Page 4 | Am I a problem friend? Honesty welcome

Demilunary · 29/07/2021 17:58

[quote Mountaingoatling]@Maria53

I will spend long hours chatting about friends problems. Although one friend I have is reserved and so we wouldn't.

Sometimes when we meet its more about me or more about them, depending on what is going on. Sort of take turns.

I definitely reach out to friends for advice when I have a problem. Maybe too much? But not having a partner means they are my people.

I have had many friends tell me things they haven't yet shared with others (relationship breakdown, career change etc) and I think genuinely I am quite unshockable and good at these times.

It's more the opposite problem! I'm first choice when it comes to dissecting woes and having a cry. I'm last choice for a fun shopping trip or weekend away. It is sad to type that but I have never been asked on a girls outing. There must be something wrong with me [/quote]
No, but can’t you see that if you are choosing, consciously or unconsciously, vulnerable people/people in crisis as friends, and positioning yourself as shoulder to cry on and repository of secrets, then you become the ‘troubled times friend’, not the ‘dancing on tables happy times carefree friend.’

Why aren’t you choosing confident, happy people as friends, for instance? You say you have no trouble making new friends.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/07/2021 17:58

I'm not by any means suggesting this is you OP, but this is a situation I know about which bears some similarity to yours that I have been in.

Really well intentioned young woman, lavishes attention on friends, very generous. A kind person.

Can't keep a friend.

Reason?

Outlandish lies. Like transparently obvious lying. Some harmless. Some dangerous.

Becomes angry and very upset if this is even gently suggested let alone pointed out.

I honestly came to the conclusion that it was completely beyond her control and she couldnt stop herself.

But it was wearing, listening to long stories you knew were fictional.

I'm not saying this is YOU, I am saying that you could have a certain way of behaving that others find wearing.

I feel horrible saying that but believe me I know that I can be wearing on a bad day also

Original poster

Mountaingoatling · 29/07/2021 18:07

@demilunary you have sliced me open like a watermelon. Actually, the only people who want to be my friend are probably going through a rough time. Honestly, I cannot think of one person I became friends with who wasn't in a tough spot. Even at school, I was quite generally popular (not the most popular!) But my best friends were the girls with eating disorders or divorcing parents. This is quite troubling, like I am preying on vulnerable people to win friends???? But they generally are the first to suggest we meet up. Hmmmmmm......

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit I am generally very honest with friends, even if I don't come out well. Don't feel bad about what you posted...you are trying to help and I have said honesty welcome!!! Twice though I have to two separate friends invented a lie. Both times I felt the friendship was ending and I invented a crisis so they would call. I'm not proud of that. I felt them pulling away, as if they didn't care, and although both lies were unplanned, I knew I was lying. So this is something for me to think about too x

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 29/07/2021 18:19

I think the needing to be the rescuer is an interesting point. Have a look at the drama triangle. It’s a way of thinking about interpersonal relationships. Rescuer, victim and persecutor. You seem to be in rescuer mode. Also, what else do you do in your life apart from work? Are your friendships the focus of everything so you come across as a bit needy in the end. I know for me, that if someone responds immediately to every text I send, it makes me so irritated. Like I suddenly feel burdened with that person’s need for contact.

beastlyslumber · 29/07/2021 18:22

OP, it's an attachment problem. You feel that there is something wrong with you that everyone else can see but you don't know what it is. You constantly feel anxious and insecure because you think once people see this thing that is wrong with you, they'll leave. You are even driven to lying in order to hide who you really are. You give and give to others in relationships, thinking that if you meet their needs, they will see this and start to meet yours. You don't voice your needs (maybe not even to yourself) because you feel that even having needs is asking too much of people, but you feel resentful and sad when your needs go unmet. You gravitate towards damaged people thinking you will be able to help them, fix them, support them, and when they've taken what they want from you, they move on. You aren't looking for happy, whole people to be in an equal friendship with - subconsciously you are drawn to those who are damaged because then you will have something to offer them. You don't feel you are worthy and lovable in and of yourself. It's called an attachment disorder, it's very common, and you can get past it. Read the book I recommended and maybe find a good counsellor to talk it through with and practice some of the strategies.

Maria53 · 29/07/2021 18:23

@Mountaingoatling so I think what might be happening is that friends need you during certain periods in their life, usually difficult periods. They see you as that friend that they turn to in their hour of need, which speaks well of you. But it also means they may not think of you as the 'fun' friend necessarily. I used to be in this situation myself with a particular friend.

