Anyone else feel like they're waiting for their life to begin?!

[bustinjieber]

I sit here, close to turning 40 and realise I don't feel like I've ever lived my life for ME. Perhaps this is some kind of pre-turning-40 breakdown but there's so much I want to do and just don't see a way of ever being able to do it.
Without making this too long and depressing, I basically did a job I LOVED whilst studying at 6th form and went into doing that full time after leaving school. The pay was terrible and I worked ridiculously long hours (65-75 hour weeks) but I loved it nonetheless. Met my now exH when I was 19 and we quickly bought a house together, he convinced me I needed a 'proper job' so I ended up going to work for the family (my Dads) business in an office based role. I didn't mind it at first, it was a busy office with nice people and decent pay and I finally had some free time. Years passed, marriage happened, 2 kids and then divorce. This job at least was flexible and meant I can fit round the kids busy schedules/ school runs without needing too much childcare.
Gradually however over the years the business has declined, staff have left and it's now just me and my Dad left in the business. I work entirely from home and I've been left in a position where I'm keeping it going (just) but don't really feel like I know what I'm doing. I hate it but cannot see a way out. If I left my Dad would be f*ed, he has no clue on the day-to-day running of the business plus he's totally useless with money so has no savings or pensions and is mortgaged up to the eyeballs - me leaving would ruin him. Plus I have nothing real to offer another business - no qualifications to speak of. I've toyed with the idea of going back to the job I loved when I was younger but it would involve a lot of retraining which isn't cheap and would have to be on a self-employed basis and I don't have any money to fall back on while I got myself going. I have looked at retraining in another field but again can't afford the tuition fees and cost of living while studying. Between my partner and I, we manage ok every month but there isn't really anything left once everything is paid other than a few little treats or maybe enough for a day out for the kids. We don't go on holiday because we can't afford to.

I feel so down. I had so many dreams leaving school and sometimes just wonder how I got to 40 and none of those have happened. My life has just ticked away slowly and all the things I set out wanting to do have been pushed to the side. Yes, I have a house with a mortgage and a car and 2 wonderful kids, and a loving supportive partner - I almost feel guilty for having these feelings as I know there are people far worse off than me but I just feel so stuck. My life is a cycle of - I get up, my partner goes to work early. I sort kids for school then lock myself in my office all day doing a job I despise and trying to make ends meet in a business that is struggling. Then I run around trying to sort the house/ kids/ tea out (my OH does help, he's great but he also works very long hours so isn't always around). Then I go to bed. Then it starts again.

Does anyone have any advice about how to get out of a job you hate? How to retrain while still somehow earning some money?

Sorry if this sounds really muddled I just needed to let it out somewhere. I do a great job of holding everything together and pretending everything's ok IRL

I know what you mean. I have so much I want to do, but I either don't have the time/money, or I can't leave my home town due to family commitments. My life has become one huge string of what I have to do, not what I want to do, and I hate it.

Sorry to hear you feel the same

I did a career change and worked part time while doing it. I think you need to do a budget of the minimum you need to survive while making your transition, with a buffer to pay some study fees (or save now for them), then trust yourself and take a leap.

I think working for a family business is tricky, as its not as simple as handing in your notice, but I think its fine to be honest that you don't want to do it anymore.

Surely the real issue isn't about getting out of a job you hate, it's about dropping your dad in the shit if you do? As to how you do that and then live with your decision, I'm afraid I don't know. What are your dad's plans for the business? Is he close to retirement? Can the business be wound up?

@zafferana well yes I guess it is.

He is in his 70s but has no plans to retire. I think he'll work until he dies 
I think the business owes out more than what it's worth so not sure what the implications would be if we wound it up and my Dad would be screwed as he has mortgage and debts to pay. I have a mortgage too.

@MistySkiesAfterRain thank you. I just keep thinking if I can make it until my youngest is at high school in 3 years time maybe then would be a better time. My OH has said he'd support me as best he can but I'd feel so selfish if it means my kids have to miss out on doing things that we could no longer afford like their hobbies etc if I start working part time

Hmmm well tbh I think you and your dad and any siblings need to sit down and have a serious conversation about the business. If your dad is in his 70s, responsibility for it could fall to you and any siblings at a moment's notice, if anything was to happen to him so you really need to know what's going on. He may wish to work until he drops and continue to take a salary from this failing business until then, but those debts and problems will then fall to you. You might want to involve the accountant too, assuming you have one. Your worries about leaving and doing something else really are only the tip of the iceberg.

There are another 3 siblings but I'm the only one involved in the business. His wife (my step mum) is 25 years younger than him and everything is in her name so I assume everything will fall to her?
It's all a mess tbh, I just want out

Ah, an evil stepmother eh? Well, in that case just make sure the business will indeed be her problem and not yours before you leave, because it sounds like you leaving may well cause it to collapse!

You probably need to get your father to write down

Daily tasks
Monthly tasks
Yearly tasks
Processes
Insurance
A list of contacts via phone, email, address
Paperwork related to the financial side/property
Taxes, income, bills
Power of attorney for health & financial & wills
Health & safety/covid related issues
An audit of all assets

The same for all the above for yourself

Can your DF or you train an apprentice?

