

Anyway, earlier this year me and my husband had a bad day of arguing and I had reached breaking point and wanted some time away for a night, so I took me and my daughter to my parents for the night, telling my husband, (whilst en route) that I would be back the following day.

To cut a long story short, my husband arrived at my parents saying I had no right to take his daughter without his permission and I asked him to leave, he wouldn't, so we had this awkward argument in front of my parents where I was stood at the bottom of the stairs and my husband was telling me to move out the way as he was going upstairs to get our daughter and take her home (she was in bed at this point as it was 9.30pm).
My husband was being polite to my parents, initially, and apologised for this happening in front of them, but then my dad just totally lost it and started to threaten my husband to get out of the house and my dad also hit my husband. My husband did not respond in a physical way to my dad but was goading him for the duration of the argument, which I have to say was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I couldn't believe the two men I love the most were at each others throats.

In the end my husband went upstairs, got our child, and drove away. I stayed at my parent's house that night and went home the following morning.

When I got home the following day my husband made it clear to me that my dad would never see our child again, and if I wanted our child to see my dad then our marriage would be over. He subsequently stopped our child seeing my dad for 2.5 months. During this time my dad offered to apologise for his actions multiple times acknowledging that he lost it (and I know he was influenced by my going there and sharing with my parents the lack of support I have had from my husband in terms of the sleep deprivation)- though I acknowledge this is not a justification for my dad's actions.
However my husband said he would not accept my dad's apology and has continued to call him an array of vile and hurtful names since that awful night.

My parents have been patient during the last 3 months, hoping that time would heal things but, for my husband, it's like that awful night happened yesterday, like no time has passed at all.

Me and my husband have gone back and forth since that night, saying we will separate, then saying we will try and stay together, then separating again. I have sought advice from a family law solicitor about my husband banning my dad from seeing our child, and have also had an appointment with a financial advisor.

The recent update from my husband is that he says my dad can see our child once a week for childcare, but cannot see her any other time of the year outside of this-and he then told me I need to distance myself from my dad for the rest of our lives, otherwise our marriage is over and he will file for divorce as he sees that as not being loyal to him after what my dad did.

I feel totally torn, and can see both my husband's and my dad's perspectives on that night. My dad was trying to defend me but went about it in totally the wrong way, and my husband was so close to my dad and felt shocked that the man he loved had behaved this way.

Just to give some extra context- me and my husband have been together for 18 years (5 married) and, prior to that awful night, my husband and dad were so so close- my husband saw him as another father figure and my dad saw him as the son he never had. So the repercussions this has had for the whole immediate family is huge.
My husband's family have been validating his feelings and saying they "understand" why he stopped our child seeing my dad.

I don't want to separate from my husband, but equally don't feel my dad should be punished for the rest of his life and feel it's unfair for my husband to drive a wedge between me and my dad. I feel at a loss as to what to do.

If anyone has been in any similar situations, or has any advice I would really appreciate it, as I am utterly heartbroken at the divide in our family and the impact this will have on life going forward in so many ways.

Please, no negative comments- I know I had a role in going to my parents in the first place that night, hindsight is a wonderful thing 😢

Thanks in advance

What a difficult situation; I can see it from both sides and I completely understand how your DH initially reacted after being hit. I do think that now though he’s taking it too far; to say your dad can do childcare but not see your DD apart from that is quite controlling. I also wonder if his reaction is a cover for what was pretty shitty behaviour in terms of arriving at your parents and demanding to take back your DD at 9.30 at night.

What a difficult position to be in. It's hard to feel torn between both sides. I can see your DH's side of things. Do you not think he is entitled to time to forgive and rebuild the relationship with your father, if he wants to? If they were such good friends before perhaps given time, they will find their way back but definitely won't if the reconciliation is forced on your husband or if you separate from him. If the situation was reversed, how much time would you need to forgive your FIL for hitting you and to have everything back to how it was? Could you ever forgive this? Would things ever be the same between you and your FIL? Your DH has relented and your DF can now see your DC once a week. That really isn't such a small amount of time for your parents to spend with their DGC especially given the difficult circumstances. Maybe given time to forgive, they will eventually get more time. But I think it is right for it to be at your DH's pace. Also, your DH seems capable of caring for your DC on his own. Perhaps you both can focus on how to share your DC's nighttime and other household roles so you are not always exhausted and needing parental support.

