Tell me one thing about your divorce which you would never have predicted

NoEffingWaytoSurvive · 2021-07-20T17:14:54+00:00

For me, it was DS gaining step-brothers and for the first time in his life having playmates. He is so happy and content, and he finally has the siblings infertility meant I couldn't give him biologically.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 18:17

How many people would feel they had a right to decide and then comment on whether or not my reasons for leaving were good enough for them.

Orgasmagorical · 20/07/2021 18:17

The absolute joy at being able to do what I want, when I want. I used to dream of being on my own and it's so much better than I ever could have imagined

Original poster

NoEffingWaytoSurvive · 20/07/2021 18:21

@AnneLovesGilbert oh, I got that too! I would ask them if they would like to live with my ex, and the answer was usually a resounding 'no'!

From people reciting wedding vows at me, to bizarre drunken texts from my Mum I had it all. But the biggest surprise was from my DSIS who was my biggest supporter and advocate.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2021 18:58

It’s so disappointing. As if upending your life and going through the shit show of divorce is the sort of thing anyone does on a whim.

I lost one friend I’ve been very close to who wasn’t even that close to my ex who kept urging me to “just go back and try again. You’ll make it work Anne! Marriage is for life, you can’t just leeeeaaavve”. I wish I’d told her I’d tried as fucking hard as I could but when I found myself hiding in the bathroom as it was the only room with a lockable door I realised I’d put up with enough. But I was in pieces already and she nearly tipped me over the edge so I burst into tears and walked away and haven’t spoken to her since.

She realised what he was actually like about 6 months later so she’s not friends with him anymore either but she should have trusted me.

camouflagejacket · 20/07/2021 19:01

Watching with interest as I'm in the midst...

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2021 19:05

@AnneLovesGilbert

How many people would feel they had a right to decide and then comment on whether or not my reasons for leaving were good enough for them.

Omg. This. Ive lost so many friends because i cant get past their forthright judgement.

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2021 19:06

How many people compare themselves to being a single mother because their husband went away for the weekend or whatever.

FeelingLikeAnAlien · 20/07/2021 19:06

That I would be fine and life would turn out ok.

Hoorayhenryyah · 20/07/2021 19:07

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

FeelingLikeAnAlien · 20/07/2021 19:09

@Hoorayhenryyah

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

When I got evidence of the affair

. A bolt out of the blue in my typical ‘happy marriage’ to my ‘best friend’. I knew no matter what was said or done that it was over.

EvelynSalt · 20/07/2021 19:09

@Orgasmagorical

The absolute joy at being able to do what I want, when I want. I used to dream of being on my own and it's so much better than I ever could have imagined

This 100%! I went through a good few months of fear / panic / anxiety but once past that it was the most pure joy. I have a strong memory of making a fishcake topped with poached egg for tea (random!), sitting on the sofa to eat it and watching Fleabag and it was the most peaceful moment I'd had in almost ten years.

Original poster

NoEffingWaytoSurvive · 20/07/2021 19:10

@Hoorayhenryyah because I knew I no longer loved my ex-h, that I could visualise my life being happier, and that any hardship would be worth no longer being married.

We no longer were intimate, or even spoke unless it was necessary. I felt lonely, lost and desperately unhappy.

It's been almost two years, I am getting married again in a few years time to a wonderful man, and am infinitely happier.

Once I had made the decision, there was no going back.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 20/07/2021 19:12

That the only person stopping me from living the life I deserved was me.

I should have left years earlier and not given a shit what anyone else thought about it. Nobody had to live my life but me and my poor children.

I wish I’d left earlier. Even the worst day of my life post divorce wasn’t as bad the best day of my married life.

My mother and an utter with of an aunty firmly believed I should have stayed with him and told me I’d ruined my life because I was getting divorced.
So I walked away from them as well.
Second best decision of my life. First being getting divorced.

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2021 19:23

@Hoorayhenryyah

A question for those who are divorced, when did you decide that was what you wanted? How did you know you were making the right decision?

I couldn't stand it anymore.

GravityFalls · 20/07/2021 19:27

Other people (not even close friends/relatives) crying when I told them was…weird. I wasn’t upset!

SummerSaladsAreBack · 20/07/2021 19:28

That years later I would still feel bitter resentment at all the years I wasted with a man who was cheating behind my back.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 20/07/2021 19:30

How many people would just stop talking to me because they didn't know what to say. They don't talk to XH either, AFAIK. Weird.

