divorced in court when I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown

[samesh1tdifferentday]

I used to come on here in the middle of my breakdown I remember not feeling so alone this was 5 years ago now and things went rapidly downhill.I ended up having an emotional breakdown lost live with rights to my children, all of my finances I drew a line under (I went for clean break) giving me no financial support ongoing ( I was a business partner for 17 years of which he has also walked away with) I decided to to give over the children in order to get well,I ended up in AA and have been sober for 3 years thanks to them they have been wonderful (we have 4 dc's now 11,13,15 and 17)the ex h wont let me see them more than 1 day a week and is now chasing me for CSA now that I have finally been well enough to take on a full time job in the hospital since Feb 2021 this battle is relentless and I STILL have been so traumatised i am reluctant to fight but I have now found myself on the way to building back my life and still have no finances or access to my children -our court order states "Reasonable contact "should be given and he has never given me it actually he walked up to me outside court and said "You'll see them 1 day a week"
I have made progress alone which was all I could do but now I am ready to take some kind of action with regards to building a relationship back with me, they love me (I was a stay at home mum for the whole 17 years) and nothing bad happened to the children ever although my end stage drinking wasn't a good thing ( hence why I handed them over) I am going to get Leeway involved for control and coercion, I am also applying for a new child arrangement order through the courts but am feeling a little hard done by that I was too ill to fight for anything and the court system simply let me slide I guess just making sure the children were secure which I know was the right thing at the time.This is hurting me no end and Im ready to do something going forward but really need some advie sorry its long and thank you in advance

@QueeniesCroft

I mean this gently, but I do think you are missing the point here a bit. Your ex stepped up and took care of your joint children when you were not able to. They are used to him being their main carer and the most stable adult in their lives. That's a good thing, they needed him and he didn't let them down.

Many NRP get every other weekend, which is about the same as you have now. Going to court if you think you can show that you are now stable enough to have them for more time seems sensible, and the best way of (assuming that's what the children want, of course). And of course you need to pay maintenance! Having a vagina doesn't excuse you from contributing to the costs of bringing up your children.

She gets one day a week no overnight contact she wants a day a week and every other weekend contact

wow! the outhouse is a modular wooden building flat roof with no toilet, or water they have to go up the garden to the house for food and wee- they have been sneaking out until 2am getting drunk and pissing in the garden.
The girlfriends children are adorable because I have known them as a family for 10 years before their family separated,I knew the departed too and they came to my house to play her girls always say hi to me and wave (Kids remember the good I helped their eldest girl to swim) CSA aren't chasing me they are looking at my new income, my argument being if I can be accountable as a well mother and have the children and feed and water them I have a 3 bed terraced house by the river now in the city which they love, they go shopping when they visit and have made a group of friends in the city the only thing preventing us being together more is his control of stating "set day being a friday" of which the judge summed up "Set days ISNT 1 day a week [[name redacted by MNHQ] he is in breech of our existing order and I know for sure that the judge would be mortified that things haven't progressed he was very supportive of steps I had made .unfortunately this is what people in recovery come up with immediatey the side of him is taken until now, the police have stated since the last time he was hanging of my car door in his driveway in front of them that this was no longer acceptable and that they could clearly see my case over the years and sent me victim support (This was monumental as it was the first time I had been believed that I was doing my best I now have direct access to 999 for response from them should he act in this way again need I go on

no the judge DID mean emotionally he suggested that as ex was concerned about my mental health that if he awarded us flexible contact then if i wasn't "Up to having them" then I had the option to say I wasn't able thus keeping them safe.The judge tried to take the control out of it by being flexible

hope this makes sense it. has been worse than Jeremy Kyle.
I am an educated woman and have been a good mother until we separated I was a qualified nursery nurse and a child minder during our marriage too and giving the children to him to get well was the most difficult thing to do but I knew was the best at the time,I speak very closely to the children about me having been unwell and that I was sorry but I am doing everything I can now given my situation .I do believe that my son actually now 13 will at some point make the big decision to be with me he's still too frightened to stick up for his rights but shows signs that he knows things are unfair he has also seen e pushed out the back door by his dad and unfortunately he saw him hanging off the car door too

@samesh1tdifferentday

wow! the outhouse is a modular wooden building flat roof with no toilet, or water they have to go up the garden to the house for food and wee- they have been sneaking out until 2am getting drunk and pissing in the garden. The girlfriends children are adorable because I have known them as a family for 10 years before their family separated,I knew the departed too and they came to my house to play her girls always say hi to me and wave (Kids remember the good I helped their eldest girl to swim) CSA aren't chasing me they are looking at my new income, my argument being if I can be accountable as a well mother and have the children and feed and water them I have a 3 bed terraced house by the river now in the city which they love, they go shopping when they visit and have made a group of friends in the city the only thing preventing us being together more is his control of stating "set day being a friday" of which the judge summed up "Set days ISNT 1 day a week [name redacted by MNHQ] he is in breech of our existing order and I know for sure that the judge would be mortified that things haven't progressed he was very supportive of steps I had made .unfortunately this is what people in recovery come up with immediatey the side of him is taken until now, the police have stated since the last time he was hanging of my car door in his driveway in front of them that this was no longer acceptable and that they could clearly see my case over the years and sent me victim support (This was monumental as it was the first time I had been believed that I was doing my best I now have direct access to 999 for response from them should he act in this way again need I go on

