Anyone else feel like they're waiting for their life to begin?!

[bustinjieber]

I sit here, close to turning 40 and realise I don't feel like I've ever lived my life for ME. Perhaps this is some kind of pre-turning-40 breakdown but there's so much I want to do and just don't see a way of ever being able to do it.
Without making this too long and depressing, I basically did a job I LOVED whilst studying at 6th form and went into doing that full time after leaving school. The pay was terrible and I worked ridiculously long hours (65-75 hour weeks) but I loved it nonetheless. Met my now exH when I was 19 and we quickly bought a house together, he convinced me I needed a 'proper job' so I ended up going to work for the family (my Dads) business in an office based role. I didn't mind it at first, it was a busy office with nice people and decent pay and I finally had some free time. Years passed, marriage happened, 2 kids and then divorce. This job at least was flexible and meant I can fit round the kids busy schedules/ school runs without needing too much childcare.
Gradually however over the years the business has declined, staff have left and it's now just me and my Dad left in the business. I work entirely from home and I've been left in a position where I'm keeping it going (just) but don't really feel like I know what I'm doing. I hate it but cannot see a way out. If I left my Dad would be f*ed, he has no clue on the day-to-day running of the business plus he's totally useless with money so has no savings or pensions and is mortgaged up to the eyeballs - me leaving would ruin him. Plus I have nothing real to offer another business - no qualifications to speak of. I've toyed with the idea of going back to the job I loved when I was younger but it would involve a lot of retraining which isn't cheap and would have to be on a self-employed basis and I don't have any money to fall back on while I got myself going. I have looked at retraining in another field but again can't afford the tuition fees and cost of living while studying. Between my partner and I, we manage ok every month but there isn't really anything left once everything is paid other than a few little treats or maybe enough for a day out for the kids. We don't go on holiday because we can't afford to.

I feel so down. I had so many dreams leaving school and sometimes just wonder how I got to 40 and none of those have happened. My life has just ticked away slowly and all the things I set out wanting to do have been pushed to the side. Yes, I have a house with a mortgage and a car and 2 wonderful kids, and a loving supportive partner - I almost feel guilty for having these feelings as I know there are people far worse off than me but I just feel so stuck. My life is a cycle of - I get up, my partner goes to work early. I sort kids for school then lock myself in my office all day doing a job I despise and trying to make ends meet in a business that is struggling. Then I run around trying to sort the house/ kids/ tea out (my OH does help, he's great but he also works very long hours so isn't always around). Then I go to bed. Then it starts again.

Does anyone have any advice about how to get out of a job you hate? How to retrain while still somehow earning some money?

Sorry if this sounds really muddled I just needed to let it out somewhere. I do a great job of holding everything together and pretending everything's ok IRL

I know you're all right. I guess I've just got so used to making sure everyone else is alright but I'm completely fed up and need to do something about it. I just don't know where to start though!
I think a plan to wind up the business and set me free would be the most desirable, my Dad and step mum already recently downsized to try and lower their outgoings. The business used to have to pretty big clients and made some very good money, unfortunately my Dad spent it all on fancy holidays, flash cars and impressing people who haven't stuck around. He put very little back into the business and as a result we lost some major clients due to not being able to keep up with certain systems and technology that our competitors have invested in. My Dad continued to spend as though the money was rolling in so ended up building up some bad debts. All his fault I know but I seem to have got trapped in this place where I now feel like it's all on my shoulders to keep things going.

You say that you can't afford to hire someone new into the business, but also that you're taking a salary (since you are worried about re-training without a salary).

It might be a difficult month or two financially for the business, but if you want out why can't you hire and train your replacement (who then does your current job for your current salary, leaving you free to do something else)? Why would this cause the business to collapse?

@Nordicwannabe there's only just enough money to pay mine and my Dads salary each month. They are not huge salaries by any means. I couldn't afford to give up my salary to pay someone else while training them and there wouldn't be enough in the pot to pay both.

You are making excuses tbh! Training a new person takes about a week! You Either train a new person up or you just end the business that’s your choices

Or continue being unhappy

Sorry to be harsh but making excuses really won’t get you anywhere !

@Fupoffyagrasshole I don't see how you could possibly know how long it would take to train someone you don't know the industry or business we're in!
I agree I need to do something but if it only took a week to train I'd go be brain surgeon next week

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by peter jones.

It’s not ideal but could you take on an apprentice? There’s a grant of around £3k for businesses and they could take some of the load off you and you could reduce your hours to retrain.

I think counselling (even online, just a few sessions) could help you to unpick what is going on between you and your Dad that has led you to pick up the slack for him and cover up/try and fix his messes. It's a pretty co-dependant dynamic with you essentially enabling him, and I think it's time you step back and allow him to fail - preventing his own financial stupidity from coming back to bite him in the arse isn't your job and I'm baffled as to why you have assigned yourself this role. If the business is failing, it's failing - if anything, you may be prolonging the inevitable by your presence in the business where a more business-savvy person would recognise whether it was unsustainable and knock it on the head if so. If there is anything you owe your Dad, it's actually some honesty about the state of the business and the fact you don't want to prop everything up any longer.

I have a hunch that when you extricate yourself, you will feel a LOT happier and more content.

Ironically, if you managed to secure another job, him using your salary to employ someone else who knows their stuff and has the desire to turn things around could be the making of the business. But you need to be upfront with him and get things moving. Good luck

You hire someone with experience in the industry already!!

