Am I a problem friend? Honesty welcome

[Mountaingoatling]

I am posting for honest instinctive responses and questions which might help me reflect.

I make friends exceptionally easily.

After a few years, my friends seem to dump me. Never unkindly. More slow fade and boundary setting.

What is wrong with how I am as a friend?

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

I am passionate, opinionated and always reply to texts as soon as I can. I am often asked for advice by friends.

In the early days of friendship people say things like, "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing".

After a few years they just seem to move on.

I'd really like to keep friends for longer while understanding some will be transitory.

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong.

I am a bit lax at birthdays (I don't celebrate my own) but do mark them and attend the events, buy a gift.

Be honest. I can take it.

What I’m getting is similar to @ahoyshipmates and one or two other posters — that you may be, consciously or unconsciously, starting friendships with people at a vulnerable stage in their lives, because it’s a safe thing for you, you like being needed and being the strong, insightful, understanding shoulder to cry on. Then when they are in a better place, you experience their renewed ok-ness as rejection because they are less dependent and ‘need’ you less, and aren’t so grateful that you understand them. So feel you no longer have a role, and withdraw.

If anything of this feels true, I’d think hard about the type of person you’re drawn to, and whether you unconsciously view people being happy/ok/confident as a rejection.

Thank you. I've done a lot of work on my relationship with men (I'm a heterosexual woman).

But actually I wonder of I've just transferred an unmet childhood need to my female friendships. Like...save them, get them more than I even aspire to

I wonder if I'm a memory of a bad time if my memories of great nights out are their shudders...the things they got through til they found a man.

Honestly I need to think a lot.

@TheNestedIf

Yes. I do. Please tell me should I not express my opinion (eg ice skating...not say I like it or not, play coy)

There's nothing wrong in expressing your opinion, but are you pitching it so that other people feel like they have to defend their own opinion, maybe?

Definitely I'm disconcerting them.

You found like a lovely person, and I would be drawn to you. Can I ask, how to you meet and make your friends? Is it through work or hobbies? My core friends are mostly from my 20s. I acquired a new set of ‘mum friends’ when children were little, I was at home, and it was important to me to have a social circle near me. Apart from a very few, this latter group has factioned off as people returned to work and the sports sidelines/school gates stopped being as important. Some friendships run their course when common things-to-do come to an end.

Oh @OliviaNewtAndJohn what a funny name!

I do not have children. Its not an option for me, nor is a sexual relationship long term.

My friends know why..its not a mental or emotional thing.

It is probably yes I'm clueless at advice on the issues that matter to them most now.

You've been so kind.

I think you sound great. I love your humour and forthrightness!

A thought did occur to me though. Sometimes people use a lot of banter/ humour to avoid emotional intimacy, or to avoid showing any vulnerability. And that can prevent relationships going deeper.

Not saying that's you, but that came to mind.

I've found you make lifestyle friends and soul friends. The soul friends are rare, but they're the ones that last and are easily dusted off after a bit of neglect.

I made my soul friends through hobbies, that shared bond of doing something together even if that hobby ended.

The lifestyle friends come and go more easily but they're often the people you see more of for a while.

How old are you OP? Child raising age is tough on friendships as many people in that age range have less time and energy. It reduces the pool of people avaliable to do things with.

From your description, it sounds like people find that you make a good "friend for a reason" then that stage passes. It's not easy getting to deeper lasting friendships though. I think being honest about anxiety would help though. If you're the rescuer, it balances friendships up, and if you struggle to uphold plans, it improves understanding.

@Mountaingoatling

Oh *@OliviaNewtAndJohn* what a funny name!

I do not have children. Its not an option for me, nor is a sexual relationship long term.

My friends know why..its not a mental or emotional thing.

It is probably yes I'm clueless at advice on the issues that matter to them most now.

You've been so kind.

That’s quite a big drip feed, @Mountaingoatling.

I mean, apart from anything else, it may mean you have far more capacity (both in terms of time and emotional bandwidth) for friendships than your friends do, so they can never match your commitment to a friendship — you say that you reply to texts quickly but they are too busy to meet and don’t initiate conversations — and that, combined with what sounds like a full-on personality, might mean you come across to some people as ‘too much’? Too available, too intense, wanting an unrealistic level of engagement from someone juggling a FT job and all other normal life stuff with young children?

@Bluntness100

I’m not with you op. My family is Italian, I’m opinionated but I keep friends and I take my turn in speaking and listen to them, I have empathy and I’m no different to my British husband, your heritage is not to blame here,

If anything from what you’ve written you’re intense, lack empathy and are more interested in you. From your ability to get out the door to how you behave when you do.it’s all about uou, everything else is lip service.

I mean that gently but if you really want to know, there it is.

Wow, I could not have got more of a different reading of you, @Mountaingoatling.

Bluntness100 - you really are something else. Intense? Lacking in empathy? The lack of self-awareness is quite something.

Anyway.

OP - you sound lovely. If anything, I suspect you may be over sensitive to others pulling away, and rush to pull away in turn, instead of being there when your friends perhaps unconsciously need you (or any good friend) more than ever.

I am a very sociable introvert, and you sound great to me. I love being with people who are confident in themselves and just bring something. I’m naturally shy, so it takes those sorts of people to help me be myself.

However, the flip side is, I’m uber sensitive to non-verbal communication, and all the unsaid stuff. If someone pulls away, my reaction is to pull also. Now that I’m aware of it, I actively try not to. But it’s a hard battle. I can’t bear to force myself on people.

