I have BPD. If you love your partner, can I ask a relationship question?

[reetTwe]

If you love your partner, do you ever want space from them or need to cancel or re arrange plans? I’m currently having treatment for BPD and one of my main problems is huge anxiety over abandonment. If my partner says could we meet Sunday instead of Saturday, I immediately think he’s going off me. It is so exhausting. I am dealing with this in therapy but I thought it might help for me to hear from people who can assure me they love their partners but also sometimes have other stuff to do and that doesn’t mean they love that person any less.

Thanks

Sorry, I meant that for me, wanting some alone time very rarely has anything to do with the other person. Can't speak for anyone else obviously.

That sounds helpful and I’ve done similar exercises before, listing all the different possibilities. I would recommend reading up on DBT as something you could explore with your therapist or possibly in addition by yourself (there’s a text book!) as it is a kind of therapy specially designed to help people with BPD.

DBT helps you not get as upset in the situations you describe, not get into such heightened emotional states, generally “relieves suffering” and improves quality of life. I wish I’d had it in my early twenties as it’s completely altered my experience of the world. They talk about your rational mind, emotion mind and wise mind (which is the balanced preferred option) and I realise I basically perceived everything fully through an emotion mind lens for my teens and twenties, which made everything so intense! It’s exhausting just recalling it!

The good thing about BPD is that there is effective treatment that completely alters quality of life. I just wish there was better mental health provision on the Nhs so people could access help more easily.

As you say, you have the friends, the hobbies etc. It is literally (and no offence meant!) your brain that is causing issues, hence you need very focused treatment that will help you to retrain your brain to not take unhelpful shortcuts that lead to unnecessary and frequent emotional suffering. Sorry I feel I have said too much possibly. Unmumsnetty hug to you, it is hard dealing with stuff like this.

@Cyberworrier

That sounds helpful and I’ve done similar exercises before, listing all the different possibilities. I would recommend reading up on DBT as something you could explore with your therapist or possibly in addition by yourself (there’s a text book!) as it is a kind of therapy specially designed to help people with BPD.

DBT helps you not get as upset in the situations you describe, not get into such heightened emotional states, generally “relieves suffering” and improves quality of life. I wish I’d had it in my early twenties as it’s completely altered my experience of the world. They talk about your rational mind, emotion mind and wise mind (which is the balanced preferred option) and I realise I basically perceived everything fully through an emotion mind lens for my teens and twenties, which made everything so intense! It’s exhausting just recalling it!

The good thing about BPD is that there is effective treatment that completely alters quality of life. I just wish there was better mental health provision on the Nhs so people could access help more easily.

@Cyberworrier thank you! I have just had a look for a book online.

My partner is going through a tricky work patch and I can totally see him saying he can’t meet for the next week. I’m already dreading how I will react to this. It makes me feel angry and defensive just thinking about it. In my mind it’s him ending the relationship

@Cyberworrier you haven’t said too much! It’s so helpful to read. Thank you. It’s weird because I don’t have these feelings with friends really at all. If they cancel or re arrange I don’t think much of it! It’s definitely associated to abandonment feelings that come with a romantic relationship

Yeah me too not with friends just with partners! (Although I can be very sensitive in other situations but on a different scale!)
It’s good that you’ve recognised the pattern and are aware that you’ll be feeling vulnerable next week.

I’ve been taught to do cope ahead plans where you plan what to do in the worst case scenario. Maybe you should do that? Eg plan to see a friend or do something nice by yourself when you’d usually see your partner.
Another thing to remember is what is your long term goal? If it’s a long stable relationship, what is the effect of very emotional reactions on your partner? Does it bring him closer or push him further away?
I know I certainly pushed my husband away with some of my emotional responses, he would just pull further away and I’d panic more.
So perhaps you could ask him whenever realistically he will be free and try to avoid the scenario of him saying Wednesday but then having to work late and cancelling, for example. Make it workeable for both of you, so he’s less likely to have to cancel, but remember that it isn’t the end of the world if he does have to, that it would be work related, and that a big upset or argument would be more likely to damage the relationship than missing a couple of dates during a stressful work period.
Marsha Linehan wrote the DBT manual I think! Some may be available online for free :)

I suppose it is a rejection of sorts, but a micro-one. Not a rejection of you as a person, nor of your love for him, just a rejection of that one specific date happening at that one specific time. The trouble is that your life so far has primed you to 'know' that any rejection is very hurtful and catastrophic so your brain rushes straight there and you get vet distressed.

I wonder if it would help you if you try to frame one of these micro rejections as an opportunity for your partner to show you that he comes back to you afterwards (entirely because he wants to, not because you spoke up about it) proving that he isn't rejecting you?

Rejection sensitivity is horrible though, I'm sorry that you're struggling with it.

I love my partner to bits but I physically need a couple of hours on my own and if it doesn't happen organically then every now and then I have to make it happen for my own sanity and to recharge my batteries.

It has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for him. I'm probably just reading a book with a face mask on in the bath.

You sound very self aware in that you know it's your own insecurities and unhelpful thought pattern causing your feelings rather than your partner generally - that said, I would feel disappointed too if I didn't see my partner for a week because of work, even though perhaps that can't be helped.

