Most Random Inaminate Object You've Spoken To?

[itsnotmeitsu]

I've behaved weirdly towards, and spoken to, many random things; but I think I excelled myself this week.

I think my most random object is probably the two pieces of kitchen paper I spoke to. I'd placed them in a plastic washing basket before I emptied the washer, as the basket has started to develop a bit of mould. Everytime I moved the basket towards the machine the kitchen paper moved out of place. I heard myself saying, "Behave yourselves you two - stop moving around".

I also wave to the snail at the cuilfail tunnel entrance (lewes) on behalf of my late mum.

@SisterAgatha

It’s not inanimate but I always call one particular goose I see on my run, a dickhead.

He’s the biggest cunt I’ve ever met.

😂😂😂

When my beloved old cat died I was so lonely. I’ve got a husband, children, friends, but the cat was my constant companion. My husband didn’t think we should get another cat straight away until…

I work from home and got a bit obsessed with Can’t Pay We’ll Take It Away, especially the kindly older debt collector on there. I printed off his photo, stuck it to the inside of the front door and chatted to him every time I passed. Suddenly my husband thought getting another cat should be a priority.

As it turns out, our new rescue cat is a right miserable bastard, but I talk to him, and no longer have an ageing debt collector stuck to my front door.

What an idiot - I've now had a conversation with myself about my terrible spelling error in the title

I hissed "Piss off!" to a teaspoon that fell to the bottom of the dishwasher yesterday.

I'd just given birth to DD and I was sleep deprived from being in the hospital for five days prior. I was also full of drugs. I thought the bp monitor at the end of my bed was a wizard and I was asking him what he wanted .

I had another one today > I was trying to lock the door and I said to the key, 'Stop being so contrary'. We're all idiots aren't we .

My sat nav.
You have reached your final destination......cheers mate.
My lunch today...... winner, winner lovely beef dinner.
Does my DH count as an inanimate object? I speak to him sometimes too.

I was trying to tidy a bit of the garage today.

The step ladders are, to be fair, right awkward bastards at the best of times and today was no exception. Twice I tried to prop them against the wall, and twice they started a slow descent to the right.

They were treated to a blast of "REALLY?", which helped when combined with the command to "STAY".

The toaster gets a "thank you, that's lovely" every time.

The sat-nav gets a thank you and the car gets a pat.

Oh gods, I too think some inanimate objects have feelings, especially toys

I tell the hoover to ‘stay’ It doesn’t listen.

Tell my shoes to stop tripping me up by getting in my way. They’re just jealous because they’re not the pair on my feet

The bathroom light for not working (one of those god forsaken pull switches that might work 1 in 15 times. Possibly. If the moon and Venus are in perfect alignment.)

I called the hand sanitizing station outside work a fucking bastard because it jammed the other day.

I am perimeno, short staffed and short tempered

Of course I don’t/can’t show it to anyone... so poor Henry hoover and other inanimate objects get the full force of my frustration 😂😂

I put the hoover on the landing once and it fell sideways and hurt my knee. I attacked it, kicking it viciously and swearing - a Basil Fawlty moment

I talk to veg all the time at work

Sternly telling them to stay if they fall off. Funnily enough though, it works!

I talk to my plants endlessly.

I verbally abuse my fucking stupid twat of a printer

I affectionately greet all sorts of inanimate objects when I catch them out of the corner of my eye and mistake them for one of the cats (it’s usually when I haven’t got my glasses on, but not always…)
So many’s the time I’ve fondly addressed DH’s shoes, or a rucksack, or a small pile of washing

I save my best abuse for Henry, the rolly bastard. He's either pressing himself against doorframes and refusing to come in, or fainting onto his side at the slightest change of direction. He's also not strong enough to get the dog hair off the carpet, yet strong enough enough to suck the laminate floorboards clean off the floor. The attachments will ALWAYS fall off mid hoover, and the big metal one for the carpet will ALWAYS land on my foot. I hate him.

Pretty much any inanimate object is a 'bastarding thing' in my house when it's not behaving how it should.

But today the baby gate was told off for being a bastarding thing because it's a bit stiff and every time I closed it behind me I had a fight with it trying to get back into the room. Sad but also true.

I do try to say it under my breath when the younger DC are around btw! Mostly

It's a rare event that I use a self service till in the supermarket without swearing at it.

I once had words with a toilet in Charles de Gaulle airport because it decided to flush and soaked all up my back because I didn't sit still enough while using it.

@WizardHowl

I affectionately greet all sorts of inanimate objects when I catch them out of the corner of my eye and mistake them for one of the cats (it’s usually when I haven’t got my glasses on, but not always…) So many’s the time I’ve fondly addressed DH’s shoes, or a rucksack, or a small pile of washing

I do the opposite. It's after startling the cats too many times while grabbing them because I think that black mound is a small pile of washing or a shoe.

So I now approach said washing or shoe to gently stroke it so I can check whether it is actually a cat before trying to pick it up.

@BingoBhango don't be mean to Henry or I will report you. I have put a bit of tape on the metal rod and it stops the attachment falling off.

@SpeedRunParent

I also wave to the snail at the cuilfail tunnel entrance (lewes) on behalf of my late mum.

I live in Brighton!

@atlastifoundit "Come here you wobbly bastard" has just finished me off 😂

I found a small plastic Pokémon figure long ago abandoned by my DC buried in the garden. I tossed ‘it’ to one side on the patio - it’s been sitting there for months. This weekend I looked at ‘him’ and thought how forlorn he looked and how patiently he’d been waiting for his fate (to be put in the bin) and I picked him up and told him not to worry that I would take care of him. He’s now sitting happily on the kitchen shelf with the basil plant!

The washing machine sings a super cheery attention seeking little song when it finishes, and DH and I regularly make fun of it for being so needy and pathetic.

I also talk to the DCs' dog doorstop, at their request. He has a name and a collar and a backstory.

I tell inanimate objects not to fall off places all the time. I don't say "stay", though, I say "storf" which means stay in Simlish (as in the language in Sims).

I also thank holey socks before I throw them away. I get sentimentally attached to socks, so it's the only way. I had a pair of bedsocks which I've had since I was seven. They sort of grew with me, and they've been more hole than sock for a long time now. For a while, I wore them over a pair of more slippery socks (these ones had little dots of the bottom to stop you slipping) when it was particularly cold. I found them in my drawer the other day, having not worn them for at least two winters, so they finally made it to the clothing bank today. And now I've started thinking about them and I miss them!