Husband vs dad

[Sami561]

Hello everyone,

First time poster on here so forgive me if I haven't posted this in the right place... Looking for some advice during a really difficult period in my life. Will try to make this as short as possible but apologies in advance as I know it is going to be a lengthy post!

My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter who has not been a great sleeper since she was 6 months old (waking up 8+ times per night at times) and its placed a great strain upon our relationship- especially as I have been the one dealing with the sleep deprivation at nights whilst nothing seemed to change for my husband.

Anyway, earlier this year me and my husband had a bad day of arguing and I had reached breaking point and wanted some time away for a night, so I took me and my daughter to my parents for the night, telling my husband, (whilst en route) that I would be back the following day.

To cut a long story short, my husband arrived at my parents saying I had no right to take his daughter without his permission and I asked him to leave, he wouldn't, so we had this awkward argument in front of my parents where I was stood at the bottom of the stairs and my husband was telling me to move out the way as he was going upstairs to get our daughter and take her home (she was in bed at this point as it was 9.30pm).
My husband was being polite to my parents, initially, and apologised for this happening in front of them, but then my dad just totally lost it and started to threaten my husband to get out of the house and my dad also hit my husband. My husband did not respond in a physical way to my dad but was goading him for the duration of the argument, which I have to say was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I couldn't believe the two men I love the most were at each others throats.

In the end my husband went upstairs, got our child, and drove away. I stayed at my parent's house that night and went home the following morning.

When I got home the following day my husband made it clear to me that my dad would never see our child again, and if I wanted our child to see my dad then our marriage would be over. He subsequently stopped our child seeing my dad for 2.5 months. During this time my dad offered to apologise for his actions multiple times acknowledging that he lost it (and I know he was influenced by my going there and sharing with my parents the lack of support I have had from my husband in terms of the sleep deprivation)- though I acknowledge this is not a justification for my dad's actions.
However my husband said he would not accept my dad's apology and has continued to call him an array of vile and hurtful names since that awful night.

My parents have been patient during the last 3 months, hoping that time would heal things but, for my husband, it's like that awful night happened yesterday, like no time has passed at all.

Me and my husband have gone back and forth since that night, saying we will separate, then saying we will try and stay together, then separating again. I have sought advice from a family law solicitor about my husband banning my dad from seeing our child, and have also had an appointment with a financial advisor.

The recent update from my husband is that he says my dad can see our child once a week for childcare, but cannot see her any other time of the year outside of this-and he then told me I need to distance myself from my dad for the rest of our lives, otherwise our marriage is over and he will file for divorce as he sees that as not being loyal to him after what my dad did.

I feel totally torn, and can see both my husband's and my dad's perspectives on that night. My dad was trying to defend me but went about it in totally the wrong way, and my husband was so close to my dad and felt shocked that the man he loved had behaved this way.

Just to give some extra context- me and my husband have been together for 18 years (5 married) and, prior to that awful night, my husband and dad were so so close- my husband saw him as another father figure and my dad saw him as the son he never had. So the repercussions this has had for the whole immediate family is huge.
My husband's family have been validating his feelings and saying they "understand" why he stopped our child seeing my dad.

I don't want to separate from my husband, but equally don't feel my dad should be punished for the rest of his life and feel it's unfair for my husband to drive a wedge between me and my dad. I feel at a loss as to what to do.

If anyone has been in any similar situations, or has any advice I would really appreciate it, as I am utterly heartbroken at the divide in our family and the impact this will have on life going forward in so many ways.

Please, no negative comments- I know I had a role in going to my parents in the first place that night, hindsight is a wonderful thing 😢

Thanks in advance

You need to leave him, he should not control you and your child this way.

my dad offered to apologise for his actions multiple times acknowledging that he lost it

Has your dad actually apologised to your husband?

I think your marriage is already over.

You husband had no right to force his way into someone else's house. I don't condone violence, but I would be violent to protect my child and grandchild.

Your husband sounds controlling and like a bully. Do you want this relationship to be the model your dd uses for all her future relationships?

Whist your df should not have resorted to physical violence I cannot believe your dh turned up and insisted on removing your sleeping child from your parent's house. Sorry you are in this situation, but I could not live with a man like this.

Your marriage has been in trouble for a while. Your husband has known that for 18 months you have been utterly sleep deprived due to the child you have together waking up 8 times a night, yet he’s not stepped up as a husband or father. Then when you got to breaking point, looked for the support of your parents, he decided that’s the night that he can have his daughter at home alone and cope with her night waking. That was him showing his power over you, he was thinking only of himself, certainly not you or your child.
It’s not great that your dad hit him, obviously, but I can understand your dad wanting to protect you. Your dad went about it wrongly but his intentions were right. Your husbands had 18 months to do the right thing and hasn’t. The fact your husband is willing to ‘let’ your dad see your daughter for childcare but nothing else shows that this is about control and all about him.

