I have BPD. If you love your partner, can I ask a relationship question?

[reetTwe]

If you love your partner, do you ever want space from them or need to cancel or re arrange plans? I’m currently having treatment for BPD and one of my main problems is huge anxiety over abandonment. If my partner says could we meet Sunday instead of Saturday, I immediately think he’s going off me. It is so exhausting. I am dealing with this in therapy but I thought it might help for me to hear from people who can assure me they love their partners but also sometimes have other stuff to do and that doesn’t mean they love that person any less.

Thanks

I LOVE the time I spend on my own, sometimes it's a dog walk, sometimes it's an hour at home alone. It's very important to me as an introvert to have time on my own. It that doesn't mean I don't love spending time with my OH and son. It's not very often I have time to myself but I do need to protect that little amount of time I have for my own mental well-being.

I love my partner very very much. Sometimes I feel tired, or just not up to it and I rearrange plans. It's actually a sign of how comfortable I am with him that I know this will be ok.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

@MaryBoBary do you love your DP even when you ask for time alone or feel you need time alone?

Thanks @user1477249785

I married mine and still need space. I love when he takes DD to activities. He would agree.

I work with a few people with BPD at work and I think a good mantra is "it isn't about me". He wants to slob, or cut his toenails, or have a wank, or catalogue his videogames, or wear fat pants and eat crap. It's just a need he wants to fulfill that he doesn't want an audience for.

But also, don't call up trouble. Don't give a dog a bad name. Find your own solo stuff to do.

Oh and I think my DH is the best. I love him all the time. Except when he's snoring of course. Wanker.

There was a period before we moved in together where we'd do this kind of thing. Early on, in the infatuation phase, we'd drop anything to see each other. Then we chilled a bit as we knew we were long-term and we'd move around arrangements from time to time. Sometimes it was having to stay late a work, other times a friend would move something around and we'd need to rework plans.

We ended up moving in together and we're married so it definitely wasn't a sign of anything!

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you. I just don’t know how to react to it when he rejects an idea I have or a date I want to plan. This isn’t often, we usually have regular plans, but obviously it happens sometimes.

I can’t describe how awful the feeling is. It’s overwhelming. I feel sick and panicked and immediately think the relationship is over. I always have other things to do as ironically I love my own space and have lots of friends. But this abandonment fear is so deep for me. It’s fucking tough.

I love my DH very much, love his company. I also love time to myself. One of the most difficult things during the pandemic has not being able to have that - neither of us going out, both wfh etc. We've got on perfectly well but my god have I missed time to myself!!!

I have lived with mine for 10 years, I still need time alone and will decline going out for dinner sometimes in preference of going for a run.

It's not about him, it's definitely about me and my need to be on my own.

It is co plwtely normal for people in a relationship to need and want some time on their own. I love my partner deeply, we have been together for over a decade, but sometimes I am delighted to find that I have the house to myself for the day.

How do your partner’s react when you say no to something or have to re arrange?

For instance @QforCucumber what does he say when you go for a run rather than dinner

*partners

He doesn't react tbf, we work together on these things - we both need alone time sometimes.

So I'll say no I don't really fancy that tonight, I want to go for a run and then have a long hot bath, he says ok shall we go Thursday then? Then he will watch the golf or something that I find just as tedious, we do our own things with the time.

I don't doubt it's real! For you. But not in the world.

Posted too soon! I'm guessing trauma linked to relationships. Which is what the therapy is for and that's good.

How I would react? Fake it until you make it. Have a book you're dying to read or a craft you're desperate to try. Save it until he reschedules. Then say, "great, I'll just try that fluid art thing/read that new book today" and do. You'll have something to say in the moment.

Hi OP, I have BPD and have experienced something similar to what you describe. It was awful at the start of my relationship with my husband as he worked away a lot and had a hectic schedule and every rearranged plan upset me. (I am still like this sometimes, it’s constant work to change thought patterns and learn to deal with situations like this)
Can I ask what treatment you’re getting? I’ve found DBT super helpful for learning to deal with situations like this as part of interpersonal effectiveness. You’ve got to imagine all the different reasons he could be postponing, you possibly even know them (eg work or something mundane like that), and recognise that your brain is trying to catastrophise the situation by latching onto the idea that it means something negative about the relationship so it fits with your insecurities.

@MrsTerryPratchett so just being ok with it basically? Not seeking to re arrange in a complete panic? That’s what I usually do. I want to know when we will re arrange, what we will do etc. It causes masses of stress for me and him. I hate it.

I love my husband but sometimes I just want him to fuck off for a while so I can stare at a wall in peace. Literally it's not even that I want to do anything without him, just that I want to be by myself.

I had a best friend with BPD so can understand where you're coming from. When me and my friend lived together she would get upset and ask why I wasn't taking her with me if say, I just wanted to go to the library or town by myself or something. But I still loved her like a sister. I just needed to 'recharge my batteries' in order to be a good and supportive friend. Also I am introverted whereas she was very extroverted, I need to have privacy to deal my thoughts and feelings, whereas she was the opposite.

@Cyberworrier thank you so much for your post. It’s a similar situation for me. 99% of re arranging or cancelling is DP’s work. He’s covering for people at the moment as they are off/isolating and he’s just really busy. It means at short notice plans change or are cancelled and I see it as total rejection and the end of the relationship. I don’t have any concerns that he’s seeing someone else etc it’s all just this idea that he doesn’t care about me or us.

At the moment in treatment I am learning to write out my fear, then write out all the other reasons it could be that the situation has come up. Even down to a slow reply to a text. I am getting a bit better but I don’t want to speak too soon.

I find it all very exhausting and sad. I have a full life and I find it almost amusing when the advice in the past has been to get a hobby or see friends more etc as I do all those things. My reactions are not connected to my reality, that is the problem. I have lots to do when DP is around, but you wouldn’t think it with some of my previous reactions to him being busy

I feel the same sometimes, OP. It helps to remind myself that others can have a need for alone time just as much as I need that time, and it doesn’t mean I or they love me any less. It may even enhance the time we spend together because we’ve missed each other. It helps to try to understand the feeling rather than react to it.

If it’s really bad, I will sometimes ask for reassurance by text in a casual or even funny way, and that can help. I would only use this as a last resort or infrequently, because you don’t want to manifest a problem where none exists. You want to keep an air of having your shit together as much as possible. Everyone is struggling with something or other, those who minimise and manage it do stuff with a bit more flare, which is very attractive.

I hope the reactions are fading more with time. Are you doing DBT? I’ve heard that’s brilliant.

so just being ok with it basically?

Yes. Hard as that is.

I agree with PP, DBT and massive amounts of hard work may help.

[quote reetTwe]@MaryBoBary do you love your DP even when you ask for time alone or feel you need time alone?[/quote]
Not the person you're replying to, but:

Firstly, wanting some alone time very rarely has anything to do with the other person anyway.

Secondly, love doesn't just turn on and off like that for me. Even if I'm temporarily annoyed with someone I love, that doesn't mean I've suddenly stopped loving them. It means I love them but right now I'm annoyed with them. Sooner or later I'll not be annoyed any more (either they've sorted the problem, or I got over myself, or we dealt with the issue, or whatever), and I'll still love them, no more or less than when I was annoyed with them.

If your partner feels comfortable enough with you to ask for space, or time to himself, then that is a good sign. He's secure enough in the relationship to feel that it is a constant in his life, and not something fleeting.