Your poor child being caught in the middle of all this!

Me and my husband have gone back and forth since that night, saying we will separate, then saying we will try and stay together, then separating again.

She's 2 years old and this sort of thing is really going to fuck her up mentally and emotionally unless you two get a grip on this and soon.

As for your husband not allowing your dad to see your daughter, I can completely understand this as if my MIL was ever violent to me, hell would freeze over before she saw my kids again.

But your husband is a hypocrite if he's happy to use your dad for childcare.

Um, I don't think you had a role by going to your parents actually. It's very interesting that you are being pulled from two or three sides here but actually your feelings are not central to the story you're telling. I mean, no question your dad shouldn't've hit your H but how was your argument with your H so bad that you had to get away? It seems rather convenient that this started out with you feeling unsupported and it's turned round into a drama between the two men in your life rather than focusing on what you and your child need. Is your husband nice usually? Does your dad thump people usually?

Your relationships sounds absolutely fucked up. It’s not even close to normal to turn up at your in-laws at 9:30 at night and rant that their child (you) has taken dd “without permission” and try to storm upstairs and drag a 2yo out of bed. If a man turned up at my house raving like that I’d put them on their arse too.

On the other hand if my FIL hit me I wouldn’t want him to see dd either. But because I don’t like violent men around my kids (IMO both men are violent even though only one did the punching). Your dh doesn’t seem arsed about your dad seeing dd so long as it’s childcare. It’s about punishing your dad, not protecting your child, which is so messed up I don’t know where to begin.

I don’t think you can depend on either man to put either you or your dd first. Especially your dh. You are going to have to be the one to look after you and dd and provide some stability.

I think your dad thought he was sticking up for you. Why have you been dealing with all the wake ups every night?

Your DH sounds like he has control issues. Your DD isn't a possession but he treated her like she is. Your relationship being so on and off will be really terrible for your DD. I think your priority needs to be to her, and that separating is the right thing to do here.

Your husband is controlling and using your daughter. This isn’t right or healthy. You need to make a decision. Personally, I’d be looking at leaving based on what you’ve said. Your husband is using your daughter as a pawn and to me that’s unacceptable.

If your DH was concerned about his DDs welfare with his FIL, that would be one thing. He would be prioritising her safety. But he's using the man for childcare. So this is all about him and his hurt.

You must go to marriage counseling.

I’m guessing that your DH is so annoyed because he’s been exposed as the controlling twat he is, and clearly your father has seen him for who he really is.

he’s annoyed with you because you went against him and went to your parents, hence him turning up and making threats and pushing you to the point your father hit him. If someone turned up at my house like that I’d want to deck the bastard as well.

I’m guessing that you rarely argue with your DH for a quiet life,and that he’s not used to you disagreeing with him. I don’t imagine this is the first time that he’s shown how controlling he is. And there is absolutely no way on this earth I would have let him take the child home, I would have called the police and had him removed.

How dare he give you ultimatums and in the same breath say that he’s happy to use your father for childcare. Clearly this isn’t about him or his feelings, he’s trying to prove a point and assert his control.

Personally I would get rid.

Your DH doesn't seem nice at all.

Who did he think he was to say you couldn't take DD with you to your parents for one night???

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. You had two years of sleep deprivation during which your DH did nothing to support, to the extent, you felt you would be better supported with your parents for a night? That is completely reasonable and the person in the wrong here is your DH who responded to that by storming into your parents home demanding his child back.

Take your dad out of the equation for a minute. What do YOU want? Is your dh a good husband and father? Does he add value to your and your dd's lives? Do you see a happy positive supportive marriage with him? If so then I'd suggest you and your dh seek some therapy.

If not stop focussing on the issues between the two men. Put your and yours ds's needs first and act accordingly.

Leave your husband.