So your underage kids are living in a glorified shed. Not properly supervised and snekaing out getting drunk.....and you haven't thought to involve any outside agencies?

You have known your exs step kids for 17 years? 10 years, plus 2 separated and 5 since the divorce. You don't actually know those kids unless you have known them recently. Calling someone else's kids 'adorable' when you haven't known them, for years, is a bit odd.

That's the problem. All this reads a bit odd.

The police, the judge all these outside agencies support you. He is neglecting the 3 oldest, but you still don't have more than one day a week?

You said he was chasing you for CSA. The CSA will simply make sure you are paying the bar minimum. If your payments to him go up, it's because you are paying less than what's considered the bate minimum.

He hasn't spoken to you, apart from telling you about medical emergencies for years. It has been hanging off your car door in his own driveway. And yet you have 'direct access to 999' incase he does what?

You complaint is that he doesn't support you and doesn't say hello. But also saying you are scared he will attack you?

I'm going to report your post above because I think you've left your Ex's name on it which makes it identifiable.

I agree with the pp's though and I don't think you're quite ready to hear the good advice you're getting. With the older children though, they are quite old enough to sort out their own arrangements. No judge would hold a 17 and 15 yo to a contact order, and I doubt they'd interfere much in what a 13 yo wants either.

I have reported it too. Just in case.

It sounds like the right thing for you to do is focus on staying stable and sober, maybe work up to more contact over time as everyone gets confident in your stability. It sounds like there is work still to be done before you can be a really active role in their lives.

* Ive never harmed the children EVER only other than emotionally*

You are clueless OP. You don’t even sound like a stable option for your children .

Yep ive had addiction issues myself but out of living with people with crack, heroin or alcohol addictions the latter was by far and away the worst, I couldnt imagine the unseen damage it could do to children. You need to approach this a different way op, 'positive' doesnt just mean whatever you want to hear.

Hello @samesh1tdifferentday just to let you know, we've edited a post to remove your ex's name.

ok no thats exactly what I need to hear I don't mind truth Im not scared of him but shouldn't be treated like that in front of the children yes it does kill me him controlling me through the kids I have contacted the authorities. they told me to go to court! I am going in circles here and sorry I can remove post myself if possible myself.
ok looks like more time is needed

Op. Your posts are not really coherent snd are sometimes contradictory,. Your focus should be on staying sober, paying your full maintenance without question, it’s based in your earnings not his, and continuing building a relationship with your children,

You need to stop focusing on what everyone else has done, stop blaming everyone else, Accept your part in this, take responsibility and focus on your sobriety, your children, paying your maintenance, and your job.

FWIW I do think your ex sounds abusive during your marriage and has possibly contributed towards your alcoholism escalating at that time.

I think he is partly responsible for engineering the situation where you couldn't keep the DC, possibly to punish you for leaving him. Certainly reducing his earnings to avoid paying much child maintenance at that time wasn't him being a good dad or a reasonable person at all. You also contributed to that situation, firstly by being alcoholic which will have made you struggle to be a good parent, and meaning secondly that money you needed for life's essentials went on alcohol, contributing towards you not being able to afford to keep the DC.

I don't see you as typically "a cheater". It sounds like you had an exit affair due to feeling controlled and unable to therefore simply leave. As if you felt you had to create a reason for him to not want you?

And I think your ex is still trying to exert his control now.

Unfortunately for you, I don't think entering into a legal battle with an abusive person whilst you are trying to recover from childhood trauma is going to be in your best interests for recovery. It could push you back into alcoholism through stress.

In the interests of balance I will say that I don't believe there is such a thing as an alcoholic who isn't abusive in some way (often emotionally. And emotional abuse can be equally or more so as damaging as physical abuse). I think the abusive traits come as part of being an alcoholic. What I can't say is whether abusive alcoholics were abusive before they became alcoholic, because I've only ever met these people at the alcoholic stage so I haven't known them sober. So I'm not calling you an abusive person in general, I don't have the information to judge that.

I do think you're right to continue as you are for now, continue trying to heal yourself and repair your life, have the best relationship you can within the limited contact you have with DC and hope for a good relationship with them as adults once they turn 16/18.

