I have BPD. If you love your partner, can I ask a relationship question?

[reetTwe]

If you love your partner, do you ever want space from them or need to cancel or re arrange plans? I’m currently having treatment for BPD and one of my main problems is huge anxiety over abandonment. If my partner says could we meet Sunday instead of Saturday, I immediately think he’s going off me. It is so exhausting. I am dealing with this in therapy but I thought it might help for me to hear from people who can assure me they love their partners but also sometimes have other stuff to do and that doesn’t mean they love that person any less.

Thanks

Thanks for the support.

We spoke and it was nice but very very hard, I cried when I came off the phone as he hadn’t made plans to see me again?

I don’t know what to make of this? I’ve been drafting angry texts all morning ending the relationship or passive aggressive ones asking why we don’t have plans. On the phone I hinted that I didn’t want to not see him for ages and he said he felt the same and that he hopes things will calm down soon work wise. I hinted again at trying to have a date we would see each other and he said he would try for next weekend but he couldn’t say for definite. Is this normal relationship stuff? We had a two hour chat and he sent a nice message afterwards saying he missed me a lot and was always thinking of me. I just struggle to believe it if we don’t have a date planned?

I am struggling and feel on the edge of texting something horrible. I’m using my strategies and writing things down but I don’t know if all this is reasonable or is he taking the piss out of me I don’t know.

Thanks for the support. Nc when I logged back in as didn’t think it had saved!

We spoke and it was nice but very very hard, I cried when I came off the phone as he hadn’t made plans to see me again?

I don’t know what to make of this? I’ve been drafting angry texts all morning ending the relationship or passive aggressive ones asking why we don’t have plans. On the phone I hinted that I didn’t want to not see him for ages and he said he felt the same and that he hopes things will calm down soon work wise. I hinted again at trying to have a date we would see each other and he said he would try for next weekend but he couldn’t say for definite. Is this normal relationship stuff? We had a two hour chat and he sent a nice message afterwards saying he missed me a lot and was always thinking of me. I just struggle to believe it if we don’t have a date planned?

I am struggling and feel on the edge of texting something horrible. I’m using my strategies and writing things down but I don’t know if all this is reasonable or is he taking the piss out of me I don’t know.

He also kept saying sorry (voluntarily) when he said he couldn’t see me this weekend. He seems genuinely stressed but I think a lot of people would make time in this situation if even for an hour. We only live half an hour apart. My mind is racing

I have BPD too. I have been with my DP for 28 years and i have been exactly the same. The reason we work so well is DP is an introvert and hates socialising. I couldn't have coped with him going out with friends separately from me. Its not ideal on reflection but then he'd be quite happy never to see another person other than me and DD. We have had many rows over working late etc and that did put a strain on the relationship, i am also very dependent on him. Again, not healthy but i have to accept that my brain is wired differently and its who i am. Im not going to pretend its been easy and it still isnt but at least now i have some level of understanding as to why im like i am.

How long have you been together, what is it that he does for work ? How often do you see each other and do you text/chat often between dates?

Im loathe to say this but im not sure the issue does all lie with your BPD , however the caveat is that i have BPD too so, like you, would expect/need more.

@LEMtheoriginal only a year, just. Usually see each other a couple of nights a week and have a few texts a day or a call every few days. He does work very hard so he admits he’s a bit of a workaholic but on the flip side he’s quite introverted and time outside work is pretty much all with me.

I’m just really struggling with no date set for when we see each other. He’s never done this before but then also he’s never had to work to this extreme before. I just want to know when we will see each other next

Tell yourself it's your BPD being a twat. Then put your phone down and do something else.

It's absolutely draining to have somebody demanding set plans and promises and hassling you/messaging 'don't you love me anymore' and 'if you can't be honest and say you don't want to see me again we might as well call it a day now' and all that sort of shit, whether they have a BPD diagnosis or whether they're just a common or garden creepy, stalkery, coercive, manipulative, smothering and controlling arse; the cause might be different, but the effect upon the person trying to get through their day without having to justify themselves or placate, reassure and prioritise the other person's feelings is just the same.

If im honest, i think it is perfectly reasonable, regardless of BPD, that you should have a plan to see each other. It is very easy to over compensate for BPD and accept situations that NT people would actually take issue with.

Yes people need and deserve their own space, but that doesn't equal not making time for partners. It is perfectly reasonable to expect plans, even if you may have to accept them being changed.

