Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Child to Parent Violence - news article

59 replies

sunflowerdaysinmay · 25/07/2021 15:43

'You'd walk out if your husband hit you - you can't when it's your child'

www.bbc.com/news/stories-57942296*
*
Has anyone seen this? That poor family must be at the end of their tether. I'd never considered child to parent violence in the context of DV. Reading about it makes me wonder how prevalent it actually is!? Am I just incredibly naive? Really shows how we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I hope they find the help that they need.

OP posts:
BlatantlyNameChanged · 25/07/2021 17:31

In almost all cases these are children with incredibly complex needs that are night on impossible for parents to meet without specialist support. The fact that this support doesn't exist is a scandal.

Gingernaut · 25/07/2021 17:33

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-57942296

DustyMaiden · 25/07/2021 18:07

That is so sad. I hope the child is medicated.

Original poster
sunflowerdaysinmay · 25/07/2021 18:19

[quote Gingernaut]www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-57942296[/quote]
Thanks Gingernaut I couldn't figure out how to make the link work!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunflowerdaysinmay · 25/07/2021 18:23

@BlatantlyNameChanged

In almost all cases these are children with incredibly complex needs that are night on impossible for parents to meet without specialist support. The fact that this support doesn't exist is a scandal.
It is scandalous. I really wouldn't know where to start in this situation. The part where she talks about chasing agencies for support really hits home. It must be exhausting and isolating!
OP posts:
MildredPuppy · 25/07/2021 18:31

I belong to a support group for this. Up to 50% of children with complex SEN show violent behaviour. Its a taboo subject partly because there is so much blame placed on parents so its hard to talk about. Its very hard to get support.

PearlFriday · 25/07/2021 18:38

Oh that is so sad. Im a single parent and although my son has never hit me i do feel he has used his height to scare me. He once upturned a bin when he was angry but i cannot imagine dealing with a child who would kill the dog. His poor mother. How does she cope? She isnt safe.

CleanQueen123 · 25/07/2021 18:44

I used to be a DV support worker and it's more common than people think.

I was brought in to work with one family where the eldest child absolutely terrorised their parent and younger siblings.

The abusive parent had effectively raised this child in their own image and when they'd moved out, left the child to continue the abuse.

By the time I got involved the child had been sent to live with the abusive parent. It was that or foster care/a children's home because they were making life hell for the rest of the family.

I was supporting one of the younger siblings and it was such a sad situation. Their whole body language completely changed when we spoke about their sibling.

It was awful. I felt sorry for the family and sorry for the child that had been groomed by the abusive parent to believe this behaviour was normal and the way you got what you wanted.

Starjammer · 25/07/2021 18:57

What a sad article. That poor family.

I remember watching Louis Theroux's documentary on autism and there was a family there with a young boy who would become violent and he was starting to get to the stage where he was bigger and stronger than his mother, who was tiny, and she spoke about how she was scared about not being able to control him as he grew. When he started lashing out, she and her husband basically had to pin him to the floor and hold him down till it passed. I can't imagine living like that, it must be terrifying and stressful.

It seems like the child in the article really can't/shouldn't live at home as it seems incredibly dangerous for the woman and their dog, but then he's still a child so where can he go that will make things better? Sad

x2boys · 25/07/2021 19:14

Its fairly common in the world of disabilities, my son has severe autism and learning disabilities, hes eleven but very small for his age, he bites and scratches and nips a lot, but i know some families, where their children kick and punch etc.

Original poster
sunflowerdaysinmay · 25/07/2021 21:18

Yes I can imagine it is so difficult to talk about because there are people out there who are quick to judge. It's easy to blame someone's parenting when you're on the outside looking in.

