Am I a problem friend? Honesty welcome

[Mountaingoatling]

I am posting for honest instinctive responses and questions which might help me reflect.

I make friends exceptionally easily.

After a few years, my friends seem to dump me. Never unkindly. More slow fade and boundary setting.

What is wrong with how I am as a friend?

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

I am passionate, opinionated and always reply to texts as soon as I can. I am often asked for advice by friends.

In the early days of friendship people say things like, "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing".

After a few years they just seem to move on.

I'd really like to keep friends for longer while understanding some will be transitory.

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong.

I am a bit lax at birthdays (I don't celebrate my own) but do mark them and attend the events, buy a gift.

Be honest. I can take it.

OP please try th honesty route when you are late, or on the way to being late or cancelling altogether. There is nothing more off-putting - to me at least - than a flake. All the excuses in the world just add up to one thing: they think their time is more important than mine. That is just rude. If, however, you explained your situation (as I would expect a friend to be able to do willingly) and said as much each time, it would make the world of difference to how I perceived your time management.

Over time, a flaky friend is just wearing and each time gets more unbearable, until finally, no more. Enough. NO more plans with you.

This you can work on - it is actually a very simple thing to change. Good luck. You sound lovely, even with this.

A couple of thoughts...

Being passionate and opinionated can be a good thing, but it can also be a bit overwhelming sometimes, especially if your friend doesn't either entirely agree with your opinion, or even ask for it.

In the early days of friendships people say things like "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing"
Do you, perhaps, home in on new friends who are at a vulnerable time in their lives and need 'rescuing'? You might subconsciously choose people who need a shoulder to cry on, or for someone to support them. And then when they are back on an even keel, they find that they don't really need you any more.

I’m not sure how old you are OP or whether you have a partner and/or children. But in my experience those two things are quite important. Do you make friends with other people who are at a similar stage of life to you? I now find it really tricky to maintain friendships with people who don’t have children as I have two young DCs and I find that people often struggle to understand how demanding that can be if they’ve not experienced it. Similarly I probably don’t make enough effort to go out and do things because I am just exhausted a lot of the time.

I also wonder if you are someone who often assumes the role of “rescuer” if people come to depend on you and need your help. Once they are then in a different phase of life where they don’t need rescuing the dynamic doesn’t work anymore.

Cross post with @ahoyshipmates who has suggested the same thing!

I have a similar problem with friendships, I regularly get phased out after a few years.

Only one actual fall out, which was over something big and unforgivable. The rest just drifted away.

You sound much more fun to be around than me. I have some hang ups for my childhood which I overcompensate for, which make me come across as a bit of an arse to be honest.

But no one here could tell me that, so we can’t advise you if you have an irritating character quirk that gets under people’s skin after a while.

It’s hard and lonely not to have those long term connections. But keep making those friends, and don’t sensor yourself. Someone will come along who likes the real you.

Do you have any friends who you've got to know slowly over a few years and you initially got to know each other through small talk? This is something I only really started doing after having DS (18) when I was 24. Before that, most of the new friendships I made from mid-teens were all rather dramatic, often with chaotic and exciting people, and formed quickly.

I have both Irish and Mediterranean blood and I feel I come across as intense to a lot of English people and in general, the English don't like to cause a scene or create a fuss and they "can't be doing with" anyone who is seen as hard work. It's still something I'm working on, but I do have several friends/acquaintances still from those days, despite moving to a different part of the country.

I could be wrong, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were similar for you, OP.

@Crabsy

Cross post with *@ahoyshipmates* who has suggested the same thing!

Great minds

Sometimes in relationships you have to make more effort - the thing that stood out to me was the comment about 'obviously I stop making the effort'. I wonder if you back off when people are just being quieter and having a harder time reaching out. When perhaps if you reached out more the friendship may weather the difficulties that person was having.