Unless he is a surgeon ( although i suspect they get down time) or Boris Johnson then he surely wont be working 100% of the time. That is not healthy and frankly, id be asking myself if i would be happy to accept this level of accommodating his very important job if this becomes a permanent relationship. Im not sure i could.

Sorry, this probably isnt helping but i think its pertinent. Im willing to bet if you posted a new thread and didn't mention BPD and attachment issues peoples responses may be different. You may not be ready for that though.

@Neverdropyourmooncup whilst i agree with you, i don't think the OP is being unreasonable. This weekend has been cancelled, he now wont commit to NEXT weekend. They live reasonably close, would it be impossible to say, ah bollox i may have to work next weekend also, so lets do something one evening, or I'll pop by for a cuppa shag and a cuddle one night.

God I absolutely love alone time. My favourite thing ever is a solo skiing holiday, where I can please myself all week (DH hates skiing). Get up when I want, eat what I want, spend all day skiing, watch crappy tv, read my books. No need to consider anybody else, and no responsibilities at all. Bliss! I haven’t been able to do that during the pandemic, and am counting down the days until I can. In the meantime, I’m enjoying solo walks with a coffee and a podcast, solo yoga trips to the park, etc.

That has no impact on how much I love DH and DS - I love both of them very much indeed. I have been with DH for twenty years now, and have just always liked alone time.

Morning OP, well done on holding your horses and not doing anything you may regret.
A bit of me is tending to agree with Lem that this may not entirely be your BPD. But saying that, please don’t let your alarms all start ringing as I don’t mean that it sounds like anything dodge is going on.
Just that there possibly are two issues.

1. Your BPD making your relationship difficult (which you know)
2. Not having enough time with your partner

(And that is a statement of fact, but is not a statement about how much you like each other etc, as those would be judgements or assumptions?)

When do you next see your therapist?
If I was you, I would try to hold off doing anything till you see them and use your session to brainstorm and practice the best way of you communicating to your partner that you want to see him more (and importantly be prepared for knock backs).

If he lives 30mins from you, I do agree it seems a real shame you can’t even meet for lunch or something.

However, my partner was very like this early on in our relationship and I didn’t really realise a. How stressed he got at work and b. How bad he was dealing with emotions, so if there was any chance of something being emotional he’d try to avoid it- not because he didn’t love me but because he couldn’t cope and didn’t know what to do. Any chance your partner is similar?

Also, when you’re thinking about ending things with your partner, is that actually what you want? It would be a shame to end things if that’s not what you 100% want.

It sounds like the relationship could do with improved communication etc but I imagine you know that that is not just down to him or you that’s both of you? And also it’s understandable/human. It is really hard but it can be improved.
Take care! Any plans for the weekend to do anything nice for yourself?

@Cyberworrier thanks, I was pleased I had reigned in my usual behaviours. It helped massively and we had a nice calm chat, it wasn’t easy for me though.

My DP sounds similar to yours. He loves work and takes it very seriously, it matters a lot to him. He is also rubbish with strong emotions, he’s a rather quiet reserved man. On the flip side he doesn’t go out drinking or socialise massively, so we often have time together just me and him and it’s really nice.

I am struggling with the fact we have no next date though. I don’t understand it. I am thinking of calling him and just asking him about it as I am feeling like I can be calm for once and just take what he says and not say anything drastic. I feel a bit stronger emotionally after managing the situation last night which was huge for me - I know that must seem strange to others but it was a big deal in my world. So I’m thinking I might ask him to call or just call him and say is there a reason we can’t make plans in the interim? Is that my BPD or would that be fair and reasonable to ask?

I bet my partner would say, “but we don’t need a set date, we will see each other of course but it’s not practical to set a date now. Why are you so worried?” As he just wouldn’t understand how worried we can be.

You do sound like you are being very “wise mind” and reflective and calm, so well done. Also great that you can recognise that it’s an achievement and acknowledge that it’s hard.

I think my therapist would advise you (shes a very wise woman!) to give him notice of what you want to speak about, as if you call him and he’s in the middle of something, he may not be as receptive as he could be and that would be difficult to handle when you’re already handling so much emotionally? So maybe you could text and say “I’d really like to have a quick chat later about when we can next meet up, when would suit you?”
You could also include a bit to let him know how you’re feeling, like “I know you’re very busy with work and it’s a difficult time. Our relationship is really important to me and I’d like to discuss how we can make sure we can stay connected even in times like this, perhaps just a quick lunch at yours etc instead of over night stay while things are so hectic.”
Just to give him some ideas of what you’re going to say and so he can mull it over before you speak?

