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Original poster

Advice needed on how to break up with friend

58 replies

Londono · 23/07/2021 10:21

I've got/had a very good friend, we've known each other since uni, bridesmaids for each other, godmothers to each other's children, live in the same city now, families socialise together etc.

I've supported her through the sad and protracted death of her DF, her gruelling 2x IVF journey, miscarriage, arrival of twins, the lot.

I had a very difficult divorce last year after I discovered DH's affair and she vanished! Obviously everyone had a lot on their plates last year, I totally get that, but we went from messaging daily (which we've done for years) and going for walks weekly (when that was all that was allowed) to nothing at all.

Now I definitely didn't burden her with my problems as she disappeared at the first sign of them so that isn't to blame. So she has missed all the awful twists and turns of the divorce and the big stuff like the house moves, EXDH moving in with the OW etc.

Now she has popped back up wanting us to go for dinner to 'catch up' and I just don't know what to say. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face but I feel like if friends aren't there for you in your worst times, what is the point? Now, I know how hurtful people on here find ghosting but the alternative is actually telling her that she's let me down and I just don't know what that will achieve as she can't go back in time and be a better friend. I also think she'd be quite defensive if I said anything to her about how much she's had on her plate with her DTwins etc (all true I'm sure)

WWYD?

OP posts:
Galassia · 23/07/2021 11:01

Rumer means time! Don’t waste your time on her!

Original poster
Londono · 23/07/2021 11:01

@Marmitemarinaded Yes. And I guess if she actually wanted to know what's going on she could ask? And then I could say.

Although I feel like this way allows her to think 'well I tried to meet up with her but she turned me down' rather than knowing the truth.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 23/07/2021 11:02

If probably just say you were hurt that she disappeared when you needed her and that you feel that the friendship is over but you wish her well for the future. Just state it very matter of fact and not accusatory.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Notaroadrunner · 23/07/2021 11:03

After going through a trauma some years ago I experienced a similar situation. Friend who I'd spoken to a few times a week was nowhere to be seen. The friendship never recovered. If I bump into her I'd have a chat but we are not in contact at all. I'd let this one go as it will always be in the back of your mind how badly she's let you down. Tell her you are not available to meet up. I don't think there's any point getting in to the ins and outs of why as she will probably find a way to make out it was your fault.

Marmitemarinaded · 23/07/2021 11:07

[quote Londono]@Marmitemarinaded Yes. And I guess if she actually wanted to know what's going on she could ask? And then I could say.

Although I feel like this way allows her to think 'well I tried to meet up with her but she turned me down' rather than knowing the truth.[/quote]
You’re giving this way too much brain energy.

Just a fade out.

You don’t live locally. And see each other rarely anyway. It won’t take long.

Original poster
Londono · 23/07/2021 11:09

Sorry you went through this too @Notaroadrunner. I would never have predicted it from her to be honest and actually I've been so very lucky as the gap left by her has been filled by me fostering closer links with other people. So I'm not sure I even miss her but I am still very hurt by it.

OP posts:
Marmitemarinaded · 23/07/2021 11:09

[quote Londono]@Marmitemarinaded Yes. And I guess if she actually wanted to know what's going on she could ask? And then I could say.

Although I feel like this way allows her to think 'well I tried to meet up with her but she turned me down' rather than knowing the truth.[/quote]
Who cares if that’s what she thinks

Bigger picture is you don’t have to see her anymore

Mzy123 · 23/07/2021 11:09

I don't think it cuts it either. If a friend messaged me and said they were not great I would be phoning them immediately and arranging a meeting up or whatever was possible at that time with restrictions. She's been a poor friend but if part of your group for socialising then I think you should be honest with her. If she gets defensive so be it but at least you have been honest and up front

Original poster
Londono · 23/07/2021 11:10

@Marmitemarinaded We do live locally to each other - we will undoubtedly see each other. In fact I bumped into her DH at one point and we exchanged pleasantries but that was it.

But I'm sure I am giving it too much headspace! But wanted to talk it through on here.

OP posts:
StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 23/07/2021 11:11

Just tell her straight out that you are not willing to meet her as she was not there for you when you needed her. No need for ghosting or blocking or any other drama, just be honest. She might reply and tell you she has been through a lot too that you may not know about or might just apologise but nothing ever harmed anyone by just being honest.

StMarysKettle · 23/07/2021 11:14

I've let plenty of toxic people fade away from me and it's liberating.

I would definitely try and find some way of telling her why you aren't interested in talking to her. Let her know you're hurt. She might not care but then there's nothing left to rankle at you that you should have told her.

Imissmoominmama · 23/07/2021 11:15

Playing devil’s advocate- could she have been going through something herself and didn’t want to further burden you?

You’ll only find out if you get back in touch.

But only if you want to.

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 11:15

I think I'd be being calmly honest, in your situation. You don't feel comfortable ghosting her, and the friendship can't be saved. I think it's best to tell her that for you, the friendship has changed because she went out of touch at a time when you really needed friends, and she wasn't there for you, and that you don't feel like meeting up with her at the moment.

Second guessing what she might think and reacting according to that is game playing.

Just tell her how you feel and move on. It doesn't have to be a discussion, and it she tries to have a discussion, you can tell her it's not a discussion.

