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Original poster

Husband vs dad

76 replies

Sami561 · 01/08/2021 09:37

Hello everyone,

First time poster on here so forgive me if I haven't posted this in the right place... Looking for some advice during a really difficult period in my life. Will try to make this as short as possible but apologies in advance as I know it is going to be a lengthy post!

My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter who has not been a great sleeper since she was 6 months old (waking up 8+ times per night at times) and its placed a great strain upon our relationship- especially as I have been the one dealing with the sleep deprivation at nights whilst nothing seemed to change for my husband.

Anyway, earlier this year me and my husband had a bad day of arguing and I had reached breaking point and wanted some time away for a night, so I took me and my daughter to my parents for the night, telling my husband, (whilst en route) that I would be back the following day.

To cut a long story short, my husband arrived at my parents saying I had no right to take his daughter without his permission and I asked him to leave, he wouldn't, so we had this awkward argument in front of my parents where I was stood at the bottom of the stairs and my husband was telling me to move out the way as he was going upstairs to get our daughter and take her home (she was in bed at this point as it was 9.30pm).
My husband was being polite to my parents, initially, and apologised for this happening in front of them, but then my dad just totally lost it and started to threaten my husband to get out of the house and my dad also hit my husband. My husband did not respond in a physical way to my dad but was goading him for the duration of the argument, which I have to say was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I couldn't believe the two men I love the most were at each others throats.

In the end my husband went upstairs, got our child, and drove away. I stayed at my parent's house that night and went home the following morning.

When I got home the following day my husband made it clear to me that my dad would never see our child again, and if I wanted our child to see my dad then our marriage would be over. He subsequently stopped our child seeing my dad for 2.5 months. During this time my dad offered to apologise for his actions multiple times acknowledging that he lost it (and I know he was influenced by my going there and sharing with my parents the lack of support I have had from my husband in terms of the sleep deprivation)- though I acknowledge this is not a justification for my dad's actions.
However my husband said he would not accept my dad's apology and has continued to call him an array of vile and hurtful names since that awful night.

My parents have been patient during the last 3 months, hoping that time would heal things but, for my husband, it's like that awful night happened yesterday, like no time has passed at all.

Me and my husband have gone back and forth since that night, saying we will separate, then saying we will try and stay together, then separating again. I have sought advice from a family law solicitor about my husband banning my dad from seeing our child, and have also had an appointment with a financial advisor.

The recent update from my husband is that he says my dad can see our child once a week for childcare, but cannot see her any other time of the year outside of this-and he then told me I need to distance myself from my dad for the rest of our lives, otherwise our marriage is over and he will file for divorce as he sees that as not being loyal to him after what my dad did.

I feel totally torn, and can see both my husband's and my dad's perspectives on that night. My dad was trying to defend me but went about it in totally the wrong way, and my husband was so close to my dad and felt shocked that the man he loved had behaved this way.

Just to give some extra context- me and my husband have been together for 18 years (5 married) and, prior to that awful night, my husband and dad were so so close- my husband saw him as another father figure and my dad saw him as the son he never had. So the repercussions this has had for the whole immediate family is huge.
My husband's family have been validating his feelings and saying they "understand" why he stopped our child seeing my dad.

I don't want to separate from my husband, but equally don't feel my dad should be punished for the rest of his life and feel it's unfair for my husband to drive a wedge between me and my dad. I feel at a loss as to what to do.

If anyone has been in any similar situations, or has any advice I would really appreciate it, as I am utterly heartbroken at the divide in our family and the impact this will have on life going forward in so many ways.

Please, no negative comments- I know I had a role in going to my parents in the first place that night, hindsight is a wonderful thing 😢

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 01/08/2021 15:42

this isn’t just about him forgiving and moving on though is it? He’s prepared for the dad to do childcare once a week, so clearly he doesn’t hold a grudge against the father.

And in the meantime he’s demanding that the OP go NC with her dad because she owes some kind of loyalty to him? Fuck that.

This is about him asserting his control and nothing more.