OP, I concur with (some of) the previous posters. You do not have enough insight into the impact of parental alcohol use upon children and your posts are more focused on your needs and feelings about the children's father than the best interests of the children. And the resentment of paying maintenance shines through too.

bluntness thank you that is what Im doing I just worry about them yes I do sound contradictory sometimes as I cant recall the timeline it feels like 1 huge mess Im happy to wait and carry on if thats needed thank you

I’d also urge you to focus on your children’s well being. Do not express this stuff to them. Your comments about your ex shoving you out the door, or hanging off the car, indicate possibly you were doing something. Something was occurring to cause him to do that.

Your thirteen year old shouldn’t be “scared to stick up for his rights”. Maybe he wants to continue to stay with his father and doesn’t know how to tell you Please do not pressurise an already damaged young boy. Your comments indicate you’ve been taking that discussion.

This is not a war between you and your ex and who wins. It’s about four children who both parents need to put first and do what’s really in their best interests..

Firstly .. congratulations on been sober and getting a full time job.

You do say your ex knew you were an alcoholic when you met.. presumably you haven’t been emotionally available for your children. The emotional damage you have done to your children doesn't just fix because you are sober.. you really have no idea how honest they are been with you... fear of upsetting you , setting you back is real.

The cma do charge10% of your wagesit is very low compared to the cost of raising 4 children.

My overall feeling reading through your post is those poor children.

You can have access to school reports.

I also think you have much more work to do.

I

Op, your first post seemed to imply that your recent stability only began in February of this year. Can you see why the thread went in the direction it did based upon that information?

Also, as the child of an alcoholic with mental illness issues, it hurts any time I see a parent dismiss the damage done as only emotional. It’s a very common refrain so it’s unsurprising, but it also doesn’t remotely reflect the reality of the situation.

Yes I do get upset about the money when Im struggling I have worked all through COVID on the frontline for the NHS and its been very tough but rewarding.I give our children money directly all the time actually to the tune of 40/50 a week on occasions due to guilt leaving me short now.
Although I drank cheap Lidls wine I never drank in ANY of my pregnancies or even breast feeding not a justification but truth and I actually left him due to his extreme involvement in sports ie he sponsored football teams,coached in his spare time, boxing clubs,went abroad to watch boxing whilst our children were small,leaving me at home with them breastfeeding and diarrhoea,he bought a racing motor bike which he went out on every sunday leaving me at home,mini motos (accidentally bought 4 one year by swiping his card twice-that company then went bust), fishing,clay gun shooting and again on it went,during my recovery I finally learnt to say NO! this was part of my childhood trauma response that i wanted to be accepted by saying YES constantly, he drove a Nissan Nivara king cab worth £12000 whilst I drove a Renault scenic for 6 years worth £3k and I even worked at a holiday camp to get cheap holidays for us as a family as we would never have had a family holiday in 17 years.He once took the savings of our daughter to pay for a weekend away holiday in wales to see my family as we were short so yes we both mis-spent at least I don't continue to do the drinking he certainly hasnt stopped ANY of his extra curricular hobbies

his father and sister are also active alcoholics

Do you have contact with any of the children over the phone? Do you get to text with the 17 year old at least?

It’s quite a tricky one as either the children want to see you more and ex is stopping that or they are happy with just the one day a week and don’t want to tell you to not hurt your feelings. This might just be simply because they like going to see their friends on the weekend and it’s nothing bad about you.

How far away do they live?
If they live quite close I would say that it’s the children who have chosen to keep it to once a week else they’d just come and see you without him knowing.

If I was you I would keep it once a week but increase the texting and ringing and then ask them round for tea once or twice a week. If ex tries to stop this then go to court and get proper access.

@samesh1tdifferentday

his father and sister are also active alcoholics

This is completely irrelevant unless he leaves the children in their care.

I have plenty of alcoholics in my family. My child had never met the worst of them and has never been so much as alone in a room with any of them. The ones we see, we never see while they are drinking. Their alcoholism has nothing to do with my character and I’ll be damned if it will ever have any impact on my child.

hi toocold thank you for some more gentle responses when I already feel such a failure at life, they live 12 miles away but I got a property near to the busses and trains and they do use those the older 2 and they do come when they like they often come and relax here when Im at work as their house is busy, they have also recently had friends stay over don't get me wrong its improving but I guess I am being alcoholically impatient for a change they have very busy social lives and he has 3 of them playing football for teams 5 nights a week during term time (The holidays are much welcome for me as it frees them up more)my second daughter is in a football academy and a second team my eldest works too so I know they are busy its my baby that I miss I had him on my own for 3 years as the others were at school and it was just him & I we had such a fantastic bond.we still do actually but you cant beat snuggles with your mum & bagpuss to this day.

So you do see them more than just once week and have had them over? When they choose to?