Have a vague notion it may be illegal to trade when your debts exceed your assets. Talk to the accountant.

www.realbusinessrescue.co.uk/business-insolvency/trading-insolvent-director-responsibilities

@Fupoffyagrasshole with all due respect, your being a bit naive. We have no office space, I run it entirely from home. I do everything from the accounts, to customer account management to sales. I take home an admin salary at best, nobody in their right mind is going to want to run an entire business from my front room for what I take home from it. Whilst I know you're accusing me of making excuses, it's really not as simple as you're making it sound!

Give everyone a years notice that you are leaving the business and start planning. What was the job you loved?

@EugeniaGrace

It sounds like there is a difficult conversation you need to have with your step mother and your father about the future of the business.

You need to voice your concerns “the business is failing, I want out, I am am worried about leaving you in the shit, what happens if your health deteriorates” and see where it goes from there.

What would reassure you the most? A plan to wind up the business and set you free? A plan from your step mother or father to pay their mortgages without you doing the work? (This may involve selling properties/downsizing).

Right now you seem to be taking on all the responsibility for your father/step-mothers livelihood. This needs to go back to them in one way or another or you will not be free to think of your future.

This is what you need to do @bustinjieber.

You can't just walk away. When you needed a job and a salary you could live on, your dad was there. He sounds like a hopeless businessman, who will never manage to keep things going without you there running things, so do the right thing, which will also set you free.

Why can't your step mother take on the job? Are the loans in your dad's own name or in the company's name? Did you advise him against them at the time?

FWIW I think your childhood dreams are unrealistic now. You are in a completely different place and any job you go to now should give you security.

Are you a director in the business? As a pp said, continuing to trade in a failing business could be a breach of various regulations so you need to check out the exact situation. There was an easing up on this during the lockdowns but that doesn't apply any more. It's worrying that you seem to be single handedly keeping the business afloat yet you seem to know little about the exact debts. Also sounds like the business has very few assets if you're running it from home.

Having said that, the tasks you describe - admin, invoicing, banking- are absolutely not tasks that would take ages to train someone up in. Many people will already have the skills and it's a case of doing a short intensive handover. If you really want out, surely you can manage to go without your income for the short time a handover will take? Particularly if you document all the processes clearly before the other person is employed, so the face to face handover is minimal? You say working from the front room would put other people off from applying but that's not true, because many people would see it as an advantage that they can do an admin job with no commute.

Gosh OP it sounds really tough.

If it were me, I'd be having a serious talk with my dad and explain, for your life to get better, you're winding down the business so he needs to take some financial responsibility from his side. He's the one who pissed his earnings up the wall to live the high life. He's getting a salary, he can start to save.

I'd make a 12 month plan so he has sufficient time to sort his own plans and put some money aside, whilst you have a light at the end of the tunnel.

During that 12 months, I'd start doing some work on the side to get a little bit of income. Dog walking, ironing, cleaning, tutoring; anything that was relatively low intensity to just earn a little more. At the same time, I'd be deciding which career path to pursue once the business is wrapped up.

Id also work on my budget, just in case there's anything I could cut back.

Does your DP have aspirations to earn more? Is it time for a sit-down with him too? Or is he quite happy as he is?

I think you still have many years ahead of you, and you deserve a better life. I hope you can figure something out!

@BettyCarver yes I'm a director, the sole director if that makes any difference.
We're not quite failing... yet .... but I feel like we will in the next few years if something doesn't change. I do know what debts the business has, Im just about keeping our heads above water for the time being. My Dad also has some separate ones in his personal name which I'm not too sure about.

I do get what you're saying but who, in all honesty, would want to take over singlehandedly running a business that isn't likely to survive for a fairly basic wage? I just don't see it happening.

@HollowTalk I mean I guess it's an option but I genuinely don't t know where I'd even start with her. She's never been involved and struggles to turn a computer on never mind use all the systems we have to use etc

@TrueRefuge thank you there's some really good suggestions there.

I have sat and talked to my DP, he started a new job recently with (fingers crossed) good progression prospects which he is hoping means he can climb the ladder. He's fully aware of how I feel and has said if and when he's earning a bit more he'd be more than happy to support me while I get sorted.

I know I needed a kick up the backside and this thread has helped me see that!

How much longer does your dad's mortgage go on for? Is there any way anyone would buy it as a going concern?

I feel for you as you obviously don't want to let your dad down, but actually he's letting you down now as you're stuck in that job while he's spent all the money which would've allowed the business to succeed.

@HollowTalk I think another 15 years (fairly sure it's just in my step mothers name)

That would be ideal if we could, we did get the business valued a few years ago but my Dad wasn't happy with the figure. In his head he thought the business was worth X but I think he's in denial about the business now compared to how it was 20 years ago.
Maybe this would be a starting point and I just need to make him see that it might be better to cut our losses

OK what about saying to your dad that you need a meeting. Say you want a three year plan. That at the end of the three years you want to do something else with your career. You don't want to continue with admin work and you want a career for yourself where you can earn more money. It would be a good idea for both of you to get the business into as good a shape as possible in that time so that he can sell it.

You are being asked to run a business without any training or prior experience and you're doing it for a knockdown wage so that he can spend all the money on himself. That really isn't fair on you.

By giving him such a long notice period he can't say he wasn't told, can't say you're letting him down, can't say anything, in fact!

If your step mother says anything, suggest you use those three years to train her up to do the job.

Then in those three years I'd get qualified in something I really wanted to do. Working with horses just isn't viable at your age now. What else would you like to do?

I'm no financial expert, but what are the repercussions of you being the sole director? Doesnt that mean that you are responsible for any debt? this is ringing alarm bells.....doesnt that mean that if the company gets wound up you can be expected to fund any financial obligations to customers/suppliers etc? How come you dad gets the money, and you get to be the director with all the negatives that might involve?