Who should visit dying person?

[WishIWasSomewhereElse]

I had a thread about my dad, but need answers to this, my head is all over the place, especially due to this heat, so need objective advice.

Dad is within last days of life (he was predicted to pass by end of last week, but is strong).

He is unresponsive, hasn't drunk or had any fluids, since Saturday (no drip or hydration at all).

A sort of friend of dad's has texted me to say she wants to go and see him, along with a few other friends of his.

I did think dad would like his oldest friend to pop in, but these are not that old.

My mum is against it, and to be honest I'm worried that we will have acquaintances there when he passes and have their grief as well as ours, plus they WILL expect to be given food and drinks and mum has enough on her plate running ragged looking after dad, looking after their two dogs and having nurses and carers in throughout the day.

If I'm there I could make a drink, but don't feel like playing hostess to be quite honest.

It's actually distressing to see him as he's gasping for air, I don't think they understand this, plus mum wants to just be with us (family).

I think dad's oldest friend popping in for a couple of minutes would be nice, but not a crowd.

What do I say/do?

• [Message from MNHQ: please see OP's sad update before responding]

My condolences on your loss, may he rest in peace.

My dad did the same, waiting until we'd just gone out of the room. I've heard it so many times but I never expected it. Please don't beat yourself up about it, it was his choice.

No. But could they send voice recordings that you could play to him?

@WishIWasSomewhereElse Please don't beat yourself up about this, I have worked in a children's hospice and truly believe the dying choose their moment , I saw it many times. My own dad waited until my mum stepped out of the room to call my brother, all afternoon dad had had slow but regular breathing, just moments before the doctor came in and told us he thought dad had a "day or two". Mum stepped out to call my brother and dad took one last breath and went.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Oh I am so sorry. May your father rest in peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We had the same - my grandmother passed very quickly after my DF had arrived to be with DM.

I do think that at the end of life there is a feeling of not wanting loved ones to be on their own and also a readiness to slip away when there is a sense of calm and privacy.

Thank you all

I feel pretty numb. I feel like I'm not doing this right. I haven't broken down.

When my brother died I cried hysterically, proper tummy tears, same with my youngest. I've always feared dad dying, so I don't understand my feelings of 'nothingness'.

It wasn't that I did my grieving before (as someone suggested to me, as although we knew he was terminally ill, he was fine up until the fall and hospital admission. Just two weeks ago he was 'OK'. So the end was pretty dramatic, he was talking in hospital this time last week, even on Sunday, then suddenly became unresponsive on Monday.

I found him. Mum was oblivious, when I told her she tried shaking him, opening his eyes (I put a mirror to his mouth). He was literally alive just before I arrived as mum had the hospice nurses just leave. I didn't need to check, I could just sense the room seemed empty of life before I even looked to see if he was breathing.

I don't understand my detachment. I can feel there is sadness below and if I let go it will hurt, if that makes sense. It's easier to detach .

Dealing with the practicalities. I took over with phoning the FD, and have to wait till tomorrow till the death can be certified and we can arrange getting a death certificate, as I need to speak to his regular GP (the hospice nurses verified the death, but a doctor needs to certify it, all new to me as Dbro died in hospital).

Already some family issues and mum needs me to be strong for her but I'm up against someone who is not afraid of slamming doors and shouting/threatening, if they don't get their own way (or "win"). As yesterday when mum & I said we didn't want him embalmed, but this person wanted him to be, so shouted and slammed doors, with dad lying dead in the room, luckily DS was there and was more forceful. I agree everyone should have a say, but you 'talk' through your point, not shout others into submission. They've also decided to hold their birthday party in just over a week at mum's in case it rains, as their house is smaller, I think it's unacceptable to expect a widow to have strangers celebrating in her house just over a week after her husband has died.

Urgh, I feel quite depressed really. It still doesn't seem real.

That's such a shame but try and not worry about your detachment everybody is different there is no "proper" way to react or feel. Take care

@Mrsjayy thank you

This person sounds really difficult is it a sibling ? All these emotions knocking about and all you want is peace.id tell them to stick their party and step in and say it isn't allowed, your poor mum.

@Mrsjayy it is and I will, thank you

@HollowTalk

If your dad is unresponsive, then what your mum and siblings want is paramount. Your mum doesn't want them there, so they shouldn't be there. Perhaps you or your partner could tell them that?

That. When my DH was dying at home, only my DDs and I were with him in those last days. No way could we have managed friends. They would have been of no benefit to him, and just added stress for us.

Fortunately no-one was intrusive enough to ask. They just supported us remotely.

Oh I'm so sorry. I should have read further before replying. My condolences. This stuff is so hard.

I am so sorry that you have a v difficult relative to deal with at this difficult time.

Often grief magnifies any existing family dynamics so that emotions are heightened and amplified.

I would be disengaging with and swerving this relative if you can. But they do seem impossible.

Are they expecting you and your DM to participate in their birthday celebrations?

I hope that the arrangements and funeral goes ahead peacefully without conflict as as you well know you all need your emotional capacity intact for the long long road of grief.

Try to ignore any fireworks in the early days.

It happens quicker than we expect.
I'm so sorry for your loss, best of luck to you and your family.