And what happens when the 2 year old gets bigger and starts talking about the lovely time she’s having with grandad once a week. Or when she starts school and doesn’t get to see him so often but asks if they can? Will the husband then start to demand she not talk about him as well?

Polkadots2021 · 01/08/2021 15:48

@Sami561

Hello everyone,

In the end my husband went upstairs, got our child, and drove away. I stayed at my parent's house that night and went home the following morning.

My parents have been patient during the last 3 months, hoping that time would heal things but, for my husband, it's like that awful night happened yesterday, like no time has passed at all.

Please, no negative comments- I know I had a role in going to my parents in the first place that night, hindsight is a wonderful thing 😢

Thanks in advance

I personally am totally on your dad's side here. I think it was way out of line of your husband to follow you there when you needed a night away, took your daughter when she was sleeping, goaded your dad in his own home for half an hour....and the whole thing happened in the first place as you have crazy sleep deprivation because you're doing literally all the night waking. I personally think your husband sounds controlling and abusive and your dad saw that in his own home and after a while just couldn't take it any more.

Polkadots2021 · 01/08/2021 15:52

I think your dad hit your husband as I suspect your husband's behaviour was escalating in a dark way and in the end he felt like there weren't many other options left to stop him. I think your dad sounds like a lovely very protective family man and a good role model for your daughter, and your husband doesn't sound like someone I'd want round you or your DD full time if I were your friend.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/08/2021 15:57

The difference is your DF acted in the spur of the moment whereas your DH is purposely being controlling. This is to put you back in your box and alienate you from your family and future support. Call his bluff. If you seeing your DF is all it takes to divorce you then so be it. Your DH will have plenty of practice in getting up in the middle of the night when he has 50% custody.

Concestor · 01/08/2021 15:59

Your husband is being abusive. Leave him. As others have said he's been deeply unpleasant to you since your daughter arrived access that's entirely consistent with abusive men who often start being abusive or escalate it when a baby arrives. Your daughter needs to be protected from this.

Ourlady · 01/08/2021 16:00

I would leave him. This is never going to end and he will continue to control you through your daughter.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/08/2021 16:01

Unusually for me I’m on the dhs side.

You shouldn’t have involved your parents, your an adult not a child.

Your dad should have left you two to talk not got involved, then he assaulted him. It’s wrong. Your dh could have reported him to the police for that.

If he’s that much of a bad dh leave him and go it alone.

Chloemol · 01/08/2021 16:05

Leave, he is controlling. Get yourself organised, understand what you are entitled to and go

Polkadots2021 · 01/08/2021 16:07

@Fluffycloudland77

Unusually for me I’m on the dhs side.

You shouldn’t have involved your parents, your an adult not a child.

Your dad should have left you two to talk not got involved, then he assaulted him. It’s wrong. Your dh could have reported him to the police for that.

If he’s that much of a bad dh leave him and go it alone.

I expect the DH didn't allow that to happen and was probably getting up in everyone's face. The OP said the DH was being goady toward the dad for half an hour in her post, so it was probably impossible not to react.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/08/2021 16:09

If op was goading her dh would violence be acceptable then though?. Could he snack her around a bit if he felt the need to get his daughter?.

Violence is never acceptable.

stripedbananas · 01/08/2021 16:14

Get a restraining order on your DH and your family if need be will have to state that your Dad was defending himself and that DH pulled the first punch

TheAverageUser · 01/08/2021 16:18

I'm going to agree with PP, I think your husband started the situation by going to the house and wrongly suggesting you can't have your child elsewhere for the night. He was escalating and your dad responded to that. Your husband sounds so controlling using your relationship with your dad and daughter against you. I'd get away from him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/08/2021 16:19

You want the whole family to lie on legal documents 😳

If they do that the dh would be well shot of op.

You can’t just lie like that, it’s wrong & also illegal.

