I sit here, close to turning 40 and realise I don't feel like I've ever lived my life for ME. Perhaps this is some kind of pre-turning-40 breakdown but there's so much I want to do and just don't see a way of ever being able to do it.
Without making this too long and depressing, I basically did a job I LOVED whilst studying at 6th form and went into doing that full time after leaving school. The pay was terrible and I worked ridiculously long hours (65-75 hour weeks) but I loved it nonetheless. Met my now exH when I was 19 and we quickly bought a house together, he convinced me I needed a 'proper job' so I ended up going to work for the family (my Dads) business in an office based role. I didn't mind it at first, it was a busy office with nice people and decent pay and I finally had some free time. Years passed, marriage happened, 2 kids and then divorce. This job at least was flexible and meant I can fit round the kids busy schedules/ school runs without needing too much childcare.
Gradually however over the years the business has declined, staff have left and it's now just me and my Dad left in the business. I work entirely from home and I've been left in a position where I'm keeping it going (just) but don't really feel like I know what I'm doing. I hate it but cannot see a way out. If I left my Dad would be f*ed, he has no clue on the day-to-day running of the business plus he's totally useless with money so has no savings or pensions and is mortgaged up to the eyeballs - me leaving would ruin him. Plus I have nothing real to offer another business - no qualifications to speak of. I've toyed with the idea of going back to the job I loved when I was younger but it would involve a lot of retraining which isn't cheap and would have to be on a self-employed basis and I don't have any money to fall back on while I got myself going. I have looked at retraining in another field but again can't afford the tuition fees and cost of living while studying. Between my partner and I, we manage ok every month but there isn't really anything left once everything is paid other than a few little treats or maybe enough for a day out for the kids. We don't go on holiday because we can't afford to.
I feel so down. I had so many dreams leaving school and sometimes just wonder how I got to 40 and none of those have happened. My life has just ticked away slowly and all the things I set out wanting to do have been pushed to the side. Yes, I have a house with a mortgage and a car and 2 wonderful kids, and a loving supportive partner - I almost feel guilty for having these feelings as I know there are people far worse off than me but I just feel so stuck. My life is a cycle of - I get up, my partner goes to work early. I sort kids for school then lock myself in my office all day doing a job I despise and trying to make ends meet in a business that is struggling. Then I run around trying to sort the house/ kids/ tea out (my OH does help, he's great but he also works very long hours so isn't always around). Then I go to bed. Then it starts again.
Does anyone have any advice about how to get out of a job you hate? How to retrain while still somehow earning some money?
Sorry if this sounds really muddled I just needed to let it out somewhere. I do a great job of holding everything together and pretending everything's ok IRL