Cover story needed for child leaving school

[ScruffySock]

DD, 13 is miserable and after attempts to sort it out we are finally taking her out of school. There may be a place coming up soon at an alternative school, or it may be up to a year. We will home school her in that time.

However, it seems like a good idea for her to tell her old classmates a reason for her to be leaving so she doesn’t cause additional rifts, as people live locally. Given that she isn’t going anywhere else straight away, the only thing I can think of is health? She has a long term auto-immune condition which could have got worse I suppose?

Any other ideas? Thank you in advance.

I agree with the nome schooling line.

I took my dd out of school quietly but it still caused quite the stir in my small town. People were still talking about it a decade later. 🙄

Homeschooling did work better for her though. Maybe not perfectly, but better or you wouldn’t be going through a phase of that.

Then it’s “there was a space at school x” or “I wanted to do course y” that necessitates the new school

Don't teach her to lie to friends. That;s a sure path to rifts with them.

What about something positive? Trying to get into new school because it has...or homeschooling because she has more time to do ... Maybe if she starts a new hobby it would act weight to that reason and give her something nice to focus on.

Or you could move out of catchment or be looking to move.

We are thinking about giving homeschooling a try.

Or if you want to get fancy

I really hated all the disruptions with Covid so I’m going to give homeschooling a try.

Then if you end up with a different school you can just say it’s one you expect to better support remote learning.

Just tell the truth

My DGS changed schools halfway through year 8 as he was offered a place at a 'better' school. He told those in his set that he couldn't take the nasty bullying any more and that the new school didn't put up with it. He made new friends fairly quickly but those from his old school (who he'd known since primary) cut him dead in the street and still do. Be very careful what you say - less is best.

Is there a subject the new school does at gcse or a level that the old one doesn’t? Say she is changing so she can do business/economics/Spanish or astronomy etc

Don't lie about her health. Truly. If she's caught out at any stage then it will be ballast to claims she was in some way difficult enough to 'deserve' bullying.

Just say school isn't working with all the lockdowns etc so you're giving home ed a go, and she can always return to a school later if that seems best. No drama, no big deal. I'd also join local home ed Facebook pages actually, so she meets new people while waiting for the new school place to come up - can't do any harm.

Least said, soonest mended in my experience, and lying's problematic even on very basic practicality grounds, unless you are sure you'll all remember it all! Sticking to a reduced version of the truth is just easier than dishonesty, and it's also better as an example for your child, I think.

My basic rule of thumb: is something likely to cause drama? And if so, is the outcome worth it - is this a situation where you either should, or can manage, the drama? 99 times in a hundred, I find 'no'.

Frankly in this scenario I am uncomfortable with the fact if correct that some pupils are actively bullying your child to her detriment and importantly your child is innocent and not been involved in provoking any bullying against her. Bullying and such unreasonable behaviour is not acceptable as the school must not facilitate this unknown to the teachers. The school has a obligation and duty to uphold good standards of behaviour and deal strongly with bullying and anti social behaviour which falls below an acceptable standard even if the school is infamous and has a bad record with a challenging environment and demographics. The minimum expectation is a safe place of learning and not be subject to quasi prison type behaviour.

Essentially as the innocent party with a child subject to abuse and bullying - you are actually not just suffering but also allowing the school to continue with such anti social behaviour. You are effectively pushed out by the school pupils as the school would not know why unless you are open with the teachers and head teacher.

The homeschooling or alternative school is only because of the difficulties at school. You would not otherwise feel the need to leave this problem school. And if you make up secondary reasons for preference for home schooling etc you are allowing this school to go unchallenged and to suffer the consequences should the other school not subsequently be available to offer your child a place.

I would analyse your school teachers possible reaction as only you will know what to expect as each head and school is different. If it is a challenging school and the teachers are not massively emphatic or cooperative - then obviously I would be more economical with the facts but importantly not lie but to emphasise the potential positives of alternative arrangements for your child but mentioning the issues if slightly toned down a little unless evidential and obvious.

I agree don't lie about her health. It could backfire on her later if her condition really does worsen. It could cause people to unconsciously (or consciously) discriminate against her in future.

And as you know, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."

What reason have you given in writing to her current sch for her leaving/ off rolling her?

I would be saying a half truth like “I haven’t been happy here so am trying a change”. Or “it wasn’t working out for me”. Something vague that could mean many things, doesn’t explicitly refer to bullying if you prefer not to, but the people who know what’s been going on will know that’s what is meant.

Why give those bitches a get out?

"My mum thought home schooling was really good for me during lockdown and wants to give it a go for a bit longer. I've agreed to try it for a bit."

That's a good one .

Yep don't lie about health. Tell the truth, maybe covid and homeschooling has made her realise she would prefer that? It's made her reevaluate her education? I hope it all works out well.

Another vote for the homeschooling line

If you live in a small community, i would suggest honesty , as these things have a habit of leaking out. If you lie, the truth will undoubtably come out from other sources and take on a life of it's own.

With kindness Op, i suspect your DD's existing friendships will now be compromised by her leaving . She simply will not see them day to day and it will be wise to prepare her for that . Asking her to lie about her reasons for leaving on top of that , is unfair and will be damaging to her in the longer term.

If yr DD already had a place in a new sch for Sept , it would be easier to pass off, as a change for options year. You may now be homeschooling for a while or even a longer , if , no places are avail.

Personally , i would have kept her in mainstream education and worked with the sch, given how significant these yrs are and , until i had secured a new sch place. Have you considered a private sch if no state places are avail? Another option may be an alternative sch provision, funded by her current sch place, but, not something i would personally want for my own child.

The important part is to be consistent especially if you are in a small community. You all have to tell the same story. You can’t tell her friend’s Mum that your daughter is unhappy because of bullying when your daughter tells her friend at the same time that she’s leaving because of health issues. There might be small differences and you may give out more details than her but the main line should be the same. I think her current school won’t tell the real reasons but I would ask them about it specifically. They could use your daughter as an example without naming her but it would be still obvious for others.

My daughter moved forms after lots of bullying and having no one in the form who stood up for her or befriended her. When people asked her why she had moved, she would just say the new form was just “a better fit for her”. They seemed to just accept it. Works even better for homeschooling/a new school.

Why on earth are you suggesting to your child to lie about this or anything?

That's a bad idea

Just be honest

Tell her to say "I'm going to be homeschooled"

End of

Homeschooling secondary aged children will be challenging tho for her and you

I don’t see the need to say anything, especially if she’s going because people are being mean. As my mum once said to me when I was moaning about something similar and thinking people would take ‘you’re not that interesting’ 😂 aka it’ll be old news very soon and those horrible bullies will have moved onto something/someone else.

*talk not take 😂

Whatever you do, don’t lie. Don’t teach your child to lie.

Tact is a skill. Diplomacy is a skill.

But lying puts you at odds with yourself, creates a rift between the real you and the one you express to your world.

Lying about a health condition is despicable.