@Cyberworrier thank you. This is the thing I don’t know if it’s reasonable for me to raise it. My partner will say the same, he will just say he doesn’t know when work will calm down and so he needs to see in the week whats happening.

I feel angry and upset about it, like he doesn’t care about the relationship. Yet the last text he sent said he was always thinking of me... so my calmness last night obviously had some positive effect as we didn’t row and he was trying to show me he cared.

I just really really really want to call him and ask for clarity and why we can’t meet etc. I just want to call him right now and he’s probably not even awake

I love my husband very much, don't think I've ever really loved another man. Would not start a new relationship if anything happened to him.
But I am well aware that him having to leave the house to go to work is what has kept our marriage in such a good place through the pandemic.
In ordinary times we spend time separately with family and friends as well as together and we both need time alone.
I still look for reassurance he will miss me if we won't see each other for a period of time though.
In this specific situation it sounds like his workaholic tendencies are clashing with your relationship abandonment worries.
He doesn't want to suggest a specific time/date to meet up because he is anxious around work and can't see how he can definitely know he will be available.
You are feeling this as rejection because in part your right loads of people would be able to say I'm definitely not going in/working late this specific day and we will meet up.
I think it's great your having therapy and I hope the technique a pp had such success with works for you.
Do try to remember though that just because you have a diagnosis doesn't mean everyone who hasn't has got it all down pat!
Sometimes it's not you, it's them!

I think it is reasonable for you to raise it, but maybe unreasonable to spring it on him. I mean, he’s completely within his rights to say he just doesn’t know how busy he will be, but doesn’t mean you can’t try to reach some kind of solution where you feel like you have some contact to look forward to and he doesn’t feel overwhelmed?
What does he do? Is he working from home?

My partner is genuinely very busy with work (as I’m sure yours is!) but he does need to eat meals. So imagine suggesting bringing over lunch to his, or meeting at a cafe by his work, are reasonable suggestions. You could say you understand if he can only spare thirty mins.
If he’s adamant he’s too busy next week, accept him at his word but ask him to help come up with a solution. Would he be able to do a weekday evening the following week then? Or will the following weekend be better?
You are not unreasonable to want to know when you can see him in next few weeks. That said, it’s important to recognise his vulnerability about work stress and possibly not coping with emotions, and be gentle and understanding with him. It’s great that you notice he’s able to be more caring when you manage your emotions more effectively.

Yes I definitely need space occasionally. DP and I have been together 8 years, happy, love each others company.

But, he goes to his mates/work drinks once or twice a week and I LOVE the alone time. Sometimes I just need to be alone. I have asked him before to go to his mates so I can read my book and just be in silence. He knows I love him. So he doesn't mind.

Rearranging is usually just because something else is clashing. Like he's going to be hungover on the Sat so would rather see you Sun. Or he's got an appointment or needs to get a haircut and they're shut Sunday's.

[quote reetTwe]@Cyberworrier thank you. This is the thing I don’t know if it’s reasonable for me to raise it. My partner will say the same, he will just say he doesn’t know when work will calm down and so he needs to see in the week whats happening.

I feel angry and upset about it, like he doesn’t care about the relationship. Yet the last text he sent said he was always thinking of me... so my calmness last night obviously had some positive effect as we didn’t row and he was trying to show me he cared.

I just really really really want to call him and ask for clarity and why we can’t meet etc. I just want to call him right now and he’s probably not even awake[/quote]
'ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Uhhhh, hello? [yawn]'

'Is there a reason why we can't meet?'

'I've had every day off for the last month cancelled at the last minute because somebody's tested positive, I've already cancelled on you at the last moment twice, I'm absolutely knackered and if I say I'm definitely going to see you on Saturday and then have to go into work again, you're going to be even more upset than you are already because you'll assume I'm dumping you again . There's no point making plans when things are almost guaranteed to be screwed up by Covid/work again. But when I do have time off, I will see you because I miss you'.

(Call ends)

'ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ'

Yeah it does sound like he's just under it at work tbh. You don't need a date to know he loves you. The texts show that. He might be feeling under stress and pressure at work and just needs to sleep and relax at home.

Not everyone can schedule things far ahead. I'd just suggest you ask him if you can drive over for a quick lunch sometime instead.