Maybe if friends are pulling away it’s for a specific reason and not because of you, per se. I don’t think you’re doing anything especially wrong.

It sounds awful but all the new friends I’ve made in the last 3 years are at a similar stage in life to me ie having babies and young kids. Have your friends also moved into this life stage? If so they are probably just really busy and spend most of their time talking about their kids 😂

@daisypond

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

Why not? I don’t think it’s an obvious to not stay in touch. How quickly are you giving up on those friendships? Are you seeing a slight where there may be none? Or even if there is a problem, why don’t you discuss it with your friend before you give up on the friendship?

Agree with this. Friendships ebb and flow, they don't stay the same. It's the mark of a solid friendship that it CAN ebb and flow, and you give up at the first hurdle.

Another thing I've noticed is that you mention not being able to tell if someone is really OK. I don't tend to ask if my friends are OK, more I already know if something has been a problem and I ask them directly about that.

E.g. Did that work problem get sorted out? Did you settle the thing with your mum? Etc.

I once lived in a house share with a young woman who’d describe herself probably as passionate and opinionated.
She was a fucking pain in the arse who talked over people and would not entertain people not agreeing with her. She fell out with literally everyone she met.

Probably a bit intense. The nicest, most friendly person i know doesnt know when to be quiet or go away and never seems to listen. It suits people out socialising but they get avoided other times a lot.

@lastqueenofscotland

I once lived in a house share with a young woman who’d describe herself probably as passionate and opinionated. She was a fucking pain in the arse who talked over people and would not entertain people not agreeing with her. She fell out with literally everyone she met.

That doesn’t sound like the OP.

And 'passionate and opionated' can translate into 'loudly offended by the last thing they read on twitter/everything' to me

Im not saying that describes you though op, i couldnt possibly know that

I also make friends very easily, but most of them drift off after a while. It doesn't bother me as I think it is just a natural part of human relationships. Not all friendships are meant to be long lasting. Some are meant to enjoy for a short while and then to fade away. A few of the friendships will become something deeper and last for many years. I have some friendships which have lasted for over thirty years. But there are only a very few of these.

I don't see that there is a problem that these friendships don't last for you, unless absolutely none of them last for more than a short time. But it sounds like you do have longer lasting friendships? Don't worry about the people you know for years disappearing for a while. That is also very normal in long term friendships too. They will be back in time.

@Mountaingoatling There's a great book called 'Slaying your Fear' by Adam Lane Smith. It's very short and easy to read, but it discusses exactly what you describe here, of finding it hard to stay close with people and dealing with anxiety. I think it's a really useful, practical book that spells out exactly what it takes to make and keep lasting and deep connections with others.

@Mountaingoatling

I miss each of them individually hugely and think of them regularly and I feel a deep sense of shame that I did something wrong.

Of course there are people I met and am no longer in touch with where it was just nice at the time.

You're right: I get over attached. I feel a little bereft.

New friends come along.

But now when a new friend comes along i think...ill do this wrong behaviour again.

Hmmmm..there is a lot here for me to really honestly think about.

The bit about 'new friends come along' pops out to me. I have come to recognise that there are some friends you gel with extremely quickly and the friendship burns hot and fast but then fades out... in my experience, those people don't tend to have many old friends in their lives - you know, people they've known from childhood or old flat mates etc... do you think perhaps you're particularly good at making friends and because there's often someone new and exciting to distract you, your older more steady relationships fall by the wayside?

I will check out that book!

@youareminebestfavourite it is definitely always the other person who pulls away. I honestly don't think it is me. It is always me texting, calling, suggesting meeting. Not in the first few years, but then after a point it seems I'm being quietly shelved.

But thank you for your comment.

Somehow opening up about this has made me today feel both sad, but also that really I do deserve friends who reply to messages and want to meet up! Or could be honest with me about my annoying features so I could change.

I am always available, always reachable. So maybe some of this is about being a bit more chilled and less enthusiastic.

@sonyadog your words are such a comfort. At times I try and think in this philosophical way!

I think I don't help myself because as things fade, rather than accept it, I fight to keep the friendship. Being more graceful would leave this potential for friends to come back. Thank you.

What kinds of things do you do with friends and what are the conversations about? Do they tend to be about your friends troubles?

Thank you @BrozTito. My passionate is more about..let's do this amazing thing, it would be so much fun, shall I book tickets

Rather than being offended.

Or if someone said, do you like Love Island, rather than just say, its not my cup of tea I will talk for 60 seconds about how I can't bear the idea yada yada yada

I can see both things could be exhausting

@Maria53

I will spend long hours chatting about friends problems. Although one friend I have is reserved and so we wouldn't.

Sometimes when we meet its more about me or more about them, depending on what is going on. Sort of take turns.

I definitely reach out to friends for advice when I have a problem. Maybe too much? But not having a partner means they are my people.

I have had many friends tell me things they haven't yet shared with others (relationship breakdown, career change etc) and I think genuinely I am quite unshockable and good at these times.

It's more the opposite problem! I'm first choice when it comes to dissecting woes and having a cry. I'm last choice for a fun shopping trip or weekend away. It is sad to type that but I have never been asked on a girls outing. There must be something wrong with me

Just to add an example. I'm often the first to meet a friend's new partner and they will say, I wanted you to meet him first because I know you'll be honest.

But then when they have their first group dinner with the new partner and other friends, I am never invited.

So they must like me a bit...but in a certain way???

You are all amazing for helping me think about this. Facing the truth about oneself is hard.

There are things here you've all said I can work on.