Advice needed on how to break up with friend

[Londono]

I've got/had a very good friend, we've known each other since uni, bridesmaids for each other, godmothers to each other's children, live in the same city now, families socialise together etc.

I've supported her through the sad and protracted death of her DF, her gruelling 2x IVF journey, miscarriage, arrival of twins, the lot.

I had a very difficult divorce last year after I discovered DH's affair and she vanished! Obviously everyone had a lot on their plates last year, I totally get that, but we went from messaging daily (which we've done for years) and going for walks weekly (when that was all that was allowed) to nothing at all.

Now I definitely didn't burden her with my problems as she disappeared at the first sign of them so that isn't to blame. So she has missed all the awful twists and turns of the divorce and the big stuff like the house moves, EXDH moving in with the OW etc.

Now she has popped back up wanting us to go for dinner to 'catch up' and I just don't know what to say. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face but I feel like if friends aren't there for you in your worst times, what is the point? Now, I know how hurtful people on here find ghosting but the alternative is actually telling her that she's let me down and I just don't know what that will achieve as she can't go back in time and be a better friend. I also think she'd be quite defensive if I said anything to her about how much she's had on her plate with her DTwins etc (all true I'm sure)

WWYD?

I think I’d send a message along the lines of:

“Hi Friend’s name,

It really has been a difficult year - the divorce, moving house, ex moving in with the OW - to be honest, I wouldn't have got through it without the support and encouragement of my friends. Unfortunately that didn’t include you. I have given you endless support and been there for you through some difficult times, and I am sad that this friendship was all one way, and you weren’t able to give me the same sort of support during a very difficult time in MY life.

I wish you well in the future, but do not want to make any plans to meet up.

Yours,
@Londono.”

If you feel the friendship is over for you, I think you owe it to yourself to tell her why, and to know that you have been honest about your feelings.

I honestly would t waste any time or energy on composing things to say.

By blocking her you are signalling that’s you have cut her off and then she can be the one stewing about what went wrong.

Let her be the one to worry about bumping into you.

I don't agree galassia. I went through similar with a friend last year, and it was a very empowering moment for me - once I realised that things weren't salvageable - to write a few sentences saying that No, I wasn't going to meet up with her and this was why.

I wasn't cruel or attacking or trying to solicit a reply but stated very plainly that things were now at an end. Like the OP, a lot of my friend's behaviour towards me was confusing and hurtful, and it felt great to basically say Let me model some decent grown-up behaviour for you before shutting that door.

I had a friend who repeatedly ghosted me. She had been my best friend since Primary and we were in our late twenties. We had been closer than sisters. Something changed and she stopped taking my phone calls. If it suited her, she would call me and act normal, but most of the time my texts to her went unanswered.
Every few years she would get back in touch, act all pally with no explanation and dangle the carrot of friendship again. Within a week or two she was gone again. This happened 3 or 4 times over a 7 or 8 year period. The final time I just replied, "Sorry, who is this?" Letting her know I had deleted her from my phone (I hadn't in case she ever phoned so I could send her to voicemail). She told me who is was and I said, "Oh, right. No thank you" She couldn't believe it and wanted to know what I meant by that. I just ignored anything after that.
Some people are just selfish pricks. Only their problems matter.

Ohh that was absolutely perfect, @OhRene - well done!!

Now that you have established that she is a fair weather friend could you continue on that basis?
You have no need to invest anything more into the relationship than she does.
If it makes you feel better then explain how you feel to her. In my experience the sort of emotional exchange that this elicits means it’s not particularly helpful to the person who is the giver in a relationship.
It’s a very disappointing situation for you to have to deal with and you have my sympathy.

Well done for getting through the challenges. It’s personal choice what option works for you. I’m not someone who’s keen on fair weather friends. I like a few deep friendships and then lots of superficial friendly ones where I would help in a genuine crisis but I wouldn’t except them to help me routinely or me them. People who want what I offer empathy- and support- wise and don’t reciprocate I get a bit to busy for. I would definitely not want to renew a friendship in the circumstances you outline. I would be deeply hurt. I’d expect superficial friends to offer more support than she did. If she didn’t have capacity to help or it triggered her then as a close, deep friend I would expect that to be stated. I would say something along the lines of “hi. Hope you’re well. Life very busy at the moment. Will check the calendar and be in touch when in calms down”. And let it drift. I don’t think someone who acts the way she does deserves to understand how you feel, is unlikely to genuinely hear what you I have to say and silence often gives the message anyway. All the best. I’m glad there were other people around to offer the support.

I went through something a bit like this except the friend completely ghosted me. It was intensely hurtful.

I think you should tell her how you feel and what it did to you when she essentially dumped you at your greatest time of need. Partly because it will help you if you feel you have said what it was like for you when she did that, partly because it may help her to grow as a person and learn from her mistakes (doubtful, but you may as well give her some feedback so she can in theory improve in the future).

Then I'd move on. Your friendship is clearly dead in the water as you say you don't know if you can get past things or whether you even want to be in touch with her, so that says it all for me. The only dilemma is whether you tell her why you are walking away or not, and yes I think you should tell her. You might wish years down the line that you had explained your side of things and the moment to do so will have long passed by then. Now is the time to tell her and have an honest conversation where you lay some ghosts to rest.

I'm sorry you've had to endure this as it is incredibly distressing, especially if the person was a friend you loved a lot and were confident would be there for you/you'd know for life. I hope you've got other good people around you who treat you well, as you deserve to be treated.