OP posts:
doctorboo · 25/07/2021 21:34

🙋‍♀️ Happening over here.
Not exactly a situation I ever thought we’d been in, but here we are. Currently waiting for assessment (as if the wait wasn’t long enough precovid) just completed my third parenting course and DS2 has had various individual and group work with the last lot being zoom based for both of us…they haven’t been a magic fix, unfortunately.

flower11 · 25/07/2021 21:58

It's really common for parents of ASD children. Dd throws things at us, punches and kicks. She is only 8 so it's manageable but in a few years she will be bigger and stronger. I also need to make sure I protect her younger sibling. It's not a situation I expected to find myself in.

Heatherington · 25/07/2021 22:13

Here too (though nothing like as extreme as described in the article, thank god).

DD adopted age 4, always been likely to lash out when she’s stressed. It used to be okay, it’s getting less manageable now she’s a teen.

I don’t know what we’ll do and I am scared for her future relationships.

The funny thing is no-one would ever guess. She presents as completely normal out in the world.

Hen2018 · 25/07/2021 22:17

I get a fair amount directed at me. My child has ASD and probably weighs 16 stones now so he pushes me out of the way rather than kicking and hitting like he did when he was younger.

There is no support available.

GettingUntrapped · 25/07/2021 22:17

I don't think it's only children with special needs that become violent. The whole thing is more common than most people realise.

Hen2018 · 25/07/2021 22:20

My child also once gently but firmly moved a teacher out of his way. The teacher was shorter than I am, my child is enormous. This was never mentioned again as the teacher had blocked the doorway to try and stop him running away.

doctorboo · 25/07/2021 22:25

@Heatherington My ds is a master at masking. It’s made getting support hard, and because the meltdowns are mostly ‘hidden’ it’s highlighted how hard it is to prove that your child is in effect beating you up behind closed doors?

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/07/2021 22:27

Social Services blamed me for it.
If I was better mother she wouldn't have been violent towards me, and that's the very tip of the iceberg of what they said.

Heatherington · 25/07/2021 22:29

[quote doctorboo]@Heatherington My ds is a master at masking. It’s made getting support hard, and because the meltdowns are mostly ‘hidden’ it’s highlighted how hard it is to prove that your child is in effect beating you up behind closed doors?[/quote]
Yes, same.

I’ve tried videoing her when she’s raging but that obviously enraged her more, and gives her something (my phone) to focus her rage on.

We almost got as far as getting some support, but the pandemic got in the way. Frankly I wasn’t holding out a lot of hope for the whatever it was they were offering anyway.

Marguerite2000 · 25/07/2021 22:32

My daughter has ASD and is often violent. Last night she pulled my hair a couple of times and attempted to bite me. She's on medication now so is much better than she used to be. I used to be covered in bruises but it's just the odd one now. It's been going on for about 10 years now. She breaks my stuff a lot as well.
My friend has been hit by her adult daughter a few times, her daughter doesn't have ASD or SNs, it's just fights with them.
Surprised people don't realise this is going on. And girls/women can do a lot of damage as well, contrary to popular opinion on mumsnet.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/07/2021 22:33

Dd has no diagnosis, but absolutely shows all the signs of PDA.
Long story short, she couldn't possibly because it's made up, she also couldn't have ASD as Social Worker knew children with it and Dd wasn't "like them"
I apparently just wanted to put a label on her to excuse my bad parenting.

Wombat64 · 25/07/2021 22:34

Poor people.

Tho they really should rehome the dog if she's being hurt. Very upsetting.

freddiethegreat · 25/07/2021 22:37

I have been dealing with this for years. ‘Child’ is now 18 & to be fair, he tries not to be physical now, but when he loses it, he seems unable to control himself. Most recently wrapped his arm round my neck and ‘took you to the floor’(his words). Last time I mentioned this on Mumsnet (last time I posted I think) I was totally disbelieved. It’s just too difficult for people to accept & professionals struggle also because there is no easy solution so they give up.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/07/2021 22:41

I did the video thing too.
Apparently I antagonised Dd just to get the video.
I didn't, I really didn't, I was just trying to show what happened if I questioned her being an hour late home.
I was told she wasn't disciplined enough, was disciplined too much, wasn't loved, was very loved and clearly cosseted.

It got to the point where I didn't know which way was up.