I don’t think your husband sounds very nice at all. He’s not pulled his weight as a parent for 18 months, let you reach breaking point and now when it’s all come to a head, he’s trying to manipulate and control you, affect your and your daughters relationship with your parents and isn’t willing to admit that if he’s been a better man, none of this would be happening. I think I’d want to split but I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.

Your dh does not like the fact that your father challenges his "authority". Your dh is controlling and thinks he is the boss. He is a shit dad to your dad and is controlling you and manipulating you away from your support system, so he will have full control of you. Do you want your dd controlled by him when she is at a rebellious age and doesn't immediately bow to his requests? I don't blame your dad for losing his shit, if someone tried to bully my child in my home they would not be long about seeing my anger too. Also he is happy to use your dad as childcare but you can't have a relationship with him? Fuck that.

@DancesWithTortoises

You are married to a controlling bully. Your father's behaviour was poor but he had watched you being bullied and felt helpless.

Divorce the abusive prick.

This ^

Your husband sees both you and your daughter as "his", as possessions. The fact he's ok with Dad doing childcare (for convenience) but not any other time clearly shows this.

Yes your Dad was wrong but your dh has a nasty, nasty streak wanting to push your family out and keep full control of you both. Beware, if you continue with him, more of this side of him will emerge. Can you imagine what he will be like as your daughter get older and finds a will of her own?

What would have happened if you had gone home with your child that night once your child had been woken up? Would your husband have settled them and given you the sleep you need…. Or ignored your needs and feelings and left you to do what you usually do?

As much as everyone says it’s wrong to resort to violence, your Dad had his wife, daughter and grandchild in his house who he will have wanted to protect. The fact your husband was goading him shows he likes to manipulate and then be the victim.

I can bet if you left he will be telling everyone how he misses waking up to your child on a morning etc when in reality he doesn’t bother anyway.

Thanks everyone for your comments- I have read them all and find it helpful to hear some impartial perspectives on this situation.

Just to clarify, when I said we have been back and forth re separating, I mean we have had discussions about this, at night, when our child is asleep. I don't mean we have physically separated and then got back together-these are just discussions we have had about whether we can move forward from this whole mess. We are not shouters/voice raisers etc, and I am OTT about our child being privy to certain things so I feel she has been protected from this situation so far as we only speak about it once she is asleep, and we are good at being united infront of her- though I acknowledge if this isn't sorted asap then this may not always be the case, and this has got to be my priority.

To answer one of the other questions, this behaviour is totally out of character for my husband- for 18 years he has always been so laid back about everything and so mild mannered. II have never seen an inkling of this previously, which is why I have tolerated these ridiculous ultimatums thus far- thinking time will heal things.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post, it's one of those situations where it's hard to get a rational perspective when you are emotionally involved with all parties, so it's helpful to hear outsider perspectives.

Very interesting that on the night you decide you need support and go to your parents is the very night your "D"h decides he can look after his child and deal with all the night wakings isn't it?

Any parent turning up at a house that is safe and prising a child out of bed at 9.30pm needs to wonder why they did that.

Your husband sounds very controlling and probably now is loving the control he now exerts over you (which by the way should you get divorced your child can see your Dad whenever she likes on your time) and secondly the control he now has over your parents.

Maybe your Dad finally snapped because he is tired of witnessing you kowtowing to your husband. Maybe they were such good friends because your Dad could see that if he put a foot wrong your husband would prevent you and your daughter from seeing them.

Your husband made demands in your parents' home, belittled you, argued that he was going to take his daughter. I cannot believe you let him take her from the bed. Why did you?

Why are you the only one dealing with sleep deprivation and why has nothing changed for your husband, since the baby was born?

I think my dad would have thumped him as well for trying to drag a 2 year old out of bed in the middle of the night after an argument.

The fact he is happy to use him for child care but wants you to ‘distance’ yourself says everything. He’s being completely unreasonable and needs to get off his high horse. Yes your dad shouldn’t have hit him but he is far from an angel here. If he doesn’t want to spend time with your dad then fine but he’s got no business stopping you or your child. If he can’t see that then I don’t know how you are going to work through this. Also your mum and dad seem to be your safe place here… if your marriage doesn’t work out and from what you’ve said it might not you don’t want to alienate them

Your DH is taking a lot of flack here but I would be very interested to hear the story from his point of view and also from your Dad's.

Your DH is an abusive controlling arse. You dad was naturally defending his dd and dgd against a man who wanted to drag the child out of bed. He is abusing you by separating you from your family, he needs his self centred backside kicked out of the door.

