Most Random Inaminate Object You've Spoken To?

[itsnotmeitsu]

I've behaved weirdly towards, and spoken to, many random things; but I think I excelled myself this week.

I think my most random object is probably the two pieces of kitchen paper I spoke to. I'd placed them in a plastic washing basket before I emptied the washer, as the basket has started to develop a bit of mould. Everytime I moved the basket towards the machine the kitchen paper moved out of place. I heard myself saying, "Behave yourselves you two - stop moving around".

There once was a poster who dropped a potato. She had stern words for said potato. I believe she addressed it as "spud cunt"

Does having to speak to and get out of the car (because apparently I'd locked them in it) a child's invisible friend...

I have a metal pheasant in the porch called Colin, I speak to him a lot!

I’ve told the gravy boat that it’s a twat on many occasions

During a particularly low point during lockdown I thanked my kettle for boiling the water and then explained I really needed a cup of tea.

The ash from a joss stick. It had fallen onto the floor when I moved the holder, in my room at uni. Very inconsiderate. Also, onion skin fragments get a lot of abuse from me. They escape from the cutting board & float onto the kitchen floor, under the edge of the oven/fridge/washing machine etc, only to creep out weeks later & look untidy.

Ha ha, for me it's generally the useful household items I talk to. I always give the washing machine a pat and quietly say "thanks matey"...

If I affectionately pat the washing machine, I have to do the same to the dryer in case it realises the washer's my favourite

As a child we used to drive through a tunnel regularly. I used to whisper my worries (I had a lot, abusive childhood) to the hand rail that flashed past like a white line all the way through. Reading that back as an adult makes me feel sad for little me.
Adult me often says hello to random objects I think are one of my cats (very short sighted).

I apologise to the dishwasher every time I interrupt it's very important work to add an errant teaspoon

I talk to everything. I can't think of 'the most random thing'

I always thank cash machines, the microwave although oddly not the oven and post boxes.
I once got caught at school by the head and a vip, talking to a wall display. I was telling it that it looked scruffy and would need changing soon

I also apologise to the dish washer if I need to interrupt it. I've also apologised to my car if I pick the wrong gear/stall 😂

Not me but dd... to a blob of lime jelly she was chasing round a bowl with a spoon:
"Come here you wobbly bastard"

@MutteringDarkly

If I affectionately pat the washing machine, I have to do the same to the dryer in case it realises the washer's my favourite

I worry about favourites as well, just to add to my batshittery I don't believe some inanimate objects are, things like soft toys on the front of the rubbish truck really upset me because they are cold, wet and dirty and must feel so sad

I apologised to a mannequin for getting too close the other dayy in m&s (I thought it.was a person)ds was killing himself

I always whisper ‘goodnight’ to the Alexa devices (probably because she bothers to reply, unlike DH & DS!) 🤣

I frequently cuss at the microwave for constantly beeping to remind me it is finished.

I often place human feelings on inanimate objects. Last night there was 1 dishwasher tablet left in the pack so I opened the new packet and popped the last one in there so it wouldn't get lonely 😂

Come here you wobbly bastard

I love it!

My Ex

It’s not inanimate but I always call one particular goose I see on my run, a dickhead.

He’s the biggest cunt I’ve ever met.

I did tell my bin not to be a bastard all its life.

I'm known for white goods abuse. I save all my best swearing for my washing machine when it won't spin properly or the fridge when it won't shut up because I have the door open when I put shopping away.

I once overheard my husband say to the fridge “you can stop beeping now, you absolute prick”

I’ve had many a stern word with self service checkouts. Fuckwits, the lot of them.