She's been disrespectful to you. You don't have to pander around her delicate feelings. Just tell her the truth, without drama.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/07/2021 11:17

I'd be tempted to reply along the lines of
"I don't understand. You've practically ghosted me for the worse X months of my life, when all i needed was to know you had my back. And now you're behaving like that never happened"

snowdropsandcrocuses · 23/07/2021 11:21

I typed out a response op with a passive aggressive example of a message I thought you should send. Then I remembered that I in fact was your friend in my own situations.

I became very close with someone when we had babies of the same age. Daily texting, meeting up all the time, talk about anything.

Then when dd was 3 I started retraining in a new job and had to stay away from home Monday-Friday. I was back two days a week when I would see my kids and dp, do my washing, study then straight back to job.

Unfortunately she was diagnosed with cancer around the same time. Now she had a lot of good friends at the time who relished being the helpful kind (you know the kind #bekind #24hrsewathon #charity!) and they moved in to support her. I told myself they were all she needed. I still kept in touch but I just didn't have the space to be better. I finished training and I should have done more but by then I'd dropped the ball and the new job was stressful with shift work and still I'm missing my kids and being home with them.

The moral of all this is that I let her down. I wasn't there when she needed me the most. I'm pretty sure she felt abandoned by me. I had reasons. Lots of them. But I also, if I'm honest, can't handle cancer diagnoses well. I lost close family when I was a teenager to cancer and it broke me. I am terrified of people dying when they get cancer. I then cannot deal. This all happened nearly a decade ago. We are still friends. I might even say good friends. I can talk to her about anything and recently she's been reaching out to me more as well. But we will probably never be as close as before. Years later she found herself away from home a lot and she told me she understood what I'd been through. Which was nice.

So my advice, go on the dinner, see what she has to say. If you're close or once were, the conversation will come up. If she pretends nothing happened then you make your choice accordingly I guess. It doesn't make you a pushover to understand life happens to other people. It's only bad if I keeps happening.

Windingroad21 · 23/07/2021 11:27

I couldn’t have her in my life personally. I’ve an ex ‘friend’s own bounced in and out of my life when she felt like it. Trust is gone, broken for me. So I’ve done what she’s done to me- disappeared.

How could you ever trust her again? It would make me feel too exposed. I get your curiosity in trying to understand- but for me anyway, it doesn’t change what’s happened, the hurt, unknown.

You sound lovely, and you’ve been through a lot. Stay strong, better times are ahead and there will be new people to confide in, share this with.

Original poster
Londono · 23/07/2021 11:39

@snowdropsandcrocuses Thank you for your response, it was very interesting to read. I do wonder if she thought that as I had other people, I didn't need her. But I did. I'm glad your friend is well now and that you've found a way though. I'm not sure I will be able to because I'm not sure I want to.

OP posts:
Concestor · 23/07/2021 11:44

I would reply:

Hi friend, I'm not really sure if I do want to meet up. I supported you when you were having a hard time but when I was struggling and going through my divorce I feel like you didn't give me the same kind of support. Right now I'm not sure that I can get past that. What are your thoughts?

I think the question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be her friend any more? If so then have a good chat about it, but if not then you can just move on

Wallywobbles · 23/07/2021 11:44

My DSis said much the same to me. Her DH was in hospital and she was angry about my lack of support. It wasn't my intention but I just thought I don't want to add to your loaded plate.

Clearly my thinking was completely wrong.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2021 11:49

Why would you be adding to her problems if you were truly supporting her, @Wallywobbles?

Original poster
Londono · 23/07/2021 11:50

Did your relationship recover @Wallywobbles?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 23/07/2021 15:28

@Londono Yes, our relationship is fine I think. It was about a decade ago now.

@HollowTalk - that's a good question, and it says more about me than her, obviously. I hate the phone, and when people call it's more of a PIA than a help. I also don't really like dwelling on my problems - I'll ask my lawyer/accountant (or whatever) for advice if I need it, otherwise I'd rather my friends were a distraction.

At that point I was going through a lot of stuff myself, and if she called we'd have ended up talking about all my issues, and I felt (wrongly) she didn't need that.

But I wasn't even a distraction for my sister, and that was really poor behaviour on my part. But not for the reasons that one might imagine i.e. I'm happy to listen to others problems, happy to talk about life, death, divorce and all the rest of that - not one to shy from others problems.

Jailbreak42 · 23/07/2021 15:49

Do you think your relationship can be repaired OP? This could be the opportunity to meet with her and discuss it face to face, perhaps clear the air with her?

If you cannot be honest with a friend, then I don't think they are really your friend. If you are honest with her and she gets in a strop, then the relationship is over. If you never speak your mind, it will fester forever and the relationship will end eventually as well.

You could respond by saying something like 'I'm really sorry but I'm still really busy dealing with the aftermath of my horrible divorce and I don't think I am up to this right now'. See what she comes back with.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 23/07/2021 16:39

I'd go with a non-committal text along the lines of being surprised to hear from her, you hope all is well, but that you're busy at the moment or simply that now isn't good for you so maybe another time

It hurts when people let you down and she has failed you here and you have no obligation to her whatsoever as it sounds like you've been a really wonderful friend to her in the past. There are better people out there so do not feel bad, you are not in the wrong here so shake off any guilt you may be feeling.

FetchezLaVache · 23/07/2021 16:53

@Londono

She did send a 'Sorry, I've been really busy' reply to one message a few months ago when she asked how I was and I told her that I wasn't great.

I just don't think that cuts it.

No, damn right it doesn't.

What a shite reply to someone going through what you went through who acknowledges that they're struggling. If she doesn't already know what she's done wrong, she bloody well needs telling.

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