divorced in court when I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown

[samesh1tdifferentday]

I used to come on here in the middle of my breakdown I remember not feeling so alone this was 5 years ago now and things went rapidly downhill.I ended up having an emotional breakdown lost live with rights to my children, all of my finances I drew a line under (I went for clean break) giving me no financial support ongoing ( I was a business partner for 17 years of which he has also walked away with) I decided to to give over the children in order to get well,I ended up in AA and have been sober for 3 years thanks to them they have been wonderful (we have 4 dc's now 11,13,15 and 17)the ex h wont let me see them more than 1 day a week and is now chasing me for CSA now that I have finally been well enough to take on a full time job in the hospital since Feb 2021 this battle is relentless and I STILL have been so traumatised i am reluctant to fight but I have now found myself on the way to building back my life and still have no finances or access to my children -our court order states "Reasonable contact "should be given and he has never given me it actually he walked up to me outside court and said "You'll see them 1 day a week"
I have made progress alone which was all I could do but now I am ready to take some kind of action with regards to building a relationship back with me, they love me (I was a stay at home mum for the whole 17 years) and nothing bad happened to the children ever although my end stage drinking wasn't a good thing ( hence why I handed them over) I am going to get Leeway involved for control and coercion, I am also applying for a new child arrangement order through the courts but am feeling a little hard done by that I was too ill to fight for anything and the court system simply let me slide I guess just making sure the children were secure which I know was the right thing at the time.This is hurting me no end and Im ready to do something going forward but really need some advie sorry its long and thank you in advance

Sorry you’ve had to go through that all OP. Do get all the support you need to gain more contact with your children. I’m sure they miss you. You do need to pay child support though.

Op ignore the post by the previous poster.

At that age it will be up to the children, what do they want?
Does the 17 year old come over more often?

Actually don't ignore that poster.

I have a good friend whose story is very similar.

She is now about 4 years post divorce and now runs her own very successful business. But her current situation remains that her ex won't accommodate her seeing her kids more than once a week and is now asking for maintenance. She now fully understands why he was so fucking awful to her for 5 years. She was an unstable mess and he was protecting their kids.

No matter how badly he went about it, and I know him too, he was desperate to keep her away from the kids and was very unpleasant at times, she can now see why her mental health, over reliance on prescription drugs and generally chaotic behaviour caused him to be scared of her and what she might do.

If any of that might be the case for you all you can do is acknowledge it and work on you. Keep in contact and keep telling him that you understand and are working on it all.

My friend still blames her ex for how he did it, but no longer hates him for having done it. And the system is now supporting her to get more access. But it is a very slow process.

Best if luck.

Your children have been through a lot during this time period. They deserve stability. A gradual increase in contact, starting with one day a week may actually be in their best interest.

Instead of fighting your xh, have you tried just working with him? You should be paying csa. I would also ask for a slow introduction with stepped increases in contact over time as the kids get used to the routine and you become comfortable in this new phase of your life.

Hiya the children are always asking to come he tells them its not their day and I have never contested that I tell them as little as possible as I know how damaging it can be>I do have toxic traits yes and Im happy to own them,I believe we can all have them but Ive never harmed the children EVER only other than emotionally whilst I was unwell they hated seeing that hence why I kept things non confrontational it is them that want to see me more and i feel i have simply done nothing for long enough now.I need to make it clear that I don't intend to fight for them back its been too long now and I am happy that he is the primary carer_(well actually his girlfriend has them all the time as he works to put you in the picture I had 2 children admitted to hospital over the past year and he didn't even notify me -he rang me to let me know my 13 year old was in emergency theatre and the other had collapsed and needed an ambulance, he let himself into my home when I wasn't there and the police have been called on him twice for his behaviour, social services aren't interested and quite rightly so as THAT would be damaging.He also took them out of schools and moved them and notified me afterwards he is acting like Im dead and unfortunately Im not! He also just bought a new house with his girlfriend 10 doors away from our marital home and the children live in a outhouse in the garden (Well the 3 eldest) his girlfriend has 2 girls of her own who are adorable but unfortunately their father hung himself 2 years ago so they have no support from him either...obviously I have anger in my writing as the whole thing has been like a horror film AA have provided me with the spiritual principles to always be kind thankfully and forgiving otherwise this would have taken me long ago but Im still here trudging for a better future for us all,I believe the children deserve a mother for the future.

motion activated dog thank you I do pay child support and have also given him £3000 on top of that from my equity please believe me that AA have taught me to "Keep my side good" which I ensure that I do.I am only looking to maybe have set days say 1 night a week and every other weekend that would be plenty its not a battle for the children i simply want to be more involved we have a great time when we are together

Thank you for all your posts so far I am not looking for a fight but I simply cant see a way for him to increase contact other than legally

please let you know also that I divorced him not that it matters now but he didn't leave me so guess my traits weren't so toxic for him to stay he was very happy for me to forsake my career (A nurse) to stay at home looking after the home and children for 17 years and also manage his succesful business too the thing I did which made him so angry was have an affair I hold my hands up yes it seems that was very damaging but at the time I felt it was the only way I could get the message across that I was leaving (I had counselling prior to leaving for 3 years to try and fix our marital problems -he attended only once-yes you are right I guess more info is important but I am happy to be honest if it gets me the support I need