He’s a controlling knob. He has the right to not want to see your dad again after how he was treated but no right to say you shouldn’t have a relationship. I could understand more if this was based on a long history of them not getting on but it was a one off situation badly handled by everyone. Your husband also had no right to come and take your daughter back instantly. And your dad being allowed to do childcare because it suits him but no other relationship 😂

Divorce him, just rip of that band aid and stop fannying around. You obviously will have the support of your parents. Could you not get solicitors advice for shared custody and move in with them for a short period?

So so sorry that you're going through this. Sounds like a nightmare. I agree with everyone else. Your dad definitely shouldn't have gotten physical with DH. However, DH shouldn't have turned up demanding DD be removed from a place she's safe and with you at 9:30pm when she's already in bed. If you and DH separate now, he sounds like the sort of person that will be a nightmare to co-parent with and will try to enforce rules more as a form of punishment rather than because they make sense... e.g letting DD see your dad only if it's for babysitting services. DH is being unreasonable to expect you to cut ties with the man who gave you life. That's very controlling. Has he exhibited controlling or spiteful behaviour before?

Based on what you've said I think your DH is not a nice person and controlling, your dad should not have been violent but he was defending his child. I'd be divorcing.

What your Dad did was wrong, there is never an excuse for violence.
However your husband sounds like an controlling abusive twat, no good father takes their child from their bed whilst asleep!
He’s turning up the control and weaponising your child, OP I don’t say this lightly but you need to leave as this controlling behaviour will get worse, your poor child doesn’t need or deserve this.

Sounds like you husband has a streak of stubbornness in him. Could they meet up for a coffee in a neutral place and chat about it in an adult way. You Dad was doing what he thought best ( sticking up for his daughter )
Perhaps with hindsight your husband could see that he would do the same if the situation were to happen in the future with his daughter.

You are married to a controlling bully. Your father's behaviour was poor but he had watched you being bullied and felt helpless.

Divorce the abusive prick.

Has your husband become any more of a parent - is he helping to settle your child so that you can get proper sleep?
If not he is still not helping satisfying that fundamental need and you should leave him.
If he has now stepped up as a parent then you should go for counselling on your own with a view to deciding what to do next.

What your Dad did was wrong, there is never an excuse for violence. I think that in the right circumstances we could all be pushed to violence. It might not be ok on the face of it but the real world often doesn’t work like that.

If someone stormed into your house and started threatening your child and making demands can you honestly say that it wouldn’t occur to you to use force against them?

The OP had gone to her parents to get away from her husband for the night. But instead of sleeping on it, the husband stormed round there and was happy to drag a two year old from her bed just to prove that he was in control. And people are blaming the dad here? Come on.

What he actually should have done is call the police and have the husband removed. As it’s not the husband’s house the police would have removed him and warned him not to go back. But I’m guessing that the dad acted in the spur of the moment, and probably out of shock that his son-in-law is clearly a nasty threatening bully. And he probably realised that this isn’t the first time he’s behaved like this to the OP and so the mask has slipped and the dad has seen him for the 1st time.

And the husband isn’t demanding apologies, he’s making sure that the OP stays loyal to him, and loses the protection and support of her father by demanding she never see him again. The violence has absolutely nothing to do with that.

To cut a long story short, my husband arrived at my parents saying I had no right to take his daughter without his permission

The issue between your husband & dad aside, your husband is a controlling twat. You are not his property and you don't need his 'permission' to do anything. Especially to divorce him.

I wouldn't stay with someone who told me I couldn't take our child anywhere without his permission or not allow them them to see their grandparents. When respect is not given, then love dies. Your father's violent behaviour is another matter but he was trying to protect his daughter, grandchild and prevent someone entering his home without permission. Personally, I'd go and leave with the grandparents as there seems no coming back from this.

Leave..........it will only get worse. He is trying to alienate you from your family, friends will be next. He wants you to be dependent on him alone and he will continue to call the shots. He is using your child to control you. I can't believe you allowed him to take your child away from your parent's house!!!
I've been there and took far too long to realise what was happening to me, I wish Mumsnet had been around all those years ago..........I may have left sooner.

live with the grandparents