Wearywithteens · 01/08/2021 16:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/08/2021 16:30

You must go to marriage counseling.. You really should not. It is not appropriate when one partner is controlling and abusive,like your husband is.
You need counselling. You need to get away from him.

rwalker · 01/08/2021 16:30

Reverse it if DH took your child and MIL hit you. Nobody has covered themselves in glory but out of all the actions I don't know if I could get past someone hitting me.

Sorry but you upped and disappeared with your child your dad hit him and he's the bad guy ?

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 16:45

Your dad made a huge mistake but in his eyes he was defending his daughter, granddaughter and wife from an angry man who he saw as a threat.
He's acknowledged the error of his ways and knows his actions were wrong.

At the same time, I can understand your husband not being willing to accept that apology.

What I cannot understand is why he thinks that once a week for childcare is acceptable, but not when it doesn't suit him, nor how he thinks it's fair or reasonable that you've been up 8 times a night for the past 18 years while he's still sleeping like a baby.

Your dad was wrong but your husband is a massive twat.

480Widdio · 01/08/2021 16:51

What a mess! Your husband sounds like a horrific control freak.Why would you want a life with him,put your child first and leave him.His actions are not those of a man who supposedly loves you,make no mistake, he doesn’t.

I have no understanding of women who stay with men like this,have some self respect and start your own life away from him.

Galassia · 01/08/2021 17:03

Maybe show your husband this thread?

VodselForDinner · 01/08/2021 17:11

I was almost impressed at the courage of your husband’s convictions until I saw that it didn’t extend to free childcare.

He’s controlling you. Your daughter seeing your dad should be about the relationship between grandad and granddaughter. Unless your husband believes that your dad is some form of threat/risk to your DD, this is all about him basically marking his territory.

Would they consider mediation? It’s a great way of moving on without having to focus on wanting/demanding apologies.

Buppers · 01/08/2021 17:17

Me and my husband have gone back and forth since that night, saying we will separate, then saying we will try and stay together, then separating again

This stands out to me, OP. I appreciate that you're not physically separating and then getting back together, and that you are keeping these conversations between the two of you.

However, the very fact that you are discussing it, and given the impasse, I think that separation is the only solution.

EKGEMS · 01/08/2021 17:49

@AlternativePerspective Agree 100%

HelpMeTree · 01/08/2021 20:46

@AlternativePerspective

What your Dad did was wrong, there is never an excuse for violence. I think that in the right circumstances we could all be pushed to violence. It might not be ok on the face of it but the real world often doesn’t work like that.

If someone stormed into your house and started threatening your child and making demands can you honestly say that it wouldn’t occur to you to use force against them?

The OP had gone to her parents to get away from her husband for the night. But instead of sleeping on it, the husband stormed round there and was happy to drag a two year old from her bed just to prove that he was in control. And people are blaming the dad here? Come on.

What he actually should have done is call the police and have the husband removed. As it’s not the husband’s house the police would have removed him and warned him not to go back. But I’m guessing that the dad acted in the spur of the moment, and probably out of shock that his son-in-law is clearly a nasty threatening bully. And he probably realised that this isn’t the first time he’s behaved like this to the OP and so the mask has slipped and the dad has seen him for the 1st time.

And the husband isn’t demanding apologies, he’s making sure that the OP stays loyal to him, and loses the protection and support of her father by demanding she never see him again. The violence has absolutely nothing to do with that.

1000x this.

Hissysnake · 01/08/2021 20:50

@EnglishRain

Your DH sounds like he has control issues. Your DD isn't a possession but he treated her like she is. Your relationship being so on and off will be really terrible for your DD. I think your priority needs to be to her, and that separating is the right thing to do here.

This a million and one times over.

Your husband doesn't bother to get up in the night with your child and then suddenly when you leave, he wants to step up to the plate. Doesn't work like that sorry.

I also don't condone the actions of your father. But it wouldn't have happened if your husband acted like a grown up in the first place.

Horst · 04/08/2021 17:29

Well if one of my in-laws had hit me I’d of called the police and pressed charges tbh.

I also wouldn’t want to see them ever again and would want to highly limit any contact my child had of I allowed any due to the assault.

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