Honestly I have sympathy with your husband. You shouldn't have taken your child away from him without his consent. He may have been afraid that you'd end the marriage and would be difficult about child contact (and I can see why he would fear that, if you removed your child from their home without his say-so). If you wanted some time out from your marriage, couldn't you have agreed the logistics with your husband in advance? I think all three of you have played a part in this.

Honestly I have sympathy with your husband. You shouldn't have taken your child away from him without his consent. He may have been afraid that you'd end the marriage and would be difficult about child contact (and I can see why he would fear that, if you removed your child from their home without his say-so). If you wanted some time out from your marriage, couldn't you have agreed the logistics with your husband in advance? I think all three of you have played a part in this. so let’s get this straight.

The OP has been dealing with all the night wakings for the past 2 years. They have had an argument over whatever it was, and the OP went to her parents’ to get away. Except that because she always deals with the night wakings she could hardly be expected to leave the baby at home with the DH could she?

And what’s this bullshit about needing his consent? Did he have the OP’s consent when he stormed into her parents’ house and dragged a two year old from her bed at 9:30 at night?

And exactly how do you discuss in advance what steps to take when an argument has become bad enough that you feel the need to leave the house?

Or are you the DH per chance?

So even after youd tried to remove yourself from the toxic conflict and tried to take ONE night off, your husband followed you to continue the argument and take your daughter out of her bed where she was safe with her mother and grandparents. Pushed your dad into feeling like he had to physically protect his daughter and granddaughter and now hes the bad guy and is now trying to isolate you from your family?
Id dump the husband. Noone treats me and my kid like that. Hes got no right

I don't really have sympathy with your husband but if this behaviour/demeanour is new I'd be more inclined to give him a chance. New babies are life changing for everyone. Unless you can talk about things thoroughly together (and it seems you can't really) I'd look into some couples counselling so you can get to the bottom of all this. It sounds as if neither of you really want to leave the other. I think your dad was wrong to hit your DH and I can see why is difficult for him to accept an apology but he needs to get out of the 'wronged party' role because that is neither accurate nor helpful if he wants to have a good family relationship.

Nothing wrong with having an altercation followed by a falling out when emotions are running high. It’s how people deal with the aftermath that counts.

Your father has demonstrated remorse and apologised and offered the olive branch but it’s your husband who has remained petulant and wanting to carry it on.

Holding a grudge and perpetuating family drama is immature and unless he learns to forgive and move on and rebuild the relationship then he is likely to be prone to falling out with others, not just your father.

He’s on his high horse and won’t come down and sadly that kind of attitude will only alienate him in life.

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

Your marriage has been in trouble for a while. Your husband has known that for 18 months you have been utterly sleep deprived due to the child you have together waking up 8 times a night, yet he’s not stepped up as a husband or father. Then when you got to breaking point, looked for the support of your parents, he decided that’s the night that he can have his daughter at home alone and cope with her night waking. That was him showing his power over you, he was thinking only of himself, certainly not you or your child. It’s not great that your dad hit him, obviously, but I can understand your dad wanting to protect you. Your dad went about it wrongly but his intentions were right. Your husbands had 18 months to do the right thing and hasn’t. The fact your husband is willing to ‘let’ your dad see your daughter for childcare but nothing else shows that this is about control and all about him.

I don’t think your husband sounds very nice at all. He’s not pulled his weight as a parent for 18 months, let you reach breaking point and now when it’s all come to a head, he’s trying to manipulate and control you, affect your and your daughters relationship with your parents and isn’t willing to admit that if he’s been a better man, none of this would be happening. I think I’d want to split but I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.

This is exactly what I came on here to say. He does bugger all to help with dd for months, but wants to put his foot down when you seek support elsewhere.

I have no doubt that my dear departed dad would have reacted in exactly the same way as yours if my dh had turned up spouting nonsense about permission after neglecting my needs for months. I certainly wouldn’t be taking dh’s side over my dad who was just trying to support me. Your dh should be apologising for his behaviour, not ramping up the control.

They both behaved badly, but your dh sounds awful op. Ltb

I don't think this marriage is going to work

Also take onboard the example he is showing to his daughter that you must never forgive.

Of course some behaviour is completely in acceptable but this is all over a petty row that should have blown over by now.

Do you want your daughter growing up gathering chips on her shoulder and carrying around grudges?

Your husband is a prick. Wtf do you see in him?

Yep agree with PP's.

Although your dad shouldn't of hit him your DH is a horrible c**t.

He is a abusive and controlling. Of course he wants you to stop seeing your family.

Then you'll have no one to turn to and he'll love that. Shame your dad didn't hit him harder.