Also you say they are your people and you go to them for advice a lot. I think we all do this but it needs to be in moderation as friends are not counsellors. And if you find yourself needing that much advice, perhaps a therapist would be a good idea. Same goes for your friends who lean on you heavily. Does any of this resonate at all?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/07/2021 18:26

@SwanShaped

I think the needing to be the rescuer is an interesting point. Have a look at the drama triangle. It’s a way of thinking about interpersonal relationships. Rescuer, victim and persecutor. You seem to be in rescuer mode. Also, what else do you do in your life apart from work? Are your friendships the focus of everything so you come across as a bit needy in the end. I know for me, that if someone responds immediately to every text I send, it makes me so irritated. Like I suddenly feel burdened with that person’s need for contact.

I hear this.

I have a friend who is a bit emotionally unstable. Sometimes my phone will ping 7 times in a minute. One morning it started very early in the morning and she basically kept prompting me to respond until I did. I have more boundaries with her now but I feel guilty.

SwanShaped · 29/07/2021 18:28

Just the thought of that stresses me out, Reise.

Another thought, is do you try to fix things all the time? So come up with solutions, ideas, strategies. Sometimes people don’t want fixing, they just want to be heard. I know I’ll ditch people who, as soon as I mention a problem, jump on it and try to fix it.

Original poster

Mountaingoatling · 29/07/2021 18:29

I am going to wrap this up as this thread has helped me. For myself and for everyone who has been so kind as to comment (because I love a conclusion!)

After thinking about what you all said, the truth is:

People in crisis just need someone to talk to
I only attract new friends going through tough times (don't yet know why)
What I consider a friendship, is possibly more transactional to the other friend
I remind them of bad times
I don't possess chill, carefree friend vibes
As my friends get to a better place, their need for me diminishes
I react to this by pursuing them and being needy
This repels them more

This in 24 hours is a much more accurate understanding of my issues.

I will reflect more. I will still read any more comments but...awesome women, your job for now is done...and it was powerful.

Thank you xxxx

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 29/07/2021 18:32

Hope you get more to the bottom of it. Some amazing insight from you so quickly.

beastly has good points. Ignore bluntness

Demilunary · 29/07/2021 18:33

Not preying, @Mountaingoatling, but something in you thinks happy, untroubled people can’t possibly just want to have you in their lives for the pure pleasure of your company, people have to ‘need’ you because you are a strong prop in a crisis/are offering an understanding listening service, and they’re ill/lonely/vulnerable.

And because the focus of your relationship is them and their problems, you’re comparatively ‘invisible’ in the friendship, because you’re the listening post and rescuer, not the person to whom the trauma/illness/crisis is happening, and who gets all the airtime.

Which means that when the crisis passes, they have only a superficial knowledge of you which isn’t deep enough to make the transition to ‘non-crisis friend’ so they withdraw.

One other thing, OP, because my mother does this — are you still interested in these friends when they’re strong, happy and recovered? I ask because my mother, entirely unconsciously, just switches off when someone is feeling good about themselves. She sees no role for her there. You can just hear her actually start to be slightly (entirely unconsciously) hostile.

Demilunary · 29/07/2021 18:33

Best wishes, OP.

ShortBacknSides · 29/07/2021 18:42

I am passionate, opinionated and always reply to texts as soon as I can.

Maybe you’re a bit too full on and very empathetic, but when it comes to the longer slower patterns of deep friendship you miss out?

AmberIsACertainty · 29/07/2021 18:42

@Mountaingoatling

I am posting for honest instinctive responses and questions which might help me reflect.

I make friends exceptionally easily.

After a few years, my friends seem to dump me. Never unkindly. More slow fade and boundary setting.

What is wrong with how I am as a friend?

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

I am passionate, opinionated and always reply to texts as soon as I can. I am often asked for advice by friends.

In the early days of friendship people say things like, "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing".

After a few years they just seem to move on.

I'd really like to keep friends for longer while understanding some will be transitory.

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong.

I am a bit lax at birthdays (I don't celebrate my own) but do mark them and attend the events, buy a gift.

Be honest. I can take it.

I've had this in the past OP. I think unfortunately some of the people I met were users, but not in the typical way of favours/money, it was a free counseling service they wanted. They met me when they were at a difficult time in life, discovered I have a good listening ear, wanted advice for their problems which (they often didn't act on), constantly looking for encouragement to get through their difficult time and using me for emotional support. Then when their life is better they've no further use for me.

I've come to the conclusion that somehow or other people will find a way through their shit by themselves, most of them don't actually want solutions they just want to moan constantly and someone confiding in me doesn't mean they like or trust me, it means they're needy.

So now I only help people online, when I want to, to pass the time. Or if they're a good friend already.

I set firm boundaries around moaners, I'll listen for a minute or two then change the subject. If I can't have a conversation with someone without having to listen to their woes for most of the time then I drop them. Its not that I want to talk about my problems, I don't, what I want is more positive conversation. I find if someone genuinely wants advice they can usually sum up the problem in a few sentences and I can give them quick advice in a few minutes. It's the moaners who launch into a whole drama queen story of woe.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/07/2021 18:43

Good Luck OP x

AmberIsACertainty · 29/07/2021 18:57

@SwanShaped

Just the thought of that stresses me out, Reise.