[quote Mountaingoatling]@PieceOfString that's terribly kind of you. Right now there are two very awesome women whove I've been friends with for 9 and 5 years who seem to have withdrawn. They are very great people and we have gone through a lot. I suspect one is struggling with mental health and know she is the type to go quiet when she feels bad. The other is in a very exciting phase with a new business and new live in boyfriend. Yet I do think there is something I'm doing wrong. But I do very much appreciate your encouragement x[/quote]
They'll be back. I have a close friend who drops off the planet when things are tough... then I just keep sending reminders I care that don't require a response and then when she's ready, she's back and then she tells me all about it. But she can't discuss things until they're fixed.
New business and boyfriend is pretty all consuming - I reckon she'll be back to when things calm down. Send little 'hope it's going well' type messages to to keep the lines of communication open. But I can appreciate if you feel this is a pattern that you aren't going to feel confident about their return. Have faith, they sound good.

all of my long term relationships have weathered a storm, it's the fire that forges the core of steel. So getting through a crisis together, or have an argument which you manage to resolve together etc etc. Thinking about it, the friendships that have never been challenged have always fizzled eventually. I think you have to have this to show the depth of your feeling for each other so it holds you together through lifes twists and turns.

There are so many good and insightful posts here. I've seen other posters before say "I need to digest" but actually having so many valid points on something so painful...I need to think!

Every single post raises good points for me to consider. But when you get them all at once!!!

I am currently at a loss to express my gratitude for the wisdom. I'm sure the truth lies in some correlation.

The rescuer thing hits home. The lifestyle thing makes sense. The dealing with the English definitely raised a smile.

I can't believe so many strangers saw through this

And to the poster who advised on flaking...thank you. I sort of got this a few years back but focusing on it is helpful. Thanks everyone. So much.

It may have nothing to do with the friends drifting, but I also would encourage you to be honest about your anxiety. My daughter has suffered terribly with anxiety and what I love is that she is completely honest with her friends and they are very understanding. They’re only 13. One of her other friends began to show signs of social anxiety and was also honest and I thought it was beautiful that she felt comfortable enough to tell the truth instead of making up some excuse. Obviously, you would need to have a conversation with them first, about your struggles, so that they understand, but if they’re proper friends they won’t see you as flaky if you drop out or are late - they will appreciate the effort you’ve made to get there despite everything, or will be understanding if it’s all too much and you have to cancel.

Hope it all works out, OP. You sound lovely so just stay positive.

@MidgeRidge thank you sooo much. If a friend could come to my house and collect me for example, I would be fine. It's weirdly the process of leaving I get trapped in weird rituals.

@CremeEggThief actually one friend of the two im worried about messaged. But then I replied and she stopped. I think I did something wrong again!!!!!!

Would anyone look at the messages if I posted them and be honest?

I think I'm doing something obviously wrong possibly out of trying so hard??? If you would, it would be great x

I don’t know if you would be confident to do this, but could you just ask one of your current friends? Obviously not in an over the top way, just like ‘hey, is there anything I could improve on socially?’ Most of my friends would say no but I have one very honest friend who would say ‘maybe you could do xyz a bit more.’

It might be worth trying. Although, if the friends you’ve made have always been in a sort of turmoil, it’s possible that they’re just needy in that moment, and unfortunately not interested when they don’t need you - there are people you’ll always hear from when there’s some drama bur never when things go well. Some people are like this although it’s upsetting.

That's a really good idea @Kanaloa and to be honest I've not done that in a real way before.

I'm deffo annoying.

"I can't see the point of mushrooms. How can a mushroom be one of you five a day. It's not even green!"

It is funny to react and respond to this sort of gauntlet throwing banter. I know a couple of people though, who haven't the sensitivity not to play when the other party is already emotionally exhausted, and who repeat the subject of attack, eg: mushrooms, for years on end, until it's tiresome.

To be clear, I'm not accusing you of this, at all. Just putting it on the list of possible reasons. You seem well intentioned, and I hope things work out for you.

