Advice needed on how to break up with friend

[Londono]

I've got/had a very good friend, we've known each other since uni, bridesmaids for each other, godmothers to each other's children, live in the same city now, families socialise together etc.

I've supported her through the sad and protracted death of her DF, her gruelling 2x IVF journey, miscarriage, arrival of twins, the lot.

I had a very difficult divorce last year after I discovered DH's affair and she vanished! Obviously everyone had a lot on their plates last year, I totally get that, but we went from messaging daily (which we've done for years) and going for walks weekly (when that was all that was allowed) to nothing at all.

Now I definitely didn't burden her with my problems as she disappeared at the first sign of them so that isn't to blame. So she has missed all the awful twists and turns of the divorce and the big stuff like the house moves, EXDH moving in with the OW etc.

Now she has popped back up wanting us to go for dinner to 'catch up' and I just don't know what to say. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face but I feel like if friends aren't there for you in your worst times, what is the point? Now, I know how hurtful people on here find ghosting but the alternative is actually telling her that she's let me down and I just don't know what that will achieve as she can't go back in time and be a better friend. I also think she'd be quite defensive if I said anything to her about how much she's had on her plate with her DTwins etc (all true I'm sure)

WWYD?

I wouldn't bother saying much OP. Text back something about how life is a bit hectic but you'll have a look at the calendar and get back to her. Then don't.

If she has any self-awareness at all, she'll realise.

Maybe she disappeared for a different reason? COVID was a difficult time for people?

If you really don't want to patch things up then I see no mileage in saying anything about it tbh.

Think I'd just say I'm really busy, so can't meet, but hope she's OK and got through the strains of life given COVID last year in good health.

Do you think there's anything she could say that would make the friendship salvageable? If she apologised profusely would you be able to move on, maybe not now but at some point in the future? If so, then maybe tell her how you feel and that she let you down, badly, and give her the chance to make amends. If not, then probably the easiest thing would be just to make excuses and let her draw her own conclusions.

As long as you can be sure that you didn't do anything that could be construed as wanting to be left alone, then just tell her that you're disappointed with her lack of support through the toughest time of your life and that you're therefore disinclined to pick up the friendship now. Try to get the expression 'fair-weather friend' in somewhere.

I think given you have such a long-term, deep relationship it would be absolutely the right thing to tell her how you feel. Give her a chance to explain what happened. If she's defensive and doesn't want to engage then walk away. At least she'll know why.

I’d explain in a few sentences that you feel that when she was going through difficult times you were there for her, but when you were going through difficult times she seemed to vanish, and at the moment you feel like it’d be very difficult for your friendship to recover from that.

Can I also add, I know someone like that!

When she moved on from me she "adopted" another who could drop and collect her child to/from primary school. She was then promptly dropped when her daughter went to a different secondary school.

I have been thinking about this @Reallybadidea and I don't think there is anything she could say to make it better. It has been such a huge life change and upheaval and she has been no where to be seen, either in person or on text.

By contrast other friends and people on the periphery of my life have really done so much for me and it has highlighted her absence.

@Immunetypegoblin That's what I've been thinking of doing as I'm not sure what saying anything achieves anyway.

Depends on whether you want to have your say or not. Let her get defensive, you can still tell her to fuck off.

Or just ignore her. She'll get the message.

I would counsel that you don’t know what’s going on in her life until you catch up. There might be things that she couldn’t tell you - precisely because you were going through stuff. I’d give the benefit of the doubt.

I think that's totally fair enough. And I'm really sorry that you've also had to deal with the loss of this friendship at the same time as your marriage ended. That must be incredibly tough. I'm glad you've got other friends who support and value you.

@Kezzie200 I'm not sure this was quite it. It was like she couldn't get involved with me having emotions and she just faded away rather than roll up her sleeves and support me. Now I'm through the worst it feels like she wants to pick up where we left off.

I don't think I did do anything that made it look like I wanted to be left alone but I didn't spell it out to her during the time - ie where are you? And I didn't suggest going for a walk as normally we work around her schedule with the twins.

I'd tell her how I felt.

I would be suspicious as to the timing of your splitting with your husband and her stepping away.

I have often witnessed long standing friends of a wife take sides with her ex husband and end up dropping the wife and being pally with the ex husband and his new partner only to resurface at a later date all smiles and wanting to be pally again with the wife, usually it’s just for a fishing expedition and garnering information.

I would agree but she and ex DH never really clicked so I don't think that's it either and her DH only likes to socialise with his friends so it has always been me and DF and our DC meeting up. With only annual get togethers with the men there.

That’s shit OP. Some friends, even close ones, just aren't good during the bad times. Maybe you can accept that and regain some aspects of your friendship and maybe you can’t, but it might be worth meeting up just to gauge how you feel when you see her.

I know a lot of people say, "You don't know know what she is going through" but you've already said that she has unloaded her problems on you for support before. She's happy to take your help but a real friend would put aside their issues at one point to lend an ear to a hurting friend. Just umming and aahing at the right bits can be a comfort.

She is a fair weather friend. A friend when it suits her. Losing a friend like you did is another break up and her dumping you meant you had to go through two relationship breakups at once. Do you want her back in your life at all? I know I wouldn't so I wouldn't be afraid to tell her to go to hell. Or if I didn't want the added drama or upset, ghost her disloyal arse.

@Cornwallnewbie I don't feel able to meet up and make small talk with her

@OhRene This is how I feel really. The 'you don't know what she is doing through' - is true but she DID know what I was going through and disappeared. Covid has been shit for everyone and she had homeschooling twins to contend with but I see from FB that she managed to meet up with other people too.

I don't want any drama in my life so I don't want to take any action that causes that with her if it doesn't achieve a better outcome, and we will definitely bump into each other at various local places. But part of me also wants to tell her why I don't want to pick up where we left off and keep seeing her. Although I can't believe she can't figure it out.

I would say to her that you're surprised she's in touch now and that you were disappointed that she wasn't there for you when you needed her. I would see what her reason/excuse is and then decide if I want/care enough to try and move forward or decide to call time on your friendship. Her behaviour has been pretty shitty but I would want her to know that. She obviously doesn't think she has done anything wrong if she's now trying to continue as before.

Could you relegate her to acquaintance rather than close friend? So then you’re not closing the door completely but merely pressing the pause button. There will be a time when you’re not so raw and not so angry. Then you might be grateful you didn’t burn the friendship down.

She did send a 'Sorry, I've been really busy' reply to one message a few months ago when she asked how I was and I told her that I wasn't great.

I just don't think that cuts it.

@FreeBritnee This is what I've been wondering too. And I don't want to act now and regret it. But I've got plenty of acquaintances, not really sure why I'd need another one

@EssentialHummus

I’d explain in a few sentences that you feel that when she was going through difficult times you were there for her, but when you were going through difficult times she seemed to vanish, and at the moment you feel like it’d be very difficult for your friendship to recover from that.

I think this is what you should do.

No need for drama if that’s not what you want
No need for ghosting

Just a fade out.

You can’t meet up
You can’t make coffee
Send a perfunctory birthday card
And so on

Personally I couldn’t be doing with any drama or letting her down gently and would just block her number and block her on any social media etc.

Why should you have to feel awkward about what to say? She is not a true friend.

Friendships evolve and what was once a good friend is now dead weight.

Don’t waste your Rumer in her and block.

I’ve sometimes dithered over replying to people and then though what a waste of my time and just blocked them and immediately felt so much better.