Another thought, is do you try to fix things all the time? So come up with solutions, ideas, strategies. Sometimes people don’t want fixing, they just want to be heard. I know I’ll ditch people who, as soon as I mention a problem, jump on it and try to fix it.

I used to do this. Because I desperately wanted the people with the problems to STFU about it and often it felt like the only way that was going to happen was if I fixed it for them. I'm not saying you go on and on, perhaps you don't, but an awful lot of people do.

TheWholeJingbang · 29/07/2021 19:05

You’re a rescuer and attract the wrong people

People who can’t or won’t reciprocate
Bit intense possibly

Original poster

Mountaingoatling · 29/07/2021 19:46

These last comments define me well. And to those who opened up themselves...I'm especially grateful.

@TheWholeJingbang yes. I am intense. I'm not sure how not to be! Everything to me is either hugely important and worthy of discussion...or beneath contempt.

I'm not saying that to win friends. I'm facing up to myself.

I adore you all and as I type that I realise my boundaries and thresholds for someone is amazing....perhaps need reflection. (But while I'm still the unrefined me you are all sort of psychic, weird, intuitive, wise, truth-speaking, breathtakingly lovable women) x

Xxx

OP posts:

alexdgr8 · 29/07/2021 20:26

opinionated is an unattractive quality.
maybe you are trying too hard to sound entertaining, ie to perform, on every occasion.
i would find that wearing and rather immature, adolescent.
obviously i don't know if that observation is relevant to you.
but you asked for first impressions from your posts.
the comment re ice-skating sounds show-offing. as if you want applause. for being so funny. as if you are taking the stage, rather than just merging in to the group and commenting in a moderate way when appropriate.
i could be wrong of course. and it is so subjective.
good luck.

NiceGerbil · 29/07/2021 20:42

I love people with opinions about a wide variety of views and opinions.

I really enjoy talking to friends who have strong opinions about things, esp when I don't get it, or disagree.

Horses for courses innit.

ShortBacknSides · 29/07/2021 21:23

social anxiety which tends to manifest in getting into obsessive routines before leaving the house and being late.

Hmm, this would do it for me. It suggests that my time isn’t important and you’ll leave me waiting for you. A few times of that and I just don’t bother.

If you know you have obsessive routines, do something about it. I hate being left because someone else is late. I walk away. And I’m pretty tolerant, but more than 30 minutes and I don’t make another date/meeting. I’d fade away as you say people do to you.

ShortBacknSides · 29/07/2021 21:27

Everything to me is either hugely important and worthy of discussion...or beneath contempt.

Can I be very blunt here?

You sound exhausting and as if you think you’re very special, and “quirky” as a kind of “character”. I’m sure underneath it all, you’re quite sweet.

But you sound very self-involved and determined to be an outspoken character. If you express strong opinions, in the black and white way you describe, you leave very little space for other people to be themselves. You say you’re empathetic, but I wonder ...

Of course, this whole thread could be an experiment.

beastlyslumber · 29/07/2021 21:29

But while I'm still the unrefined me you are all sort of psychic, weird, intuitive, wise, truth-speaking, breathtakingly lovable women

Hmm. You are putting random internet strangers on a pedestal while putting yourself down at the same time. You are 'fluffing' people up with flattery but this is not the same thing as making a genuine mutual connection. The kind of people who enjoy this sort of interaction tend to be damaged people or those with hungry egos or those looking for vulnerable people to take advantage of. Most relatively well-adjusted people find this sort of thing a bit uncomfortable. If this were real life and you said things like that to me, I would feel that you don't know me well and that you were a little bit afraid and trying to flatter me (which I'd find mildly insulting) and also that it would be difficult to just be myself with you because you've put me on a pedestal and decided the terms of the friendship before it even begins. I think you feel more comfortable with this dynamic where the other person is given everything and you are just their lowly servant. Most people don't want that kind of friendship, OP. They want equality and trust and openness, and to be able to just be themselves.

I refer you back to my previous comments about attachment issues. The only thing wrong with you is that the barriers you've put up to defend yourself keep out the people you most want and need in your life.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 29/07/2021 21:31

It's really hard to say based on your OP but my first thought was are you too full on with the first stages and lots of messages etc which isn't practical to continue

Do you text too much?

Too opinionated?

Too keen to meet?

Not that these are reasons to fall out but maybe it's too much for some people.

Some friendships are just meant to be casual so while you make friends easily they are not necessarily going to be BFFs or friends you see often

alexdgr8 · 30/07/2021 01:30

i cannot take this seriously after being told we are all, or may be most of you and not me, are amazing, weird, intuitve etc women.
maybe this was some kind of dare.
or as they say, you're having a larf.