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Original poster

Who should visit dying person?

66 replies

WishIWasSomewhereElse · 21/07/2021 12:01

I had a thread about my dad, but need answers to this, my head is all over the place, especially due to this heat, so need objective advice.

Dad is within last days of life (he was predicted to pass by end of last week, but is strong).

He is unresponsive, hasn't drunk or had any fluids, since Saturday (no drip or hydration at all).

A sort of friend of dad's has texted me to say she wants to go and see him, along with a few other friends of his.

I did think dad would like his oldest friend to pop in, but these are not that old.

My mum is against it, and to be honest I'm worried that we will have acquaintances there when he passes and have their grief as well as ours, plus they WILL expect to be given food and drinks and mum has enough on her plate running ragged looking after dad, looking after their two dogs and having nurses and carers in throughout the day.

If I'm there I could make a drink, but don't feel like playing hostess to be quite honest.

It's actually distressing to see him as he's gasping for air, I don't think they understand this, plus mum wants to just be with us (family).

I think dad's oldest friend popping in for a couple of minutes would be nice, but not a crowd.

What do I say/do?

[Message from MNHQ: please see OP's sad update before responding]

OP posts:

Mydogisagentleman · 21/07/2021 12:03

One friend yes, hangers on, no. I would be inclined to stipulate a time limit too.
5 or 10 minutes is adequate.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 21/07/2021 12:03

I think it's your mum's decision.
so I'd support her, whatever she wants.

I'm really sorry about your dad.

Redsparklybucket · 21/07/2021 12:05

Just say no - he is not up to visitors apart from family. Be selfish and spend as much time with him as you can Take care of yourself

Aknifewith16blades · 21/07/2021 12:19

You say that you appreciate the kind thoughts, but he isn't able to receive visitors now.

From what you have said, I would have no hesitation in saying no to this. A sort of friend? and a group of people? No.

Sorry about your dad - do everything you need to do to look after yourself and himself.

GetTaeFuck · 21/07/2021 12:38

“Unfortunately only family members are permitted to visit”

Iknowtheanswer · 21/07/2021 12:43

You just say no. That you are sorry, but he is no well enough for visitors.

You could have a word with his oldest friend and explain how poorly he is.

Sorry about your Dad. I've been there, and it is hard.

Bells3032 · 21/07/2021 12:45

When my mum was dying we decided to ask her two closest friends to visit - one did and the other couldn't face it (fair enough). No one else but family were allowed as we thought she'd hate people seeing her look so awful. But we have a big family so we had a rota of people with her at all times. Are you and your mum getting breaks? If not it may be reassuring for you to have someone there if you do.

But if yiu don't want them there thars your choice. Covid is a good excuse and just say the hospital said family only

HollowTalk · 21/07/2021 12:48

That's really tough for your family. I'm so sorry.

I think you should say "family only now" - just because they want to visit, it doesn't mean they should be able to. They're not lifelong friends, after all.

HollowTalk · 21/07/2021 12:49

If your dad is unresponsive, then what your mum and siblings want is paramount. Your mum doesn't want them there, so they shouldn't be there. Perhaps you or your partner could tell them that?

TulipsTwoLips · 21/07/2021 12:49

I'm so sorry

I remember the last few days when my gran was dying and it wasn't really time for anyone other than close family and closest friends. She too was gasping for air.

I agree with pp, you appreciate their kind thoughts but it is only family now.

Candleabra · 21/07/2021 12:52

@TulipsTwoLips

I'm so sorry

I remember the last few days when my gran was dying and it wasn't really time for anyone other than close family and closest friends. She too was gasping for air.

I agree with pp, you appreciate their kind thoughts but it is only family now.

Completely agree. And when my dad was dying I was very conscious that he would have hated his friends to see him that way. Close family only at this time. So sorry about you dad.

SapphosRock · 21/07/2021 12:58

I'm so sorry.

If he is gasping for air then it may be a matter of hours. Just explain it's family only and be there with him.

feb2022 · 21/07/2021 13:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this op 💐
I was a carer for over 10 years and honestly it's a very traumatic time for close family and I think you should be spending time with your dad and supporting your mum as much as possible (I know you already are) I'm pretty sure his friends will understand if you tell them how poorly he actually is and it's just another added stress having to cater for others also in this terrible time
I'll be thinking of you and your family OP xxx

BiBabbles · 21/07/2021 13:03

I think Aknifewith16blades and GetTaeFuck have good examples of what to say - quick and clear and doesn't invite arguments (though sadly some may try).