I have stuck to 1 day a week for 3 years now

no progress I believe he does this to get maximum CSA and finish me off financially but thats my opinion-Ive tried mediation he didnt even answer the letter & months ago now

Proud as pie dad - I already HAVE a child arrangement order awarding "Reasonable contact to me" the judge said then he could support me until I felt more up to set days.The ex H hasn't even said hello to me in 5 years

I dont want to upset you but i cant imagine id be enthralled with an alcoholic, cheating ex. You have to accept his feelings are valid to move on. Hes also done 90% of care for years.

I mean this gently, but I do think you are missing the point here a bit. Your ex stepped up and took care of your joint children when you were not able to. They are used to him being their main carer and the most stable adult in their lives. That's a good thing, they needed him and he didn't let them down.

Many NRP get every other weekend, which is about the same as you have now. Going to court if you think you can show that you are now stable enough to have them for more time seems sensible, and the best way of (assuming that's what the children want, of course). And of course you need to pay maintenance! Having a vagina doesn't excuse you from contributing to the costs of bringing up your children.

And whats the issue with paying for them?

maybe this isn't the place for positive input OK so I will sit back and do nothing a little longer ,he knew I was alcoholic when we married he would call it heavy drinker but I was certainly vulnerable enough to snare and shape over the years into exactly what he wanted me to be I haven't touched alcohol for 3 years but unfortunately it was how I dealt with childhood trauma all of which I have either dealt with or am dealing with and I guess if Im truthful AA would tell me to wait longer and let God do his thing

no issue paying for them at all I forgot to say I had the children in my care 2 years post separation when he reduced his income from £66k to £12K immediately we divorced and refused to pay our mortgage ,this contributed to my struggle keeping them financially as I hadn't had a career for 17 years I put my all into his business and the children after borrowing 30K to survive I admitted defeat it was actually the finances more than the drinking that broke me,I was sober 6 months when I fully agreed to the live with order

Op, the ex doesn't have to say hello.

You say you are paying child support. But complain he has cms chasing you. So either you aren't paying the minimum or are skipping payments. The CSA isn't there to finish you off. They are there to make sure you are paying the bare minimum. Whatever the reason, that you are seeing them 1 day a week, you still need to financially support them.

What do you mean that the oldest 3 live in an outhouse? I assume you mean they have a self contained living area (like a granny flat)?

And how do you knows his girlfriends children are adorable?

Ive never harmed the children EVER only other than emotionally

Oh love I wonder if you are as far into your recovery as you think. Emotionally is how most alcoholic parents harm their children. I don't doubt he has some shitty behaviour too, because emotionally stable, happy people don't continue relationships with toxic alcoholics.

What you actually end is very skilled family therapy with someone who understands addiction and codependence but why would your ex agree to that? I wouldn't.

Pay CSA, as they get older they can choose more time.

If you can't meet with the DC , do they have their own phones ? Perhaps your main contact with them for now would be with them contacting you on their phones when they want to message or chat?

Is the 17yr old bound by the legal agreement (as they're over 16) or can they make their own decisions as to how often to visit you and when and for how long? If they have that freedom of choice, do they know it? I have no advice regarding the other DC apart from to say they will soon grow and can then make their own choices.

Have you had any counselling or any other sort of therapy specifically around your feelings about the break up? You come across in your posts as emotional, sounding unstable and as though you've learnt to suppress your feelings so you can appear more "ok" than you are. I don't believe feelings should be suppressed, I think they should be explored, worked through and laid to rest.

Congratulations on your new job and on staying sober. Those are both big achievements.

Op I mean this gently but taking personal responsibility is a really critical factor in recovery. Your posts sadly blame others for everything.

Congratulations on three years sober. It’s a huge achievement. And it’s great you’ve been back in your children’s lives during this 3 year period. You’re making huge strides.

I think you’ve a case to see the children more now. Good luck.

Op you have done great to quit drinking. But alot of this doesn't make sense. Including the fact that you think you have been an alcoholic the kids wholes lives, was also a great sahm.

I am sure your kids love you and you love them. But they have been through alot. I don't know what the right answer is. But shifting the blame all to everyone else, is not the answer.

You are getting positive input but, as others have said, you aren't in the right place to hear it yet.

Keep on doing all the good stuff you are doing. Don't get impatient with the process, you only hurt yourself that way.

You absolutely have to put yourself first. Nobody will be able to help you until you have yourself on a very even keel, emotionally and financially.

@samesh1tdifferentday

Proud as pie dad - I already HAVE a child arrangement order awarding "Reasonable contact to me" the judge said then he could support me until I felt more up to set days.The ex H hasn't even said hello to me in 5 years

I think the judge meant support you by being the main child carer and resident parent, not support you emotionally.