Oh yes. I've been married 23 years and need time alone! My husband takes our sons on holiday and I stay home. It's bliss. 😁 I've been suggesting to him that he might like to book himself into a hotel for a weekend now everything's opening up, because he needs a break.

We both know I need him out of the way for a few days ,🤣

It's got nothing to do with how much you love someone because it's not about them at all. It's about having your own needs!

I love my partner deeply and absolutely. He is absolutely the only man I've ever loved and I can't imagine life without him. We get on brilliantly and live together with no problems.

I often crave alone time and am quite happy when he heads out for the evening or goes away at the weekend. There's nothing like a bit of time to yourself! I'm always happy to see him when he comes back, but I love and need regular time on my own.

@TenShortStories

I suppose it is a rejection of sorts, but a micro-one. Not a rejection of you as a person, nor of your love for him, just a rejection of that one specific date happening at that one specific time. The trouble is that your life so far has primed you to 'know' that any rejection is very hurtful and catastrophic so your brain rushes straight there and you get vet distressed.

I wonder if it would help you if you try to frame one of these micro rejections as an opportunity for your partner to show you that he comes back to you afterwards (entirely because he wants to, not because you spoke up about it) proving that he isn't rejecting you?

Rejection sensitivity is horrible though, I'm sorry that you're struggling with it.

@TenShortStories I did manage this once and it felt really nice. I didn’t push it, just said ok I will miss you and let me know if anything changes. I wasn’t pushy or upset. A day later he had re arranged things and it was nice as it was without me doing anything at all. That’s a rare situation as I am always planning and arranging and following up and being upset when things change.

I could try that this week though if he’s busy.

@reetTwe
I have BPD too and I sort of push people away because I know (think) they'll leave/cheat anyway. Then when they've had enough and are actually going to leave I totally lose it. You're right, it's exhausting. I don't have advice but I do empathise completely.

Oh I'm not moving in with mine for this very reason. Can't be doing having them in my space all the time...I need lots of alone time.

i love my dp very much, but I also want time on my own. Same with my kids.

It sounds like you are doing really well at catching the thought that is causing you distress - that a rearranged plan means he doesn't love you or is breaking up with you. If you can, challenge that thought - even reread this thread, or think of the times he has rearranged and that hasn't happened.

I think you are being very brave looking at this. Therapy isn't easy.

I’ve had a text from DP tonight saying he doesn’t think he can meet this weekend. No explanation but suggesting calling me later.

I’ve been in tears, wanted to change his name to something awful in my contacts on my phone. I feel like a mess. This is the reaction I knew I would have. Any help please? I feel so scared and out of control. I feel angry towards him like he’s ended the relationship and doesn’t care.

@Stompythedinosaur @TenShortStories @Cyberworrier

Thing about tines where you have felt this way before, but you survived.

Have you practiced any techniques to help in your therapy sessions?

Distract yourself, if you can.

@Stompythedinosaur usually by now I would have sent a horrible text back, suggesting the relationship should end. I haven’t done that yet. I’ve just said yes we could speak later on the phone.

I just don’t know how to manage the feelings of him not wanting to see me this weekend. I feel full of fear

You are doing really well to resist that urge.

Hang on in there, no ones brain can sustain fear for too long, you will start to feel better. When emotions go up, they will eventually settle back down again (like a wave).

@Stompythedinosaur thank you

Hi OP,
You had a feeling this was going to happen, and you told us that you know it’s due to him having a lot on at the moment with work. I know it’s really disappointing as you want to see him but you need to hold on to the facts.

When you say “ I just don’t know how to manage the feelings of him not wanting to see me this weekend”, that is you making a huge assumption/judgement about him and treating it as fact (I know as I do it too about my partner!). You need to challenge the voice in your head that pretends things like “he doesn’t want to see me” are facts. What you know, is that he is unable to see you and from the wider picture you know it is to do with work. Possibly and probably there are communication issues too that aren’t helping, but confrontation when you’re feeling emotional won’t help that.

I’d say to focus on looking after yourself for this evening. Maybe write how you feel in a note on your phone but make yourself promise to not send anything heavy till you’ve slept on it and are feeling better tomorrow.

Hope you’re doing ok. I’ve been in your shoes and it is tough. X

And I really agree with what Stompy says
“Thing about times where you have felt this way before, but you survived.”

The fact that you have started this thread and are able to recognise how upset you are and acknowledge the temptation to become confrontational with your partner shows you have made a lot of progress, as I imagine there have been times before where you’ve responded immediately like that. So you should recognise that you are becoming more skilful in handling your emotions and be proud of yourself. X

That sounds like you’re doing such a great job, not responding instantly from your emotions. & agree with cyberworrier, great advice. The website dbtselfhelp.com is helpful I think in explaining the skills though it’s much easier with a therapist. Good luck, it’s so hard but so worth it

Hang in there. This is a very understandable response, but it's entirely an emotional one. If you really do need to end the relationship over this, tell yourself you can do it next week, there's no reason it has to be right now.

And in the meantime, you have not deprived yourself of the chance that he'll rearrange things and find time to see you just because he wants to, and how special and valued you will feel.

I love my husband very very much but some times I need my own space. It doesn’t mean I love him any less.