WallpaperWonder · 20/07/2021 19:36

How many good friends I had. All of our joint friends, who we knew through his work, stuck with me and were incredibly supportive. I live in a small town in NZ, all my family apart from my dc in the UK. I've been through a lot since my divorce, (most things unrelated to it) and I've been so well looked after by friends and colleagues.

The other surprise was doing a Marie Kondo on all my stuff after he left and realising that now I had enough space for all my things, and could do what I wanted. It was great not having to pick my way through someone else's rubbish.

I wanted a separation as soon as I found out he had feelings for another woman. I was willing to try counselling and work on things but never willing to do the 'pick me dance'. Divorce is no fault here in NZ and you have to wait two years. It happened 6 years ago.

ALongHardWinter · 20/07/2021 19:53

That a year after we'd divorced,I'd feel that he'd done me a massive favour by walking out.

willowmelangell · 20/07/2021 19:57

Could never have predicted that he would not pay maintenance for our very much wanted and very planned dd.
He just wriggled out of it.
Still makes me grind my teeth.

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2021 20:11

@willowmelangell

Could never have predicted that he would not pay maintenance for our very much wanted and very planned dd. He just wriggled out of it. Still makes me grind my teeth.

I still don't understand why this country is so lenient on this behaviour.

TheOrigRights · 20/07/2021 20:28

that he would start using DS2 as a pawn.
that he would tranfer his emotional abuse from me to DS2.
that post divorce the situational depression I had developed during the divorce would develop into full blown MH problems (suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, panic attacks). I'm only just at the stage where I can look back and think 'fuck, I got a bit unhinged'. I'm still recovering from the eating disorder.
that many, many professionals involved in divorce have very little knowledge about emotional abuse.
that people thought I would be happy when the decree absolute came through. No, I felt a huge sense of relief but also great sadness and sorrow.

Good stuff:
OMG - I can do what I like in my own home. I can listen to the radio, I can put the washing machine on, I can play Candy Crush.
Me and the kids can have a laugh.
People can drop by.
People can visit properly.
I can spend money.
I can get people in to do house repairs.
I can wear what I like.
I can grow my hair.

I'm still working on a lot of stuff, but it's GOOD.

One thing I would not have predicted? Hmmm, that I had buried so much and that it would all come out. I thought I had recognised it all and was coping ok. The brain is an amazing organ.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 20/07/2021 20:38

That despite a succession of girlfriends who have demanded he divorce me immediately because they need to get married, here we are over 7 years on still married/undivorced because I haven't organised it (and more importantly, paid for it!).

I went through a benevolent stage a few years back where I would have gone halves, there's no real drama to sort out, kids are older and no assets to divide (he's screwed me over already so that ship has sailed!) but then his latest girlfriend proved to be a right shrieky twat so fuck that. My partner thinks it's quite cool he's shagging a married woman so I'm in no rush

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2021 21:35

@TheOrigRights

- that he would start using DS2 as a pawn.

that he would tranfer his emotional abuse from me to DS2.
that post divorce the situational depression I had developed during the divorce would develop into full blown MH problems (suicidal thoughts, eating disorder, panic attacks). I'm only just at the stage where I can look back and think 'fuck, I got a bit unhinged'. I'm still recovering from the eating disorder.
that many, many professionals involved in divorce have very little knowledge about emotional abuse.
that people thought I would be happy when the decree absolute came through. No, I felt a huge sense of relief but also great sadness and sorrow.

Good stuff:
OMG - I can do what I like in my own home. I can listen to the radio, I can put the washing machine on, I can play Candy Crush.
Me and the kids can have a laugh.
People can drop by.
People can visit properly.
I can spend money.
I can get people in to do house repairs.
I can wear what I like.
I can grow my hair.

I'm still working on a lot of stuff, but it's GOOD.

One thing I would not have predicted? Hmmm, that I had buried so much and that it would all come out. I thought I had recognised it all and was coping ok. The brain is an amazing organ.

All of that too.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 20/07/2021 22:06

That my ex could put our kids through what he did. He was a loving, hands-on dad with amazing kids who worshipped him and he threw it away to live with his other woman and her multiple offspring.

Everyone talks about how resilient kids are: bollocks. They have had years of trauma thanks to him and carried the pain into their adult lives. He is an utter idiot and a coward.

It feels really good to get that out.