I’m not with you op. My family is Italian, I’m opinionated but I keep friends and I take my turn in speaking and listen to them, I have empathy and I’m no different to my British husband, your heritage is not to blame here,

If anything from what you’ve written you’re intense, lack empathy and are more interested in you. From your ability to get out the door to how you behave when you do.it’s all about uou, everything else is lip service.

I mean that gently but if you really want to know, there it is.

@Bluntness100

I’m not with you op. My family is Italian, I’m opinionated but I keep friends and I take my turn in speaking and listen to them, I have empathy and I’m no different to my British husband, your heritage is not to blame here,

If anything from what you’ve written you’re intense, lack empathy and are more interested in you. From your ability to get out the door to how you behave when you do.it’s all about uou, everything else is lip service.

I mean that gently but if you really want to know, there it is.

That did not come through in op's posts at all for me. The focus on how she behaves is between us here not in rl I think. She said if the other person needed a listening ear she was all about them and was a good shoulder to cry on, people who think the world revolves around them don't do that. Social anxiety getting it of the door is a different thing imo.

Opinionated people can sometimes come across as quite intimidating if they present their view too fiercely. Do people go quiet when you're giving an opinion? Do you think you could be one of those people everyone is too scared to disagree with?

@Bluntness100

I’m not with you op. My family is Italian, I’m opinionated but I keep friends and I take my turn in speaking and listen to them, I have empathy and I’m no different to my British husband, your heritage is not to blame here,

If anything from what you’ve written you’re intense, lack empathy and are more interested in you. From your ability to get out the door to how you behave when you do.it’s all about uou, everything else is lip service.

I mean that gently but if you really want to know, there it is.

@Bluntness100 as always I hope you got something you needed from your post and refuse to accept your wilful misreading of my post.

You're an insightful, intelligent and forthright woman, but you too often wade in missing emotional nuance that matters to the poster.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

Opinionated people can sometimes come across as quite intimidating if they present their view too fiercely. Do people go quiet when you're giving an opinion? Do you think you could be one of those people everyone is too scared to disagree with?

Yes. I do. Please tell me should I not express my opinion (eg ice skating...not say I like it or not, play coy) or express my opinion more moderately even ifvits not funny or entertaining (instead of "my God, strap me to a guinea pig and make me wear a sequinned thong whilst being scored by Big Brother dropouts rather than ice skate" say "not for me, thanks!"

Maybe I have thanks to you all...got this over expression thing?

@IslandSnow

I wonder if you’ve got this the wrong way around. It isn’t that you’re losing friends - it’s how you’re making them in the first place when they may be using you. Maybe try for more slow burn friendships - people who would never gush “you’re amazing!” But are simply low key and consistent

I agree with this. The strongest friendships evolve and develop over time. I have many friends who I think are wonderful and amazing but that has become apparent to me over the course of many years. What stood out to me was that you make friends with people who describe you in such terms after knowing you for a few weeks. I don’t mean to suggest they are not being genuine in the moment but they can’t possibly know you well enough in such a short space of time.

I think friendships built on firmer foundations with people who do not immediately need rescuing or a shoulder to cry on stand a better chance of lasting the distance.

I'd take the sequin thong and Guinea pig over coy and demure any day. But I think we're bumping up against the limits of this medium here because seeing you in action could alter opinions either way.
I think you've got some good starters but perhaps need to find some rl feedback to round it off. Just be careful who you ask, our self perception can be really skewed by other people's opinions and some could send you on wild goose chase if they aren't right. The last thing you want is to create false self belief which is unnecessarily critical.
You need constructive objective wise honesty from a trustworthy source.
Or just find the people who like a flamboyant quip in their chats.

Yes. I do. Please tell me should I not express my opinion (eg ice skating...not say I like it or not, play coy)

There's nothing wrong in expressing your opinion, but are you pitching it so that other people feel like they have to defend their own opinion, maybe?