I've probably missed some important other things

If you want out, you need to train the next person before you leave
Or write a process document

Find new job first

@12Day0fReturnImagine there is no next person, and we can't afford to take anyone on

My father has no clue about the daily/ monthly/ yearly tasks when it comes to the business. He's always just paid someone else to run it while he networks and generates new business - something he used to be very good at but times have changed and it's become increasingly difficult to sell in the way he did 30 years ago. He's very 'old school' and does everything on a handshake, no process, no paperwork. I do all the admin along with banking, insurances, invoices etc. He doesn't even have access to the business bank account.

If you haven't done tertiary education before, you may be able to get funding. In your position I'd see if I could get funding to do AAT level 2, then apply for accountancy jobs six months through the course. If you're bookkeeping already, you'll manage the course well. I used to work for a family business and am now in accountancy. It's 100x better. My current employer will give me day release and pay for the 2nd and 3rd year.

You could also look at things with a non means tested bursary eg nursing, operating department practitioner, but you may struggle with 3 DC and a full time course. You don't say what your previous job was, so hard to gauge.

I'll give you a little of bit of advice that I drum into my teen DC, YOU have to centre yourself in your own life, because no other bugger's going to do it for you.

So your Dad will have problems if you leave the business, unfortunate though that is, his lack of future-planning is his concern not yours. You mention a younger wife, it's really up to her to pick up the slack here, not you, especially as any assets will be hers upon his deathly the looks of it.

Your children are older, you have a supportive partner, you have options! Think about what you want to do and do it, the first half of your life has been about others, why not make the second half about you?

How long do you honestly think your dad's business has left in it? Because by the sounds of it, it sounds like it's already a sinking ship. Its whether or not you want to wait to go down with it.

My sister died of cancer at the age of 37 last year. It has really made be reevaluate a lot of things in my life. I made some very big changes and 12 months later I am in a much happier place. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to anymore, I'm doing what makes me happy.

You deserve to be happy OP.

@ShrikeAttack thank you! I know it's madness, I try and drum the same into my kids but just wish I could follow my own advice.
The business situation is a bit of a mess. I really don't know the first thing about running a business but gradually as more and more people have left it's just fallen on me and I completely feel like I'm winging it with no clue if I'm making an absolute mess of it all!

You're right though, I really need to take hold of my life and do something I want to do with what's left of it!

@Nerfelite so sorry for your loss

Honestly, I don't know. We have loans and debts here there and everywhere

Can you tell us what the job you loved when you were 19 was? We might have some ideas of how you could get into it? I know that won't fix the situation with your dad but if that seems possible you might find a way out of the business.

I'm way past 40 and I still feel like that. I feel like I spent my childhood living my life to please my parents, then got in a relationship at a young age and spent the rest of it being a wife and mother. Now my dc are grown up but still rely on me quite a bit and parents are unwell so I'm now spreading myself even thinner.

I do wonder if I'll ever just "please myself" and regularly fantasise about running away to a Greek island.

I don't believe in the " nobody is irreplaceable"

Lots of people move jobs or where they live for all sorts of reasons

If you want to go, then go

But find a job first

@Cosybelles it was working on a farm with mainly cattle and horses. Hard, outdoor manual labour, long hours on a self employed basis with no sick or holiday pay ...but I'd go back to go back to that life in a heartbeat if I could.

I know people pull out the 'life is too short' saying but it really is true. If not now, when ? When will you put yourself first? No one else will ever put you first, you have to be brave and make that move for yourself.

You gotta stop worrying about others (your dad) it’s his business not yours. Hire someone else to do your job and walk away or else he can figure it out himself / close the business. Really not your problem!

Surely if you’ve been doing this job for many years you could get something similar with your experience - maybe working for a different company in an office rather than at home wouldn’t be as bad!
I don’t think you necessarily need to retrain - and if you do couldn’t you just do it evening/weekends so you can work along side it

Life really is too short - you are not too old to change this.

We packed up and went travelling for 6months at one point due to being so fed up of life (husband was 40 at the time) moved to a new city on return and started again new jobs, new area etc

Plan to do this again ahead of a return back to live in Ireland in a few years time!

Seriously you need to talk to your dad about this though and sort out how you will walk away

It sounds like there is a difficult conversation you need to have with your step mother and your father about the future of the business.

You need to voice your concerns “the business is failing, I want out, I am am worried about leaving you in the shit, what happens if your health deteriorates” and see where it goes from there.

What would reassure you the most? A plan to wind up the business and set you free? A plan from your step mother or father to pay their mortgages without you doing the work? (This may involve selling properties/downsizing).

Right now you seem to be taking on all the responsibility for your father/step-mothers livelihood. This needs to go back to them in one way or another or you will not be free to think of your future.

If you are 40 then your DF must be approaching retirement age. Even if he has made no provision for the future, he will not be able to work forever. You both need to look that in the face now and make some plan, rather than wasting the next 5 years of your life and then being forced to the same point anyway.

It sounds incredibly difficult but from what you say the business is in decline anyway the only question is how long.