If the dying person expressed certain wishes, I'd respect that - I've known people who don't want anyone but their spouse/kids/carers, grandkids and others were expressly forbidden after a certain point, and others where they wanted visitors and it was expected to contact people further afield to invite them.

If there are no known wishes, it's up to those closest to the dying and what they feel up to during this difficult time.

I personally would be okay with the close friend coming in for a set time, but I wouldn't say the friend 'should'. There isn't really a 'should' in this, it's entirely personal. There are a lot of personal and cultural ties that vary widely around death that the only wrong is what would be against the dying person's wishes or be upsetting for your mother or you.

CovidCorvid · 21/07/2021 13:05

Just say no, thank you politely.

If your dad is unresponsive it's of no benefit for him. His friends need to put your dad (and family) first, not themselves. Plus if he has any awareness he might be embarrassed/uncomfortable with people he's not very close to seeing him so vulnerable.

CallmeHendricks · 21/07/2021 13:23

When my dad got to a similar-sounding stage, we put a stop to all visitors beyond me and my siblings.
It wasn't something anyone else needed to witness.

Stakhanovite · 21/07/2021 13:33

Please say no if you need to. When I think of how I tried to accommodate various well wishers during my mother's last days I'm so cross that I didn't just tell them to stand down. They made it so much worse.

onceivepostedidontcomeback · 21/07/2021 13:34

What would your dad want? My dad wouldn't have wanted to see anyone apart from his family. If you think the close friend then yes, but the others just say no.

Notaroadrunner · 21/07/2021 13:38

No, he is too far gone to have anyone but his closest relatives/best friend with him. Someone who is a 'sort of friend' doesn't need to intrude on this difficult time in your lives. Tell him you appreciate that he's thinking of your dad, however as your dad is unresponsive now, he's not in a position to have visitors.

Blossomtoes · 21/07/2021 13:44

Your mum’s already made the decision. Anyone else should respect that. She’s the innermost circle of grief and what she says goes.

alloverthecarpetagain · 21/07/2021 13:54

I would question their motivation in wanting to see someone who is so ill. Most people would understand that it's no help or comfort to anyone going to visit at such a tough time. The fact that you already know they will want food and drinks makes this quite clear to me. I'm so sorry about your Dad and I hope you and your Mum get through this okay and are able to support each other.

majesticallyawkward · 21/07/2021 13:56

Your mum says no and that's enough. The old Mumsnet 'no is a complete sentence' seems adequate here.
A genuinely old/close friend that you and your mum are close to is understandable but a 'sort of friend' is overstepping. Especially if they're expecting to be hosted!

When my dad was unresponsive an old friend, as in someone he'd been friends with when he was young but hadn't seen in 25+ years, turned up at the hospital. I was furious when he turned up unannounced and took over, my mum barely knew him and me and my sibling had never met him so we essentially had a complete stranger at a very difficult time.
It turned out my dads mum had told him... why her first thought on being told her son had hours to live was to call someone no one had seen for 25 years I don't know. in hindsight I wish I'd just told him to get out but, I was much younger and had been blindsided by dads deterioration (catastrophic brain bleed out of the blue) if it happened now I would definitely speak up. It's not a spectator event, it's one of the most private moments for a family.

miltonj · 21/07/2021 14:13

So sorry about your dad. It's truly horrible. I think I would let your mum decide, if she's in the right headspace, and if not I would just go with your gut. Your dad will likely not get much from the visit, as it sounds as though he has lost a lot of consciousness and confusion plays a bit part towards the end.

His old friends will probably be expecting that they'll sit round telling stories and having some kind of sentimental exchange. They will likely be shocked by the experience, people don't understand death until they are staring it in the face. And you will then have to take on their grief/look after them.

Hope you're doing ok as you can be

Roselilly36 · 21/07/2021 14:17

So sorry. Family only I would say.

DistrictCommissioner · 21/07/2021 14:19

Are you actually allowed lots of visitors? Just last weekend we were only allowed to have a total of 3 named visitors for end of life relative. I know Freedom Day has happened but presumably still some limits on visiting?

I agree with the posters upthread - it is absolutely reasonable to say no to this.

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